- Sep 13, 2002
- 94,038
- 190,190
- 113
Is this lady's complaint accurate?
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a straight woman in her mid-30s who recently reentered the dating scene after leaving a 12-year marriage that I (obviously) entered into quite young. I took some time off from sex and dating after my divorce before deciding I wanted to try to get back into the swing of things and just have some fun. My question has to do with the fact that at some point during the long period while I was “off the market,” I seem to have missed the thing where butt play and anal have become an expected part of heterosexual hookups.
With three separate guys—none of whom I met on apps, where I now understand some of this stuff gets negotiated in advance—one flipped me over to eat and finger my ass and busted out a plug, at which point I shut that down. One kept asking whether I wanted anal and sulked and finished quickly when I said no. And the third “accidentally” rammed his dick ALL the way up my ass—he did apologize, but I’ve never had that happen before, and have my doubts about how “accidental” it was.
Honestly, I kind of like being rimmed, but it’s not something I’m comfortable with if I don’t know my partner well. And while I can tolerate anal penetration for a time, I’ve never liked it—the most I’ve ever gotten out of it sexually is finding my partner’s excitement and pleasure hot. I hate the amount of prep it takes for me to feel clean, and at best, if it’s not actively painful, it’s just … really uncomfortable. For some reason anal also tends to leave me feeling vaguely extra objectified or bad about myself. I’m not sure why. Maybe just the vibe that my mouth and pussy aren’t “good enough.”
I’m definitely not trying to shame anybody for what they’re into in bed. And I recognize that I might just have had a consecutive string of bad luck on this front. But I admit to a high degree of, I guess, culture shock here—and it’s something my few single girlfriends have encountered as well, although not as consistently as I have. I’m literally three for three. So I guess my questions are: How and when did straight dudes start expecting this during an initial, casual encounter, if in fact they do? By being clear that I want to keep things casual, am I somehow signaling that I’m up for everything? And at what point can I address it tactfully going forward—before we even meet up? When it’s clear that we’re going to ****? If and when a dude makes a move in that general direction while things are already underway?
—Butt Out
FULL ARTICLE WITH COLUMNIST'S ANSWER:
slate.com
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a straight woman in her mid-30s who recently reentered the dating scene after leaving a 12-year marriage that I (obviously) entered into quite young. I took some time off from sex and dating after my divorce before deciding I wanted to try to get back into the swing of things and just have some fun. My question has to do with the fact that at some point during the long period while I was “off the market,” I seem to have missed the thing where butt play and anal have become an expected part of heterosexual hookups.
With three separate guys—none of whom I met on apps, where I now understand some of this stuff gets negotiated in advance—one flipped me over to eat and finger my ass and busted out a plug, at which point I shut that down. One kept asking whether I wanted anal and sulked and finished quickly when I said no. And the third “accidentally” rammed his dick ALL the way up my ass—he did apologize, but I’ve never had that happen before, and have my doubts about how “accidental” it was.
Honestly, I kind of like being rimmed, but it’s not something I’m comfortable with if I don’t know my partner well. And while I can tolerate anal penetration for a time, I’ve never liked it—the most I’ve ever gotten out of it sexually is finding my partner’s excitement and pleasure hot. I hate the amount of prep it takes for me to feel clean, and at best, if it’s not actively painful, it’s just … really uncomfortable. For some reason anal also tends to leave me feeling vaguely extra objectified or bad about myself. I’m not sure why. Maybe just the vibe that my mouth and pussy aren’t “good enough.”
I’m definitely not trying to shame anybody for what they’re into in bed. And I recognize that I might just have had a consecutive string of bad luck on this front. But I admit to a high degree of, I guess, culture shock here—and it’s something my few single girlfriends have encountered as well, although not as consistently as I have. I’m literally three for three. So I guess my questions are: How and when did straight dudes start expecting this during an initial, casual encounter, if in fact they do? By being clear that I want to keep things casual, am I somehow signaling that I’m up for everything? And at what point can I address it tactfully going forward—before we even meet up? When it’s clear that we’re going to ****? If and when a dude makes a move in that general direction while things are already underway?
—Butt Out
FULL ARTICLE WITH COLUMNIST'S ANSWER:
I’m Single for the First Time in Years. When Did Men Add This New “Normal” Part of Sex?
I have some questions.
