Hey all, the shite finally hit the fan.

jasonrann

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I can sense your hopelessness from here my man. It’s a hard place to be for sure, it took me three tries to successfully call a crisis line at one point, and if I learned anything from it is that you don’t have to battle alone. If you don’t have a therapist, I would get one. Hope I don’t seem pushy on it, but mental health is the real deal. I very much recommend.

And no matter what transpires those kids will still be around so you must last and makes the good choices. Stay strong, better days are ahead.
I told her yesterday I was not going to leave the house again. This morning, I reconsidered until we talk on Thursday. I need to be out of the house for now. My mind isn't right, I am having bad thoughts.
 
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noleclone2

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Hang in there brother. You are not alone at all in this new adventure. I hit day 16 no booze today and feeling a lot, well, different, in a good way. CRS is much reduced, moods are more even, and sleep is better. And lost freakin 12 pounds. Not going back for a long while if ever based on these results.
 
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Moral

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I told her yesterday I was not going to leave the house again. This morning, I reconsidered until we talk on Thursday. I need to be out of the house for now. My mind isn't right, I am having bad thoughts.

Been there where my mind isn't right and I had some dark thoughts and plans. My mind was so warped that I thought suicidal planning was a normal thing. It isnt.

You can text 988. It is a crisis line. I had to do something similar to get my mind back in line. It was one of the best choices I ever made.
 

BelemNole

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I told her yesterday I was not going to leave the house again. This morning, I reconsidered until we talk on Thursday. I need to be out of the house for now. My mind isn't right, I am having bad thoughts.
Hey man, you're having a bad day in a lousy month. But...fight thru it and your kids will never know. They're young, they won't remember this month. You'll be their hero (until they're teenagers), you'll watch them play sports, you'll dance at weddings. You can handle a couple more bad days for all that. It's what we do.
 

Hawk_82

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I told her yesterday I was not going to leave the house again. This morning, I reconsidered until we talk on Thursday. I need to be out of the house for now. My mind isn't right, I am having bad thoughts.
Is your wife supportive of you? If not, it is ok to move on from her. You can still be there for your kids and you can learn to have a cordial relationship with her.

But if problems in your relationship are what started the downward spiral, its ok to end the relationship. you both might be great people, but some people are toxic together. I have no idea if this applies to you.

Good luck. Hang in there.
 
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nolesincebirth

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Who carries those?
Publix has some flavors (same manufacturer) but the good stuff I order directly from their website and they ship them. They’re about $3 each so they add up. But I drink them on days when I’m alone grilling and would like a drink but don’t need to be drinking. So it gives me the feel of a beer as I grill. It’s worth it to me.
 
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goldmom

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Is your wife supportive of you? If not, it is ok to move on from her. You can still be there for your kids and you can learn to have a cordial relationship with her.

But if problems in your relationship are what started the downward spiral, its ok to end the relationship. you both might be great people, but some people are toxic together. I have no idea if this applies to you.

Good luck. Hang in there.
Wait a bit on that. She may have been unable to deal with the alcoholic JR and when the sober JR is around for a bit you both need to “re-introduce” yourselves to each other.
She’s been the life partner who has been in a vehicle with a guy who became someone that she didn’t know.
You’re different because of it and she is too. If you want to stay together- for the two of you or for the kids then BOTH of you need to acknowledge that. She has work to do as well.
 

jasonrann

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Been there where my mind isn't right and I had some dark thoughts and plans. My mind was so warped that I thought suicidal planning was a normal thing. It isnt.

You can text 988. It is a crisis line. I had to do something similar to get my mind back in line. It was one of the best choices I ever made.
Thank you. I need this today.
 

jasonrann

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Is your wife supportive of you? If not, it is ok to move on from her. You can still be there for your kids and you can learn to have a cordial relationship with her.

But if problems in your relationship are what started the downward spiral, its ok to end the relationship. you both might be great people, but some people are toxic together. I have no idea if this applies to you.

Good luck. Hang in there.
I don't know. This is my 4th week out of the house. If you would have told me that at the beginning, I would have said you were high. Me, by myself, is not a good thing. I talk to her every day, saw her four times last week. She acts like things cannot be better.

All I know right now is I can't drink and that is fine. Unfortunately, we don't talk about ANYTHING if the kids are around. I will give you one guess as to how often the kids aren't around. Yeah, never.
 
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jasonrann

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Wait a bit on that. She may have been unable to deal with the alcoholic JR and when the sober JR is around for a bit you both need to “re-introduce” yourselves to each other.
She’s been the life partner who has been in a vehicle with a guy who became someone that she didn’t know.
You’re different because of it and she is too. If you want to stay together- for the two of you or for the kids then BOTH of you need to acknowledge that. She has work to do as well.
She has told me that she is worried about the kids if alcoholic JR is around. I am slowly coming to terms with that. When we originally agreed to the "sit down", I told her I had my concerns/issues as well. That said, if her mind is made up, my concerns don't amount to jack shite.
 

3boysmom

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I'm going to guess that it is going to take her a while to trust that the drinking is truly gone. I don't know the specifics and you certainly don't need to share them, but it seems like this isn't the first time you have said you were going to quit drinking. So in her mind what makes this time different? If she just lets you come home and go on as if nothing happened, what assurance does she have that you won't just start right back where you left off? Has she been in touch with AlAnon? I truly don't believe this is something that can be fixed without help of some kind. Not only for the drinking, but for the trust and dynamics of the marriage.
 

jasonrann

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I'm going to guess that it is going to take her a while to trust that the drinking is truly gone. I don't know the specifics and you certainly don't need to share them, but it seems like this isn't the first time you have said you were going to quit drinking. So in her mind what makes this time different? If she just lets you come home and go on as if nothing happened, what assurance does she have that you won't just start right back where you left off? Has she been in touch with AlAnon? I truly don't believe this is something that can be fixed without help of some kind. Not only for the drinking, but for the trust and dynamics of the marriage.
Trust is definitely the issue. This isn't the first time I tried to stop. My heart went out of rhythm for the first time in six years a few weeks ago. It was after a big drinking weekend with a college buddy. I was in the hospital for five days. That was the start of my four weeks out of the house.

I have been going to AA ever since and will continue to. It is helping.
 

Hawkfan_08

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Glad to hear things are going well for you. I have turned over a new leaf working out (I know I know, a recurring theme which has not had proper follow through over the past few years). Had a couple of wake up calls on a recent trip in being utterly exhausted and put to shame on a failed "mountain" hike with with 1,280 feet of climb over 1.2 miles, and how I was looking in pictures. Driven home by Bill Maher's recent query: how many fat 90-year olds have you seen? As I close out the latter portion of my 40s, the motivation runs deep to stick around for whatever comes next and down the road. It's only been a week or so, but I have scaled back the alcohol, stuck to a diet, and rediscovered how easy elliptical trainers are on the knees so I am hitting that pretty hard. csb
I appreciate that. I'm super skinny because of an oddly high metabolism. Sucked in high school and college but okay through my 30s! Anyway, I am almost at the point where I'm closer to 40 than 35 and while I look healthy (being thin), I'm not. I'm terribly out of shape and dreading getting back in. I have to cut down on eating terribly, actually running and possibly, only for the second time, try to lift consistently. I at least used to do a minimum of 300 crunches of some sort a night and I'm not sure I have 300 combined crunches this year. The Bill Maher video kind of shook my cages too.

For Jason, I'm glad to see your priorties are straight. That will always be the light at the end of the tunnel. You want to be a good dad for your kids and hopefully a good husband. Seems like you are dying everything necessary. Continued good luck and prayers sent your way (even if you don't believe).
 
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praguehawk

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Trust is definitely the issue. This isn't the first time I tried to stop. My heart went out of rhythm for the first time in six years a few weeks ago. It was after a big drinking weekend with a college buddy. I was in the hospital for five days. That was the start of my four weeks out of the house.

I have been going to AA ever since and will continue to. It is helping.
A few things. Hopefully you are talking to someone when you have the urge to do something stupid. An alcoholic alone is behind enemy lines. Your wife may need and probably deserves as much time as she wants. Don't beat yourself up about it, but consider how many times you've broken your word or not come through on a promise. The best thing you can do now is keep making that living amend by doing the next right thing. Nobody gets a parade thrown for them just cause they stopped drinking and being an asshole. Good luck. It can be done and it can get better.
 

jasonrann

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A few things. Hopefully you are talking to someone when you have the urge to do something stupid. An alcoholic alone is behind enemy lines. Your wife may need and probably deserves as much time as she wants. Don't beat yourself up about it, but consider how many times you've broken your word or not come through on a promise. The best thing you can do now is keep making that living amend by doing the next right thing. Nobody gets a parade thrown for them just cause they stopped drinking and being an asshole. Good luck. It can be done and it can get better.
No parade needed, I just want to go home. I have certainly not been a saint, but alcohol isn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship. IMHO, being apart is not a functional way to work on that.
 

srams21

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No parade needed, I just want to go home. I have certainly not been a saint, but alcohol isn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship. IMHO, being apart is not a functional way to work on that.
Had their been issues besides the alcohol leading up to this recent incident?

Also, keep your head up man. You got this.
 
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3boysmom

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No parade needed, I just want to go home. I have certainly not been a saint, but alcohol isn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship. IMHO, being apart is not a functional way to work on that.
I understand that you feel this way but I will tell you that I have heard on a lot of different mom type pages that the opposite is true. That when dealing with an addict they must leave and deal with their issues before you can even begin to work on the family issues. I won't pretend to know the true answer but I just want you to be prepared that this could be a long process. If so, please do not get discouraged. The most important thing right now is to stay sober. Whether or not the marriage can be saved you have to be there for your kids. Not only when they are growing but after they are grown. That is the payoff and so worth it to be able to have that relationship with your grown kids.
 

Colonoscopy

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I told her yesterday I was not going to leave the house again. This morning, I reconsidered until we talk on Thursday. I need to be out of the house for now. My mind isn't right, I am having bad thoughts.
I'd find a therapist to talk to. I can't profess to understand exactly where you're at mentally, but talking almost always helps.

And it probably would be seen by your wife as being responsible.

Also... and I'm not sure it completely applies here, but it mat.

If you have to take anti depressant/anxiety (usually SSRI) temporarily, so be it. Having gone through shit... I always wished I would've started earlier.

One thought I read that stuck with me, from a psychiatrist, is that it's best to nip stuff like this in the bud, rather than letting it fester.



Also, drug wise...naltrexone has been effective for some people in curbing craving/pleasure associated with alcohol. Might be worth looking into.
 
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Colonoscopy

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No parade needed, I just want to go home. I have certainly not been a saint, but alcohol isn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship. IMHO, being apart is not a functional way to work on that.
Don't try to do everything at once. Get your head settled, stop drinking, and once you've got that... work on the other stuff.
 

jasonrann

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I would just like to thank everyone for the help yesterday, that is as low as I have been in as long as I can remember. I went to my 4:00 meeting yesterday afternoon and stayed with a buddy last night. I will be following the same routine today. Still planning to meet with the wife (no pic) on Thursday to talk. Much appreciated!
 

Moral

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I would just like to thank everyone for the help yesterday, that is as low as I have been in as long as I can remember. I went to my 4:00 meeting yesterday afternoon and stayed with a buddy last night. I will be following the same routine today. Still planning to meet with the wife (no pic) on Thursday to talk. Much appreciated!

Thanks for the update. I had thought about you over the weekend but didn’t want to bump your thread in case you didn’t want to see it. 😅
 

jasonrann

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Thanks for the update. I had thought about you over the weekend but didn’t want to bump your thread in case you didn’t want to see it. 😅
Thank you, brother. That help line came in very handy on Monday along with my meeting. I went to another meeting yesterday and will again today. I'm stopping by the house today to see the wife (no pic) and daughter before the daughter starts school tomorrow. Tomorrow will be our discussion about where we are. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have been trying to prepare mentally for the worst. It isn't easy.
 

pink shizzle

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Hey man, hoping for nothing but the best. If I recall correctly from a few of your posts, you're a distinguished gentleman that enjoys to PIITB. So to lighten the mood, maybe this will help lift your spirits a bit.

Screenshot-20220810-073107-Instagram.jpg


In all seriousness though, best of luck to you and your family.
 

HawkCapt1912

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Former DBQer in WDM
Thank you, brother. That help line came in very handy on Monday along with my meeting. I went to another meeting yesterday and will again today. I'm stopping by the house today to see the wife (no pic) and daughter before the daughter starts school tomorrow. Tomorrow will be our discussion about where we are. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have been trying to prepare mentally for the worst. It isn't easy.
Remember, you can only control what you do. You cannot control what she does or thinks. If you’re doing this (stopping drinking) for anyone else but you, success can be limited.
 

Moral

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Thank you, brother. That help line came in very handy on Monday along with my meeting. I went to another meeting yesterday and will again today. I'm stopping by the house today to see the wife (no pic) and daughter before the daughter starts school tomorrow. Tomorrow will be our discussion about where we are. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have been trying to prepare mentally for the worst. It isn't easy.

I bet right now you are feeling what I like to call "hurry up and wait." Anticipation is terrible, just keep making the good choices.

I wouldn't prepare too much, it is just a brutal amount of energy and stress to burn. I say that knowing I would be doing the same damn thing as you. Fingers crossed.
 

UNIHawkfan

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I'd find a therapist to talk to. I can't profess to understand exactly where you're at mentally, but talking almost always helps.

And it probably would be seen by your wife as being responsible.

Also... and I'm not sure it completely applies here, but it mat.

If you have to take anti depressant/anxiety (usually SSRI) temporarily, so be it. Having gone through shit... I always wished I would've started earlier.

One thought I read that stuck with me, from a psychiatrist, is that it's best to nip stuff like this in the bud, rather than letting it fester.



Also, drug wise...naltrexone has been effective for some people in curbing craving/pleasure associated with alcohol. Might be worth looking into.
This is good advice. Taking an SSI improved my life in ways I didn’t even know it needed to be improved.

I have a good friend who just went through a similar situation and he finally moved back in about a month ago. He hasn’t had a drink in over six months and his life seems better than ever. He also still does everything he used to do socially, he just doesn’t drink….and guess what…he hasn’t lost any friends and most people actually like him more now.

Hang in there OP. It might seem like too much to overcome, but I promise you that if you keep trying to win each hour/day/week, life will pay you back.
 

jasonrann

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I bet right now you are feeling what I like to call "hurry up and wait." Anticipation is terrible, just keep making the good choices.

I wouldn't prepare too much, it is just a brutal amount of energy and stress to burn. I say that knowing I would be doing the same damn thing as you. Fingers crossed.
Anticipation is horrid. I haven't eaten since Monday night, my stomach is in absolute knots. That said, my lunch visit with wife and daughter today went well. I will continue to hope for the best.
 

jasonrann

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Hey man, hoping for nothing but the best. If I recall correctly from a few of your posts, you're a distinguished gentleman that enjoys to PIITB. So to lighten the mood, maybe this will help lift your spirits a bit.

Screenshot-20220810-073107-Instagram.jpg


In all seriousness though, best of luck to you and your family.
You are a kind and generous man. That said, the reminder that I'm not getting any is hard :)
 

Moral

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Anticipation is horrid. I haven't eaten since Monday night, my stomach is in absolute knots. That said, my lunch visit with wife and daughter today went well. I will continue to hope for the best.

Force yourself to eat. If I was in KC I would so be getting Bibibop. Hopefully they open one in the QC one day.
 
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jasonrann

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Do you smoke green or no?
I don't, never has been my thing, I was always more of a "stimulant" kind of guy. The buddy that I have been staying with gave me a CBD oil last week to help with sleep. That has at least helped some. Instead of waking at 3:00 or 4:00, I am at least making it until 5:00.
 

jasonrann

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Force yourself to eat. If I was in KC I would so be getting Bibibop. Hopefully they open one in the QC one day.
Dude, I have never heard of this place. It is officially on the list. That's my old neighborhood.
 
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Chishawk1425

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I would just like to thank everyone for the help yesterday, that is as low as I have been in as long as I can remember. I went to my 4:00 meeting yesterday afternoon and stayed with a buddy last night. I will be following the same routine today. Still planning to meet with the wife (no pic) on Thursday to talk. Much appreciated!
Thinking of you and yours and rooting for the best possible outcome!
 
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GlenHawk

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I will preface my comment with the fact that I am not married and don't have any kids, so take my advice for what it's worth.

I think it's important that you don't push the "I want to come home" stuff on your wife when you meet tomorrow. Like others have said, she is most likely having doubts about how sincere your actions are based on previous events, so your pushing to come home before she's ready will most likely be offputting and just drive her further away.

If it were me, I would say something along the lines of "As much as I want to come home to be with you and the kids, I really think it's important that I figure out my drinking and mental health before that happens." Don't give her the option of telling you no and let her know everything you are doing to make it right (e.g. going to AA, seeing a therapist, etc). I know it's killing you to not be there but just don't push too much on going back home just yet. I'm guessing she wants to see some significant and permanent lifestyle changes before she's comfortable letting you back into their everyday lives.

Good luck, OP. We are all rooting for you.
 

HawkOptimist

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From experience (my addiction was pretty ladies), she is going to need to see changes from you over a longer period of time. You’re doing all the right things by seeking help, going to AA, etc., but for most women, they don’t want to just see short term change. They need to see you take the steps you’re taking now, and then remain consistent and committed to becoming a better man, husband, father over the the long haul.

She doesn’t want to see the sad, mopey, can’t-live-without-you, always depressed Jasonrann. She needs and wants to see a confident, I’m-owning-up-to-my-sh!t, I’m-getting-help, I’m-doing-this-for-me-so-I-can-be-better-for-you-and-the-kids Jasonrann.

Just keep at it. Become the person YOU are proud of, and everything else will fall into place.