- Sep 13, 2002
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I recently told a couple friends about a moment I had with my boyfriend, and they said I was “beyond ridiculous” and they would have gone nuclear on a significant other for what I did. I don’t think it was so bad! So I come to you for perspective.
My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship—he’s OK with me having sex with other guys because he knows I am a horny monster constantly. Through many conversations, he’s made it clear it doesn’t bother him if I sleep with others, which I do usually once or twice a week. (He does not sleep with other people, but is free to, and we have a good sex life ourselves.) The other day, a sex-only friend I haven’t seen for a long time—and I have unreal chemistry with—texted me to say he was nearby and wanted to know if I could hang out for a bit. I told him to come over. The problem is that my boyfriend texted me a few minutes later and said he’d be home early from work, in about 10 minutes. Unreal-chemistry guy was basically on my street already. Dilemma! I called my boyfriend, told him the truth, and asked if he could give me 20 minutes. My boyfriend said OK, I did my thing with the other guy, and then told boyfriend the coast was clear. My boyfriend playfully rolled his eyes at me when he got home, I thanked him and said I wouldn’t make a habit of it, and we moved on.
When I told my friends about this in the context of a bigger conversation about our relationships, they thought it was a wild thing for me to do, and made me feel like I was behaving terribly toward my boyfriend. Was I? Was this especially inconsiderate or absurd of me? I will accept your ruling.
—One Minute!
Dear One Minute,
Give me a moment to pull out my judge costume and the “How to Do It”-engraved gavel. I rule that your actions were farcical, but not inconsiderate. I’ll explain.
Your second paragraph reads a bit like a sitcom, and I think a farcical is a better word than absurd. Consideration has to do with the individual person—in this case of your boyfriend, who isn’t bothered by your frequent sexual interactions with others. You presented him with the facts, and he agreed to your request. Afterward, he playfully rolled his eyes at you. You considered your actual boyfriend’s actual boundaries and what he’s said to you over the time you’ve known each other, and you made a choice that he gives no indication of being hurt by. Your friends have every right to expect their partners to consider their own boundaries, which are unique to them, and likely coming from a perspective of monogamy as the default. They may be projecting their boundaries onto your partner here.
It’s worth having a talk with your boyfriend to confirm that his eye roll was indeed playful. You might share with him that your friends are giving you criticism about it, and that you want to make sure you didn’t miss something on his end. It’s helpful to have check-in talks, and this seems like a good time to have one. It’ll validate or alleviate your concern, and you can address any issues from there.
It’s possible that your wild (yes, I would say wild) behavior is part of what your boyfriend loves about you. So, your friends wouldn’t want to date you, that’s why you’re friends and not lovers! Even with incredible time management skills, there’s a limit on how many partners you can engage with significantly. I have no doubt you’ll find enough partners who are unfazed by, or celebratory of, your sexual appetite.
Dear How to Do It,
Yay! I finally realized my ultimate fantasy of being gangbanged—and now I have some follow-up questions.
I’m a 34-year-old woman who’s always been kinky but never thought I could have a gangbang cause safety, and then got stuck in a series of vanilla relationships that had zero room for anything interesting (my last ex wouldn’t even touch my butt!) and then just got stuck cause pandemic/excuses/whatever. I now live in a liberal European city that has tons of swingers clubs and finally bit the bullet and went. I had an amazing time! I banged an actual troupe of firemen—I kid you not, and they even gave me a ride home in their ambulance. It was my best life.
So now I’m sore and happy but wondering about aftercare and planning for the future. Are there creams or oils I can use on my battered bits? I’m sore and it feels a little out of balance down there, but nothing alarming. Everyone used condoms without needing to be told. We didn’t do anal, but I’d be into that next time—how should I prepare? Can I safely DP (a huge fantasy) in a context like that or should I save that for when it’s just me and two dudes I know and trust? I’m afraid that it looks hot but is actually the Olympics and probably not easy to do comfortably.
Also, I don’t want to be single forever—are there men who will want to marry a woman like me? Can they overcome the Madonna/whore complex? I want to be a wife and mother but this is also who I am, my perverted side has always been there and isn’t going anywhere. I’m ready to let her be free but scared too.
—Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Dear KKBB,
I am so happy for you.
For your soreness, I reached out to Dr. Stacy De-Lin, associate medical director at Planned Parenthood of New York City. She steered you away from coconut oil, saying it “won’t do much and some folks may be allergic or sensitive.” She does have several recommendations: “If there are any raw areas of open skin, a ‘sitz bath,’ a warm bath with a small amount of epsom salts, can be enormously helpful by bringing blood flow to the area to relax the muscles and to help to promote wound healing. For treating swelling, a bag of frozen peas, with a towel between the peas and your sensitive vulva, can help. Ibuprofen can help to reduce pain and swelling too.“
De-Lin has some advice for during the act, as well: “Having vaginal irritation and swelling might be a sign that you’re not using enough lubricant during intercourse. Be generous with the lube for future encounters, and be sure to always listen to your body: if it starts to hurt, then stop.”
As for double penetration, I recommend a less rowdy setting than the center of a gangbang at a club. Ideally you encounter a pair of people who already know they enjoy focusing on a woman together, and have had some practice with double penetration. Maybe you know another woman who has been DP’d in your town who can give a recommendation? If that doesn’t happen soon enough for you, look for two who get along and aren’t squeamish about touching other people’s testicles. It’s easiest to do a sort of body sandwich, with you in the middle, on something flat and wider than the people involved. The person on the bottom, or the “anchor,” should be OK with being squished, and able to stay hard without a lot of thrusting. Once you’ve got both dicks inside you, and they find a rhythm, both should be able to thrust. The less you wiggle, the easier it’ll be for them to stay in place.
And not only are there men who will want to marry you, there are men who will absolutely get off on helping you arrange these kinds of sexual scenarios and cheer you through them. You might meet these guys at the sex club, through a dating app, or by happenstance while you’re doing other things. In the meantime, you might consider what kinds of relationship structures are interesting to you. Give these concepts a web search: swinging, female led relationships, cuckholdry, vixen/stag, and polyamory. If any of those appeal to you, you might focus your dating efforts in areas that attract people who also want that framework, which could be a different sex club or a fully clothed community munch. If you’re on an app, you can include what you’re after in your bio. Enjoy!