Mindset I don't understand

Finance85

HR Legend
Oct 22, 2003
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Last week a friend of mine (no pic) posted on FB a cryptic message about needing a place to stay and other help. I texted het to find out what was happening. She replied that her fiance' had been abusing her, verbally and physically, she had virtually no money, and her car had been broken down for 3 weeks. She's a photographer by trade, and does weddings and local events, but has no other source of income. She told me she had applied for government aid. The fiance' is a retired NOLA cop, and some other 40 hour blue collar job. Apparently my friend had been in the friend zone with this guy for over 20 years.

Just 2 years ago my friend was with a NOLA lawyer who had started some charity, and my friend was managing it. The charity was their only real income. She left him because he was abusing her.

She didn't ask me for help, but I paid for her car to be towed to a shop and fixed. She told me to look at FB, which I don't do much, and she had thanked me for helping her, and said she would "pay my kindness forward". I texted her and told her I appreciated the sentiment, but she need to start making sure she could provide for herself before she started paying anything forward. I also told her that she needed to stop being dependent on men, and become independent financially and emotionally. She's very proud of being an "empath".

Wise HORT people, any thoughts?
 

Hawki97

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Dec 16, 2001
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So many questions.

But I'd say in general it sounds like your friend is one of those "fixer" chicks that finds pieces of shit all the time and tries to make them better. She thinks she's doing it under the guise of empathy but there's probably some self fulfillment she gets from it to. Also, it sounds like she's terrible with money and not really ever done much to fully support herself. Has she used men in the past to enable that? If so, was she formerly attractive and now on the down hill slide and not able to do that anymore? Sounds like a mean question but a lot of women have a tough time transitioning from the hottie in their 20's-40's that can't use their looks anymore to get what they want and don't have the skills to succeed on their own. So they end up in shitty relationships.
 

Finance85

HR Legend
Oct 22, 2003
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Interesting story, but what is the mindset that you don't understand? The "empath"?
A few things.

First, she just went through this a couple of years ago with another guy.

Second, she has no money, no job, and wants taxpayer assistance, but wants to pay forward with what amounts to other people's money.
 
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ThorneStockton

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Oct 2, 2009
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A few things.

First, she just went through this a couple of years ago with another guy.

Second, she has no money, no job, and wants taxpayer assistance, but wants to pay forward with what amounts to other people's money.

It still seems like you're just retelling a story or providing facts of the matter, rather than describing a mindset that you don't understand.

Is "paying it forward" the mindset that you're having trouble with?
 
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Finance85

HR Legend
Oct 22, 2003
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So many questions.

But I'd say in general it sounds like your friend is one of those "fixer" chicks that finds pieces of shit all the time and tries to make them better. She thinks she's doing it under the guise of empathy but there's probably some self fulfillment she gets from it to. Also, it sounds like she's terrible with money and not really ever done much to fully support herself. Has she used men in the past to enable that? If so, was she formerly attractive and now on the down hill slide and not able to do that anymore? Sounds like a mean question but a lot of women have a tough time transitioning from the hottie in their 20's-40's that can't use their looks anymore to get what they want and don't have the skills to succeed on their own. So they end up in shitty relationships.
Sorry, no pics, but even though she's older, she's still extremely attractive.

Yes, the two most recent guys are sleazy. Previous guy, though a lawyer, is back alley New Orleans trashy. Current guy tries to project a motorcycle club persona but doesn't have a Harley.

I think you are on target. On purpose or not, she falls for guys who will provide for her. She's capable of providing for herself, but it's easy for her to love all the events going on constantly in NOLA.
 
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binsfeldcyhawk2

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Oct 13, 2006
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So many questions.

But I'd say in general it sounds like your friend is one of those "fixer" chicks that finds pieces of shit all the time and tries to make them better.
It's a common malady unfortunately. Close friends daughter just keeps getting in disastrous relationships with losers. She's educated, has a great job and is attractive but has repeated the abusive relationship cycle.

Don't understand it...
 

Finance85

HR Legend
Oct 22, 2003
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This. Good lord, OP!
Hey, I said no pics right up front. :p

Here's one from a couple of years ago. To be clear, I'm not the guy in the pic.

233741185_10224714637229655_5145720482847803680_n.jpg
 
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JupiterHawk

HR Legend
Jan 6, 2005
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Jupiter, FL
Just to be clear, she knows she has no money and can't "pay if forward", she just wanted attention on FB. That's her personality, and it's why she finds the relationships she does.
Pretty much what I am thinking. I wouldn't want that person posting fb that I helped him/her either. Next thing you know the whole friend list is looking for a handout.
 
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Cougar63

HR Heisman
Oct 4, 2004
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I don't understand the mindset of dudes that physically abuse women...wtf
I'm not a trained professional nor have I ever beaten a woman, but I'm willing to bet it stems from them being complete pieces of human waste and insecurities with instances of toxic masculinity.
 

NoleinATL

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Oct 29, 2006
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One of the nicest people I have known was a woman that always ended up with abusive men. After exhaustive conversations, fights, arguments, and tears we all agreed it was because of her father, who was a world-class POS, but she could never break the cycle in spite of all her friends begging and pleading. Sadly Brooke was murdered by the last POS she was with, the man shot her and let her bleed out during a standoff with cops.
Next year will be 25 years, and it still f****** hurts..Watch your friends and family, there are signs, that they are being abused and no matter how uncomfortable you must say something, do something, it is not ok to stay on the sidelines.
 

Finance85

HR Legend
Oct 22, 2003
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One of the nicest people I have known was a woman that always ended up with abusive men. After exhaustive conversations, fights, arguments, and tears we all agreed it was because of her father, who was a world-class POS, but she could never break the cycle in spite of all her friends begging and pleading. Sadly Brooke was murdered by the last POS she was with, the man shot her and let her bleed out during a standoff with cops.
Next year will be 25 years, and it still f****** hurts..Watch your friends and family, there are signs, that they are being abused and no matter how uncomfortable you must say something, do something, it is not ok to stay on the sidelines.
I can believe that.

In this case, it's highly doubtful, but I guess anything's possible. My guess is my friend just likes having someone who is willing to take her in. From an appearance perspective, she's a big step up for the guys who jump at the chance. They probably get tired of taking care of her, and revert to their normal character. Amateur psychology is fun, isn't it?
 

fredjr82

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Nov 13, 2007
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I paid for her car to be towed to a shop and fixed.

I also told her that she needed to stop being dependent on men, and become independent financially and emotionally

Way to break the cycle! LOL!

The truly sad part is this person clearly needs help with co-dependency issues but she could never afford that type of care. She can't even fix her car. Says a lot about society, imo.

All in all you probably did what you could. I doubt she changes. She went from an abusive lawyer to an abusive retired cop? She will probably just continue to make the same mistakes with men moving forward. Nice gesture on your part.
 
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SoDakHawk

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Sep 14, 2006
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Low self-esteem when it comes to relationships with men. She feels she's not good enough to expect somebody to treat her decently so she accepts being abused as a form of affection. Probably a lot of co-dependency characteristics going on there too.
 

Finance85

HR Legend
Oct 22, 2003
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Way to break the cycle! LOL!

The truly sad part is this person clearly needs help with co-dependency issues but she could never afford that type of care. She can't even fix her car. Says a lot about society, imo.

All in all you probably did what you could. I doubt she changes. She went from an abusive lawyer to an abusive retired cop? She will probably just continue to make the same mistakes with men moving forward. Nice gesture on your part.
Yeah, I realized that I was somewhat enabling her, too. That's it for me though.

And for the other guys saying I could have taken advantage - that's probably so, too, but I don't want to take care of her financially going forward.
 
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fredjr82

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And for the other guys saying I could have taken advantage - that's probably so, too, but I don't want to take care of her financially going forward.

Is she a wedding photographer or one of those freelance types that bought a Nokia 20 years ago?
 

TennNole17

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Sep 18, 2003
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Why did she feel the need to take your offline-FB help, and thank you on FB? That detail is weird to me
 

LBoogie28

HR All-American
Feb 5, 2007
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Apparently, the thanks given on Facebook wasn’t enough for OP. Comes to HORT for pats on the back? Mindset I just don’t understand.
 

Finance85

HR Legend
Oct 22, 2003
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Is she a wedding photographer or one of those freelance types that bought a Nokia 20 years ago?
She does weddings and other events. She does a lot of stuff for mardi gras krewes throughout the year. She's doesn't really do a lot to push her business until she runs low on cash.