How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I know this sounds insane and probably fake, but I can’t get it out of my head and need some kind of reality check, if not your guarded approval to move forward.
My fiancé (straight man) and I (newly out bi woman) are getting married near the end of this year. We’ve been together for almost two years, and it’s been an incredible sexual awakening for me. Basically, I was raised in a very conservative, sex-negative home and felt so much shame about sex as a young teen (my mother caught me masturbating and told not only my father and siblings, but also extended family, friends, and members of our church) that I totally repressed my desires and actually thought I might be asexual for several years. I was also on high doses of a couple of medications known to lower libido. Shortly before I met my fiancé, I switched meds under the guidance of my therapist and doctor—and learned I’m definitely not asexual. Then I got together with my fiancé, who has been a pretty much perfect match sexually for me in terms of our fantasies, turn-ons, boundaries, etc. When I finally admitted to myself that I was bi, he was super supportive and gave me space to explore without acting threatened or creepy. We’ve had a couple of threesomes with women I met, which were fun for everyone involved.
Here’s the deal: I’ve known since almost the start about his ex, “Anne.” She was his “once-in-a-lifetime sex” relationship before I came along and gets a lot of credit for helping him become the guy who now rocks my world in bed. They broke up amicably and have remained friends—not close-close, but they’ll like each other’s posts. I am not jealous; that’s not what this is about.
On the contrary, after having heard about some of their sexual escapades and checking out her pics on Instagram, I’ve been fantasizing about her. A LOT. (She’s bi too.) I’ve hinted about it to my fiancé, but he has no idea that she’s at the center of what’s been my go-to fantasy for a few months now. Basically, it started out as a threesome fantasy, became a cuckquean fantasy, and has evolved into a full-blown scenario in which she attends our wedding and essentially steals my fiancé/husband from me in front of everyone at the reception (taking the first dance with him before dragging him off to bed, me following behind like a puppy). It gets weirder from there, but you get the gist.
Obviously, I don’t want this to come true. But I do want to invite Anne to our wedding. If we did, I would want to float the idea of her joining my fiancé and me in our “marital bed” on our wedding night. I feel very sure I wouldn’t be jealous, and it feels like it would be a way to make the night memorable and fun. (Since we’re not very “romantic” as a couple, I’m not expecting our wedding-night sex to be all fireworks and flowers; I’m pretty sure it will be just like the sex we usually have, which is wonderful, but not “special.”) Assuming she was up for that, I would raise the idea of her lightly cucking me too. Can I bring this up? If so … how?
Dear Red Wedding,
Thank you for the disclaimer, but this is hardly the most out-there letter I’ve seen sent in to this column. It’s practically quaint compared to some. No offense! You transgress great, I promise.
My immediate reaction is less to the uniqueness of your scenario and more to the clarity with which you describe it and the confidence I feel that you are pointed in the right direction. I see no reason to avoid bringing this up with your fiancé. You broke tradition when you agreed to nonmonogamy, and there is no need to bust out the Scotch tape to put it back together for the sake of having a “proper” wedding night. Float it by him cautiously. Keep in mind that because the wedding night is such a momentous occasion in our culture (and many others), even he could be freaked out or otherwise not interested. Be prepared to accept that.
The same goes, doubly, for “Anne.” Your fiancé knows her better than you and can advise on proceeding, if he’s down. Depending on her sensitivity, just asking her might be too much of an imposition and dash any chances of her joining you in a less-storied scenario. Making this request amounts to playing with fire, which means the payoff will be that much sweeter. And even in the worst-case scenario, in which you offend her and turn her off permanently, you still have the option to meet more women and play with them. It might not be on your wedding bed, but I’m sure that there’s a nice girl out there to cuck you yet.