Todd Dorman
Sep. 11, 2022 7:00 am
So what if, in 2025, Iowa remains as red as a baboon’s MAGA hat, and Donald Trump has reclaimed the presidency? Things might look very different.
What would it be like to attend public schools in Iowa if that happened? I have ideas.
2025 School Calendar for Fake City, Iowa, High School. Home of the Trumps.
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Aug. 23 Last day parents can browse the library and remove any books they find objectionable.
Aug. 25 First day of school.
8 a.m. Inspiring address from Vice President Kim Reynolds. “Why you should leave this socialist hellhole and enroll in a private school.”
8:30 a.m. All school assembly — “Be on the lookout for sinister agendas.”
9 a.m. Ceremonial activation of classroom cameras.
9:10 a.m. (each day) Pledge of Allegiance. Voluntary, if you don’t love America.
Aug. 26
7 p.m. School board meeting, High School commons. Please extinguish torches before entering.
Aug. 27
10 a.m. History Wednesdays — “The Holocaust, two perspectives.”
11 a.m. Board of Curriculum Inquiry, High School commons. Deadline for teachers to submit every single thing they will teach for the entire year.
5 p.m. School employee marksmanship practice, shooting range.
Aug. 28
10 a.m. Science Thursdays — “The criminal case against Dr. Anthony Fauci.”
11 a.m. Liberal Indoctrination Investigative Committee. Teachers, please bring your voter registration card and be prepared to explain your activities and social media posts.
Aug. 29
10 a.m. Literature Friday — “A lot of books are not banned, just read those.”
Noon — Straight White Christian Alliance, High School commons.
2:30 p.m. Pep Rally — Theme: “The Fake City Trumps will draw the largest crowd, score the most touchdowns and win the most impressive victory in all the history of football.”
7:30 p.m. Varsity Football Fake City Trumps vs. the Fakeville Red Wave.
10 p.m. Midfield prayer. Voluntary, unless you want to play.
Sept. 1
All Day — Diversity Day. Lectures include:
“We don’t even see color, and neither should you.”
“People who keep talking about racism are the real racists.”
“Institutional racism, privilege and other stuff that’s not real.”
“Critical Race Theory. Don’t you even say it.”
Sept. 3
10. m. History Wednesday — “Slavery, two perspectives.”
11 a.m. Board of Curriculum Inquiry, High School commons. Board will announce its first edicts. Teachers found guilty will return to their classrooms amid chants of “Shame!”
Noon Welcome Back Teachers Appreciation Lunch. Free hot dogs! (Limit one.)
Sept. 4
10 a.m. Science Thursdays — “Learn to stop worrying and love climate change.”
11 a.m. Young Patriot Informers Club, at the base of the Trump statue, commons courtyard.
4 p.m. Teacher development “Stop crying in front of your students.”
Sept. 5
10 a.m. Literature Fridays — “Why ‘Art of the Deal’ should have won the Nobel Prize for literature.”
11 a.m. Turning Point USA “Authoritarianism is Awesomeartarianism!” membership fair, High School commons.
2:30 p.m. Pep Rally Theme: “The only way Fakingham can beat us is if the game is rigged!”
7: 30 p.m. Varsity Football Fake City Trumps vs. Fakingham Oathkeepers
Sept. 6
Varsity Cross Country at Southeast Fake Invitational. Girls’ race runners will need to provide proof of gender.
Sept. 8
Spirit Week — MAGA Hat Day.
8: 30 a.m. All School Assembly “Outing socialist teachers.”
7 p.m. PTO Meeting, High school Commons — Report from the administration: “Students we think might be transgender.”
Sept. 9
Spirit Week — Pride Day (canceled)
9 a.m. Active shooter drill. Followed by “The charge of the armed school employee brigade.”
Sept. 10
Spirit Week — American Exceptionalism Day (mandatory, no exceptions)
10 a.m. History Wednesday — “The peaceful Jan. 6 protest, one perspective.”
Sept. 11
Spirit Week — Long Red Necktie Day.
10 a.m. Science Thursday — “Windmill cancer, what you need to know.”
4 p.m. Professional development “Stop primal screaming in the teacher’s lounge.”
Sept. 12
Spirit Week — School Colors Day Red, White and Orange.
10 a.m. Literature Friday — “Books that fit your parents’ worldview”
2:30 p.m. Pep Rally — Tentative theme: “Did Fakingham steal last week’s game?” Sponsored by Four Seasons Total Landscape.
3:30 p.m. The greatest homecoming parade in the history of parades with the largest crowd in galactic history. Grand Marshal: Midwest District Minister of Information Jeff Kaufmann.
7: 30 p.m. Varsity Football Fake City Trumps vs. Fake Valley Insurrectionists.
8:30 p.m. Halftime. Selection of the Spirit Week King and Queen, singing of the school song and flogging of the journalists, midfield.
Sep. 11, 2022 7:00 am
So what if, in 2025, Iowa remains as red as a baboon’s MAGA hat, and Donald Trump has reclaimed the presidency? Things might look very different.
What would it be like to attend public schools in Iowa if that happened? I have ideas.
2025 School Calendar for Fake City, Iowa, High School. Home of the Trumps.
Advertisement
Aug. 23 Last day parents can browse the library and remove any books they find objectionable.
Aug. 25 First day of school.
8 a.m. Inspiring address from Vice President Kim Reynolds. “Why you should leave this socialist hellhole and enroll in a private school.”
8:30 a.m. All school assembly — “Be on the lookout for sinister agendas.”
9 a.m. Ceremonial activation of classroom cameras.
9:10 a.m. (each day) Pledge of Allegiance. Voluntary, if you don’t love America.
Aug. 26
7 p.m. School board meeting, High School commons. Please extinguish torches before entering.
Aug. 27
10 a.m. History Wednesdays — “The Holocaust, two perspectives.”
11 a.m. Board of Curriculum Inquiry, High School commons. Deadline for teachers to submit every single thing they will teach for the entire year.
5 p.m. School employee marksmanship practice, shooting range.
Aug. 28
10 a.m. Science Thursdays — “The criminal case against Dr. Anthony Fauci.”
11 a.m. Liberal Indoctrination Investigative Committee. Teachers, please bring your voter registration card and be prepared to explain your activities and social media posts.
Aug. 29
10 a.m. Literature Friday — “A lot of books are not banned, just read those.”
Noon — Straight White Christian Alliance, High School commons.
2:30 p.m. Pep Rally — Theme: “The Fake City Trumps will draw the largest crowd, score the most touchdowns and win the most impressive victory in all the history of football.”
7:30 p.m. Varsity Football Fake City Trumps vs. the Fakeville Red Wave.
10 p.m. Midfield prayer. Voluntary, unless you want to play.
Sept. 1
All Day — Diversity Day. Lectures include:
“We don’t even see color, and neither should you.”
“People who keep talking about racism are the real racists.”
“Institutional racism, privilege and other stuff that’s not real.”
“Critical Race Theory. Don’t you even say it.”
Sept. 3
10. m. History Wednesday — “Slavery, two perspectives.”
11 a.m. Board of Curriculum Inquiry, High School commons. Board will announce its first edicts. Teachers found guilty will return to their classrooms amid chants of “Shame!”
Noon Welcome Back Teachers Appreciation Lunch. Free hot dogs! (Limit one.)
Sept. 4
10 a.m. Science Thursdays — “Learn to stop worrying and love climate change.”
11 a.m. Young Patriot Informers Club, at the base of the Trump statue, commons courtyard.
4 p.m. Teacher development “Stop crying in front of your students.”
Sept. 5
10 a.m. Literature Fridays — “Why ‘Art of the Deal’ should have won the Nobel Prize for literature.”
11 a.m. Turning Point USA “Authoritarianism is Awesomeartarianism!” membership fair, High School commons.
2:30 p.m. Pep Rally Theme: “The only way Fakingham can beat us is if the game is rigged!”
7: 30 p.m. Varsity Football Fake City Trumps vs. Fakingham Oathkeepers
Sept. 6
Varsity Cross Country at Southeast Fake Invitational. Girls’ race runners will need to provide proof of gender.
Sept. 8
Spirit Week — MAGA Hat Day.
8: 30 a.m. All School Assembly “Outing socialist teachers.”
7 p.m. PTO Meeting, High school Commons — Report from the administration: “Students we think might be transgender.”
Sept. 9
Spirit Week — Pride Day (canceled)
9 a.m. Active shooter drill. Followed by “The charge of the armed school employee brigade.”
Sept. 10
Spirit Week — American Exceptionalism Day (mandatory, no exceptions)
10 a.m. History Wednesday — “The peaceful Jan. 6 protest, one perspective.”
Sept. 11
Spirit Week — Long Red Necktie Day.
10 a.m. Science Thursday — “Windmill cancer, what you need to know.”
4 p.m. Professional development “Stop primal screaming in the teacher’s lounge.”
Sept. 12
Spirit Week — School Colors Day Red, White and Orange.
10 a.m. Literature Friday — “Books that fit your parents’ worldview”
2:30 p.m. Pep Rally — Tentative theme: “Did Fakingham steal last week’s game?” Sponsored by Four Seasons Total Landscape.
3:30 p.m. The greatest homecoming parade in the history of parades with the largest crowd in galactic history. Grand Marshal: Midwest District Minister of Information Jeff Kaufmann.
7: 30 p.m. Varsity Football Fake City Trumps vs. Fake Valley Insurrectionists.
8:30 p.m. Halftime. Selection of the Spirit Week King and Queen, singing of the school song and flogging of the journalists, midfield.
In the year 2025 if Iowa’s public schools are still alive
A classroom. (Liz Martin/The Gazette) So what if, in 2025, Iowa remains as red as a baboon’s MAGA hat, and …
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