Inside the opponent's defensive prep

Hawk-A-Doodle-Doo

HR Legend
Oct 1, 2001
20,562
10,564
113
Island of Misfit Message Board Posters
Ol' Doodle hired a private investigator to go undercover as a student athlete and report back what defenses are instructed to do during the week leading up to playing a Spencer Petras-led I_WA _ffense. Below is his report, transcribed from a hidden recording device.

Meeting starts.

D-Coord: "Guys, we've got I_WA this week. So I'm going to ask each position coach to give a summary of what you can expect from the Hawkeyes on _ffense this week."

DL Coach: "Thanks coach. Okay, listen up. Interior linemen...just bull rush. Clog the gaps and overwhelm the man opposite you. Don't worry. You're all bigger, stronger, and faster. Ends....just crash downhill and collapse the pocket on every play. Don't worry about contain. Even if their QB decides to run to the outside, you'll catch him. You could run on your knees and catch him. You could stop for a sno-cone and catch him. You could get tested for COVID and get the results and still catch him. You could run on crutches and still catch him. So just implode the pocket at will and if he gets around you, a casual jog should suffice to ensure a TFL."

LB Coach: "Alright guys, I want you to get ready for a relaxing day off this Saturday. No need to worry about OL blocking at the second level as they can't seem to even figure out blocking at the first level. The RBs generally get swallowed up by our DL. So your whole job really is just to sort of stand around and occasionally look for a TE drag across the middle. Don't follow too closely though. Your best bet for an INT is to stay about 3 yards away from the intended target since that's where........"

DB Coach interrupts: "Hey man, come on! You're stealing my bit. That's what I was gonna tell my guys! Okay, you heard coach say it. If you want to pick the ball off, don't try to actually cover the receivers. No, instead stay about 3 - 4 yards away from them as that is where the ball will go. Also, maybe lay down on the ground near their feet and you might be able to dig one out of the turf. Be careful though, even if it's only 2 yards downfield, it will be coming in at about 200 mph. Also, if any of you have any elevator shoes, now would be a good time to get them fitted with some cleats. Could help you grab a ball or two thrown 4 feet over the intended target's head. Finally, safeties, don't line up more than 3 yards off the ball. There appear to be no passing plays that are designed for the middle of the field anyway, so you might as well try to get on the stat sheet making a tackle at the line of scrimmage every so often."

Player: "What if they play another quarterback?"

All coaches together: "Hahahahaha!"

DB Coach: "Don't worry. That won't happen unless Petras gets injured. So for the love of god guys, be gentle out there!"

D-Coord: "Alright. Thanks gentlemen. Great work on that solid scouting report. One other thing to remember, don't be surprised by never being surprised on Saturday. Their _ffensive coordinator is a TE coach undergoing a multi-year on-the-job training program. So try to forget everything you've ever known or think you know about modern college football offense. But just so we can say we took their _ffense seriously, let's be sure to do plenty of film study (hands every position coach a copy of "Knute Rockne: All American"). Okay, now get out to the practice field and sit around watching our offensive coaches and players worry themselves sick trying to come up with a way to score the 8 points against the I_WA defense that we need to ensure a victory."

Source: Paul Drake Detective Agency, Los Angeles, CA
 
Last edited:

83Hawk

HR Legend
Sep 17, 2002
21,932
17,392
113
Ol' Doodle hired a private investigator to go undercover as a student athlete and report back what defenses are instructed to do during the week leading up to playing a Spencer Petras-led I_WA _ffense. Below is his report, transcribed from a hidden recording device.

Meeting starts.

D-Coord: "Guys, we've got I_WA this week. So I'm going to ask each position coach to give a summary of what you can expect from the Hawkeyes on _ffense this week."

DL Coach: "Thanks coach. Okay, listen up. Interior linemen...just bull rush. Clog the gaps and overwhelm the man opposite you. Don't worry. You're all bigger, stronger, and faster. Ends....just crash downhill and collapse the pocket on every play. Don't worry about contain. Even if their QB decides to run to the outside, you'll catch him. You could run on your knees and catch him. You could stop for a sno-cone and catch him. You could get tested for COVID and get the results and still catch him. You could run on crutches and still catch him. So just implode the pocket at will and if he gets around you, a casual jog should suffice to ensure a TFL."

LB Coach: "Alright guys, I want you to get ready for a relaxing day off this Saturday. No need to worry about OL blocking at the second level as they can't seem to even figure out blocking at the first level. The RBs generally get swallowed up by our DL. So your whole job really is just to sort of stand around and occasionally look for a TE drag across the middle. Don't follow too closely though. Your best bet for an INT is to say about 3 yards away from the intended target since that's where........"

DB Coach interrupts: "Hey man, come on! You're stealing my bit. That's what I was gonna tell my guys! Okay, you heard coach say it. If you want to pick the ball off, don't try to actually cover the receivers. No, instead stay about 3 - 4 yards away from them as that is where the ball will go. Also, maybe lay down on the ground near their feet and you might be able to dig one out of the turf. Be careful though, even if it's only 2 yards downfield, it will be coming in at about 200 mph. Also, if any of you have any elevator shoes, now would be a good time to get them fitted with some cleats. Could help you grab a ball or two thrown 4 feet over the intended target's head. Finally, safeties, don't line up more than 3 yards off the ball. There appear to be no passing plays that are designed for the middle of the field anyway, so you might as well try to get on the stat sheet making a tackle at the line of scrimmage every so often."

Player: "What if they play another quarterback?"

All coaches together: "Hahahahaha!"

DB Coach: "Don't worry. That won't happen unless Petras gets injured. So for the love of god guys, be gentle out there!"

D-Coord: "Alright. Thanks gentlemen. Great work on that solid scouting report. One other thing to remember, don't be surprised by never being surprised on Saturday. Their _ffensive coordinator is a TE coach undergoing a multi-year on-the-job training program. So try to forget everything you've ever known or think you know about modern college football offense. But just so we can say we took their _ffense seriously, let's be sure to do plenty of film study (hands every position coach a copy of "Knute Rockne: All American"). Okay, now get out to the practice field and sit around watching our offensive coaches and players worry themselves sick trying to come up with a way to score the 8 points against the I_WA defense that we need to ensure a victory."

Source: Paul Drake Detective Agency, Los Angeles, CA
Paul Drake! Nice!
 
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Reactions: Hawk-A-Doodle-Doo

intrepodor

HR All-State
Nov 2, 2010
510
494
63
Ol' Doodle hired a private investigator to go undercover as a student athlete and report back what defenses are instructed to do during the week leading up to playing a Spencer Petras-led I_WA _ffense. Below is his report, transcribed from a hidden recording device.

Meeting starts.

D-Coord: "Guys, we've got I_WA this week. So I'm going to ask each position coach to give a summary of what you can expect from the Hawkeyes on _ffense this week."

DL Coach: "Thanks coach. Okay, listen up. Interior linemen...just bull rush. Clog the gaps and overwhelm the man opposite you. Don't worry. You're all bigger, stronger, and faster. Ends....just crash downhill and collapse the pocket on every play. Don't worry about contain. Even if their QB decides to run to the outside, you'll catch him. You could run on your knees and catch him. You could stop for a sno-cone and catch him. You could get tested for COVID and get the results and still catch him. You could run on crutches and still catch him. So just implode the pocket at will and if he gets around you, a casual jog should suffice to ensure a TFL."

LB Coach: "Alright guys, I want you to get ready for a relaxing day off this Saturday. No need to worry about OL blocking at the second level as they can't seem to even figure out blocking at the first level. The RBs generally get swallowed up by our DL. So your whole job really is just to sort of stand around and occasionally look for a TE drag across the middle. Don't follow too closely though. Your best bet for an INT is to say about 3 yards away from the intended target since that's where........"

DB Coach interrupts: "Hey man, come on! You're stealing my bit. That's what I was gonna tell my guys! Okay, you heard coach say it. If you want to pick the ball off, don't try to actually cover the receivers. No, instead stay about 3 - 4 yards away from them as that is where the ball will go. Also, maybe lay down on the ground near their feet and you might be able to dig one out of the turf. Be careful though, even if it's only 2 yards downfield, it will be coming in at about 200 mph. Also, if any of you have any elevator shoes, now would be a good time to get them fitted with some cleats. Could help you grab a ball or two thrown 4 feet over the intended target's head. Finally, safeties, don't line up more than 3 yards off the ball. There appear to be no passing plays that are designed for the middle of the field anyway, so you might as well try to get on the stat sheet making a tackle at the line of scrimmage every so often."

Player: "What if they play another quarterback?"

All coaches together: "Hahahahaha!"

DB Coach: "Don't worry. That won't happen unless Petras gets injured. So for the love of god guys, be gentle out there!"

D-Coord: "Alright. Thanks gentlemen. Great work on that solid scouting report. One other thing to remember, don't be surprised by never being surprised on Saturday. Their _ffensive coordinator is a TE coach undergoing a multi-year on-the-job training program. So try to forget everything you've ever known or think you know about modern college football offense. But just so we can say we took their _ffense seriously, let's be sure to do plenty of film study (hands every position coach a copy of "Knute Rockne: All American"). Okay, now get out to the practice field and sit around watching our offensive coaches and players worry themselves sick trying to come up with a way to score the 8 points against the I_WA defense that we need to ensure a victory."

Source: Paul Drake Detective Agency, Los Angeles, CA
The Iowa writers school just keeps producing!
 
  • Haha
Reactions: Hawk-A-Doodle-Doo