My Best Friend Died Unexpectedly

[jonesy5960]

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

He actually did see a doctor twice while in Iowa City for the leg. Not sure of all the specifics, just know he got a shot in the ass and some NSAIDs the first time around and some muscle relaxers the second time around. No idea how DVTs are diagnosed or if the recent or upcoming long flights were mentioned.

So it sounds like he may have been misdiagnosed. That's very unfortunate. Mentioning the flights would have been helpful in any diagnostic process but we can only guess as to what if anything might have changed the outcome. DVT's are diagnosed with physical examinations and ultrasound. Once diagnosed they are often effectively treated with blood thinners. I personally know 2 men today in their 40's and 50's that have been treated for DVT's in the past year. Both are still on blood thinners.

 

[hawkeyebob62]

This will be a strange one for me. I'm in my middle 30's but have surprisingly little experience with real grief. All my grandparents are dead, I tragically lost a cousin, but I wasn't particularly close with them, their deaths were not particularly impactful on me. I suspect this will be different.

My friend was closer than extended family. Elementary, high school, college together. Dormmates. Spring break mates, travel mates, family friends, drinking buddies, shared interests, humor, mutual respect. Mostly peaks, very few valleys over a long friendship.

We lived in the same city until he married in the Fall of 2022 and moved with his wife to Asia for an Embassy posting. We'd text basically everyday when the time zones aligned. He came back for my wedding in the Summer of 2023.

I saw him next just a couple of weeks ago. He was in DC for a training, ended up walking several miles in poor footwear and developed what he thought was a stress fracture. He came to Chicago over St Pats and good times were had. We traveled back to Iowa together to see our families. Thinking we'd spend some more time together. But with his leg, he was basically immobile and spent the days on the couch at his parents. The travel day was the last day I saw him.

He pushed his flight back to Asia a week to recuperate the leg. 15 hour flight to Asia on Monday, 3/31. I text with him yesterday afternoon, he's jetlagged, says he's going into work, there's room in the cube to elevate his leg.

Fast forward to last night, I find out he collapsed at work, and is on a ECMO machine, that they believed it was a pulmonary embolism - blood clot - and that it looked grim. Wake up this morning to the dreaded news that he did not make it.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling yet. I reckon it will be a broad range of emotions, observations and reflections. But I thought writing some stuff down and sharing here might help.

T's and P's.

So sorry for your loss. To state the obvious, this will take some time, and you will have some quasi-PTSD type stuff.

I lost one of my best friends to suicide in 2002. I had dreams about him for years. You might experience same. And although I won't get philosophical or claim scientific or psychological expertise, let alone get into religion, you may well feel he is "talking" to you via dreams, thoughts, feelings, etc.

I STILLhave dreams about my late parents. To make it even weirder, in the dreams I KNOW they are dead, and I discuss that they need to let people know they are, somehow, "back to life".

The overwhelming grief does eventually go away, but the feeling of loss is always there. You WILL get through this. Lean on friends, family, etc. Don't hesitate to reach out to his wife, parents, siblings, and friends. It may feel awkward, but it will help in the overall grieving process.

 

[Bro D]

I'm sorry to hear.. That's terrible news. Stay strong and best wishes

 

[jamesvanderwulf]

Sorry for your loss. I've had 2 PE's, one after driving about 5,000 miles in a week and another one followed a year later. Been on Xarelto @ 600/month ever since. I also had a friend who died of a PE following a routine rotator cuff surgery ( which I also had in November ). Likely a DVT that moved to his heart or lung...

 

[Chuck C]

A childhood friend of mine, that I knew and hung out with since the first grade, through college and after, had the same thing happen. Mid 20’s, firefighter in Atlanta, young wife with a kid on the way. He was in really good shape and was just out jogging one day and just collapsed.

 

[funksouljon]

OP, one consideration. You were able to keep in touch with him and knew how everything was going even as it was going downhill. I have 2 friends from my youth who just up and died. I've had to piece together details which just leaves a cloud "did he have anyone with him when he did or just found that way, etc etc". Death sucks, but early death always leaves an extra chill.

 

[ThorneStockton]

OP, one consideration. You were able to keep in touch with him and knew how everything was going even as it was going downhill. I have 2 friends from my youth who just up and died. I've had to piece together details which just leaves a cloud "did he have anyone with him when he did or just found that way, etc etc". Death sucks, but early death always leaves an extra chill.

Yeah, it's a mixed bag. I feel fortunate that I was able to see him recently, but regret the squandered opportunity to do it more, but who can plan for these things?

And I'm fortunate that there was frequent contact, yet still feels weird that one minute he's griping about a loud kid on the flight and the parents barely did anything, and the jet lag.

And then a few hours later I ask him how he'd adjusting to the jet lag? And that message will be left unread forever.

 

[funksouljon]

Yeah, it's a mixed bag. I feel fortunate that I was able to see him recently, but regret the squandered opportunity to do it more, but who can plan for these things?

And I'm fortunate that there was frequent contact, yet still feels weird that one minute he's griping about a loud kid on the flight and the parents barely did anything, and the jet lag.

And then a few hours later I ask him how he'd adjusting to the jet lag? And that message will be left unread forever.

IMO, that is 100% normal. My folks visited for 2 weeks before a trek west. They spent most of the time farting around and planning the next 2 months of a camping trip. I didn't get to spend much time with my father on that stop, they were returning in 2 months. 2 weeks later, he died. Regret. Anger. Disappointment. All normal. Ultimately, you get no more time with him, so the time you spent, no matter how much, will always feel "less than enough".

For me, the worst is "I wonder what he'd say on <insert topic>?" You will never know, but I play that game a lot.

 

[BelemNole]

That's awful, so sorry.

 

[Dauminator]

My sympathies. An awful story.

 

[SoProudNole]

I didn't edit your post.


No idiot, it did the mobile thing where it starts typing your same answer again. It's a glitch, nothing you or I did, but that's a hell of a distraction.

Damn, just STFU.

 

[ConvenientParking]

You could actually say a prayer for the guy.

Protestants, smdh

 

[BrunoMars420]

Sorry to hear Thorne. Sending positive vibes and love your way!

My dad had a PE and had a stroke because of it and went blind in one eye. It is some scary stuff because it seems so random. Always a good PSA to say, if you think something is off or wrong just go to the doctor and get it checked out.

 

[ThorneStockton]

Thanks for sharing the perspectives and condolences. I couldn't just sit at home, so I took a couple of train lines, a bus and walked about five miles just to do something, the rain fit. This one will take a bit of time and leave a pretty big hole.

His poor parents are flying right now to a country they don't speak the language. His wife, dealing with it alone, sending back updates. Somehow sympathizing with their grief makes it easier to put my own on the backburner.

 

[OrlandNole]

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

He actually did see a doctor twice while in Iowa City for the leg. Not sure of all the specifics, just know he got a shot in the ass and some NSAIDs the first time around and some muscle relaxers the second time around. No idea how DVTs are diagnosed or if the recent or upcoming long flights were mentioned.

Mine was diagnosed via sonogram. I do know that flights are discouraged for people with blood clots. Sorry, man.

 

[OutbackBowl2017]

Condolences and sorry for your loss.

 

[ISUBryce]

It’s a really weird thing when people are healthy them gone. Lost a good friend in our early 20s, got spinal meningitis and was there one day gone the next.

I don’t think I was emotionally mature enough to even internalize it. Just sort of memory holed it and moved on.

 

[so cal hawkfan]

Damn, that’s rough. I’m not sure posting on a random message board is necessarily therapeutic, but maybe. Where I work we have a peer support group that has helped folks deal with loss, addiction, serious illness diagnosis, trauma etc. Not sure where you work or if you have an HR or Risk Management Department, but many have resources including grief counselors, case managers, or psychologists that can be referred. My employer floats the bill. It may be worth looking into, but do whatever you can to not suffer in silence.

Take care brother and God Bless.

 

[Scruddy]

Sorry OP. That sucks.

 

[Obviously Oblivious]

This will be a strange one for me. I'm in my middle 30's but have surprisingly little experience with real grief. All my grandparents are dead, I tragically lost a cousin, but I wasn't particularly close with them, their deaths were not particularly impactful on me. I suspect this will be different.

My friend was closer than extended family. Elementary, high school, college together. Dormmates. Spring break mates, travel mates, family friends, drinking buddies, shared interests, humor, mutual respect. Mostly peaks, very few valleys over a long friendship.

We lived in the same city until he married in the Fall of 2022 and moved with his wife to Asia for an Embassy posting. We'd text basically everyday when the time zones aligned. He came back for my wedding in the Summer of 2023.

I saw him next just a couple of weeks ago. He was in DC for a training, ended up walking several miles in poor footwear and developed what he thought was a stress fracture. He came to Chicago over St Pats and good times were had. We traveled back to Iowa together to see our families. Thinking we'd spend some more time together. But with his leg, he was basically immobile and spent the days on the couch at his parents. The travel day was the last day I saw him.

He pushed his flight back to Asia a week to recuperate the leg. 15 hour flight to Asia on Monday, 3/31. I text with him yesterday afternoon, he's jetlagged, says he's going into work, there's room in the cube to elevate his leg.

Fast forward to last night, I find out he collapsed at work, and is on a ECMO machine, that they believed it was a pulmonary embolism - blood clot - and that it looked grim. Wake up this morning to the dreaded news that he did not make it.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling yet. I reckon it will be a broad range of emotions, observations and reflections. But I thought writing some stuff down and sharing here might help.

T's and P's.

So very sorry to hear of the loss of your friend @ThorneStockton that's really rough

Life doesn't make much sense sometimes, my sincerest sympathies to you and your friend's family and friends.

 

[jasonrann]

Lost a friend and coworker about ten years ago from the same thing. She and I were the same age. Scary shite. Being on blood thinners myself, I hate hearing stories like this. Stay strong, brother. Take comfort in knowing you were/are a great friend and he took that with him.

 

[artradley]

That is absolutely tragic. I am so sorry for you and his family.

 

[noStemsnoSTICKS]

So sorry, man. Truly.

It's probably been said already, but in case it wasn't, everybody grieves their own way, and at their own pace. There's no right or wrong way, and there's no timeline. Grief will hit you at the weirdest times. My advice is to embrace it, and not run from it.

 

[jonesy5960]

Yeah, it's a mixed bag. I feel fortunate that I was able to see him recently, but regret the squandered opportunity to do it more, but who can plan for these things?

And I'm fortunate that there was frequent contact, yet still feels weird that one minute he's griping about a loud kid on the flight and the parents barely did anything, and the jet lag.

And then a few hours later I ask him how he'd adjusting to the jet lag? And that message will be left unread forever.

You will always remember your last opportunities to interact with him. It sounds like they were positive. I had a very good friend who was going through a very tough time with what we were told was a benign brain tumor. We were speaking on the phone and he had some kind of tremor that made him unable to speak for a moment. As we said goodbye I hung up and sat in my car and cried. After I gathered myself I drove home in a panic trying to get a flight out to see him. My brother who had just spent time with him told me he was doing OK and not to worry. Two days later he was gone. I regret not going and am angry with myself to this day. Just remember that your time with your friend was just as valuable to him as it was to you. You were both fortunate to have it. Savor those memories.

 

[SF HAWKEYE]

Ugh... sorry to hear OP. I've lost 5 of my best friends (more like brothers) over the past 8 years. 4 were between 40-42 yrs old. One was 48. I did the planning and Eulogies for 3 of them and it really sucks.

One I was his best man in his wedding and two weeks later he died in a motorcycle accident. That one hurt the most. I have never cried that hard in my life and my kids had never seen me cry.

Just know that he is in paradise and is looking down on you.

 

[bcherod]

This will be a strange one for me. I'm in my middle 30's but have surprisingly little experience with real grief. All my grandparents are dead, I tragically lost a cousin, but I wasn't particularly close with them, their deaths were not particularly impactful on me. I suspect this will be different.

My friend was closer than extended family. Elementary, high school, college together. Dormmates. Spring break mates, travel mates, family friends, drinking buddies, shared interests, humor, mutual respect. Mostly peaks, very few valleys over a long friendship.

We lived in the same city until he married in the Fall of 2022 and moved with his wife to Asia for an Embassy posting. We'd text basically everyday when the time zones aligned. He came back for my wedding in the Summer of 2023.

I saw him next just a couple of weeks ago. He was in DC for a training, ended up walking several miles in poor footwear and developed what he thought was a stress fracture. He came to Chicago over St Pats and good times were had. We traveled back to Iowa together to see our families. Thinking we'd spend some more time together. But with his leg, he was basically immobile and spent the days on the couch at his parents. The travel day was the last day I saw him.

He pushed his flight back to Asia a week to recuperate the leg. 15 hour flight to Asia on Monday, 3/31. I text with him yesterday afternoon, he's jetlagged, says he's going into work, there's room in the cube to elevate his leg.

Fast forward to last night, I find out he collapsed at work, and is on a ECMO machine, that they believed it was a pulmonary embolism - blood clot - and that it looked grim. Wake up this morning to the dreaded news that he did not make it.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling yet. I reckon it will be a broad range of emotions, observations and reflections. But I thought writing some stuff down and sharing here might help.

T's and P's.

So much I could say. It’s hard

Read Wordsworth Ode to Intimations of Immortality.

We have to find joy in what remains behind.

 

[bcherod]

Damn, that’s rough. I’m not sure posting on a random message board is necessarily therapeutic, but maybe. Where I work we have a peer support group that has helped folks deal with loss, addiction, serious illness diagnosis, trauma etc. Not sure where you work or if you have an HR or Risk Management Department, but many have resources including grief counselors, case managers, or psychologists that can be referred. My employer floats the bill. It may be worth looking into, but do whatever you can to not suffer in silence.

Take care brother and God Bless.

It has to be the right people. There are tons of people, friends that empathize, but it just has to be the right ones that can make one feel better.

Six months after my husband died, my niece told me to get over it, that I wasn’t the only person who had ever lost someone.

That’s about the cruelest thing someone can say to another.

Everyone has their own way of processing grief. There’s no timeline on it.

 

[NoleATL]

Damn man, just seeing this. I'm very sorry...

 

[Urohawk]

So it sounds like he may have been misdiagnosed. That's very unfortunate. Mentioning the flights would have been helpful in any diagnostic process but we can only guess as to what if anything might have changed the outcome. DVT's are diagnosed with physical examinations and ultrasound. Once diagnosed they are often effectively treated with blood thinners. I personally know 2 men today in their 40's and 50's that have been treated for DVT's in the past year. Both are still on blood thinners.

Can't remember if your a doc but this answer is more to the OP. Ultrasound is the gold standard. The problem is if you have an injury in the leg and then you sit on a flight, the clot can form very quickly. May not have been suspicious when the doc saw him but then formed over the flight. For example, we know people who form them during surgery can get them as little as an hour after lying on the table.

 

[Urohawk]

My only advice I can give is the following, having lost my mom 7 months ago.

1. The pain gets better with time. It doesn't go away, but it does get better.
2. As hard as the pain is, it never outweighs the great memories you'll have with him.
3. Spontaneous crying will be hard. Shit will just hit you. Someone will say something like, "me and the guys went out last weekend" and you will fall apart. It's ok.
4. You can still talk with him. It helps. They always listen.
5. I haven't lost a close friend, but I've spoke with others who have. See what you can do to help his wife and if he has any kids. Check on them now, but also in the future. He would want you to do so. If he has kids, they will be younger. Write a book of their Dad's memory. Keep in touch. You know who there dad was. They will want to get to know him. Jordan Peterson has been controversial as of late but his advice is sound:

It is necessary to be strong in the face of death, because death is intrinsic to life. It is for this reason that I tell my students: aim to be the person at your father’s funeral that everyone, in their grief and misery, can rely on. There’s a worthy and noble ambition: strength in the face of adversity.​

Your friend will want you to help his family. It's difficult, but will be a way to channel your grief into a positive form. He will want you to help them now and for years to come.

 

[so cal hawkfan]

It has to be the right people. There are tons of people, friends that empathize, but it just has to be the right ones that can make one feel better.

Six months after my husband died, my niece told me to get over it, that I wasn’t the only person who had ever lost someone.

That’s about the cruelest thing someone can say to another.

Everyone has their own way of processing grief. There’s no timeline on it.

Ooof, that’s rough. I’m sorry that happened to you.