Funeral Arrangement Advice

[Breastman]

Brother-in-law dropped dead of a heart attack yesterday. His wife is obviously beside herself. No will or pre-arranged funeral plans.

We're heading down to the funeral home tomorrow. Zero experience in this field. He won't be cremated.

Any advice from those that have done this? Thanks

 

[jasonrann]

Wow, I am very sorry for you, your wife and family during this awful time. May he rest in peace.

Sister and I had to take lead on dad's funeral 11 years ago. It is a fooking racket and expensive as hell. If I can offer one bit of advice it's this. Know what it will cost before you agree to anything. As I suspect it is for most, it was a blur for us when we went through it. The Funeral Director will literally agree to do anything you need. Services, casket, a vault, flowers, food, pastors, soloist, etc. It all costs way more than you think. We had a pretty modest deal for my dad and it was still $18,000. That was small town NW Iowa prices too.

There are going to be a lot of people around the next week or so. People will be bringing food, offering to help, etc. After services are done, they go away and reality sets in and the grieving really starts. The last thing the family needs is a surprise enormous bill.

Good luck, brother.

Edit - The director at the funeral home we used was a good friend of my sister. While we weren't happy with the total cost, he let us make payments while the estate was being settled. Stretched it over 10 months which was a huge help.

 

[ICWestfan]

Take charge, assist your sister but make sure she doesn't make emotional decisions. Meeting with the funeral director is first priority, but she'll have to meet with the lawyer post haste. Probate can be a bitch. Hold her hand, let her seem like she is making important decisions, but make them for her.

 

[Ferentz_Fan]

GOD Bless your family.

 

[fredjr82]

Brother-in-law dropped dead of a heart attack yesterday. His wife is obviously beside herself. No will or pre-arranged funeral plans.

We're heading down to the funeral home tomorrow. Zero experience in this field. He won't be cremated.

Any advice from those that have done this? Thanks

Sold cemetery plots out of college. Funeral homes and cemeteries (20 years ago) had what the industry called "pre-need" vs "at-need". At Need as you can imagine is a lot more and preys on those folks who weren't proactive.

Expect to get a plot of some sort, vault, casket, headstone, etc. For just those things they were $10,000, twenty years ago in your situation. Payment up front, no financing. Try to talk the wife into cremation if possible otherwise she's going to get milked

 

[ICWestfan]

Also, a pine box for $650 is just the same as a walnut box for $10k. When the MIL passed, FIL was a hot mess, he spent $25K on the MIL's funeral. It's what he wanted, we tried to discourage him, but he was emotionally disinvested and wouldn't listen to his family/children.

Be reasonable, expect decisions based on emotion, and be comforting but reasonable. Explain, don't demand. Expect emotional outbursts. Try not to be hasty in arrangements, try to convince sister to take the long approach.

 

[Bearhawk0505]

Don’t waste money on a funeral at all. Just have a celebration of life.

 

[fredjr82]

For those reading this thread? Get your shit bought and paid for. Plan your own end and then pay for it like you do a house or car (monthly). Then when you die, the funeral home and cemetery have everything documented. You get what you want, your loved ones show up and grieve, and nobody has to worry about money or decisions. It's a tough thing to talk about but don't be selfish, you're going to die

 

[goldmom]

Sorry for your loss OP. 2025 marks 20 years ago I lost my hubby in a “here one second gone the next” cardiac arrest.
Funerals are for those who are left behind. If a nice service is a comfort to the relatives then by all means you won’t regret it.
Sincerest condolences.

 

[jasonrann]

For those reading this thread? Get your shit bought and paid for. Plan your own end and then pay for it like you do a house or car (monthly). Then when you die, the funeral home and cemetery have everything documented. You get what you want, your loved ones show up and grieve, and nobody has to worry about money or decisions. It's a tough thing to talk about but don't be selfish, you're going to die

One of the first things we did after dad died was to sit mom down, go through all of this and pay for it. There is no worse time to have to make decisions about services than immediately after someone passes. Time has stopped for you, but it goes on for everyone else.

 

[fredjr82]

One of the first things we did after dad died was to sit mom down, go through all of this and pay for it. There is no worse time to have to make decisions about services than immediately after someone passes. Time has stopped for you, but it goes on for everyone else.

Exactly right. Let me tell you too, funeral homes and cemeteries don't want you to do it proactively. They make soooo much more when you need their services reactively (price and emotionally).

 

[BrianNole777]

Brother-in-law dropped dead of a heart attack yesterday. His wife is obviously beside herself. No will or pre-arranged funeral plans.

We're heading down to the funeral home tomorrow. Zero experience in this field. He won't be cremated.

Any advice from those that have done this? Thanks

Sorry for your loss.

My only advice is to shop around.

Good luck.

 

[Urohawk]

Don’t waste money on a funeral at all. Just have a celebration of life.

Unless there is religion involved. My buddy just lost his wife a year ago. He put up her picture, invited friends to a coffee shop they rented out, and everyone said their words. Cheap, respectful, and people were able to come and go.

 

[jasonrann]

Exactly right. Let me tell you too, funeral homes and cemeteries don't want you to do it proactively. They make soooo much more when you need their services reactively (price and emotionally).

They sure got us. Can't tell you how many times we just said "yeah that sounds good" or "that will work" without asking about prices on everything. We just wanted to get the hell out of there.

 

[BrianNole777]

Unless there is religion involved. My buddy just lost his wife a year ago. He put up her picture, invited friends to a coffee shop they rented out, and everyone said their words. Cheap, respectful, and people were able to come and go.

What happened to her body?

@Breastman could have a Church service for cheap, if needed.

 

[The Tradition]

 

[tarheelbybirth]

Don’t waste money on a funeral at all. Just have a celebration of life.

Party at the brewery. Put my ashes in a growler in the center of the table.

 

[The Tradition]

My mother's ashes were spread along the shoreline of her favorite beach and my father's ashes were scattered on the top of the NC mountain where he lived at the end of his life.

That's a lot better than being buried in a hole somewhere, IMHO.

 

[Urohawk]

What happened to her body?

@Breastman could have a Church service for cheap, if needed.

She was cremated and buried. No graveside service

 

[BrianNole777]

She was cremated and buried.

How much did that cost?

 

[Urohawk]

How much did that cost?

May be 6K total

 

[lucas80]

Take charge, assist your sister but make sure she doesn't make emotional decisions. Meeting with the funeral director is first priority, but she'll have to meet with the lawyer post haste. Probate can be a bitch. Hold her hand, let her seem like she is making important decisions, but make them for her.

Maybe, maybe not. It depends on state laws mostly. It will require some paperwork, but with the spouse surviving it should be clean unless there are debts or heirs with legitimate claims to things like shared property such as a farm. But, even a farm would have the deceased's share go to the spouse. Something like a child from another woman or an ex wife could cause issues.

 

[lucas80]

Brother-in-law dropped dead of a heart attack yesterday. His wife is obviously beside herself. No will or pre-arranged funeral plans.

We're heading down to the funeral home tomorrow. Zero experience in this field. He won't be cremated.

Any advice from those that have done this? Thanks

If he won't be cremated, it sounds like the wife has made some decisions. As mentioned by others it's a racket. In the end if they perform their services well it isn't as much of an issue, but there is basically no negotiating for any of their services beyond a payment plan. Also as mentioned, do not be upsold on a casket or marker.

 

[BrianNole777]

May be 6K total

6K is cheap?

You must have HBOT type wealth.

 

[The-Dude-Abides]

Highly recommend the pre-planning others have suggested. Takes a heavy burden off your loved ones. Cremation is much more affordable and recommended unless you have a moral or religious objection to it. Prepay if possible, especially if you're going the fancy casket and cemetery plot route.

FYI for anyone in Iowa: they passed a bill about a decade ago that doesn't allow you to make any binding plans for your remains in a will or the like. All you can do is designate a person or persons who will have sole legal authority to decide what happens to your remains. And importantly, it needs to be appended to or included within a health care power of attorney (this is in Iowa; mileage may vary elsewhere).

A health care POA is something that EVERYONE 18 or older absolutely needs to have. EVERYONE. Have your adult children do one even if they're young. There was a brutal story recently about a college student who got roofied and ran into traffic, horrible injuries, and her parents had no legal authority to make decisions as she lay in a vegetative state.

I draft them in consolidated form this way:
-health care POA (name an agent to make care decisions for you when you're incapacitated)
-advance directive (a/k/a living will--specific instructions about end of life decisions for your agent)
-final remains designation.

All in one easy document that you can upload to MyChart or whatever, and it's a part of your EMR. Do it now if you haven't already. Talking to an actual human lawyer is best, but there are some bar forms or cookie cutter online templates that might get close to want you want to achieve.

 

[Gimmered]

Brother-in-law dropped dead of a heart attack yesterday. His wife is obviously beside herself. No will or pre-arranged funeral plans.

We're heading down to the funeral home tomorrow. Zero experience in this field. He won't be cremated.

Any advice from those that have done this? Thanks

I've done this for both of my parents, when we all saw the right casket we all knew it. The director will make it all comfortable.

 

[Urohawk]

6K is cheap?

You must have HBOT type wealth.

I didn't say cheap. Cremation is still a racket. My mom last summer was
3800 cremation
134 obiturary
700 burial
800 reception

You sickos who like moms and dead hookers (wide net on HBOT) can find her in the Waterloo Catholic Cemetary.

 

[fredjr82]

I didn't say cheap. Cremation is still a racket. My mom last summer was
3800 cremation
134 obiturary
700 burial
800 reception

You sickos who like moms and dead hookers (wide net on HBOT) can find her in the Waterloo Catholic Cemetary.

Did my time at Garden of Memories a couple decades ago in Waterloo. Never again, but did give me valuable insight. I much prefer IT. AI can even write my obit

 

[IIowaFarmBoy]

You didn’t say how old he was. Makes a difference. Quick funerals are terribly stressful in an unexpected death.

You didn’t say the financial situation.makes a difference.

If younger expect her to be in a fog and struggling with decisions.

Do a lot of listening.