- Sep 13, 2002
- 93,893
- 189,700
- 113
I Bought My Wife a Nice Surprise for the Bedroom. She Was … Not Interested.
I feel guilty about it.
ADVICE BY JESSICA STOYANOV 30, 20223:15 PM
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m an early 40s cis male, happily married for 12.5 years to my lovely and wonderful wife. I enjoy masturbating using women’s panties. I do not wear women’s undergarments at all—I simply enjoy the feeling of the material on my nether regions or seeing women wearing them.
I’ve tried, unsuccessfully, to share my sexual fetish with my wife. In my ideal world, she would wear matching silky panties and bras when she was interested in sex or foreplay and use the garments to encourage my arousal. I understand that silky underwear isn’t very practical on a daily basis nor do I expect her to wear it regularly. But I would do anything for her to leverage this to enhance our sex life. It has gone so far that I have my own set of 20-plus pairs of women’s panties I use exclusively for masturbation. I originally purchased them for my wife; however, she doesn’t like the artificial material or comfort of silk/satin so they’ve just become mine. I feel guilty when seeing them in the laundry given they’re a symbol of the number of times I have masturbated during the past week.
For my wife, it’s as if sex to her is being naked, some foreplay, intercourse, and done. I would enjoy more foreplay in lingerie. If I really push, she will wear the underwear I want, but I feel like it is making her uncomfortable which is certainly not pleasurable for me. I don’t want her to feel like I’m forcing something on her she doesn’t enjoy. Finally, I’ll watch porn to fill my cup. I feel somewhat guilty about it, but also feel like my sexual needs aren’t being met. I’m certainly not looking for anything outside of my marriage but don’t feel like I have any other outlet besides porn and masturbation. Do you have any suggestions to help me out?
—Satin Sadness
Dear Satin Sadness,
I had this hunch that you might be misinformed about fabrics, which you confirmed in my follow-up email. Silk is a particular kind of natural fiber, mostly derived from the cocoons of silkworms. Satin is a kind of weave, which can be made from many different fibers, natural or synthetic. And silky is an adjective that can be pretty subjective. Satin-weave fabrics of man-made materials—what I’m guessing you’ve been bringing home—are less than ideal for panties because they aren’t breathable, and that lack of airflow can encourage the overgrowth of yeast or bacteria. You aren’t the first fabric fetishist to be a little confused about the materials you admire, and you won’t be the last. But I do think that genuine—breathable!—silk might get you further than something like rayon.
Have a talk with your wife. “I have this perception that you sometimes give into my desire to see you in silky panties, but that you’re not enjoying it and might feel forced by me. Can we talk about this?” You don’t know how she’s feeling, and, if she is uncomfortable, what is causing her discomfort. You don’t mention any knowledge of how she feels about your masturbation or use of porn. Get everything out in the open so you’re able to make choices based on the actual situation.
If the discussion goes well, bring up her disinterest in the panties you’ve previously tried, and offer one more attempt with silk. If she’s open to that, ask her what style of panties she prefers and for her waist and hip measurements. It’s possible that she’ll want to participate in the purchase, but if that isn’t the case, take the information you’ve gathered and go shopping. You want a cotton gusset (that’s the little piece of fabric that touches her vulva). You’ll probably pay upwards of $50 in the U.S. If you’re looking at a $12 pair of bikini panties at your local mall, they’re most likely man-made material. Read the tag for fiber content and, if you’re shopping online, check the reviews. Once you’ve found the right pair, get a bottle of unscented Eucalan delicate wash. Then give her the panties along with a pledge to do the hand washing yourself.
If your guilt is coming from inside you, spend some time considering why that is. Panties are a popular sexual interest, and masturbation is something former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders encouraged—we certainly advocate it in this column. Think about your beliefs around sexuality, and whether any are something you want to challenge. I think you’ve got this.
