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Friend given 6-12 months to live....What do I say?

Sorry to hear this and best wishes to you, him, and his family. There are no right or wrong ways to act but I’d always be upbeat and positive. Life is too short to be sad and miserable so I’d do whatever you can to bring happiness into their lives to bring a smile or laughter into this difficult time.

I’d also say we are fighting this thing and going to find an answer until the day we can no longer fight the good fight. I think too many people give up and allow the cancer to win instead of saying f u cancer, you are not taking me out. Find alternative treatments with research and get him to realize he has to fight this thing to survive as long as he can. I know that’s what I’d do in that situation. Cancer is not going to stop me from doing the things I do, especially finding something that is going to possibly treat it and allow him to live longer than the 6 to 12 months. And yes, f cancer.
 
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Tell him you love him, give him a hug and say let's get a drink. Listen when he wants to talk, and in between share some story that all good friends have, that one that you each laugh at no matter how many times it has been told. In the end it is about just being together. I am sorry to hear about your friend, and I hope he is the miracle that happens every so often with this terrible disease.
 
I told him anything he wants and its done. He replied "Welll there is one thing.....I want you and Mrs. SFHawkeye to watch me rub one out." So he still has his sense of humor.

Given he is one of your friends, the fact that he is one of the good ones does not surprise me one bit. Enjoy the rest of his ride with him!
 
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If he has a sense of humor ask him how many times a week he wants you to comfort his wife when he is gone?
 
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Wow I'm so sorry to hear about this and can't imagine what you are going through. Not sure I can provide any additional guidance but honestly, I have had a little trouble swallowing as of late but haven't put much thought into it. It's probably been 3 years since I've been to a doctor. I believe I'm pretty fit with eating healthy and working out 4-5x a week but now that you posted this I will go and get a check up just in case. Thank you for posting this.
 
Be his friend. Bust his balls, make him grab you a beer, tell him the steak he cooks for you is inedible ... do whatever you’d do if he weren’t dying. If you have questions, ask them. If you love him, tell him.

If just the two of you are up, alone, at night or first thing in the morning ask if there’s something you can do for him when he’s gone. Tell him you hope you need to remember it for the next 50 years. Hug him.

It’ll be hard on you. You’ll get choked up, you’ll cry. If you’re doing all the other stuff right he’ll call you a pussy and bring you another beer.
 
You know the news is bad when not one of the HROT degenerates has asked for “pics of the soon to be widow.”

Cancer sucks.

It is the worst, my dad is effectily bouncing back from stage 4 prostate cancer...so far. However I could see myself dropping that line on a buddy of mine in a similar situation. There is a reason I have a trashcan lid on my head and a drink in my hand in my avitar.
 
This type of news sucks to holy hell. I pray and wish for a miracle for him and his family. A lot of good advice in here already. Already said, but I’d let him know you and your wife will always be there for him and his family. A lot of coworkers and social friends have probably already told him that; however, unfortunately most are likely just saying it and may not follow through. Seeing the sincerity in a true friends eyes would mean the world to me if I was in this situation.
 
The one thing I haven’t seen posted here yet is a bit of advice I’ll give. I had a convo about this with an old friend of mine recently since we both had cancer in our 30s and she said something similar about her experience.

Dealing with cancer is tough, but one thing that helps is a positive attitude. Don’t give up already, which it sounded like he was willing to do. Positive thoughts help with energy, avoid depression, and helps those around you do the same. I’m not saying everything is sunshine and rainbows, but people who turn gloomy right away just shrivel up and die quickly because they gave up. At the very least a positive attitude could help buy him some more time with his family.

Radiation sucked for me because of where on my body the treatment was, and I’m sure chemo will suck a lot worse for him. Being negative about it will make the experience much worse. I was the youngest one in the oncologist’s office by a decade or more every day I went in for treatment, but I made sure to avoid they “why me?” attitude. I instead focused on the task at hand and focused some more energy back into my family when I had it, which wasn’t that often during treatment. Those things help you to stay just a little more upbeat.

When you see him try to act reasonably normal. If you treat your visits like a funeral you might as well pack a black suit for the trip. Try to keep your relationship and behaviors around him as normal as possible because that could help him temporarily forget about the situation. Talking to his spouse about her mental health is important too if you have that kind of relationship with her. She should be talking to some mental health professional about the situation as she is a very important part of his treatment.
 
If they haven’t already, ask for a consultation with a palliative care specialist. They exist for this very type of tragic case and can help to navigate family decision making and sorting out what is best for your friend based on the family’s goals. Palliative care is an underused specialty and consulting with them does not mean your friend has to forgo other treatment.
 
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Wow I'm so sorry to hear about this and can't imagine what you are going through. Not sure I can provide any additional guidance but honestly, I have had a little trouble swallowing as of late but haven't put much thought into it. It's probably been 3 years since I've been to a doctor. I believe I'm pretty fit with eating healthy and working out 4-5x a week but now that you posted this I will go and get a check up just in case. Thank you for posting this.
Heartburn and loss of weight without trying are a couple more symptoms.
 
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One of my best friends from Oakland called me on Tuesday to tell me was given 6-12 months to live, and that's IF he undergoes Chemo. He's only 46 years old, Him and his wife and 13 year old daughter are dear friends of ours. TBW and I were both in their wedding and lived next door to them for 6 years in Oakland.

Every few months we do facetime shots with them and everytime I'm in the Bay area I stay at their house. On NYE we called them to do a shot and he said he couldn't because he had bad heartburn but next time. Then in Feb. same thing, but he said he was losing weight so that was a good thing. In March we called for his birthday and same thing except he sounded scared and said he was having trouble swallowing and was going to the doctor to get it checked out.

Had an Endoscopy and they found a tumor in his esophagus at the opening to his stomach, they weren't sure if it was cancerous until they did some test and did a CT Scan. He called to tell me that it was cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes.

Met with the Oncologist Tuesday and they gave him the bad news that it was inoperable and very agressive. He would have to begin chemo immediately to give him any hope of surviving the next 6-12 months.

This is a guy that has never smoked a cigarette, drinks but not an alcoholic by any means, doesn't have cancer in the family. Doctor told him it's just one of those things that happens where he had very bad luck. Told him it probably started less than a year ago and just moved very quickly.

He was on the fence about getting Chemo when we spoke. Said he feels fine (other than only being able to eat soup broth) and doesn't want to spend his last days laying sick in a bed going through Chemo. Thinks maybe he'll just ride it out while he can still look and act like a normal person as long as he can.

His wife and I talked him into the chemo with the hopes that some miracle may happen or some new cure comes along while he's in Chemo.

TBW are flying out there for a weekend to be with them and hang out before he gets too sick. I feel terrible talking to him because I really don't know what to say. He doesn't want sympathy, says at work everyone mopes around him and gives him the sad face. He just wants me to be normal, but it's tough to do.

I've lost 3 good friends the past 4 years including one to this exact same cancer. I did the Eulogy for 2 of them and I just really feel uncomfortable about how this happening to all these friends in their 40's.

I told him that I'm here for him day or night, if he wants to call and scream at someone or call and cry to someone I'm here for him. But I'm just curious if anyone else has went through this on either side and what they appreciated or hated people saying.

It's really trivialized every other aspect of my life, I don't sweat anything any more it seems. While I'm having trouble sleeping because I drank too much coffee my friend is having trouble sleeping because he won't see his daughter opening Christmas presents.

Any advice appreciated. and #FVCKCANCER
SF sorry to hear about your friend. I was wondering how I missed this thread until I realized that Friday I was in Fayetteville getting another scan.

In mid to late 2016 I started experiencing the exact same symptoms you described your friend having. My doctor told me it’s probably nothing but sent me to a surgeon who said the same thing but scheduled me a endoscopy.

My procedure was January 24th 2017. When I awoke in recovery the surgeon and my wife were standing over me with tears coming down my wife’s face. The surgeon said he was almost positive that I had esophageal cancer (EC). I did and it’s stage 3.

You are a great friend in reaching out for advise. I’m kinda in a unique situation in that not only do I have cancer but by best and oldest friend since childhood was diagnosed a week after me with stage 4 prostate cancer. We talk every Monday over the phone.

You and his wife did the right thing in talking him into chemo treatments. Not only will this extend his life but might qualify him for some other treatments just being administered to EC patients.

My advise like others have said here is to tell him you love him, have a good cry and tell him “Never Give Up!” Doctors have been wrong and miracles do happened.

I would like to recommend a website to you and his wife (caretaker). smartpatients.com is by far the best website to go on to hear from real life EC patients and their caregivers. Not to fill you with false hope but there are many stage 4 patients that have long out lived a bad prognosis.

About esophageal cancer. This disease is considered rare though cases seem to be on the uptick. Known as one of the silent killer cancers because symptoms often don’t appear until the cancer has spread and prognosis isn’t good.

The one symptom that could save your life is heartburn. If you get or have bad heartburn ask your doctor for an endoscopy. He may look at you funny and say just take this pill and it will go away but the next symptoms could be difficulty swallowing and unexplained loss of weight which are common in almost all EC diagnoses.

SF everyone should be as lucky having a friend like you.
 
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As someone who has witnessed the effects of chemo on several loved ones, I would only get chemo if my prognosis was not terminal. Never would do it if it would only extend my life by months or maybe even a year. But there is no right or wrong answer. It should be each individual's personal decision.
Yep. Watched the MIL take chemo and we aren't sure if the chemo or the cancer killed her. If I ever get a terminal prognosis I'll let nature take it's course.
 
wish i could talk to this fella and he would trust me and he believed a miracle can happen, not that one necessarily will though, but there are potential solutions here

i have developed super cocktails of natural products, combinations no one talks about, i think it could give him a fighting chance, but the catholic spirituality aspect will be the most important

so basically thats what I would say, but who knows most people dont want to hear it
 
Don't be afraid to laugh. Or cry. The emotions are real so why shouldn't the reaction be just as real. And take care of yourself. Hopefully this will be a "long" road to a quick and full recovery. Your buddy is going to need you. Lost both of my parents to cancer. Mom was diagnosed on my 11th birthday. 7 months diagnosis to death. My Dad was diagnosed while I was in Africa. 15 days diagnosis to death. #CancerSucks
 
SF sorry to hear about your friend. I was wondering how I missed this thread until I realized that Friday I was in Fayetteville getting another scan.

In mid to late 2016 I started experiencing the exact same symptoms you described your friend having. My doctor told me it’s probably nothing but sent me to a surgeon who said the same thing but scheduled me a endoscopy.

My procedure was January 24th 2017. When I awoke in recovery the surgeon and my wife were standing over me with tears coming down my wife’s face. The surgeon said he was almost positive they I had esophageal cancer (EC). I did and it’s stage 3.

You are a great friend in reaching out for advise. I’m kinda in a unique situation in that not only do I have cancer but by best and oldest friend since childhood was diagnosed a week after me with stage 4 prostate cancer. We talk every Monday over the phone.

You and his wife did the right thing in talking him into chemo treatments. Not only will this extend his life but might qualify him for some other treatments just being administered to EC patients.

My advise like others have said here is to tell him you love him, have a good cry and tell him “Never Give Up!” Doctors have been wrong and miracles do happened.

I would like to recommend a website to you and his wife (caretaker). smartpatients.com is by far the best website to go on to hear from real life EC patients and their caregivers. Not to fill you with false hope but there are many stage 4 patients that have long out lived a bad prognosis.

About esophageal cancer. This disease is considered rare though cases seem to be on the uptick. Known as one of the silent killer cancers because symptoms often don’t appear until the cancer has spread and prognosis isn’t good.

The one symptom that could save your life is heartburn. If you get or have bad heartburn ask your doctor for an endoscopy. He may look at you funny and say just take this pill and it will go away but the next symptoms could be difficulty swallowing and unexplained loss of weight which are common in almost all EC diagnoses.

SF everyone should be as lucky having a friend like you.
Damn man, sorry to read that. Crazy thing is I have two friends with it right now. Both 46 years old. One is getting the surgery next week to remove his esophagus at UIHC. The Doctors think he will be fine after surgery and not need the Chemo.
My other friend now has throat issues that he's getting looked at tomorrow. I'm flying out to Oakland to go to take him to his 2nd Chemo session in May and help out around the house and take care of him for a couple days. Every day I talk to him and he seems more depressed.
I've been talking to a lot of people about this and it seems like everyone knows someone that has had it and had the esophagus removal surgery and now they're doing fine. Just seems like a crazy surgery.

Prayers to you that everything goes well. Update us on your progress!

I checked out Smart Patients and have sent it on to him. Thanks man.
 
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SF sorry to hear about your friend. I was wondering how I missed this thread until I realized that Friday I was in Fayetteville getting another scan.

In mid to late 2016 I started experiencing the exact same symptoms you described your friend having. My doctor told me it’s probably nothing but sent me to a surgeon who said the same thing but scheduled me a endoscopy.

My procedure was January 24th 2017. When I awoke in recovery the surgeon and my wife were standing over me with tears coming down my wife’s face. The surgeon said he was almost positive that I had esophageal cancer (EC). I did and it’s stage 3.

You are a great friend in reaching out for advise. I’m kinda in a unique situation in that not only do I have cancer but by best and oldest friend since childhood was diagnosed a week after me with stage 4 prostate cancer. We talk every Monday over the phone.

You and his wife did the right thing in talking him into chemo treatments. Not only will this extend his life but might qualify him for some other treatments just being administered to EC patients.

My advise like others have said here is to tell him you love him, have a good cry and tell him “Never Give Up!” Doctors have been wrong and miracles do happened.

I would like to recommend a website to you and his wife (caretaker). smartpatients.com is by far the best website to go on to hear from real life EC patients and their caregivers. Not to fill you with false hope but there are many stage 4 patients that have long out lived a bad prognosis.

About esophageal cancer. This disease is considered rare though cases seem to be on the uptick. Known as one of the silent killer cancers because symptoms often don’t appear until the cancer has spread and prognosis isn’t good.

The one symptom that could save your life is heartburn. If you get or have bad heartburn ask your doctor for an endoscopy. He may look at you funny and say just take this pill and it will go away but the next symptoms could be difficulty swallowing and unexplained loss of weight which are common in almost all EC diagnoses.

SF everyone should be as lucky having a friend like you.

Sorry you are going through this. Here is to recovery for you. Can I ask about the heart burn. What do you mean by bad heart burn? And, is it chronic heartburn that never really goes away?
 
Sorry you are going through this. Here is to recovery for you. Can I ask about the heart burn. What do you mean by bad heart burn? And, is it chronic heartburn that never really goes away?
If you have Rolaids or Tums on your nightstand or before you go out drinking buy a roll for your pocket you may want to talk with your doctor.

But...most doctors don’t take it serious enough to schedule a endoscopy. I complained to my doctor and he just wrote me a prescription for my heartburn. This is when I should have insisted on a scope.

That pretty much took care of almost all my heartburn for a couple years. Then came the difficulty swallowing, pants becoming loose and people asking if I was loosing weight. This is when my doctor said maybe I should have a scope. That’s potentially to late.

If you can catch this cancer early (stage 1 or stage 2) like most cancers the cure rate increases dramatically. If you don’t catch it early (stage 4) then the long term prognosis isn’t great.

I really recommend the website smartpatients.com. The people are wonderful and no question is dumb. All people are welcome weather you have cancer or just want to ask a question for yourself or a friend. I’m Battleship on that site if you want to discuss on a different forum.
 
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Damn man, sorry to read that. Crazy thing is I have two friends with it right now. Both 46 years old. One is getting the surgery next week to remove his esophagus at UIHC. The Doctors think he will be fine after surgery and not need the Chemo.
My other friend now has throat issues that he's getting looked at tomorrow. I'm flying out to Oakland to go to take him to his 2nd Chemo session in May and help out around the house and take care of him for a couple days. Every day I talk to him and he seems more depressed.
I've been talking to a lot of people about this and it seems like everyone knows someone that has had it and had the esophagus removal surgery and now they're doing fine. Just seems like a crazy surgery.

Prayers to you that everything goes well. Update us on your progress!

I checked out Smart Patients and have sent it on to him. Thanks man.
Thanks SF. I am more fortunate than your friend who sounds like he is stage 4 that has metastasized. I have stage 3 which is localized and qualified me for surgery after chemo and radiation.

I had my surgery May 24th 2017. You’re right it is a crazy surgery and one of the most difficult operations. My local surgeon sent me to a thoracic surgeon (he played for Arkansas in a final four but that’s another story) in Fayetteville two hours from where I live.

The surgery took part of my stomach and almost my entire esophagus. The remaining stomach was pulled up and attached to my throat. I was on a feeding tube 6 months and had lost 50 pounds.

I’m currently NED (No Evidence of Disease) and in remission. I get the results from my last scan on Friday. I live every day one day at a time. You do gain a different perspective on life and don’t sweat things that really don’t matter (like a Hawkeye loss.) :)
 
I hate hearing shit like this. I lost a friend to sarcoma last year just after he turned 40. Had wife and 2 kids. All the advice about spending time and having fun with him is spot on. We went to a cabin in Wisconsin, a few ball gsmes, etc with him. Also, if you have even the slightest worry or sign, get it checked out. He had a small lump on this arm for over a year. Drug his feet on getting it checked, then it was too late.
 
One of my best friends from Oakland called me on Tuesday to tell me was given 6-12 months to live, and that's IF he undergoes Chemo. He's only 46 years old, Him and his wife and 13 year old daughter are dear friends of ours. TBW and I were both in their wedding and lived next door to them for 6 years in Oakland.

Every few months we do facetime shots with them and everytime I'm in the Bay area I stay at their house. On NYE we called them to do a shot and he said he couldn't because he had bad heartburn but next time. Then in Feb. same thing, but he said he was losing weight so that was a good thing. In March we called for his birthday and same thing except he sounded scared and said he was having trouble swallowing and was going to the doctor to get it checked out.

Had an Endoscopy and they found a tumor in his esophagus at the opening to his stomach, they weren't sure if it was cancerous until they did some test and did a CT Scan. He called to tell me that it was cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes.

Met with the Oncologist Tuesday and they gave him the bad news that it was inoperable and very agressive. He would have to begin chemo immediately to give him any hope of surviving the next 6-12 months.

This is a guy that has never smoked a cigarette, drinks but not an alcoholic by any means, doesn't have cancer in the family. Doctor told him it's just one of those things that happens where he had very bad luck. Told him it probably started less than a year ago and just moved very quickly.

He was on the fence about getting Chemo when we spoke. Said he feels fine (other than only being able to eat soup broth) and doesn't want to spend his last days laying sick in a bed going through Chemo. Thinks maybe he'll just ride it out while he can still look and act like a normal person as long as he can.

His wife and I talked him into the chemo with the hopes that some miracle may happen or some new cure comes along while he's in Chemo.

TBW are flying out there for a weekend to be with them and hang out before he gets too sick. I feel terrible talking to him because I really don't know what to say. He doesn't want sympathy, says at work everyone mopes around him and gives him the sad face. He just wants me to be normal, but it's tough to do.

I've lost 3 good friends the past 4 years including one to this exact same cancer. I did the Eulogy for 2 of them and I just really feel uncomfortable about how this happening to all these friends in their 40's.

I told him that I'm here for him day or night, if he wants to call and scream at someone or call and cry to someone I'm here for him. But I'm just curious if anyone else has went through this on either side and what they appreciated or hated people saying.

It's really trivialized every other aspect of my life, I don't sweat anything any more it seems. While I'm having trouble sleeping because I drank too much coffee my friend is having trouble sleeping because he won't see his daughter opening Christmas presents.

Any advice appreciated. and #FVCKCANCER
I'm in the same boat right now with my aunt.

She was given a year or less (depending on chemo).

My parents just drove out to Colorado to see them, because we're not sure if she'll even be able to make it back to Iowa before things get worse.

All I can do is offer my support.....


As for what your friend is going through, it has me worried a bit because I deal with acid reflux and have been dealing with a diaphragm issue that was most likely caused by acid reflux. Esophageal cancer is something that can easily be caused by issues from acid reflux, so that's something I'm hoping to avoid at all costs, or at least be as proactive as possible as I continue to get into my 30s.
 
...

As for what your friend is going through, it has me worried a bit because I deal with acid reflux and have been dealing with a diaphragm issue that was most likely caused by acid reflux. Esophageal cancer is something that can easily be caused by issues from acid reflux, so that's something I'm hoping to avoid at all costs, or at least be as proactive as possible as I continue to get into my 30s.
Sir...please get treatment, as necessary, for your acid reflux condition. You are correct to take it seriously now. I know someone well who was pretty hard headed and self treated the symptoms for years with throat lozenges, etc, and then ultimately was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and was inside of a year.

Several people advised him to get to a doctor about the chronic issue, but he essentially ignored them...and ultimately died from it.
 
As a result of this thread, I finally went in to my dermatologist after about 12 years for a full body examination for skin cancer. I had a spot on my forehead that seemed to be changing quite a bit. That was the only spot that was cancerous, basal cell. He got all of it and I'll be going in each year going forward. It runs in my family so I need to stay on top of it.
 
I'm in the same boat right now with my aunt.

She was given a year or less (depending on chemo).

My parents just drove out to Colorado to see them, because we're not sure if she'll even be able to make it back to Iowa before things get worse.

All I can do is offer my support.....


As for what your friend is going through, it has me worried a bit because I deal with acid reflux and have been dealing with a diaphragm issue that was most likely caused by acid reflux. Esophageal cancer is something that can easily be caused by issues from acid reflux, so that's something I'm hoping to avoid at all costs, or at least be as proactive as possible as I continue to get into my 30s.
Go to your doctor and insist on a endoscopy procedure. I know of someone in their 30’s that died within a year of a esophageal cancer diagnosis. I’ve mentioned this a couple times in this thread but anyone wanting first hand knowledge of this cancer should check out smartpatients.com.
 
As a result of this thread, I finally went in to my dermatologist after about 12 years for a full body examination for skin cancer. I had a spot on my forehead that seemed to be changing quite a bit. That was the only spot that was cancerous, basal cell. He got all of it and I'll be going in each year going forward. It runs in my family so I need to stay on top of it.
I think there was a movie about this. You just signed up for an even more gruesome end.
Ts & Ps.
 
One of my best friends from Oakland called me on Tuesday to tell me was given 6-12 months to live, and that's IF he undergoes Chemo. He's only 46 years old, Him and his wife and 13 year old daughter are dear friends of ours. TBW and I were both in their wedding and lived next door to them for 6 years in Oakland.

Every few months we do facetime shots with them and everytime I'm in the Bay area I stay at their house. On NYE we called them to do a shot and he said he couldn't because he had bad heartburn but next time. Then in Feb. same thing, but he said he was losing weight so that was a good thing. In March we called for his birthday and same thing except he sounded scared and said he was having trouble swallowing and was going to the doctor to get it checked out.

Had an Endoscopy and they found a tumor in his esophagus at the opening to his stomach, they weren't sure if it was cancerous until they did some test and did a CT Scan. He called to tell me that it was cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes.

Met with the Oncologist Tuesday and they gave him the bad news that it was inoperable and very agressive. He would have to begin chemo immediately to give him any hope of surviving the next 6-12 months.

This is a guy that has never smoked a cigarette, drinks but not an alcoholic by any means, doesn't have cancer in the family. Doctor told him it's just one of those things that happens where he had very bad luck. Told him it probably started less than a year ago and just moved very quickly.

He was on the fence about getting Chemo when we spoke. Said he feels fine (other than only being able to eat soup broth) and doesn't want to spend his last days laying sick in a bed going through Chemo. Thinks maybe he'll just ride it out while he can still look and act like a normal person as long as he can.

His wife and I talked him into the chemo with the hopes that some miracle may happen or some new cure comes along while he's in Chemo.

TBW are flying out there for a weekend to be with them and hang out before he gets too sick. I feel terrible talking to him because I really don't know what to say. He doesn't want sympathy, says at work everyone mopes around him and gives him the sad face. He just wants me to be normal, but it's tough to do.

I've lost 3 good friends the past 4 years including one to this exact same cancer. I did the Eulogy for 2 of them and I just really feel uncomfortable about how this happening to all these friends in their 40's.

I told him that I'm here for him day or night, if he wants to call and scream at someone or call and cry to someone I'm here for him. But I'm just curious if anyone else has went through this on either side and what they appreciated or hated people saying.

It's really trivialized every other aspect of my life, I don't sweat anything any more it seems. While I'm having trouble sleeping because I drank too much coffee my friend is having trouble sleeping because he won't see his daughter opening Christmas presents.

Any advice appreciated. and #FVCKCANCER
How’s your friend doing?
 
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