There is a new Barbie doll out for Christmas, she’s called Divorce Barbie.
She comes with a lawyer and all of Ken’s stuff.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A Skeet shoot
Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until he has been proven broke.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
Law School
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, both parties are devastated!
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“$250.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said “What does your mother do for a living?”
“She’s a doctor,” Tim replied proudly.
What about you Amy?” she asked.
“My father is a mailman,” Amy answered.
“What does your father do Billy?”
“He plays piano at a whorehouse,” Billy said as though it was the greatest job in the world.
The teacher was shocked and immediately changed the subject to history.
After school, the teacher went to Billy’s house. His father answered the door. The teacher explained what Billy had said, and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer, but how am I going to explain that to an eight-year-old.
Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
What is the proper weight for an attorney?
About 3 pounds, . . . not counting the urn!
Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You should take your work boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
What’s the difference between an accident, and a calamity?
An accident is when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road, and into a river; a calamity is if they can swim.
Why do they bury lawyers 15 feet deep?
Because deep down they’re not bad guys.
On the same token:
Why do they bury farmers only three feet deep?
So they can still get a hand out.
What do you call someone who watches a lawyer drown?
Lucky!
It was so cold last winter ……………… How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits that water.
Or
Take your foot off of his head.
A Physician, an Engineer, and a Lawyer were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.
The Doctor said “Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs . . . That required the first surgery. So, Doctors were here first.”
The Engineer said, “NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first.”
The Lawyer said, “SORRY GUYS, lawyers were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was chaos, and who do you think created chaos.”
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said “Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you are going to find a lawyer?”
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A few surgeons were discussing the merits of working on different people.
One said the best patient is an electrician; all of their organs are color-coded.
“No.” said the next. “Librarians insides are catalogued and indexed!” “You’re both wrong!” said the next doctor.” Lawyers are the best. They are gutless, heartless, spineless and their heads and asses are interchangeable.”
A change in medical research regulations was introduced. From now on, medical researchers have to use lawyers instead of lab rats, and they should do so for three reasons.
First, lawyers are more numerous than lab rats; second, they don’t become attached to lawyers the way they do to rats; and thirdly, there are some things that even a lab rat wouldn’t do.
Two fellows are taking a balloon ride. The wind is really strong and they got blown to some unknown place. They are slowly descending onto a field and see a man walking by. They shout “Excuse me! Where are we?” He looks up and says “Why, you are in balloon!”
One of the guys turns to the other one and says “I bet he’s a lawyer”. The other one shouts “Excuse me! What do you do for a living?” “I’m a lawyer”-he shouts back.
The first guy says, “You wanna know how I knew that? He said what all lawyers normally say – something perfectly accurate and perfectly useless.”
Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
How can you tell if your lawyer’s well hung?
If you can’t get your finger between their neck and the noose.
Mr. Pierpoint, the local bank president sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked Pierpoint incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side and then on the other.
How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, “Fees!”
Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
“Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says, “what’s yours?”
“Tommy,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers.
“Honest?” says Billy.
“No, just the regular kind.”
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.” The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, your honor. However, my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . .”
If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
Who cares?
She comes with a lawyer and all of Ken’s stuff.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A Skeet shoot
Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until he has been proven broke.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
Law School
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, both parties are devastated!
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“$250.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said “What does your mother do for a living?”
“She’s a doctor,” Tim replied proudly.
What about you Amy?” she asked.
“My father is a mailman,” Amy answered.
“What does your father do Billy?”
“He plays piano at a whorehouse,” Billy said as though it was the greatest job in the world.
The teacher was shocked and immediately changed the subject to history.
After school, the teacher went to Billy’s house. His father answered the door. The teacher explained what Billy had said, and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer, but how am I going to explain that to an eight-year-old.
Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
What is the proper weight for an attorney?
About 3 pounds, . . . not counting the urn!
Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You should take your work boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
What’s the difference between an accident, and a calamity?
An accident is when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road, and into a river; a calamity is if they can swim.
Why do they bury lawyers 15 feet deep?
Because deep down they’re not bad guys.
On the same token:
Why do they bury farmers only three feet deep?
So they can still get a hand out.
What do you call someone who watches a lawyer drown?
Lucky!
It was so cold last winter ……………… How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits that water.
Or
Take your foot off of his head.
A Physician, an Engineer, and a Lawyer were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.
The Doctor said “Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs . . . That required the first surgery. So, Doctors were here first.”
The Engineer said, “NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first.”
The Lawyer said, “SORRY GUYS, lawyers were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was chaos, and who do you think created chaos.”
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said “Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you are going to find a lawyer?”
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A few surgeons were discussing the merits of working on different people.
One said the best patient is an electrician; all of their organs are color-coded.
“No.” said the next. “Librarians insides are catalogued and indexed!” “You’re both wrong!” said the next doctor.” Lawyers are the best. They are gutless, heartless, spineless and their heads and asses are interchangeable.”
A change in medical research regulations was introduced. From now on, medical researchers have to use lawyers instead of lab rats, and they should do so for three reasons.
First, lawyers are more numerous than lab rats; second, they don’t become attached to lawyers the way they do to rats; and thirdly, there are some things that even a lab rat wouldn’t do.
Two fellows are taking a balloon ride. The wind is really strong and they got blown to some unknown place. They are slowly descending onto a field and see a man walking by. They shout “Excuse me! Where are we?” He looks up and says “Why, you are in balloon!”
One of the guys turns to the other one and says “I bet he’s a lawyer”. The other one shouts “Excuse me! What do you do for a living?” “I’m a lawyer”-he shouts back.
The first guy says, “You wanna know how I knew that? He said what all lawyers normally say – something perfectly accurate and perfectly useless.”
Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
How can you tell if your lawyer’s well hung?
If you can’t get your finger between their neck and the noose.
Mr. Pierpoint, the local bank president sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked Pierpoint incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side and then on the other.
How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, “Fees!”
Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
“Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says, “what’s yours?”
“Tommy,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers.
“Honest?” says Billy.
“No, just the regular kind.”
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.” The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, your honor. However, my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . .”
If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
Who cares?
