Hey all, the shite finally hit the fan.

TennNole17

HR Legend
Sep 18, 2003
31,402
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This is a very good question. Taking alcohol completely out of the equation, a few things:

1. Communication. When we had our first child six years ago, we quit talking. Our lives were focused on our daughter, daily routine, schedules, etc. We were tired, we were cranky, we were in a dazed zone of daily life. When our son was born a year ago, it only got worse. Talking around the kids was even harder. I'm not talking about the weather or daily schedules or whatever, I'm talking about things between us that could keep us close and connected. Even if we weren't having the secks, we would know we were in love and still on the same page. Frustration and resentment grew in both of us.

2. Parenting style. She is WAY more patient than I am when it comes to the kids. With the daughter, if I have to tell her something five times, I get pissed and raise my voice, at times. Wife can remain calm and try to talk through it with her. That has just never been my experience. My dad could look at us if we were jacking around and that was all it would take.

3. Parenting style #2. Her family has always made a parade out of birthdays and Christmas. When there is a birthday, there are no less than 25 family members present. The ensuing haul of presents and shite is ridiculous to me. Christmas is the same way. Our house is essentially a storage locker of toys that NEVER get used. Most recently, a trampoline and play set out back. All she wants is her tablet. When I hear the words "I'm bored", it makes me want to jump off a bridge. The whole concept is insane to me and always has been. Just a waste. I'm glad I put my foot down when she wanted to buy a bigger house.

4. Overall pace of life. She told me yesterday that all I want to do during the week is "wind down" when I get home from work rather than do things with the kids. This is something that we'll have to work on because by the time I get home at 5:30 - 6:00, we do dinner, clean up and have bath time, it is pretty much time for books and bedtime. Our son goes to bed at 8:00, daughter at 8:30. That said, I could be MUCH more involved with getting the kids to school/day care, picking up and the daily load that the wife currently carries. I could also do more with the kids on the weekends instead of getting wrapped up in other things around the house. I do get a little chippy about this because she works at home in her own business and has a lot more flexibility than I do.

5. We never got our kids used to sleeping in their beds. That was mainly my fault because if they started crying or got upset, it took me right back to childhood trying to console my two year old brother (I was five) when our mom wasn't around. I never got over it. Therefore, our daughter always slept with us. Before I left the house, our son slept with the wife and he nurses during the night. I sleep with our daughter who is still scared to sleep alone. This definitely didn't help us in the intimacy department, but we rolled with it to keep things "calm".

I'm sure there are other things, but these are things we hit on yesterday.
I’m just gonna be “that guy”- that’s marriage and kids man. If your thing is communication- I suggest you guys go to therapy. Not for the therapist- though they help - but it’s a blocked off time each week without kids where you guys talk to each other. Parenting styles is a huge rock to crash against, y’all gotta align or at least recognize each other’s styles.
Rooting for you.
 

Derekd3408

HR Legend
Gold Member
Feb 10, 2011
16,441
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Hoping the best for you, brother. I've had some similar struggles the last few years. Find your happiness, that's the only thing that will get you through.
 
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TylerJ76

HR MVP
Jun 11, 2021
2,351
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There is nothing his wife can do to make him stop drinking. She can’t love him into quitting. She can’t screw him into quitting. She can’t threaten him into quitting. She’s already carried the entire load for the family and he still drank. Even after promising to quit. She isn’t to blame. At what point does support become enabling? By his own account he’s been a poor partner and co-parent. That’s fixable along with their communication issues once he’s been sober for a while. But there is nothing she can do to make that happen and quite frankly he’d just be one more thing she has to take care of. It’s completely unfair to put this on her.

Very well said.

Jason has to fix himself and let the rest of the pieces fall where they will.

He’s got himself and kids to do this for, not quite sure why the focus has turned to her.
 

Tenacious E

HR Legend
Gold Member
Dec 4, 2001
31,975
33,728
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This is a very good question. Taking alcohol completely out of the equation, a few things:

1. Communication. When we had our first child six years ago, we quit talking. Our lives were focused on our daughter, daily routine, schedules, etc. We were tired, we were cranky, we were in a dazed zone of daily life. When our son was born a year ago, it only got worse. Talking around the kids was even harder. I'm not talking about the weather or daily schedules or whatever, I'm talking about things between us that could keep us close and connected. Even if we weren't having the secks, we would know we were in love and still on the same page. Frustration and resentment grew in both of us.

2. Parenting style. She is WAY more patient than I am when it comes to the kids. With the daughter, if I have to tell her something five times, I get pissed and raise my voice, at times. Wife can remain calm and try to talk through it with her. That has just never been my experience. My dad could look at us if we were jacking around and that was all it would take.

3. Parenting style #2. Her family has always made a parade out of birthdays and Christmas. When there is a birthday, there are no less than 25 family members present. The ensuing haul of presents and shite is ridiculous to me. Christmas is the same way. Our house is essentially a storage locker of toys that NEVER get used. Most recently, a trampoline and play set out back. All she wants is her tablet. When I hear the words "I'm bored", it makes me want to jump off a bridge. The whole concept is insane to me and always has been. Just a waste. I'm glad I put my foot down when she wanted to buy a bigger house.

4. Overall pace of life. She told me yesterday that all I want to do during the week is "wind down" when I get home from work rather than do things with the kids. This is something that we'll have to work on because by the time I get home at 5:30 - 6:00, we do dinner, clean up and have bath time, it is pretty much time for books and bedtime. Our son goes to bed at 8:00, daughter at 8:30. That said, I could be MUCH more involved with getting the kids to school/day care, picking up and the daily load that the wife currently carries. I could also do more with the kids on the weekends instead of getting wrapped up in other things around the house. I do get a little chippy about this because she works at home in her own business and has a lot more flexibility than I do.

5. We never got our kids used to sleeping in their beds. That was mainly my fault because if they started crying or got upset, it took me right back to childhood trying to console my two year old brother (I was five) when our mom wasn't around. I never got over it. Therefore, our daughter always slept with us. Before I left the house, our son slept with the wife and he nurses during the night. I sleep with our daughter who is still scared to sleep alone. This definitely didn't help us in the intimacy department, but we rolled with it to keep things "calm".

I'm sure there are other things, but these are things we hit on yesterday.
With regard to paragraph 4, that will self correct once your kids get older. There was a 7-year run where I was at or helping run so many practices and games after work it was a bit overwhelming. I usually succumbed to the pleading for volunteers to coach or be an assistant, and I wish I could get those days back.
 

HawkMachine

HR All-American
Jul 6, 2020
2,562
3,995
113
IOWA
There is nothing his wife can do to make him stop drinking. She can’t love him into quitting. She can’t screw him into quitting. She can’t threaten him into quitting. She’s already carried the entire load for the family and he still drank. Even after promising to quit. She isn’t to blame. At what point does support become enabling? By his own account he’s been a poor partner and co-parent. That’s fixable along with their communication issues once he’s been sober for a while. But there is nothing she can do to make that happen and quite frankly he’d just be one more thing she has to take care of. It’s completely unfair to put this on her.
You are assuming the drinking is the number one problem. Their problems started BEFORE his drinking.
 

jasonrann

HR Legend
Gold Member
Apr 11, 2007
20,518
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I agree.

I seriously question the wife here and her lack of support.

OP, I don’t think anyone has asked, but why is your wife withholding sex?

Have you cheated on her? Has she cheated on you? Is she not attracted to you anymore? Has pregnancy changed her body and she doesn’t feel sexy anymore? Are you mean to her? Tough questions but SOMETHING is going on here for any of this to make sens.

Does she have depression or anything?
She is pissed at me, that is the bottom line. Ironically, I am just as pissed at her. That has gone on between the two of us since our daughter was born six years ago. Sadly, we don't communicate for shite. She has no attraction or interest in being with "a drunk". There has been no cheating or any change for her related to pregnancy that I am aware of. She has a little bit of anxiety, but no depression.
 

jasonrann

HR Legend
Gold Member
Apr 11, 2007
20,518
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Some positive news for you all. One VERY positive outcome from my recent hospital stay was a change in my medication. I am on a more aggressive blood pressure medication and a new item to help keep my heart in a regular rhythm along with a blood thinner. I got out of the hospital Friday and cannot believe how much better I already feel. I start back to the gym/pool today also.

The wife, kids and I went out for breakfast yesterday so it was great to hang out. I will continue to see them several times/week while we get our therapy stuff sorted out. While I still ride a wave of emotions each day with the uncertainty, I now know that if I am not ok physically, nothing else is going to happen.

Again, my thanks to all!
 

yescyam

HR MVP
May 29, 2001
2,466
3,640
113
Again, where are the pics of the hot nurses who were givin' ya sponge baths ??? That's how it all started in all the movies I've watched !! Have you not learned a single thing in all the years you've been here???
 
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jasonrann

HR Legend
Gold Member
Apr 11, 2007
20,518
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Again, where are the pics of the hot nurses who were givin' ya sponge baths ??? That's how it all started in all the movies I've watched !! Have you not learned a single thing in all the years you've been here???
Totally my bad, dude. I should have taken pictures during my stay a month ago because every nurse looked like a Halloween sluut, the only thing that made the stay manageable. This time, I had a dude, a lesbian and an old fart. Sorry to disappoint.
 
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jasonrann

HR Legend
Gold Member
Apr 11, 2007
20,518
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Well this is what I was hoping to hear.

I was actually going to suggest, if possible, to get the family together and focus on just having FUN together.
Exactly what I am going to do. I am carving out hours each weekend for us all to do something. The wife and I are making lunch and dinner plans, just the two of us. In the meantime, I stop by during the week to just see them, but when I am there, I make sure all dishes are done, the trash is out, the recycling is out and I pick up around the house. I also told the wife that I can help with Target/grocery store runs, etc., anything to reduce the burden on her. I can tell she is tired.
 

HawkMachine

HR All-American
Jul 6, 2020
2,562
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IOWA
Exactly what I am going to do. I am carving out hours each weekend for us all to do something. The wife and I are making lunch and dinner plans, just the two of us. In the meantime, I stop by during the week to just see them, but when I am there, I make sure all dishes are done, the trash is out, the recycling is out and I pick up around the house. I also told the wife that I can help with Target/grocery store runs, etc., anything to reduce the burden on her. I can tell she is tired.

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Sweep this woman off her feet. Do the things you did when you first met.

Ya might even get laid. :)
 

JWolf74

HR Legend
Jan 22, 2012
16,051
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DSM
My heart was in AFib. When that happens, as you know, the heart is out of it's normal rhythm. Stroke risk goes up because clots can form more easily.

I went through cardioversion and took the paddles yesterday and got it shocked back into normal rhythm. I did a two hour session today and did a stress test and had multiple scans to review the structure. I nailed the stress test despite my condition yesterday. My cardiologist said my heart is very healthy and strong with no structural issues, just have to keep it in rhythm. My medication has been changed to include a blood thinner, BP treatment and something to help keep it in rhythm. I need to manage stress, caffeine and alcohol.
If it's amiodarone, watch out for the smurf skin.
 

3boysmom

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Gold Member
Dec 21, 2001
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Omaha, NE
www.chooseyouradventuretravels.com
Got out of the hospital on Friday afternoon. I came into the office on Saturday and worked at home yesterday to catch up. I'm back in the office today. All good! It keeps my mind occupied at least.
Did you change jobs recently? Am I remembering correctly that your job was an issue for you as well? If so, that will hopefully help as well.
 
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jasonrann

HR Legend
Gold Member
Apr 11, 2007
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Did you change jobs recently? Am I remembering correctly that your job was an issue for you as well? If so, that will hopefully help as well.
Yes, started the new gig in early June and it's a good thing. I have been in the hospital six days since then and they're not making me use PTO. All they say is to get better and don't overdo it.
Prior job was the exact opposite. I am definitely thankful for that!
 

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