Anyone have any insight to BPD?
And of course asking for a friend.
And of course asking for a friend.
Borderline personality disorder
- Thread starter beanT
- Start date
What is the scenario?
I dated a girl who was bpd. As a mentally sane person it was very frustrating. She was very sweet and loving and would do anything for me. However she would flip in an instant. One second happy then the next second off the wall angry. you could not predict the outbursts no could you calm her down.
I dated a girl who was bpd. As a mentally sane person it was very frustrating. She was very sweet and loving and would do anything for me. However she would flip in an instant. One second happy then the next second off the wall angry. you could not predict the outbursts no could you calm her down.
I think the word “borderline” is kind of silly (and borderline dangerous) with mental health. Does that mean if he/she (guessing she) was just a little crazier she’d be in a nut house?
Or is it like these annoying women that are “borderline OCD” because they keep their house clean?
It’s either a problem or it’s not. You’re asking the question so it’s a problem. If you care about them - talk about it and get some help. If you don’t care then F em.
Or is it like these annoying women that are “borderline OCD” because they keep their house clean?
It’s either a problem or it’s not. You’re asking the question so it’s a problem. If you care about them - talk about it and get some help. If you don’t care then F em.
My ex-wife has BPD and it ruined our 20 year marriage. This particular mental illness is a combination of depression, paranoia, narcissism and anxiety, to name just a few. Over time and 4 childbirths, she slowly unraveled and turned to vodka to hide her desperation. Eventually she was removed from our home and I ended up with 4 kids full time. There is no cure for BPD, no pills to alleviate the illness. Only extensive therapy helps, but one of the main problems is the large majority of those who suffer BPD don't believe there is anything wrong with them. It's everybody else who has a problem. 5 years since our divorce, she has never sought counseling, instead denying the diagnosis and continuing to destroy her life and everyone around her. She has alienated what few friends she had and continues to circle the drain. I feel badly for my kids, who deserve better.
Pretty similar story here, except my ex did accept diagnosis and sought help. She still struggles with alcohol to medicate but is healthier than 6 years ago...i think. It's nice not having it around anymore as it was taking its toll on me.
OK, If this is a significant other I'd suggest running as fast as you can. If this is your wife, I'm sorry, it's a nightmare.
Question for both of you: were they diagnosed prior to your marriage? Did it get worse?
I think I would struggle with this… On one hand I’m sure they are absolutely wonderful people at certain times and you want to love them through their hard times and be there for them and not judge them for mental illness that is no fault of their own. But on the other hand… You would know that you’d be in for a very difficult relationship for the rest of your life.
My ex was not diagnosed until late in our marriage. Early on, I chalked up her irrational behavior to being raised by odd but loving parents. As time went on and after each of the 4 kids were born, her behavior patterns worsened. When I was given the diagnosis, I was temporarily relieved. The doctors and I had been operating on the assumption that she was bipolar. There are meds for bipolar patients. My response was "it's borderline. It can't be that bad". The doc's response was: "actually it's much worse. There is no cure. No pills. Just therapy." The last 5 years have been the happiest, but most difficult, years of my life. The kids and have structure and stability. But when they spend time with their mom, I have to work overtime to return them and their lives normalcy. To give you an example of how bizarre her daily life can be: She flew the kids to Florida last week for Spring Break to visit her mother. She was unable to get to the airport yesterday on time and missed their flight back to Iowa. No flights were available until Tuesday, so she had to rent a car for $730 and drive back. They are still en route and hope to arrive by noon today. One of the manifestations of her illness is NEVER being able to arrive anywhere on time. Disorganization is a way of life for her. Unfortunately my kids have to suffer the consequences.
My ex was always a fun loving, attractive woman. Everybody loved her company. But eventually her intolerance for alcohol and need to cover up her behavior led to credit card fraud, lying to doctors of hers and my kids, car accidents, spousal and child battery and abuse, and other legal issues. Very sad.
Can't agree with this more. My 20 year marriage was pure hell because of my ex's BPD. No amount of love, help, understanding, caring, etc. from you will ever cure them or allow for a normal life.
If you don't mind me asking, how often did she have spells and how severe would they be? Reading about the symptoms, with the exception of cutting and threats of suicide, I could apply it to the majority of my exes to some degree.
I'm not sure about the concept of having a spell. My ex is formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety by doctors. It was several therapists that told me that they were convinced that she has a personality disorder (borderline or on of the other closely related ones--they weren't sure). My ex doesn't acknowledge that diagnosis and doesn't believe that she has anything wrong with her that needs addressing. With my ex, her narcissism was on display pretty much constantly, as was her lack of empathy for anyone including her children. She lashed out in fits of anger and rage multiple times per week.
Now she has had episodes of major depression that have wiped her out and take 4-6 months to recover from. She is still recovering from the most recent one, and there have been two prior to that over the previous 15 years--so it happens once every 5-6 years I would say. They happen because she will convince herself that she doesn't need to keep taking the antidepressant that she is prescribed.
With something like a personality disorder, a good person will be tempted to try to stick with the afflicted and help them through it. I just don't believe that there is any getting through it and it will completely ruin lives. If there isn't a family investment with children at stake, I personally would walk away while I could.
A former co-worker was dealing with this and he suggested the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" as a tool. It was a good book. He is a great guy and his marriage still didn't make it despite his efforts.
Good luck.
My experience with my ex-wife sounds eerily similar to Redbirdhawk's, just substitute a shopping addiction for the alcohol abuse. Our friends and acquaintances thought she was a great gal, the life of the party. But once the party was over and I was left with the day-to-day reality of living with her, I couldn't take it any longer. If anyone is interested in learning more about BPD and how to live with someone who suffers from it, I suggest reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells: When Someone You Love has Borderline Personality Disorder."
My ex used to pretty much say this verbatim in the early days or our marriage.
She is actually in the social work field and before we were divorced I would help her study for her classes and I know that she is aware of this diagnosis, however what she doesn't know is that I am pretty sure she has it. She is always the victim, always drama, chooses chaos, has trouble holding a job (despite experience and a master's), has trouble thriving in a normal structure, etc.
In any case, I am not as familiar with many of you but this phrase jumped out.
A lot of stories in here that come very close to home for my marriage (now ex) - I found the condition to be progressive. Seemed to be rushed forward with the hormonal crush of having children. After our 2nd child she was told her thyroid wasn't working properly and then she became obsessed with a holistic 'doctor' About 2 yrs after the birth of my second child, my wife had upwards of 20 bottles of pills and powder concoctions on the kitchen counter. I recognized very very few of the ingredients. She was constantly trying to alter her mood, energy levels and hormones. She wouldn't simple eat better, drink less, and exercise regularly. She was convinced that she needed all these substances. Also- she had a scorching case of ADD. She would never have that monitored and she hap-hazardly took medication for that. In her mind she didn't have ADD. She was a Posterchild for ADD. IN EVERY sense. Yet to her, everyone else was just too uptight. Now as others have said the kids are constantly chasing her for attention and a relationship.
In the case of a SO, in dating for example, how would you know???
Serious, what should I watch out for?
my daughter has it and the disease is a real bitch. It's hard on her mom and I but much worse for her
I observed something similar, though it is hard to tell what is depression, what is a personality disorder, etc. After our third and last child, my ex had her first really bad depression event and had to be hospitalized. She was a pain to live with the entire marriage, but this event that happened 10 years into a 20 year marriage was a negative turning point for sure.
Good question. I will say I didn't notice a thing in dating. She is one helluva used car salesman, at least she was. She was always on her Sundays best in dating but a after my 2nd child was born she became a different person. My family wouldn't come to the house anymore as everything was an argument and she was never wrong. You could literally prove her wrong and she wouldn't agree. She would do pretty awful things and take no accountability and turn it around as if it were my fault or the fault of someone else...she lost a job over that. She started to drink daily and then began to cut. Compulsive behavior set in with a new tattoo a month. Then lost a ton of weight and would never leave her bedroom. What once was a gorgeous woman began to look worse and worse by her own choices. Then she had a very odd affair with a jacked lesbian. Yup, a wonderful marriage.
After divorce she seemed to get better. Started working out and sobered up. After she lost a job in 2015 she started to drink again. In 2016 she married a complete stranger who she had known 3 months. The guy was a complete loser, looked like Fred Durst's fatter older brother. The guy actually tries to look him, super weird. They divorced in three months and she just went nuts this summer. Lost another job after showing up wasted, almost died, and off to rehab again.
She is on thin ice to see the kids at all this point. She was sober for 5 months, or so she says, but she has been caught twice recently. Just a matter of time before the top blows again.
Red flags: it looks like narcissism. Selfish humans with compulsive behaviors. No accountability,manipulating, dishonest, often abuse drugs/alcohol, manic behavior. It cam start minor and just build like crazy. One thing I recommend, when meeting a new woman see how many long term friendships or relationships she has or had. If there are not many I would be concerned. People with mental illness are not going to be able to keep friends long.
Many good books listed. I liked "Hate You Don't Leave Me." It's an absolute nightmare and you need to run. My most recent lady friend was very attractive, but I started to see some of this behavior and I walked. It is not worth it. They will burn your life down.
Wow. Sorry you had to try to deal with that. Sorry she has to be that.
Sounds so much like my ex. Very selfish, creates drama, after we divorced she did the tattoo thing too, never know what you will get with her-- angry, sad, timid, hyper. She has had minor fights with her very close friends and completely cut them off. I know of 5-6 off the top of my head, including ones she would call her BEST friend, has qualifications to have a good career but has trouble holding jobs, her thing is pain pills. Jeesh. After we divorced, one of her good friends from high school told me she is surprised my ex was able to hold it (herself and our marriage together) as long as she did.
I hate you, don't leave me-- she literally said those things to me often early in our marriage, though when we were dating I didn't see it. And, I wasn't looking or I think I would have. Also, if you google, you will find a pdf of the entire book online.
Glad you were able to get out. My life is 1000X better than in was from 2009-2012
Idk that I can speak to BPD specifically, but I will say having been married to a narcissist for 16 years and together for 20+, the best narcissists can control some of the things that are easy to point a finger at. Drinking, drugs, outbursts, etc are easy to identify. But for someone that is attractive and can be very charming, a lot of huge red flags get overlooked. After being in litigation for a year and a half I’m now broke, essentially homeless, depressed, and have with certain issues including sleep, eating disorders, and medicating, and this monster comes out smelling like a rose. I would not wish this on anyone.
I dated someone for a year following my split from TBxW. The first 6 months or so were great but I had no idea she had a history or mental illness. I’m not a saint, but after certain instances repeating themselves, it was clear it was too much for me. Drinking to cover up depression, followed by horrible sleeping patterns, followed by poor eating habits, and unwillingness to go out in public, followed by more drinking...I’m not a trained professional and there is nothing Incan do to help her.
I dated someone for a year following my split from TBxW. The first 6 months or so were great but I had no idea she had a history or mental illness. I’m not a saint, but after certain instances repeating themselves, it was clear it was too much for me. Drinking to cover up depression, followed by horrible sleeping patterns, followed by poor eating habits, and unwillingness to go out in public, followed by more drinking...I’m not a trained professional and there is nothing Incan do to help her.
The first paragraph sounds like the last woman I dated. I knew if I stayed it would end up screwing me up like the marriage did so I ran after 6 months.
I still miss Dat ass tho
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