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Friend given 6-12 months to live....What do I say?

SF HAWKEYE

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Jan 11, 2003
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One of my best friends from Oakland called me on Tuesday to tell me was given 6-12 months to live, and that's IF he undergoes Chemo. He's only 46 years old, Him and his wife and 13 year old daughter are dear friends of ours. TBW and I were both in their wedding and lived next door to them for 6 years in Oakland.

Every few months we do facetime shots with them and everytime I'm in the Bay area I stay at their house. On NYE we called them to do a shot and he said he couldn't because he had bad heartburn but next time. Then in Feb. same thing, but he said he was losing weight so that was a good thing. In March we called for his birthday and same thing except he sounded scared and said he was having trouble swallowing and was going to the doctor to get it checked out.

Had an Endoscopy and they found a tumor in his esophagus at the opening to his stomach, they weren't sure if it was cancerous until they did some test and did a CT Scan. He called to tell me that it was cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes.

Met with the Oncologist Tuesday and they gave him the bad news that it was inoperable and very agressive. He would have to begin chemo immediately to give him any hope of surviving the next 6-12 months.

This is a guy that has never smoked a cigarette, drinks but not an alcoholic by any means, doesn't have cancer in the family. Doctor told him it's just one of those things that happens where he had very bad luck. Told him it probably started less than a year ago and just moved very quickly.

He was on the fence about getting Chemo when we spoke. Said he feels fine (other than only being able to eat soup broth) and doesn't want to spend his last days laying sick in a bed going through Chemo. Thinks maybe he'll just ride it out while he can still look and act like a normal person as long as he can.

His wife and I talked him into the chemo with the hopes that some miracle may happen or some new cure comes along while he's in Chemo.

TBW are flying out there for a weekend to be with them and hang out before he gets too sick. I feel terrible talking to him because I really don't know what to say. He doesn't want sympathy, says at work everyone mopes around him and gives him the sad face. He just wants me to be normal, but it's tough to do.

I've lost 3 good friends the past 4 years including one to this exact same cancer. I did the Eulogy for 2 of them and I just really feel uncomfortable about how this happening to all these friends in their 40's.

I told him that I'm here for him day or night, if he wants to call and scream at someone or call and cry to someone I'm here for him. But I'm just curious if anyone else has went through this on either side and what they appreciated or hated people saying.

It's really trivialized every other aspect of my life, I don't sweat anything any more it seems. While I'm having trouble sleeping because I drank too much coffee my friend is having trouble sleeping because he won't see his daughter opening Christmas presents.

Any advice appreciated. and #FVCKCANCER
 
There’s not really a right thing to say. I’ve lost my mom and dad to cancer and they found out in a very similar fashion to your friend.

You’ve just got to be there for him and his family and be the same friend you’ve always been. It’s hard, it sucks, and it won’t be feeling good anytime soon. I’ll hope for a miracle for your friend.

I’ll add that I got real sick of all of the pizza people kept bringing over while my dad was sick, but they meant well so I always appreciated it.
 
As someone who has witnessed the effects of chemo on several loved ones, I would only get chemo if my prognosis was not terminal. Never would do it if it would only extend my life by months or maybe even a year. But there is no right or wrong answer. It should be each individual's personal decision.
 
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My mom's going through the same thing with one of her really good friends. She's to the point where continued treatment doesn't make any difference, and it's just a matter of when. In the end, the thing that matters is spending time with them, if you can. My mom has been flying down about 1x/mo to hang out with her. Just being there makes a huge difference. In the case of my mom's friend, she can't speak any longer, so my mom will just sit there and my mom will talk and her friend will write responses back to her, and they'll hang out and laugh and reminisce. That would be my advice - find a way to go hang out with him, and just visit and keep him company, and take his mind off it for a while. It sounds like he has family to take care of him, so what he may really need is a friend to spend some time with who isn't just there to feel sorry for him.
 
One of my best friends from Oakland called me on Tuesday to tell me was given 6-12 months to live, and that's IF he undergoes Chemo. He's only 46 years old, Him and his wife and 13 year old daughter are dear friends of ours. TBW and I were both in their wedding and lived next door to them for 6 years in Oakland.

Every few months we do facetime shots with them and everytime I'm in the Bay area I stay at their house. On NYE we called them to do a shot and he said he couldn't because he had bad heartburn but next time. Then in Feb. same thing, but he said he was losing weight so that was a good thing. In March we called for his birthday and same thing except he sounded scared and said he was having trouble swallowing and was going to the doctor to get it checked out.

Had an Endoscopy and they found a tumor in his esophagus at the opening to his stomach, they weren't sure if it was cancerous until they did some test and did a CT Scan. He called to tell me that it was cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes.

Met with the Oncologist Tuesday and they gave him the bad news that it was inoperable and very agressive. He would have to begin chemo immediately to give him any hope of surviving the next 6-12 months.

This is a guy that has never smoked a cigarette, drinks but not an alcoholic by any means, doesn't have cancer in the family. Doctor told him it's just one of those things that happens where he had very bad luck. Told him it probably started less than a year ago and just moved very quickly.

He was on the fence about getting Chemo when we spoke. Said he feels fine (other than only being able to eat soup broth) and doesn't want to spend his last days laying sick in a bed going through Chemo. Thinks maybe he'll just ride it out while he can still look and act like a normal person as long as he can.

His wife and I talked him into the chemo with the hopes that some miracle may happen or some new cure comes along while he's in Chemo.

TBW are flying out there for a weekend to be with them and hang out before he gets too sick. I feel terrible talking to him because I really don't know what to say. He doesn't want sympathy, says at work everyone mopes around him and gives him the sad face. He just wants me to be normal, but it's tough to do.

I've lost 3 good friends the past 4 years including one to this exact same cancer. I did the Eulogy for 2 of them and I just really feel uncomfortable about how this happening to all these friends in their 40's.

I told him that I'm here for him day or night, if he wants to call and scream at someone or call and cry to someone I'm here for him. But I'm just curious if anyone else has went through this on either side and what they appreciated or hated people saying.

It's really trivialized every other aspect of my life, I don't sweat anything any more it seems. While I'm having trouble sleeping because I drank too much coffee my friend is having trouble sleeping because he won't see his daughter opening Christmas presents.

Any advice appreciated. and #FVCKCANCER

Tell him to get a second... a third opinion, pronto. Inoperable now... but what if you knock it back with chemo/radiation? If only in the nodes -- which admittedly ain't good, and is more meaningful for some disease than others -- I'd still think there would be options on the table.

What type of cancer?
 
Dude, I am SO SORRY to hear this. Good lord I just feel awful for them. While I don't think there is much you can do besides make every attempt to see him, I would ask him what he wants. Ask him how he wants to spend these days and then do whatever you can to be as involved or not involved as he wants. Ask his wife too. Good luck and god bless him and his family!
 
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That sucks and I can't say that I've gone through the same thing. But, maybe just ask him what role you can play for him? Does he need a person that he can be there for him when it's all too much or does he already have those roles filled? Does he need a guy that he can call that will treat him like nothing is different than it was a year ago? Sometimes you just want a guy to answer the phone with a what's up bitch tits instead of a sympathetic how are you doing.

Maybe he is overwhelmed with planning for when he is gone and needs people to assure him his family is going to have people around to help them.
 
Very sorry to hear this. You sound like a great friend. And probably the best gift you can give him is continue to be his good friend.

Watching a loved one slip away is something we aren’t accustomed to experiencing.

I don’t have any magical words other than just keep being there for him ... so sorry ... sending my best to you ...
 
I am sure your friend is reminded every day from colleagues and other friends about his condition.

i am trying to picture myself in your friends shoes and maybe outside of a brief time of seriousness, i would think i would want a weekend with a friend coming into town to feel like a normal weekend getting together with an old friend

sorry you and your friend have to go theough this
 
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Tell him you love him, then go do something fun. A ballgame, head to the casino, hit up a good brewery, etc.

Try your best to treat it like any other time you guys have hung out, because the elephant in the room is huge; no need to get into the sad stuff if you can avoid it.

Most of all, I’m truly sorry for your friend and all of his loved ones. I’m pissed, actually. This shit just isn’t fair.
 
We have a critically ill friend who needs a transplant, which of course comes with no guarantee either.

He told me he's received a lot of wordy sympathy but just a simple and sincere "I'm so sorry" meant the most. Recognizing and sharing his burden is what he really appreciated.
 
Tell him you love him. Give him a hug. If you are a man of faith, pray with him. Sit and spend time with him. If you see something around his house that needs doing, do it. Maybe take care of laundry or mowing so he can have more time with his wife and kid.

I'm sure you hate to think of a time after he is gone, but once he is gone, check on his wife and kid. On dates like his birthday or angelversary, let them know that you are thinking about him and them.
 
Ugh. I hate hearing this news...for anyone. I have just in the past few years watched exactly this scenario with exactly this cancer at the root and there was nothing good about it. Terrible for all involved and of course, especially for the afflicted and their family.

It does sound like this man has a great friend in you OP and I also wish you the very best as you help him over the next few months. I would recommend that you ask him how he thinks that you can best support and love him. But there really isn't just one right answer to tough questions like this in my experience. I wish you both the best.
 
Tell him to get a second... a third opinion, pronto. Inoperable now... but what if you knock it back with chemo/radiation? If only in the nodes -- which admittedly ain't good, and is more meaningful for some disease than others -- I'd still think there would be options on the table.

What type of cancer?
I told him to get a 2nd opinion as well. He said that the doctor looking at him now is "World renowned" for esophageal cancer.
 
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Dude, I am SO SORRY to hear this. Good lord I just feel awful for them. While I don't think there is much you can do besides make every attempt to see him, I would ask him what he wants. Ask him how he wants to spend these days and then do whatever you can to be as involved or not involved as he wants. Ask his wife too. Good luck and god bless him and his family!
I told him anything he wants and its done. He replied "Welll there is one thing.....I want you and Mrs. SFHawkeye to watch me rub one out." So he still has his sense of humor.
 
Man brother, I am sorry to hear this. **** CANCER!!!!

How is his wife and daughter doing?
Chatted with his wife last night, she's in a tough spot. They just purchased a $600K house with his parents in Sept. and they all live there. His parents aren't doing well with the news so she is trying to be strong for everyone and its a struggle.
 
First of all, I am very sorry to hear this. I just went through a similar situation with a friend and coworker, he passed away a month ago. I want to echo the sentiments of the folks that say continue to be who you are with him and try to keep things as normal and light hearted as possible when you are together. I am sure you have both broken down and acknowledged the situation. He will go through it every moment he is alone with his thoughts and when he is around his family. Sometimes the best you can do is be a respite from that reality. Best of luck to him in his fight.
 
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Start with: Hookers and blow weekend on me in Vegas my friend. I’ve talked to your wife and she says knock yourself out big boy. So we’re staying at Encore and I’ve arranged the cast of Charmed lookalikes to accompany us all weekend.

Treat him like you would treat him without the bad news.

In my experience, just being there is a lot. Can you go to the doctor or take him to chemo? It takes some of the burden off his wife and it is comforting to have a friend there.

Sorry to hear this.
 
FWIW when we visited my Dad in the hospital for the last time before he died of pancreatic cancer, one of his best friends was there and was able to make my Dad laugh. I've always admired his friend for knowing how to act and things to say to help distract my Dad for a few hours. Maybe something like that would be appreciated.
 
Chatted with his wife last night, she's in a tough spot. They just purchased a $600K house with his parents in Sept. and they all live there. His parents aren't doing well with the news so she is trying to be strong for everyone and its a struggle.
Do they have a gofundme? If so, post it here. Every little bit helps.
 
One of my best friends from Oakland called me on Tuesday to tell me was given 6-12 months to live, and that's IF he undergoes Chemo. He's only 46 years old, Him and his wife and 13 year old daughter are dear friends of ours. TBW and I were both in their wedding and lived next door to them for 6 years in Oakland.

Every few months we do facetime shots with them and everytime I'm in the Bay area I stay at their house. On NYE we called them to do a shot and he said he couldn't because he had bad heartburn but next time. Then in Feb. same thing, but he said he was losing weight so that was a good thing. In March we called for his birthday and same thing except he sounded scared and said he was having trouble swallowing and was going to the doctor to get it checked out.

Had an Endoscopy and they found a tumor in his esophagus at the opening to his stomach, they weren't sure if it was cancerous until they did some test and did a CT Scan. He called to tell me that it was cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes.

Met with the Oncologist Tuesday and they gave him the bad news that it was inoperable and very agressive. He would have to begin chemo immediately to give him any hope of surviving the next 6-12 months.

This is a guy that has never smoked a cigarette, drinks but not an alcoholic by any means, doesn't have cancer in the family. Doctor told him it's just one of those things that happens where he had very bad luck. Told him it probably started less than a year ago and just moved very quickly.

He was on the fence about getting Chemo when we spoke. Said he feels fine (other than only being able to eat soup broth) and doesn't want to spend his last days laying sick in a bed going through Chemo. Thinks maybe he'll just ride it out while he can still look and act like a normal person as long as he can.

His wife and I talked him into the chemo with the hopes that some miracle may happen or some new cure comes along while he's in Chemo.

TBW are flying out there for a weekend to be with them and hang out before he gets too sick. I feel terrible talking to him because I really don't know what to say. He doesn't want sympathy, says at work everyone mopes around him and gives him the sad face. He just wants me to be normal, but it's tough to do.

I've lost 3 good friends the past 4 years including one to this exact same cancer. I did the Eulogy for 2 of them and I just really feel uncomfortable about how this happening to all these friends in their 40's.

I told him that I'm here for him day or night, if he wants to call and scream at someone or call and cry to someone I'm here for him. But I'm just curious if anyone else has went through this on either side and what they appreciated or hated people saying.

It's really trivialized every other aspect of my life, I don't sweat anything any more it seems. While I'm having trouble sleeping because I drank too much coffee my friend is having trouble sleeping because he won't see his daughter opening Christmas presents.

Any advice appreciated. and #FVCKCANCER
TRYING to put myself in his shoes I would be thinking, in no particular order:
  1. This f&cking sucks and is completely unfair. F&ck you cancer.
  2. Are my kids going to be okay financially?
  3. This f&cking sucks and is completely unfair. F&ck you cancer.
  4. Bucket list, here I come.
  5. This f&cking sucks and is completely unfair. F&ck you cancer.
  6. I need to enjoy the time I have left with loved ones and make it count.
  7. This f&cking sucks and is completely unfair. F&ck you cancer.
So I guess I would say, "Friend, let's do something on your bucket list." Maybe spend that weekend in Napa that always seemed like a waste of money and dine at French Laundry or whatever ridiculously incredible/expensive place there is you can get into. At the end of the day, all we have are our experiences and memories in others we leave behind. So I would do that, and assure him that you will check in from time to time to make sure his kids are doing alright and don't have any unmet needs.
 
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Think of things that only you know he loves. Stupid movies, nudie mags, scotch, Dave Matthews Band records.

Buy him all that shit
 
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My daughter in law had stage 4 breast cancer, and was given very little chance of survival. Went to MD Anderson in Houston and is 4 years cancer free. She had a complete response to the chemo. Then double mastectomy and radiation. Tough road. My suggestion for your friend would be to get a second opinion at a top cancer center.

Also, Foundation has a program where they match cancer w treatment trials. For example, the Duke program where they inject a brain tumor w a genetically modified polio virus. Your own immune system then attacks the inoperable tumor. Your friend is too young to give up. The daughter in law above’s dad passed w the very cancer that Duke is treating without knowing about their successful program.

On a sadder note, I have a neighborhood friend whose long fight w cancer is getting close to the end. I saw him outside w a walker, pulled the truck over, got out, and gave him a hug. We both cried, and I asked him what I could do. Pray was all he had for me. He has a large supportive family. I have a dozen friends/family minimum that have died of cancer in the last 10 years. Yes, it sucks.

 
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I told him anything he wants and its done. He replied "Welll there is one thing.....I want you and Mrs. SFHawkeye to watch me rub one out." So he still has his sense of humor.
Let us know what your wife thinks of his technique.
 
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