Hey all, the shite finally hit the fan.

GOHOX69

HR Legend
Sep 26, 2009
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Thank you so much for sharing this!

We have been together for 15 years. Our first child came six years ago. I didn't adjust well and we both just quit communicating. I'm 52 and she is 42. The kids have always been a hurdle because she doesn't like to talk about sensitive issues around them. I have to admit, it is hard at times to even talk to her with the kids around because we are immediately distracted and get caught up in chores.

I think about the kids a TON because I grew up without a mother and with a father that had no interest in parenting. I want a stable life for them that is full of love and happiness, not with parents having to figure out "who gets them" this weekend.

I won't let myself get to the place I was yesterday again. The lack of eating, lack of sleep and ridiculous stress finally caught up with me and put me in the hospital. My blood pressure was 75/50 when my buddy wheeled me in because I couldn't walk. That isn't going to help anything.
You need to stabilize your cardiac health. Obviously, stress is a contributor, but what have your physicians said? No one wants to see you pass away. Let me know if I can help. Thank you.
 

jasonrann

HR Legend
Gold Member
Apr 11, 2007
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You need to stabilize your cardiac health. Obviously, stress is a contributor, but what have your physicians said? No one wants to see you pass away. Let me know if I can help. Thank you.
My heart was in AFib. When that happens, as you know, the heart is out of it's normal rhythm. Stroke risk goes up because clots can form more easily.

I went through cardioversion and took the paddles yesterday and got it shocked back into normal rhythm. I did a two hour session today and did a stress test and had multiple scans to review the structure. I nailed the stress test despite my condition yesterday. My cardiologist said my heart is very healthy and strong with no structural issues, just have to keep it in rhythm. My medication has been changed to include a blood thinner, BP treatment and something to help keep it in rhythm. I need to manage stress, caffeine and alcohol.
 

goldmom

HR Legend
Mar 29, 2002
19,916
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Thank you so much for sharing this!

We have been together for 15 years. Our first child came six years ago. I didn't adjust well and we both just quit communicating. I'm 52 and she is 42. The kids have always been a hurdle because she doesn't like to talk about sensitive issues around them. I have to admit, it is hard at times to even talk to her with the kids around because we are immediately distracted and get caught up in chores.

I think about the kids a TON because I grew up without a mother and with a father that had no interest in parenting. I want a stable life for them that is full of love and happiness, not with parents having to figure out "who gets them" this weekend.

I won't let myself get to the place I was yesterday again. The lack of eating, lack of sleep and ridiculous stress finally caught up with me and put me in the hospital. My blood pressure was 75/50 when my buddy wheeled me in because I couldn't walk. That isn't going to help anything.
You have a LONG WAY back to examine why you started drinking-back to your childhood. I bet you know that.
The alcohol dulls pain and you’ve been dulling a lot for a long time.
Your challenge is to move from what the alcohol has been telling you all this time...
“I didn’t have a Mom and my Dad wasn’t Father of the Year so I can have a drink cause I deserve it...well alcohol is a LIAR.
Your Dad wasn’t a great Dad cause there were some serious issues with him and your Mom and maybe he had a rough childhood too. Were your grandparents around? He didn’t know how to be a Father AND a Mother. So you can’t model him. You will need to create your own model. 😌
 

kcnole63

HR All-State
Jan 11, 2021
645
842
93
I think it’s fantastic that there are a lot of guys on here who are sharing their own life experiences and offering sincere encouragement. Seeing the best of HROT right now. ☺️

I’ve forgotten how old you are, how long you’re married, how old she is, first marriage, etc. but honestly I think there are SO many factors involved between two people that it’s just hard to overlay ONE pattern that two people should follow in a marriage now.
You love and marry someone who is a certain human but only on that date. You grow and change and so do they.
Meet in college maybe, date all the way through, get married right after graduation - and then you grow up together. (That was me - majorly clueless by the way)
No way are the two of you today who you were on that day - even ten years later. And you won’t stop changing.

When women withhold sex or “lose interest” they are SUPER PISSED and are often suppressing it. “You ass! Can’t you see what you’re doing? I’ve got these two little humans we made and ONE of us has to BE THERE for THEM. Not you, you’re a grownup too dammit so act like one. I’m exhausted after being THE grownup in this house and your drunk ass wants to climb on me and do what? Sooo sexy...and on top of all that, you got whiskey dick you effing clown”!

This could well be what she’s thinking. I’m only guessing because we only know your story and glimpses of her story as told by you.

I’m sharing this because of my own experience. My late husband struggled with alcohol for about a fifteen year stretch for many reasons but mostly including genetics until he got sober and stayed that way until his passing many years ago.
During that time we became two “islands” who stayed together but boy did we struggle. We weren’t the kids who were so drawn to each other at 19 anymore.

He became my best friend and soulmate and I’m so grateful we had six great years before he passed way too soon. Took some serious therapy and releasing of hurt and anger.

I could say a lot more about marriage and a man and a woman but just remember to think about that man who you are now, and ask her to think about who she is. Who’s changed? Both. What’s changed? Everything.
And do think of the kids. The little people who had no vote or say in having y’all for a Mom and Dad. We can all likely say they love y’all more than anyone can imagine.
DUDE hang in there. It’s hard work.
Great post, Goldmom. I agree that it has been nice to see so many posters share their personal stories. There has also been a lot of good advice from a number of posters. Pretty much all of us have (or have had) issues that we have had to overcome. I tend to go through periods where I drink more than I should until I get a not-so-gentle reminder from my wife that it is time to cut back. I cut way back several months ago and am determined to keep it that way this time. Reading some of the personal stories on HROT helps a lot. To Jasonrann, hang in there and best wishes. You have a lot of work ahead of you. I will be pulling for you and your wife to work things out.
 
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jasonrann

HR Legend
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You have a LONG WAY back to examine why you started drinking-back to your childhood. I bet you know that.
The alcohol dulls pain and you’ve been dulling a lot for a long time.
Your challenge is to move from what the alcohol has been telling you all this time...
“I didn’t have a Mom and my Dad wasn’t Father of the Year so I can have a drink cause I deserve it...well alcohol is a LIAR.
Your Dad wasn’t a great Dad cause there were some serious issues with him and your Mom and maybe he had a rough childhood too. Were your grandparents around? He didn’t know how to be a Father AND a Mother. So you can’t model him. You will need to create your own model. 😌
I didn't start drinking heavily until the past couple years. I am not blaming that on my childhood except to draw similarities of two situations where communication was nonexistent and resulting anger and frustration.
 

3boysmom

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Dec 21, 2001
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Several things are jumping out at me. 1) you seem to be trying to put conditions on doing the things that need to be done in order to save your marriage. That will backfire. This isn’t a time to try to bargain with her. Respect the boundaries she’s established and be thankful that she’s even willing to try. 2) contrary to the running joke, it’s not normal for women to lose interest in intimacy. Outside of hormonal issues, the most common complaint I hear from other women is carrying the mental load in the household. The keeper of the schedules, appointments, making plans. Resentment builds and problems surface. Especially when communication isn’t great.
I just really want you to be realistic in your expectations because I think that’s the best way to not throw yourself back in the bottle.
 

Bank of Hawk

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Feb 24, 2007
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After reading this, I am glad my no pic wife gets her feelings/anger out on me right away and doesn’t let it simmer and boil below the surface. We don’t see eye to eye on some things and some of that will never change.

After getting in some major and minor legal troubles as a 16-23 year old, I came to the conclusion that all of my problems were directly related to alcohol, which was true; at that time I toked occasionally, but I came to my second conclusion that Mary Jane was a better way to alter my brain than alcohol. I enjoy partaking in the reefer. The worst thing I’ve done stoned is I’ve lost multiple range finders and a few wedges on the golf course.

But my wife is against it, so I really have drawn that back for her and also for my health. If we are in a place where it is legal, then she doesn’t have a problem with it.

Last time I got in legal trouble was 13 years or so ago, I was maybe 26? Got a OWI. Hadn’t met my wife at the time. But I had to go the alcohol counseling that’s required and I still remember telling the counselor my true thoughts and she sternly said I needed to grow the fuk up. I still remember that. Still working on it though, haha. But I think that’s true for a lot of us.
 
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jasonrann

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Several things are jumping out at me. 1) you seem to be trying to put conditions on doing the things that need to be done in order to save your marriage. That will backfire. This isn’t a time to try to bargain with her. Respect the boundaries she’s established and be thankful that she’s even willing to try. 2) contrary to the running joke, it’s not normal for women to lose interest in intimacy. Outside of hormonal issues, the most common complaint I hear from other women is carrying the mental load in the household. The keeper of the schedules, appointments, making plans. Resentment builds and problems surface. Especially when communication isn’t great.
I just really want you to be realistic in your expectations because I think that’s the best way to not throw yourself back in the bottle.
Thanks for the input. If wanting communication is a "condition", then I really am fvcked. It's been a month and today was the first conversation about hard stuff. Needing space is one thing, being punitive and noncomminactive about it, is another.
 
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3boysmom

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Thanks for the input. If wanting communication is a "condition", then I really am fvcked. It's been a month and today was the first conversation about hard stuff. Needing space is one thing, being punitive and noncomminactive about it, is another.
Wanting communication isn’t a condition. Agreeing to counseling only if you can move home absolutely is. Even if you relented, it’s out there and it’s pressure. You very nearly left her alone with 2 small children to raise. Booze was more important than they were. I’m not trying to be harsh but it’s not unreasonable for someone to take some time to process that. To decide what they want. If they can get past it. Until she knows what she wants to do/can do there is really nothing to talk about.
 

TennNole17

HR Legend
Sep 18, 2003
31,408
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Just joining the thread in support of Jason. Cool poster, and I’m not.

I struggle with alcohol addiction, (my post history shows).
My only contribution, is everyone is different and every addiction is different, and there’s no “cure all”. However, support is universal for all of versions of addiction. I hope you find support and encouragement here.
 

SoDakHawk

HR Legend
Sep 14, 2006
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I get that she is pissed, I am also pissed about plenty. Seems a little bit unreasonable to expect me to stay out of the house indefinitely but at least we had the conversation. It's a start.
JR, I've stayed out of this thread and haven't offered advice because every situation is different and I don't feel I should be commenting on it but I have a few observations because I've just read enough.

First some background. Married my ex out of college and we have a son who is now 20. Great kid, proud of him.

We ended up divorced when he was 3. Won't go into it but I will say some of the things you mentioned about her being distant and lack of affection applies. I didn't have alcohol issues but I don't see that as a main factor in your current struggles, it goes deeper like it did for me.

Remarried years later and have the greatest wife in the world and two wonderful kids with her. I'm lucky. She's the best, and really opened my eyes to what a marriage should be. I not only love her I respect the hell out of her, even if she is crazy at times like all women can be, but that's just the difference between men and women. I just laugh it off and love her for who she is.

What I will say, for as much as I know about you from a message board, is that you seem like a really good guy. You've had some struggles with alcohol, but you shouldn't beat yourself up. You are taking steps to address that and are serious about it. Good for you. I hope you beat those issues and come out better for it.

Where I do have issues, I actually get a little pissed reading some of this stuff because I like you. Where I do have issues is that you have acknowledged your problems and are working to address them. You need support. Your wife should be supporting and helping you. I don't see how keeping you separated from your family, your wife and kids is a good thing. It's making it so much harder for you and the struggles and temptation to relapse from the pressure is high.

Marriage is a partnership. You should both be supporting each other. You need help and support and your wife should be there supporting you. Christ, your drinking caused heart issues. Then, even not drinking related you had more heart issues. Damn, she almost lost you yet she's keeping you away? I'm sorry, I don't agree with that.

Yes, you have things you need to work on. You are doing that. I just think she should be active and supportive with that instead of keeping you away and adding to your suffering.

Whatever happens your future happiness is up to you, whether your marriage fails or not you do have happiness in your future if you want it and work for it.

Wishing you all the best.

Ok, I just unloaded there like I said I shouldn't but, damn, this makes me upset.
 

Big Hawk D-Port

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Nov 29, 2004
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Wanting communication isn’t a condition. Agreeing to counseling only if you can move home absolutely is. Even if you relented, it’s out there and it’s pressure. You very nearly left her alone with 2 small children to raise. Booze was more important than they were. I’m not trying to be harsh but it’s not unreasonable for someone to take some time to process that. To decide what they want. If they can get past it. Until she knows what she wants to do/can do there is really nothing to talk about.
I’m going to jump in and give you more advice. Just what you need, obviously. 😀

If you are expecting her to come back to you out of some sense of obligation or duty to your kid, it will not happen. She has all the justification she needs to end it and not feel guilty. You have to become the kind of man that she is desirous of. Clearly that means done with the sauce, but also confident, healthy, sexy, generous, successful, funny …you get the idea. Pathetic, needy, sad, down on your luck is not going to get her to take you back.

The only person you can control is yourself. Not sure if you need to lose weight or not but that is an easy place to start and dedicate your mental energy. If you are not eating right it will affect your sleep and mental state in my experience.

Added bonus, if she doesn’t take you back you will be in prime position to get back on the market.
 
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Greenway4Prez

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Jan 10, 2005
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JR, I've stayed out of this thread and haven't offered advice because every situation is different and I don't feel I should be commenting on it but I have a few observations because I've just read enough.

First some background. Married my ex out of college and we have a son who is now 20. Great kid, proud of him.

We ended up divorced when he was 3. Won't go into it but I will say some of the things you mentioned about her being distant and lack of affection applies. I didn't have alcohol issues but I don't see that as a main factor in your current struggles, it goes deeper like it did for me.

Remarried years later and have the greatest wife in the world and two wonderful kids with her. I'm lucky. She's the best, and really opened my eyes to what a marriage should be. I not only love her I respect the hell out of her, even if she is crazy at times like all women can be, but that's just the difference between men and women. I just laugh it off and love her for who she is.

What I will say, for as much as I know about you from a message board, is that you seem like a really good guy. You've had some struggles with alcohol, but you shouldn't beat yourself up. You are taking steps to address that and are serious about it. Good for you. I hope you beat those issues and come out better for it.

Where I do have issues, I actually get a little pissed reading some of this stuff because I like you. Where I do have issues is that you have acknowledged your problems and are working to address them. You need support. Your wife should be supporting and helping you. I don't see how keeping you separated from your family, your wife and kids is a good thing. It's making it so much harder for you and the struggles and temptation to relapse from the pressure is high.

Marriage is a partnership. You should both be supporting each other. You need help and support and your wife should be there supporting you. Christ, your drinking caused heart issues. Then, even not drinking related you had more heart issues. Damn, she almost lost you yet she's keeping you away? I'm sorry, I don't agree with that.

Yes, you have things you need to work on. You are doing that. I just think she should be active and supportive with that instead of keeping you away and adding to your suffering.

Whatever happens your future happiness is up to you, whether your marriage fails or not you do have happiness in your future if you want it and work for it.

Wishing you all the best.

Ok, I just unloaded there like I said I shouldn't but, damn, this makes me upset.
Good post. I also don’t want to unload, but damn…there’s some things going on here that just ain’t right.
 

OutbackBowl2017

HR Heisman
Dec 4, 2016
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Good luck JR. I don’t have know all the details between you and your wife but you gotta get yourself right before you can focus on your wife, marriage, and children.

If it was me, I’d focus on me by going to the gym, eating healthy, losing weight while not wanting to drink. By doing this, you will get better mentally, emotionally, sleep better, feel better, and want to be the husband and father that she knows you can be.

Sounds like you should go get cut if you haven’t already done so. Your wife might be afraid to get prego again with a third child if you do do it, unless PIITB!

You gotta fix you before you can even think about your marriage and kids. She doesn’t trust you to be a father and husband when you do stupid shit like you did that almost killed you. She needs a partner in the marriage and raising the kids, not a third child.

It’s time for you to pull your bootstraps up and start acting like a 52 year old man, not a 21 year old dumbass worried about his next drunk hanging out with his buddies. You clean up and focus on being there for her and the kids when each opportunity presents itself with a happy, positive attitude and she will want you back in their lives because she doesn’t want to do it alone. You almost widowed her with two small child by drinking to excess. That was more important than your wife and kids and she is pissed off at you for that and putting her in the position of always being the one to take care of the kids. It’s time to grow up and be a husband to your wife and father to your children they all deserve and want.

Sorry to be so blunt but been there and done that when I was thirty with small children. I had to focus on being a father to my children and husband to my wife instead of hanging with the boys and drinking to excess every weekend. It’s not a sustainable way to have a happy marriage and family life. Good luck!! You can do it.
 
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goldmom

HR Legend
Mar 29, 2002
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If this is JR’s first marriage it was at a later than average age for most American males.
Fear of his ability to be successful in a marriage- to be a Dad or parent?
Remember he had no strong modeling to follow.
And the serious talking? He didn’t see his parents do that, either. His Mother was gone. Dad just withdrew.
We learn about marriage by watching our parents and whether or not it was a positive education we at least have a milepost of “yes I learned how to communicate” or “no I NEVER want a marriage like my parents” - JR has to make it up as he goes. And at 52 it’s a tough climb.
I think he knows he needs to shape the heck up regardless.
 
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BanjoSaysWoof

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Dec 2, 2017
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With my boozing. I just spent 5 days in the hospital after a big weekend run with my old college buddy. My heart went out of rhythm again and this time it was really bad. I haven't been that scared ever. I am out and sober, but wifey (no pic) is none too happy with me, justifiably so. I am staying with a good friend and going to daily meetings, but good thoughts would be appreciated. I know I am an a-hole, but I really feel like one now. I hope to be back with the family in a week or so.

God bless.

I don’t know you from a shovel, but anyone saying “I messed up, I hurt people, I genuinely have remorse” is probably not an asshole. Just a person who made mistakes. You’re not alone in that regard.

you spend more time with yourself than you do anyone else on the planet. Be nice to yourself. The words you choose matter.

I don’t know you but I’m proud of you and pulling for you.
 
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TylerJ76

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Jun 11, 2021
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This thread feels like it’s taking a turn to blaming the wife and not accepting the consequences of your actions.

If I am remembering correctly she wanted you to stop drinking awhile ago right?

You went out of town and drank so much you ended up in the hospital.

You betrayed her trust, and that is not something to be taking lightly.

You’re making the mistake we all do, you’re wanting to fix everything at once, when you should be focusing on your sobriety and mental health alone.

Maybe the marriage will work.
Maybe it won’t.

But if you work hard, you will have your sobriety, no matter what and that’s priceless.

I lost everything because of my drinking.

Fiancé.
Job.
Home.
So much money.
Friends.
Family.
Trust from everyone.

8 years later I have gotten some of that back, but it wouldn’t be possible without my sobriety.

Rooting for you.
 

jasonrann

HR Legend
Gold Member
Apr 11, 2007
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I’m going to jump in and give you more advice. Just what you need, obviously. 😀

If you are expecting her to come back to you out of some sense of obligation or duty to your kid, it will not happen. She has all the justification she needs to end it and not feel guilty. You have to become the kind of man that she is desirous of. Clearly that means done with the sauce, but also confident, healthy, sexy, generous, successful, funny …you get the idea. Pathetic, needy, sad, down on your luck is not going to get her to take you back.

The only person you can control is yourself. Not sure if you need to lose weight or not but that is an easy place to start and dedicate your mental energy. If you are not eating right it will affect your sleep and mental state in my experience.

Added bonus, if she doesn’t take you back you will be in prime position to get back on the market.
I must not be making myself clear on this subject. I am NOT expecting her to come back to me out of ANY sense of obligation, whether it be to me or the kids. What I do expect is to be able to discuss our issues constructively. I found out yesterday she is willing to do that because if she wasn't, it's time to move on.
 

jasonrann

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Apr 11, 2007
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JR, I've stayed out of this thread and haven't offered advice because every situation is different and I don't feel I should be commenting on it but I have a few observations because I've just read enough.

First some background. Married my ex out of college and we have a son who is now 20. Great kid, proud of him.

We ended up divorced when he was 3. Won't go into it but I will say some of the things you mentioned about her being distant and lack of affection applies. I didn't have alcohol issues but I don't see that as a main factor in your current struggles, it goes deeper like it did for me.

Remarried years later and have the greatest wife in the world and two wonderful kids with her. I'm lucky. She's the best, and really opened my eyes to what a marriage should be. I not only love her I respect the hell out of her, even if she is crazy at times like all women can be, but that's just the difference between men and women. I just laugh it off and love her for who she is.

What I will say, for as much as I know about you from a message board, is that you seem like a really good guy. You've had some struggles with alcohol, but you shouldn't beat yourself up. You are taking steps to address that and are serious about it. Good for you. I hope you beat those issues and come out better for it.

Where I do have issues, I actually get a little pissed reading some of this stuff because I like you. Where I do have issues is that you have acknowledged your problems and are working to address them. You need support. Your wife should be supporting and helping you. I don't see how keeping you separated from your family, your wife and kids is a good thing. It's making it so much harder for you and the struggles and temptation to relapse from the pressure is high.

Marriage is a partnership. You should both be supporting each other. You need help and support and your wife should be there supporting you. Christ, your drinking caused heart issues. Then, even not drinking related you had more heart issues. Damn, she almost lost you yet she's keeping you away? I'm sorry, I don't agree with that.

Yes, you have things you need to work on. You are doing that. I just think she should be active and supportive with that instead of keeping you away and adding to your suffering.

Whatever happens your future happiness is up to you, whether your marriage fails or not you do have happiness in your future if you want it and work for it.

Wishing you all the best.

Ok, I just unloaded there like I said I shouldn't but, damn, this makes me upset.
Thank you, man. I appreciate your perspective. This helps me a lot as do all of the other posts in this thread. I am going to make a few more changes that will help my mental state. The doctors changed my medication pretty significantly so hopefully that will prevent further hospital visits.
 
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goldmom

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Seriously dude I really hope things work out for you - and your wife. And the KIDS. 😘. I’d give you a big hug if I could.
 
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jasonrann

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Apr 11, 2007
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This thread feels like it’s taking a turn to blaming the wife and not accepting the consequences of your actions.

If I am remembering correctly she wanted you to stop drinking awhile ago right?

You went out of town and drank so much you ended up in the hospital.

You betrayed her trust, and that is not something to be taking lightly.

You’re making the mistake we all do, you’re wanting to fix everything at once, when you should be focusing on your sobriety and mental health alone.

Maybe the marriage will work.
Maybe it won’t.

But if you work hard, you will have your sobriety, no matter what and that’s priceless.

I lost everything because of my drinking.

Fiancé.
Job.
Home.
So much money.
Friends.
Family.
Trust from everyone.

8 years later I have gotten some of that back, but it wouldn’t be possible without my sobriety.

Rooting for you.
That's not the way I am taking it. I have admitted my shortcomings and am making pretty significant changes. Our marriage is a bit more complicated than hubby is a drunk a-hole so he needs to be out of the house.
 

goldmom

HR Legend
Mar 29, 2002
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This thread feels like it’s taking a turn to blaming the wife and not accepting the consequences of your actions.

If I am remembering correctly she wanted you to stop drinking awhile ago right?

You went out of town and drank so much you ended up in the hospital.

You betrayed her trust, and that is not something to be taking lightly.

You’re making the mistake we all do, you’re wanting to fix everything at once, when you should be focusing on your sobriety and mental health alone.

Maybe the marriage will work.
Maybe it won’t.

But if you work hard, you will have your sobriety, no matter what and that’s priceless.

I lost everything because of my drinking.

Fiancé.
Job.
Home.
So much money.
Friends.
Family.
Trust from everyone.

8 years later I have gotten some of that back, but it wouldn’t be possible without my sobriety.

Rooting for you.


Biggest liar on the planet = ALCOHOL.
 

HawkOptimist

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Jan 5, 2006
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That's not the way I am taking it. I have admitted my shortcomings and am making pretty significant changes. Our marriage is a bit more complicated than hubby is a drunk a-hole so he needs to be out of the house.

I’m curious … and maybe you’ve already addressed it … but other than a lack of intimacy (which her resentment of you for your drinking is likely the reason), what are some of the other issues damaging your marriage? If you took the alcohol completely out of the equation, would you say your marriage was a good one?
 

jasonrann

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Apr 11, 2007
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I’m curious … and maybe you’ve already addressed it … but other than a lack of intimacy (which her resentment of you for your drinking is likely the reason), what are some of the other issues damaging your marriage? If you took the alcohol completely out of the equation, would you say your marriage was a good one?
This is a very good question. Taking alcohol completely out of the equation, a few things:

1. Communication. When we had our first child six years ago, we quit talking. Our lives were focused on our daughter, daily routine, schedules, etc. We were tired, we were cranky, we were in a dazed zone of daily life. When our son was born a year ago, it only got worse. Talking around the kids was even harder. I'm not talking about the weather or daily schedules or whatever, I'm talking about things between us that could keep us close and connected. Even if we weren't having the secks, we would know we were in love and still on the same page. Frustration and resentment grew in both of us.

2. Parenting style. She is WAY more patient than I am when it comes to the kids. With the daughter, if I have to tell her something five times, I get pissed and raise my voice, at times. Wife can remain calm and try to talk through it with her. That has just never been my experience. My dad could look at us if we were jacking around and that was all it would take.

3. Parenting style #2. Her family has always made a parade out of birthdays and Christmas. When there is a birthday, there are no less than 25 family members present. The ensuing haul of presents and shite is ridiculous to me. Christmas is the same way. Our house is essentially a storage locker of toys that NEVER get used. Most recently, a trampoline and play set out back. All she wants is her tablet. When I hear the words "I'm bored", it makes me want to jump off a bridge. The whole concept is insane to me and always has been. Just a waste. I'm glad I put my foot down when she wanted to buy a bigger house.

4. Overall pace of life. She told me yesterday that all I want to do during the week is "wind down" when I get home from work rather than do things with the kids. This is something that we'll have to work on because by the time I get home at 5:30 - 6:00, we do dinner, clean up and have bath time, it is pretty much time for books and bedtime. Our son goes to bed at 8:00, daughter at 8:30. That said, I could be MUCH more involved with getting the kids to school/day care, picking up and the daily load that the wife currently carries. I could also do more with the kids on the weekends instead of getting wrapped up in other things around the house. I do get a little chippy about this because she works at home in her own business and has a lot more flexibility than I do.

5. We never got our kids used to sleeping in their beds. That was mainly my fault because if they started crying or got upset, it took me right back to childhood trying to console my two year old brother (I was five) when our mom wasn't around. I never got over it. Therefore, our daughter always slept with us. Before I left the house, our son slept with the wife and he nurses during the night. I sleep with our daughter who is still scared to sleep alone. This definitely didn't help us in the intimacy department, but we rolled with it to keep things "calm".

I'm sure there are other things, but these are things we hit on yesterday.
 
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Moral

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This is a very good question. Taking alcohol completely out of the equation, a few things:

1. Communication. When we had our first child six years ago, we quit talking. Our lives were focused on our daughter, daily routine, schedules, etc. We were tired, we were cranky, we were in a dazed zone of daily life. When our son was born a year ago, it only got worse. Talking around the kids was even harder. I'm not talking about the weather or daily schedules or whatever, I'm talking about things between us that could keep us close and connected. Even if we weren't having the secks, we would know we were in love and still on the same page. Frustration and resentment grew in both of us.

2. Parenting style. She is WAY more patient than I am when it comes to the kids. With the daughter, if I have to tell her something five times, I get pissed and raise my voice, at times. Wife can remain calm and try to talk through it with her. That has just never been my experience. My dad could look at us if we were jacking around and that was all it would take.

3. Parenting style #2. Her family has always made a parade out of birthdays and Christmas. When there is a birthday, there are no less than 25 family members present. The ensuing haul of presents and shite is ridiculous to me. Christmas is the same way. Our house is essentially a storage locker of toys that NEVER get used. Most recently, a trampoline and play set out back. All she wants is her tablet. When I hear the words "I'm bored", it makes me want to jump off a bridge. The whole concept is insane to me and always has been. Just a waste. I'm glad I put my foot down when she wanted to buy a bigger house.

4. Overall pace of life. She told me yesterday that all I want to do during the week is "wind down" when I get home from work rather than do things with the kids. This is something that we'll have to work on because by the time I get home at 5:30 - 6:00, we do dinner, clean up and have bath time, it is pretty much time for books and bedtime. Our son goes to bed at 8:00, daughter at 8:30. That said, I could be MUCH more involved with getting the kids to school/day care, picking up and the daily load that the wife currently carries. I could also do more with the kids on the weekends instead of getting wrapped up in other things around the house. I do get a little chippy about this because she works at home in her own business and has a lot more flexibility than I do.

5. We never got our kids used to sleeping in their beds. That was mainly my fault because if they started crying or got upset, it took me right back to childhood trying to console my two year old brother (I was five) when our mom wasn't around. I never got over it. Therefore, our daughter always slept with us. Before I left the house, our son slept with the wife and he nurses during the night. I sleep with our daughter who is still scared to sleep alone. This definitely didn't help us in the intimacy department, but we rolled with it to keep things "calm".

I'm sure there are other things, but these are things we hit on yesterday.

Oh lord you unlocked a memory for me. My step sister that the sleeping alone issue when she was young. It took my dad and former step mom a while to sort that issue out. The step sister had a lot more issues than afraid of sleeping alone though. Some nights I would wake up (I was 13ish she was 5ish) and she would just be standing in my bedroom doorway not moving. The first time it happened I didnt realize she was sleep walking and I woke her up to go back to her room in the process and she just threw a fit. One of the later times she was standing in my doorway when I woke up she said "somebody killed the cat" and walked off.

That kid was creeeeeepppyyy.
 

goldmom

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Yeah lots of stuff going on at the Rann Residence.
A five year old can handle being told “that’s enough of that young lady now stop” and maybe Mrs. R needs to understand that. The teacher won’t like it if she’s not conditioned at home to follow the rules. You have divergent views on managing behavior but since you have communication issues you haven’t discussed it. Another thing on that white board.
Sleeping with parents is so bad for kids and a healthy marriage. Wife needs to wean the baby too. That is affecting her hormones and her sexual appetites. (Part of nature’s birth control)
Your little bro who slept with you is a WHOLE different ball of wax. Understandable in that situation but he wasn’t your own child.
That’s part of what I said about you needing to go way back to your own childhood and resolve some issues you aren’t even aware of that are affecting you now. With limited parent modeling you’re grabbing on to the very limited experience you do have. Maybe let that one go.
 

bdg8

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NoleATL

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You're going to find out pretty fast who your friends are, and don't feel bad about excluding those that aren't and that will negatively impact your goals
Been a while since I popped into this thread. What is the best way a friend should be/interact/etc with someone who has a drinking problem and wants to get better... has setbacks... the whole spectrum?
 
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Moral

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Been a while since I popped into this thread. What is the best way a friend should be/interact/etc with someone who has a drinking problem and wants to get better... has setbacks... the whole spectrum?

Interesting question. I wanted the boys to go thrifting and antiquing with me but none of them would.
 

BanjoSaysWoof

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Interesting question. I wanted the boys to go thrifting and antiquing with me but none of them would.
Start by doing the things you’d normally do, just without alcohol.

example: if Sunday’s are usually spent with pizza beer and wings at someone’s house. Do it without the beer and don’t acknowledge it like a big deal.

normalize not drinking in the things alcohol used to be a part of.
 

3boysmom

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Yeah lots of stuff going on at the Rann Residence.
A five year old can handle being told “that’s enough of that young lady now stop” and maybe Mrs. R needs to understand that. The teacher won’t like it if she’s not conditioned at home to follow the rules. You have divergent views on managing behavior but since you have communication issues you haven’t discussed it. Another thing on that white board.
Sleeping with parents is so bad for kids and a healthy marriage. Wife needs to wean the baby too. That is affecting her hormones and her sexual appetites. (Part of nature’s birth control)
Your little bro who slept with you is a WHOLE different ball of wax. Understandable in that situation but he wasn’t your own child.
That’s part of what I said about you needing to go way back to your own childhood and resolve some issues you aren’t even aware of that are affecting you now. With limited parent modeling you’re grabbing on to the very limited experience you do have. Maybe let that one go.
Hopefully they can get a lot of it ironed out in counseling. And thank you JR for being honest in here. I’m sure it’s not easy to admit your shortcomings but it’s helpful and important for you to recognize. Your description sounds like you were basically one more person for her to manage. You didn’t agree on parenting so that was just one more disruption for her. The good news is that if the drinking is really over and you are both willing to take the counseling sessions seriously it’s very fixable.
 

HawkMachine

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You need support. Your wife should be supporting and helping you. I don't see how keeping you separated from your family, your wife and kids is a good thing. It's making it so much harder for you and the struggles and temptation to relapse from the pressure is high.

Marriage is a partnership. You should both be supporting each other. You need help and support and your wife should be there supporting you. Christ, your drinking caused heart issues. Then, even not drinking related you had more heart issues. Damn, she almost lost you yet she's keeping you away? I'm sorry, I don't agree with that.

Yes, you have things you need to work on. You are doing that. I just think she should be active and supportive with that instead of keeping you away and adding to your suffering.

I agree.

I seriously question the wife here and her lack of support.

OP, I don’t think anyone has asked, but why is your wife withholding sex?

Have you cheated on her? Has she cheated on you? Is she not attracted to you anymore? Has pregnancy changed her body and she doesn’t feel sexy anymore? Are you mean to her? Tough questions but SOMETHING is going on here for any of this to make sens.

Does she have depression or anything?
 
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HawkinK.C.1

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I don't know you so this isn't meant to be any kind of a shot. You seem like a nice guy by all accounts. Im really just chiming in because things seem to be turning against your wife a bit.
My advice is.......go easy on her. She's been raising young kids with a partner that's a drunk. Doesn't sound that great, to be honest, for her or the kids. I understand that you think your relationship has other issues that need to be worked on but they won't be fixed until your drinking is fixed. Concentrate on two things for tomorrow... 1) Don't drink and 2)make the day as easy as possible for your wife and you kids . Then repeat. It's easy to understand why she might not be wanting to confide in you or to be intimate. She probably is worried sick about the kids future. A rational person might imagine their kids growing up with a Dad that's drunk all the time . Good mothers don't really want that. That's the future you've forced her to stare into. Show her that her life is not going down that path. SHOW her. Words aren't enough. You can work out any remaing issues once your drinking is fixed. Some of your other relationship issues may resolve along with the drinking.
My respect to you for staring your addiction in the eye, confronting it, and taking action. My advanced respect to you for changing the course of the future for your two kids and wife. And for yourself.
 

Moral

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Start by doing the things you’d normally do, just without alcohol.

example: if Sunday’s are usually spent with pizza beer and wings at someone’s house. Do it without the beer and don’t acknowledge it like a big deal.

normalize not drinking in the things alcohol used to be a part of.

Wanna go thrifting?
 

Twoooooooo

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Once you figure out the sobriety issue (which will be tough and well worth it for you). You need to learn to make your wife the number one priority. Before the kids she comes first in your family. In my own personal experience I have always made my wife come first. Raising a family can be tough! Having both parents on the same page and happy with each other makes it way easier. All 3 of my girls know, that our relationship comes first. Look, if the two in charge are not in a good spot with each other, how do you ever think a solid family can work? Ive wanted my girls to always see that I love my wife. Helping her out,giving her compliments, being there for support, having alone time/date nights. I have always been that way. I’ve done that with the hope that eventually when my daughters find a man they want to be with, they are looking for the one, “like the way dad treats our mom” I wish you luck brother!
 
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3boysmom

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I agree.

I seriously question the wife here and her lack of support.

OP, I don’t think anyone has asked, but why is your wife withholding sex?

Have you cheated on her? Has she cheated on you? Is she not attracted to you anymore? Has pregnancy changed her body and she doesn’t feel sexy anymore? Are you mean to her? Tough questions but SOMETHING is going on here for any of this to make sens.

Does she have depression or anything?
There is nothing his wife can do to make him stop drinking. She can’t love him into quitting. She can’t screw him into quitting. She can’t threaten him into quitting. She’s already carried the entire load for the family and he still drank. Even after promising to quit. She isn’t to blame. At what point does support become enabling? By his own account he’s been a poor partner and co-parent. That’s fixable along with their communication issues once he’s been sober for a while. But there is nothing she can do to make that happen and quite frankly he’d just be one more thing she has to take care of. It’s completely unfair to put this on her.