Rex HuppkeContact ReporterChicago Tribune
Dear Satan:
Thank you for your recent inquiry submitted under the subject line: "Current price for one upscale human soul." We here at USA Soul Procurement Ltd. have appreciated your business over the years.
As the Prince of Darkness, you are well aware that soul prices can vary dramatically, but in this case we will assume you are looking for a high-value human essence and not some run-of-the-mill, knock-off soul like the Mike Huckabee Model sold by our competitors.
To that end, we would like to introduce you to our latest line, which we proudly call the Scaramucci Edition.
It is based on the soul sale of Wall Street financier Anthony Scaramucci, who just last week was named the White House's new communication director, reporting directly to President Donald Trump.
Scaramucci engaged in one of the most thorough and complete separations of soul from body in human history. In keeping with the standard he set, any Scaramucci Edition soul purchased from us is guaranteed to be 100 percent free of lingering integrity or sense of self.
Before we get to the price, let us provide you with more detail on the remarkable steps Scaramucci took to bring his soul to market, the same kind of steps we guarantee are followed with any Scaramucci Edition soul we sell.
Let us begin in 2012, when Trump was rumored to be considering endorsing Newt Gingrich for president. Scaramucci tweeted of Trump: "Odd guy. So smart with no judgment."
That same year on Twitter, Trump's new communications director described Hillary Clinton as "incredibly competent" and declared that he is "For Gay Marriage, against the death penalty, and Pro Choice. I am for social inclusion, fiscal responsibility." He also tweeted his support for stricter gun laws.
Fast forward to 2015 and Scaramucci tweeted this regarding Trump's proposed plan for a wall along the U.S. border with Mexico: "Walls don't work. Never have never will. The Berlin Wall 1961-1989 don't fall for it."
That same year he went on Fox News and said of Trump: "He's a hack politician. ... I'll tell you who he's gonna be president of — you can tell Donald I said this — the Queens County bullies association." He added that Trump's "crazy rhetoric" is "anti-American and very, very divisive."
But the thing that made Scaramucci's soul sale so truly remarkable — the preparatory move that pushed an already high-end soul into the realm of the artisanal — was a column he wrote for Fox Business in January 2016 under the headline: "The Bankruptcy and Restructuring of the Republican Party."
"Unbridled demagoguery has driven the GOP to an inflection point from which there is no turning back," Scaramucci wrote. "If a populist prevails in the primary, as appears increasingly likely, the party faces either devastating defeat in the general election or a new, unrecognizable identity. In either scenario, a large swath of the GOP electorate will be forced to eat crow and reevaluate its affiliation. Call it, if you will, a moral debt restructuring, one caused by the reckless behavior of a man who knows a thing or two about bankruptcy."
The populist and bankruptcy expert he referenced is, of course, Trump.
Scaramucci continued: "We are in the midst of an ideological Civil War, one pitting American values of hope, empowerment and self-reliance against defeatist attitudes of fear, entitlement and victimization."
He noted that "GOP voters have responded most enthusiastically to candidates driving people apart with hate speech and alarmism," and wrote eloquently: "There is no doubt we need to secure our southern border and ensure the vetting process for all immigrants is air-tight, but betraying common decency out of primeval fear reeks of World War II-era attitudes that led to the internment of Japanese-American citizens and rejection of European-Jewish refugees — events that are a stain on our history."
Scaramucci concluded: "Democracy is a device that ensures the people shall be governed no better than they deserve. I know America deserves better."
Beelzebub, we are sure that a soul connoisseur like yourself can imagine what comes next. A little more than 550 days after that scathing column was published, Scaramucci stood in the White House briefing room as the newly named communications director and said of Trump: "The best messenger, the best media person, the most savvy person in the White House is the president of the United States and I'm hoping to learn from him."
From person driving people apart with hate speech and alarmism to mentor. That's what we here at USA Soul Procurement Ltd. call "closing the soul sale."
After praising the greatness of the man he once called divisive and a hack, Scaramucci began deleting the aforementioned tweets from his Twitter account, then defended that move as "transparency." He said to Jake Tapper on CNN: "So if I'm for something and then I'm against something, then, all of a sudden, I'm a hypocrite."
King of the Underworld, we hope you take note of how adeptly Scaramucci defined hypocrisy via his own actions while simultaneously suggesting he is not a hypocrite, an act that is, in and of itself, hypocritical. That is the kind of upper-tier soul cleaving you can expect from any of our Scaramucci Edition souls.
We now return to your original question: the price for such a fine immaterial item.
We do not have details on Scaramucci's soul sale, or even know the buyer. (Perhaps it was you, Satan, and you are just being coy with us! LOL! Just kidding!)
But we can assume Scaramucci's new salary will be at least the same as his predecessor, Sean Spicer, who as acting communications director was earning $179,700 per year. And surely the the hedge fund dealer will find additional ways to net millions in his move from Wall Street to the White House.
So we are setting the price of our Scaramucci Edition souls at a firm but reasonable $10 million each. We think you will find them worthy investments and fine additions to your infamous collection.
Sorry we were not able to offer you the original Scaramucci soul. It went fast and was gone before anyone — perhaps even Scaramucci himself — knew what happened.
Most sincerely,
— Your friends on the USA Soul Procurement Ltd. sales team
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/huppke/ct-scaramucci-trump-huppke-20170724-story.html
