Elderly parents and absentee siblings

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

I’m not dealing with this (yet), but my wife has been handling all sorts of aging-related issues for her parents over the past couple years and her sister has this “if I don’t think about it it’s not reality.” My wife has given up trying to bring her into the conversations because her contribution is usually something like “We will be praying it all works out.” Annoys the hell out of m

Anyone dealing/dealt with something similar?

CSB

 

[noStemsnoSTICKS]

My wife is dealing with something very similar. And her siblings live two states away. This year they both visited their mom and were in shock when they realized her decline. She's 88. Siblings have seen her since she was 82. A lot of decline happens in a person's 80s. Especially if they've suffered a spill or two, or any kind of trauma.

 

[95Hawk]

Fun story: my 85 year old dad passed away on Monday in Des Moines. I’m in Nashville and when I heard he was in the ICU and not well, I booked a late afternoon direct flight to DSM. My dad passed away while I was in the air.

I meanwhile have a brother in Dallas and one in South Florida. While they’ve been helpful the last 2 days, they’re not physically here going through arrangements and paperwork.

In addition, our mom is 81 and still lives in central Iowa and totaled her 2nd car in 30 months 2 weeks ago. As it happens, we picked up a new (to her) car yesterday and it’s up to me to tell her how Sirius works (amongst other things).

So…yeah…I’m a little overwhelmed.

 

[InsaneHawkJJP]

How close do you live to the parents vs the sister?

I live 3 hrs away from my parents and my siblings live 30 mins away so they deal with my mom’s health issues.

 

[WSC72]

Yes. My advice would be to continue to communicate with her sister and make sure she is aware of all health issues with their parents. Via email might be best.

IF you are spending a lot of money, traveling back and forth to help parents out document it.

If they are giving you money for helping out document it and show how it is related to the expenses you are incurring

 

[alaskanseminole]

I’m not dealing with this (yet), but my wife has been handling all sorts of aging-related issues for her parents over the past couple years and her sister has this “if I don’t think about it it’s not reality.” My wife has given up trying to bring her into the conversations because her contribution is usually something like “We will be praying it all works out.” Annoys the hell out of m

Anyone dealing/dealt with something similar?

CSB

Only child here, so piss off. Just kidding.

 

[McLovin32]

Fortunately, no. My SIL no pics is a real piece of work though. But haven't had to deal with anything like this.

 

[McLovin32]

Fun story: my 85 year old dad passed away on Monday in Des Moines. I’m in Nashville and when I heard he was in the ICU and not well, I booked a late afternoon direct flight to DSM. My dad passed away while I was in the air.

I meanwhile have a brother in Dallas and one in South Florida. While they’ve been helpful the last 2 days, they’re not physically here going through arrangements and paperwork.

In addition, our mom is 81 and still lives in central Iowa and totaled her 2nd car in 30 months 2 weeks ago. As it happens, we picked up a new (to her) car yesterday and it’s up to me to tell her how Sirius works (amongst other things).

So…yeah…I’m a little overwhelmed.

Sorry for your loss, man.

 

[millah_22]

Fortunately, no. My SIL no pics is a real piece of work though. But haven't had to deal with anything like this.

this is why i'm absolutely lost on how you won POTY

 

[noStemsnoSTICKS]

Fun story: my 85 year old dad passed away on Monday in Des Moines. I’m in Nashville and when I heard he was in the ICU and not well, I booked a late afternoon direct flight to DSM. My dad passed away while I was in the air.

I meanwhile have a brother in Dallas and one in South Florida. While they’ve been helpful the last 2 days, they’re not physically here going through arrangements and paperwork.

In addition, our mom is 81 and still lives in central Iowa and totaled her 2nd car in 30 months 2 weeks ago. As it happens, we picked up a new (to her) car yesterday and it’s up to me to tell her how Sirius works (amongst other things).

So…yeah…I’m a little overwhelmed.

Sorry man. That's tough.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

How close do you live to the parents vs the sister?

I live 3 hrs away from my parents and my siblings live 30 mins away so they deal with my mom’s health issues.

it’s a day plane trip door to door for either of them

 

[McLovin32]

this is why i'm absolutely lost on how you won POTY

 

[95Hawk]

Sorry for your loss, man.

Thank you.

As a tip do not let your elderly parents draw up a will using Form Swift. Last wishes and wills should not be left up to amateurs. It was so laughably bad that thank god it was never witnessed or notarized.

An earlier version we have is in effect. Praise Jeebus

 

[millah_22]

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

Yes. My advice would be to continue to communicate with her sister and make sure she is aware of all health issues with their parents. Via email might be best.

IF you are spending a lot of money, traveling back and forth to help parents out document it.

If they are giving you money for helping out document it and show how it is related to the expenses you are incurring

They are “retired” and big evangelicals and heavily into MLM. You can guess the political persuasion.

They are tighter than tight with money. Have never offered to pay for a dinner in 30+ years.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

They from Sioux County?

I don’t know where that is but sounds like you know the type.

 

[millah_22]

I don’t know where that is but sounds like you know the type.

they're "dutch"

 

[uihawk82]

I’m not dealing with this (yet), but my wife has been handling all sorts of aging-related issues for her parents over the past couple years and her sister has this “if I don’t think about it it’s not reality.” My wife has given up trying to bring her into the conversations because her contribution is usually something like “We will be praying it all works out.” Annoys the hell out of m

Anyone dealing/dealt with something similar?

CSB

That is a tough situation your wife has. My sister, wife and I are helping our niece who is having some problems. It takes a lot of help when even one parent is having issues. We had a lot of people to help my dad during his dementia. It is tough. I hope you get more help.

 

[WSC72]

they're "dutch"

If if you aren’t you ain’t much

 

[millah_22]

If if you aren’t you ain’t much

I used to go to OC a lot for 1, movie theatre, 2, their DMV was much better run than LeMars'.

 

[WSC72]

I used to go to OC a lot for 1, movie theatre, 2, their DMV was much better run than LeMars'.

And they have really pretty, tall, Dutch girls

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

And they have really pretty, tall, Dutch girls

Good running form? That’s the real question

 

[WSC72]

Good running form? That’s the real question

I do hope your situation gets better. Sorry for going OT.

I can stress from experience that it is important to keep communicating, especially via email.

 

[BelemNole]

I live near my parents so I do a lot of random things for them. Took my mom to Drs apts last week.
When something big goes on my older brother and sister come to town to help out. They're mostly retired so they can spend a week or more here helping.
My younger brother is eager to help....but he lives in a constant swirling chaos in his household. Which is fine for him, but he likes to bring the whole family when he comes up and doesn't realize that it exhaust my mom as they tear thru. He means well, but he is just so clueless about the impact it has on my parents. I told him once and we didn't talk for 6 months. He's just 'nose blind' to the madness that swirls around them.

 

[stanzithemanzi12]

I’m not dealing with this (yet), but my wife has been handling all sorts of aging-related issues for her parents over the past couple years and her sister has this “if I don’t think about it it’s not reality.” My wife has given up trying to bring her into the conversations because her contribution is usually something like “We will be praying it all works out.” Annoys the hell out of m

Anyone dealing/dealt with something similar?

CSB

Take it out of sister's inheritance.

 

[McLovin32]

I will say, that my sis no pics is kinda shitty when it comes to helping out with my dad. He gets around fine, lives by himself in central Iowa. But the last few years he's had a few surgeries that require someone to be with him for a couple days to make sure he's all good. Anyways, like 10 years ago he had a surgery and I helped him out for a few days.
So like 3 years ago, he has to have another surgery and she volunteers to take time off work and help him. When my dad told me that, I chuckled because I knew she was full of shit so I took the days off work anyways. Then boom, 3 days prior to the surgery, she's begging me that "something came up" and she can't do it (she was unaware I had already taken the days off in preparation for this). And now that's happened each of the last 3 surgeries for him. Turns out each time "something came up" it was her going out of town to do something fun, not anything that could have kept her from helping out.

Anyways, she's slowly working herself into getting less and less of an inheritance because of that nonsense/csb

That's the only thing I can think of that comes kinda close to what OP is describing.

 

[OutbackBowl2017]

I will say, that my sis no pics is kinda shitty when it comes to helping out with my dad. He gets around fine, lives by himself in central Iowa. But the last few years he's had a few surgeries that require someone to be with him for a couple days to make sure he's all good. Anyways, like 10 years ago he had a surgery and I helped him out for a few days.
So like 3 years ago, he has to have another surgery and she volunteers to take time off work and help him. When my dad told me that, I chuckled because I knew she was full of shit so I took the days off work anyways. Then boom, 3 days prior to the surgery, she's begging me that "something came up" and she can't do it (she was unaware I had already taken the days off in preparation for this). And now that's happened each of the last 3 surgeries for him. Turns out each time "something came up" it was her going out of town to do something fun, not anything that could have kept her from helping out.

Anyways, she's slowly working herself into getting less and less of an inheritance because of that nonsense/csb

That's the only thing I can think of that comes kinda close to what OP is describing.

I tell my kids now that they can be written out of the trust at anytime just to mess with them.

 

[Hawk_4shur]

My mother and father both passed in the last decade, but they lived only a couple of miles away from me so I was the primary family care giver. That's fine, it had it's own rewards and heartbreak. But my two brothers lived relatively close by - both about 2+ hours away. They did nothing. One brother would at least visit once a year and call once a month, but the other brother was almost completely out of the picture. One visit in 10 years. Maybe an annual phone call.

M wife (no pics) spent hours helping my parents. In fact, while I was still working she did the bulk of the family care giving for them.

Of course, I handled the estate and the funerals, without help from my wonderful bros. I didn't even get phone calls thanking me or asking if there was anything they could do. It just wasn't their problem.

My parents did everything they could to help my brothers and got zero in return. It will piss me off for the rest of my days,

 

[DirtyJohns97]

My mother and father both passed in the last decade, but they lived only a couple of miles away from me so I was the primary family care giver. That's fine, it had it's own rewards and heartbreak. But my two brothers lived relatively close by - both about 2+ hours away. They did nothing. One brother would at least visit once a year and call once a month, but the other brother was almost completely out of the picture. One visit in 10 years. Maybe an annual phone call.

M wife (no pics) spent hours helping my parents. In fact, while I was still working she did the bulk of the family care giving for them.

Of course, I handled the estate and the funerals, without help from my wonderful bros. I didn't even get phone calls thanking me or asking if there was anything they could do. It just wasn't their problem.

My parents did everything they could to help my brothers and got zero in return. It will piss me off for the rest of my days,

 

[tarheelbybirth]

Fun story: my 85 year old dad passed away on Monday in Des Moines. I’m in Nashville and when I heard he was in the ICU and not well, I booked a late afternoon direct flight to DSM. My dad passed away while I was in the air.

I meanwhile have a brother in Dallas and one in South Florida. While they’ve been helpful the last 2 days, they’re not physically here going through arrangements and paperwork.

In addition, our mom is 81 and still lives in central Iowa and totaled her 2nd car in 30 months 2 weeks ago. As it happens, we picked up a new (to her) car yesterday and it’s up to me to tell her how Sirius works (amongst other things).

So…yeah…I’m a little overwhelmed.

Sorry for your loss. Even if it's expected, it still leaves a hole in your life.

 

[IIowaFarmBoy]

Went thru this with both my parents and my wife's parents.

Siblings stayed away because the "sacrificial child" drove everyone away with a "My Way or the Highway" mentality. They make life very difficult for others to come across as the "good" child.

I have worked as a farm trust officer and still advise a lot of farm families. I see this type of situation a lot.

 

[IIowaFarmBoy]

I tell my kids now that they can be written out of the trust at anytime just to mess with them.

That's actually pretty good.

 

[IIowaFarmBoy]

Thank you.

As a tip do not let your elderly parents draw up a will using Form Swift. Last wishes and wills should not be left up to amateurs. It was so laughably bad that thank god it was never witnessed or notarized.

An earlier version we have is in effect. Praise Jeebus

Tough dealing with this. Parents often don't think through consequences and family impacts. Oft they chose the wrong executor/trustee.

But yes, you are correct. I would add to hire someone that knows what they are doing. Many do not though licensed.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

Take it out of sister's inheritance.

There is nothing much, which is how it should be.

 

[General Tso]

I live about 6 hours away but try to visit as much as possible. A sibling lives in the same town, so he handles a lot of the day to day. I contribute most of my chunk on the financial side (materials for house repairs, home monitoring, paying parents' cell bill). Parents are pretty much in financial dire straits from bad money decisions in life.

 

[Mister_Man]

My dad moved into my sister's house. It went very well for the most part but could sometimes be difficult for various reasons. I suggested she take a good chunk of change for rent each month. 2,500 is far less than going to an assisted living apartment. That helped weather a potential storm until he passed away. With that said, I think the sibling who is doing more work should have more of the assets whether it is drawn up in the will or paid out before passing.

 

[goldmom]

I’m not dealing with this (yet), but my wife has been handling all sorts of aging-related issues for her parents over the past couple years and her sister has this “if I don’t think about it it’s not reality.” My wife has given up trying to bring her into the conversations because her contribution is usually something like “We will be praying it all works out.” Annoys the hell out of m

Anyone dealing/dealt with something similar?

CSB

You know, I think this happens in EVERY family and it’s always something of a surprise when it does. My youngest sibling and his adult
children never visited my Mom, never went by the retirement home and took her for a ride even to get a Coke at Sonic or somewhere and just catch up.
It’s like he couldn’t handle seeing her decline so he stayed away. We all live near each other so there was no excuse for that.
Just don’t be shocked if you have a similar situation.

 

[funksouljon]

I've heard so many stories like this about folks n families. I cannot imagine. My brother is one of my best friends and I can't imagine either of us screwing over the other. Just a level of disfunction I don't understand and am lucky to not have to deal with.

Feel bad for those of you who do.

 

[ICWestfan]

I’m not dealing with this (yet), but my wife has been handling all sorts of aging-related issues for her parents over the past couple years and her sister has this “if I don’t think about it it’s not reality.” My wife has given up trying to bring her into the conversations because her contribution is usually something like “We will be praying it all works out.” Annoys the hell out of m

Anyone dealing/dealt with something similar?

CSB

Yes, our family is dealing with it. No details other than to say it's very hard to deal with aging parents, especially when family is far removed from the situation. Suffice to say I need to visit my Dad, but with obligations, Dr's appts, life, it's been difficult. He is declining quickly.

Dealing with the FIL was slightly better, we were only 2+ hours away and he was in a nursing home. The BIL was 2 hours away so we were able to split runs to visit, or take him to Dr's appts, or do whatever was needed.

I'll finish by saying it behooves anyone reading this thread to make sure your financial house is in order. Whether you go unexpectedly or linger on, you should make sure everything is in order so when you do go, it is easy for the survivors.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

You know, I think this happens in EVERY family and it’s always something of a surprise when it does. My youngest sibling and his adult
children never visited my Mom, never went by the retirement home and took her for a ride even to get a Coke at Sonic or somewhere and just catch up.
It’s like he couldn’t handle seeing her decline so he stayed away. We all live near each other so there was no excuse for that.
Just don’t be shocked if you have a similar situation.

I get it, but in this case it’s not that she’s not in contact. Her sister talks and texts with their mom multiple times daily. She’s just perfectly content to let my wife do all the heavy lifting. The financial stuff, unwinding all the crap from when her second husband passed away, helping manage the medical issues, etc etc.

But my SIL is sure praying for everyone!