Hey all, the shite finally hit the fan.
- Thread starter jasonrann
- Start date
It's just a guess, but from the perspective of his wife they already tried that and it didn't work. She very nearly became a widow and her children orphans because of his drinking. So now she wants to try something different.
Fantastic stuff here, thank you.
I did a stupid thing on Sunday. When they were out of town, I called and talked to her and told her I wasn't going to leave the house again. By Monday, I realized that was a dumb move and told her I would stay away as long as necessary. We just need to be working on things, figuring out a way to talk regularly if we are going to move ahead. She works from home, our daughter starts school tomorrow and our son is in daycare. It shouldn't be hard to find time to talk.
I am finding out very quickly that I have a large support group, whether that is friends or AA. I just have to ask for help and go to meetings. They have both saved me these past few days.
Thank you for this!
I have a question for you and previous posters. Alcohol is not the only issue in our relationship. We have a six year old and a one year old and our lives revolve around kids and what they are doing. I get that. What I don't get is not being able to have ANY conversation of substance when the kids are around. We have not gone to dinner, just the two of us, nor have we been intimate in a year and a half. The conception of our son was the last time. I have A LOT of anger associated with that and is part of what has fueled my drinking. I get no acknowledgment of the fact that is lacking from our relationship, zero. At what point, if there is one, do I voice my concerns about what is or isn't happening?
Yikes!!!
I don't think you do this one-on-one. You need to do some serious couples counselling. You probably need to stay on the straight and narrow for a quite a while before doing this, imo. Get yourself fixed and then work on your relationship. Start doing your due diligence on some therapists.
I could be totally wrong, however. I'm licensed in nothing.
I will spare you the details of the last time it was before that. If we end up deciding on divorce, I am going to go on an epic run of chasing tail.
If there's a possibility it can't be salvaged, make sure you keep your lines of communication open with @soybean. He'll hook you up.
But do some therapy first.
I remember those festive post you made on here. You certainly make more sense now.
Passive aggression over thinking Iowa tourism is silly? That's pretty Iowan.
No worries bud. I get it. But the first time I ever noticed your handle was those posts. I thought damn this guys is trashed. I’ve been there. It doesn’t matter to me one bit what you think about Iowa tourism. I live about 5 miles from the FOD and I think the National exposure is pretty cool. But that is another thread….👍 peace
Developmental trauma? Can take a bit to unwind all that. Therapy helps for lots of people though.
Obliterated. I tried to drink like always after 6 months off. It don't work that way.
Agree with posters that say fix you first. Be nice to your wife. Work out, get in shape if you aren’t. Make healthy decisions. Pick up a hobby or two. Preferably skilled. Rebuild yourself.
Don't ever get too down on yourself. Remember, at the end of the day, you're still a HORT'er. Even at rock bottom, you'll still have a 9-inch dong and the ability to lick your own eyebrows......there's definitely some value in that.
VERY little these days. I don't have the time to spend on the research.
It can’t be overstated how important it is for a married couple with kids to MAKE THE TIME for each other. This really bothers me when I hear stories like this, because I lived it, felt like I made great effort to fix it, but ultimately felt defeated and was just done.
When the person who loves you, your very own spouse, is withholding affection and intimacy from you…that’s a major mindfrick. And people find something to fill the void. Maybe for you, it’s been drinking.
Yeah, I'll second that. I haven't had this happen to me personally, but someone I'm close to went through something like it. The mistake to avoid, from what I saw, is avoiding making this about "us" instead of "me" -- the person that is trying to better themselves.
Avoid coming off desperate, avoid talking about other items in the relationship that might next fixing. Do make it all about what you're doing to better yourself. Do talk about what you've learned. Give her hope that it is clicking mentally for you and that you "get it."
(in the situation I was in, for a good while the dude didn't "get it" according to the other person... and this was also my view)
Hmmm, this is making more sense to me now.
If you were in a better relationship, you would be working on this TOGETHER, in the same house.
Was it her idea for you to get out of the house? Or yours?
Your marital problems is not just the booze.
Hers. After I spent a week in the hospital with a heart issue due to drinking, she booted me. I have lots of options on places to stay so I didn't fight it. I figured she deserved that time. While I am hopeful that we can get help, I worry that she is done. That would be disappointing considering we haven't even spoken about our issues, but my mind is going all directions these days.
I told her I would do couples counseling, but only if I am in the house. I won't do an hour/week and not talk or see each other between times.
Oh boy. Man, I am going to sound like a dick here but I feel like we are finally getting somewhere with the marriage part of this conversation. You want to quit drinking, do it for you, but your marriage has bigger holes than just your drinking. This is a sexless marriage and would be absolutely miserable. HAve you talked to her about this stuff already? Are you sure you want to be in this marriage? I wouldn't be able to go a month, let alone a year and a half. This would be a total deal breaker for me unless she had good reasons for not wanting sex.
Does SHE want couple counseling?
How long were you married before kids? How was your sex life before kids?
My wife and I were only married for a couple of years before we had our first child.
We were in our early twenties and I still wanted to go out and have fun. She never did. She never wanted to leave our daughter, even though she would have been in good hands (family). Our sex life suffered, but certainly didn't come to a complete halt.
I worked in a large corporate setting with an abundant source of young attractive women.
Going out for drinks with friends, I ended up getting a little too close to a girl and had an emotional affair.
Bought another house, moved out, the whole nine yards.
Luckily the other girl didn't want to be a "marriage wrecker" and backed off. My wife and I ended up back together. Over 20 years right now.
Marriage is VERY difficult. We have been almost too focused on our kids as well. You have to make time for you both together.
Our marriage still isn't perfect. But hey, fake boobs hopefully coming soon. LOL
Whatever happens, keep yourself happy and healthy for yourself and your children.
Best of luck.
I might sound harsh but I was in a similar relationship. Thankfully, I wasn't married. She would withhold sex and intimacy unless and until she felt like it. Ultimately, it became untenable and I cheated on her and left. All I can tell you is that it's hard reconciling a love less relationship and the chances of that reconciliation succeeding are very very very slim. Since those days, I've seen seen said individual in public and would not touch her with a barge pole.
So the wife (no pic) and I talked today after I got out of hospital. Had heart issues again and went in yesterday
We are going to do counseling, but she doesn't want me staying at home until we figure out our issues. Not sure how I feel about that, but I know it will only antagonize her if I push back. We both acknowledged also that our current relationship is not acceptable. Going to be a LONG haul, y'all.
We are going to do counseling, but she doesn't want me staying at home until we figure out our issues. Not sure how I feel about that, but I know it will only antagonize her if I push back. We both acknowledged also that our current relationship is not acceptable. Going to be a LONG haul, y'all.
Hang in there Jason.
Good to hear you're talkin. Take care of yourself and i like to think everything else will work itself out
SIL is the same age I think? They could become HORT royalty!
Hey that’s something. Now you just need to keep making good decisions and put in the work and the rest should follow.
Try to find some mindless way to relax and drop that stress the best you can.
I'm pretty sure Moral is saying to fap a lot. I would take his advice on this, as I think he's pre-med.
In all seriousness just keep fighting the good fight for yourself and your kids one day at a time bro!
Show her the man she fell in love with years ago. He's still in you.
Sounds like it’s time to get your gym bro on and drop a few el beees.
I think it’s fantastic that there are a lot of guys on here who are sharing their own life experiences and offering sincere encouragement. Seeing the best of HROT right now. ☺️
I’ve forgotten how old you are, how long you’re married, how old she is, first marriage, etc. but honestly I think there are SO many factors involved between two people that it’s just hard to overlay ONE pattern that two people should follow in a marriage now.
You love and marry someone who is a certain human but only on that date. You grow and change and so do they.
Meet in college maybe, date all the way through, get married right after graduation - and then you grow up together. (That was me - majorly clueless by the way)
No way are the two of you today who you were on that day - even ten years later. And you won’t stop changing.
When women withhold sex or “lose interest” they are SUPER PISSED and are often suppressing it. “You ass! Can’t you see what you’re doing? I’ve got these two little humans we made and ONE of us has to BE THERE for THEM. Not you, you’re a grownup too dammit so act like one. I’m exhausted after being THE grownup in this house and your drunk ass wants to climb on me and do what? Sooo sexy...and on top of all that, you got whiskey dick you effing clown”!
This could well be what she’s thinking. I’m only guessing because we only know your story and glimpses of her story as told by you.
I’m sharing this because of my own experience. My late husband struggled with alcohol for about a fifteen year stretch for many reasons but mostly including genetics until he got sober and stayed that way until his passing many years ago.
During that time we became two “islands” who stayed together but boy did we struggle. We weren’t the kids who were so drawn to each other at 19 anymore.
He became my best friend and soulmate and I’m so grateful we had six great years before he passed way too soon. Took some serious therapy and releasing of hurt and anger.
I could say a lot more about marriage and a man and a woman but just remember to think about that man who you are now, and ask her to think about who she is. Who’s changed? Both. What’s changed? Everything.
And do think of the kids. The little people who had no vote or say in having y’all for a Mom and Dad. We can all likely say they love y’all more than anyone can imagine.
DUDE hang in there. It’s hard work.
I’ve forgotten how old you are, how long you’re married, how old she is, first marriage, etc. but honestly I think there are SO many factors involved between two people that it’s just hard to overlay ONE pattern that two people should follow in a marriage now.
You love and marry someone who is a certain human but only on that date. You grow and change and so do they.
Meet in college maybe, date all the way through, get married right after graduation - and then you grow up together. (That was me - majorly clueless by the way)
No way are the two of you today who you were on that day - even ten years later. And you won’t stop changing.
When women withhold sex or “lose interest” they are SUPER PISSED and are often suppressing it. “You ass! Can’t you see what you’re doing? I’ve got these two little humans we made and ONE of us has to BE THERE for THEM. Not you, you’re a grownup too dammit so act like one. I’m exhausted after being THE grownup in this house and your drunk ass wants to climb on me and do what? Sooo sexy...and on top of all that, you got whiskey dick you effing clown”!
This could well be what she’s thinking. I’m only guessing because we only know your story and glimpses of her story as told by you.
I’m sharing this because of my own experience. My late husband struggled with alcohol for about a fifteen year stretch for many reasons but mostly including genetics until he got sober and stayed that way until his passing many years ago.
During that time we became two “islands” who stayed together but boy did we struggle. We weren’t the kids who were so drawn to each other at 19 anymore.
He became my best friend and soulmate and I’m so grateful we had six great years before he passed way too soon. Took some serious therapy and releasing of hurt and anger.
I could say a lot more about marriage and a man and a woman but just remember to think about that man who you are now, and ask her to think about who she is. Who’s changed? Both. What’s changed? Everything.
And do think of the kids. The little people who had no vote or say in having y’all for a Mom and Dad. We can all likely say they love y’all more than anyone can imagine.
DUDE hang in there. It’s hard work.
I get that she is pissed, I am also pissed about plenty. Seems a little bit unreasonable to expect me to stay out of the house indefinitely but at least we had the conversation. It's a start.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
We have been together for 15 years. Our first child came six years ago. I didn't adjust well and we both just quit communicating. I'm 52 and she is 42. The kids have always been a hurdle because she doesn't like to talk about sensitive issues around them. I have to admit, it is hard at times to even talk to her with the kids around because we are immediately distracted and get caught up in chores.
I think about the kids a TON because I grew up without a mother and with a father that had no interest in parenting. I want a stable life for them that is full of love and happiness, not with parents having to figure out "who gets them" this weekend.
I won't let myself get to the place I was yesterday again. The lack of eating, lack of sleep and ridiculous stress finally caught up with me and put me in the hospital. My blood pressure was 75/50 when my buddy wheeled me in because I couldn't walk. That isn't going to help anything.
The coming days, weeks or months … however long it takes her to be willing to accept you back into the home, if she even does (sorry, just thinking realistically here) … are going to be tough on you, if you let it.
Meaning, you’re going to have moments of panic, desperation, clarity, confidence, sadness, happiness, longing, nostalgia, regret, hope, despair … maybe all in a 5 minute span. Just know that this is normal when going through a separation. Yeah, as much as it hurts to read, you and your wife are separated.
The key is, despite all those things, try to always stay positive and confident around her and the kids. Keep taking ownership for your actions, keep working on becoming the best version of yourself (JFC, did I just quote Matt Campbell?), keep the lines of communication open with her (without being pushy and needy), let her be pissed at you, allow her her feelings, get in shape, take care of yourself, show her the changes you’re making (without telling her, if that makes sense … telling her about how you’ve changed instead of letting her see it herself will likely push her away), and surround yourself with positive influences.
Keep at it, man.
Meaning, you’re going to have moments of panic, desperation, clarity, confidence, sadness, happiness, longing, nostalgia, regret, hope, despair … maybe all in a 5 minute span. Just know that this is normal when going through a separation. Yeah, as much as it hurts to read, you and your wife are separated.
The key is, despite all those things, try to always stay positive and confident around her and the kids. Keep taking ownership for your actions, keep working on becoming the best version of yourself (JFC, did I just quote Matt Campbell?), keep the lines of communication open with her (without being pushy and needy), let her be pissed at you, allow her her feelings, get in shape, take care of yourself, show her the changes you’re making (without telling her, if that makes sense … telling her about how you’ve changed instead of letting her see it herself will likely push her away), and surround yourself with positive influences.
Keep at it, man.
I didn't realize your husband had passed. My sincerest condolences. Great post by the way.
