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Dealing with step children

Having lived under the same roof as my sister who was the worst POS I've ever known to this day as an 11-13 year old, I'm dreading when my own little girl hits that age. I couldn't imagine living with someone else's girls at that age. T's and P's, OP.
 
Have your kids stay with you for a couple weeks and give them a heads up on what drives your wife nuts. Tell them to get started on her and if she objects at all...bring out your inner papa bear.
My kids do live here, but i usually get adored by the same things she does, loud music, slamming doors when we are almost asleep
 
Wow. You think you out kicked your coverage. (Iowa 17)
She thinks she got a nanny.
I think she may be on to something. 😳
She’s gorgeous, and before this last month, the kids stuff was only an occasional fight. The oldest is getting more wants, getting to that awkward are. Idk... basically with her kids i have zero say, so maybe i stop doing the taking them to school, etc
 
I had step parents. If my step mother had tried to tell me to not put my feet on a wall, I would have been like wtf is a wall? If my step father (RIP in peace, the man was a saint) would have done the same, I would have said sorry and not done it again.

Dont be my step mother OP.
 
She’s gorgeous, and before this last month, the kids stuff was only an occasional fight. The oldest is getting more wants, getting to that awkward are. Idk... basically with her kids i have zero say, so maybe i stop doing the taking them to school, etc

You might as well get out now. If you out kicked your coverage, that just means she couldn't get someone better because of her baggage, the kids. By the time her kids have moved out she'll have you trained to the point you have no say. Then she won't need you and will probably move on. What starts out as your wife not believing you ends up with them (wife and kids) ganging up on you (because they can). I have a friend in the same situation. For him, it's become brutal and has impacted his real kids. His real kids don't understand why they have to follow rules the step kids don't. Why is money going to the step kids and less going to the real kids. You're headed in a bad direction.

If you're on here asking for advice, all you're doing to trying to reassure yourself that you're right. Just remember that what you're feeling is truly right, it's how you feel. Follow your gut. You don't need us to tell you what's right, you already know.
 
I don't envy the situation where you have two living beings that can destroy things living under your roof and you have zero input on said living beings. You're more selfless that I would be.
 
Honestly... her first priority is to her kids. That’s perfectly fine and understandable in 2nd marriages. But you two need to talk.

There’s no way those kids can live in your house without you being able to have any discipline. That won’t work. Many people wouldn’t hesitate to correct neices/nephews or even visiting friend’s kids as necessary. Not being able to do the same to stepkids living with you won’t work.

Seriously... talk with her. Let her know your concerns and needs and how you feel. Try to lay the groundwork for some rules/boundaries. Maybe the small stuff go (eating for example) but have her permission for things that endanger someone, ruins property, etc. At least start there and revisit in the future to see if you can expand your influence. But set expectations so you both know if/when you’re allowed to intervene.
 
Agreed, she doesn’t let me have any say on rules or discipline, etc. very momma bear
I lived through this but survived. Both girls in college no pics. Whenever my wife got pissed at them I had her back. Mom's right. Period.The ONE time I took one of the kids' side on something she was absolutely livid. Whenever I got pissed at one of them for something we had to have a federal investigation with lawyers and witnesses.

How I ended up handling things was my one big rule was they would not disrespect me. If I was going to love them, help raise them, spend my money on them, take them all over the midwest for sports, they were not going to yell at me or talk back like they would to their mother. There would be an immediate consequence for that. I would do stuff like, "Welp, I guess you're going to stay home. I'm going to your practice to tell your coach that you wouldn't be there today until you learn what the word "mandatory" means." (She was kicking the soccer ball in the house doing her workout when we have a perfectly fine backyard and she had been told that multiple times...she raised her voice to me telling it was mandatory). Her coaches laughed and that bought me some time before she talked shit at me again.

The older one and I were laughing the other day about the only time I actually scared the shit out of her. She was a senior and had been acting like an asshole for about a year since she sucked on her ACT and her mom was making her study in the kitchen. She was screaming at her mom and I snapped. Grabbed her by her hair bun and yelled at the top of my lungs that she wouldn't be yelling at my wife anymore. That one my wife knew I was serious because she didn't say one damn word.

Anyway, I just picked the thing I wasn't going to take from them, and basically let their mom handle most stuff. You might be surprised...every once in awhile your wife might ask you for backup. It happened once in awhile.
 
My wife won’t let me say anything to them anyway, not even, her finish your supper or no ice cream. That draws her mama bear out, which is another reason i didn’t say anything at the time i saw it happening
This would be a problem. Not being able to say anything. Wife is setting you up for failure with those kids. I would probably start a fight at some point when she wants you to do something for the kids. She's making you second class in your own home. The kids are learning this already. You need to have a talk. My wife can run things but there are times when enough is enough and I put my foot down.
 
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They don’t really get punished, no spankings etc. i didn’t say anything at the time because i didn’t want to nitpick. However, i completely redid the entire house two years ago, take pride in the work i put in, and again, it’s minor. The issue is the lying or not remembering
This isn't a minor issue, this is totally a nonissue. If bare feet on the wall trips you, she is not the problem.
I could never imagine trying to raise a child in a house where they didn't feel comfortable. Walls are meant to be repainted.
 
Wow. You think you out kicked your coverage. (Iowa 17)
She thinks she got a nanny.
I think she may be on to something. 😳
This is it. You do everything she tells you to as far as the kids go but have no say, again, in your own home...over children. You need to fix this now or you are going to have issues until the kids are gone. Kind of hard for the stepkids to love you if they don't respect you and that's what your wife is instilling in them.
 
This isn't a minor issue, this is totally a nonissue. If bare feet on the wall trips you, she is not the problem.
I could never imagine trying to raise a child in a house where they didn't feel comfortable. Walls are meant to be repainted.
I literally said that wasn’t the issue
 
She’s gorgeous, and before this last month, the kids stuff was only an occasional fight. The oldest is getting more wants, getting to that awkward are. Idk... basically with her kids i have zero say, so maybe i stop doing the taking them to school, etc

if that’s going to be the relationship, which I think is unhealthy and will cause huge fractures in your marriage, I would suggest going to your wife on every situation that needs corrections. I.e - “tell your kid to get her feet off the wall.”

thus is coming from someone that raised a stepdaughter starting at 8 and a step nephew starting at 12.
 
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She’s gorgeous, and before this last month, the kids stuff was only an occasional fight. The oldest is getting more wants, getting to that awkward are. Idk... basically with her kids i have zero say, so maybe i stop doing the taking them to school, etc
Besides being an Iowa 17 and gorgeous, what do you love about her besides her looks?
 
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start small asking her what she wants for ground rules on your discipline and interactions with the step daughters — sounds like you and the sweet puss haven’t had that basic conversation yet. You can then refer back to that conversation anytime a similar situation comes up.
 
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start small asking her what she wants for ground rules on your discipline and interactions with the step daughters — sounds like you and the sweet puss haven’t had that basic conversation yet. You can then refer back to that conversation anytime a similar situation comes up.
She just wants me to let her do any discipline, saying no, saying eat your supper first etc.
 
Negative. Ask Jellyfish what looks like, or @millah_22 . I’m not upset shot the feet on the wall, or other physical things. I’m upset that it’s an obvious lie, and nothing gets said

You said in your OP she might of forgot.

So apparently it's not so obvious.

I feel bad for your wife.
 
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This isn't a minor issue, this is totally a nonissue. If bare feet on the wall trips you, she is not the problem.
I could never imagine trying to raise a child in a house where they didn't feel comfortable. Walls are meant to be repainted.

Bullshit. No chance my kids are putting their bare feet on a wall and they know it. If your kid always feel comfortable they are twats. They need to be made.to feel uncomfortable at times.or you aren't parenting. Taking care of the family home is one of those things

Sort of like those couples that claim they never fight. If you don't ever fight then you aren't being honest with each other
 
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You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about respect for you especially in front of her kids.

How big a role is her ex playing in this situation? I could see her not wanting the drama from the girls dad if they run and complain about you. Is that the problem?
 
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You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about respect for you especially in front of her kids.

How big a role is her ex playing in this situation? I could see her not wanting the drama from the girls dad if they run and complain about you. Is that the problem?
I think it’s part of it. She worries about it, about whatbher ex mother in law thinks, etc.
 
They don’t really get punished, no spankings etc. i didn’t say anything at the time because i didn’t want to nitpick. However, i completely redid the entire house two years ago, take pride in the work i put in, and again, it’s minor. The issue is the lying or not remembering

The issue is you not correcting the behavior at the time you saw it. You’re even making an excuse for yourself by claiming you didn’t want to nitpick.

This entire situation is your fault. Own up to your mistake and move on. Don’t lay this all on a 10 year old girl who may really not even remember.
 
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