Employee recently notified me they are transgender

[CaboKP]

One of my employees informed me they are transgender.

We were discussing normal work and I generally keep the mood light especially if an employee is doing good work. I touch on a few key points, but I try to be positive regardless of topic.

When they told me, I was completely caught off guard and I know I paused for a few seconds before I told them, "I have their back and will do anything needed. The rest of the leadership team will provide 100% support and no one will judge or say anything negative".

We continue chatting discussing their new name and their timeline.

I could tell it took all their strength to tell me. It hit me how difficult it must be to live in their shoes. They mentioned feeling suicidal urges as early as 5 years old.

Has anyone helped someone through a similar situation? Also, what can I say to help? I've started conversations with HR members for guidance, but HORT seems to know a bit about everything.

 

[The Tradition]

One of my employees informed me they are transgender.

We were discussing normal work and I generally keep the mood light especially if an employee is doing good work. I touch on a few key points, but I try to be positive regardless of topic.

When they told me, I was completely caught off guard and I know I paused for a few seconds before I told them, "I have their back and will do anything needed. The rest of the leadership team will provide 100% support and no one will judge or say anything negative".

We continue chatting discussing their new name and their timeline.

I could tell it took all their strength to tell me. It hit me how difficult it must be to live in their shoes. They mentioned feeling suicidal urges as early as 5 years old.

Has anyone helped someone through a similar situation? Also, what can I say to help? I've started conversations with HR members for guidance, but HORT seems to know a bit about everything.

You seem to be doing just fine.

From an HR standpoint, it should be all about performance anyway. Not how this employee identifies.

 

[CaboKP]

You seem to be doing just fine.

From an HR standpoint, it should be all about performance anyway. Not how this employee identifies.

I agree, performance is how they are rated, but I expect I'll help with communication. That is where I'd like guidance.

 

[The Tradition]

I agree, performance is how they are rated, but I expect I'll help with communication. That is where I'd like guidance.

You will need to insist that others use this employee's preferred pronouns and do not engage in any sort of behavior that could be perceived as "pervasive or severe" harassment based on this employee's gender identity/expression.

Depending on your workplace, that may or may not be a difficult task.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

Sounds like you did great! Thanks for not being a Kid Rock.

 

[CaboKP]

You will need to insist that others use this employee's preferred pronouns and do not engage in any sort of behavior that could be perceived as "pervasive or severe" harassment based on this employee's gender identity/expression.

Depending on your workplace, that may or may not be a difficult task.

That is helpful, I am optimistic people are understanding.
The restroom is one situation I have concerns. Just because people can be a-holes.

 

[thewop]

If they're cool with it ..

Give them a new offer letter to start in 2 weeks. Take a 2 weeks notice from their old identity and treat their final 2 weeks however they like (do they want to leave right away, or work out their two weeks? Do they want to have a going away party as their old self?).

Then the new identity starts in 2 weeks and hits the ground running. Forward their old email address to the new, etc.

If they're in sales or have contact with regular clients, they can call their clients and introduce themselves as the new rep (or however they want based on their relationship).

Out with the old, in with the new. Cleaner the cut the better.

As for other employees who will naturally be a little weirded out...remind them of whatever counciling/mental health services they have available to them (subtly, just have HR send a well being reminder email and drop the necessary details to obtain counseling).

As an employee, I'd consider something like that, but let them be your guide as to what they were comfortable with. Also ensure they know counseling resources are available.

I've made some assumptions about the size of your company there, but hopefully you have those tools available.

 

[The Tradition]

That is helpful, I am optimistic people are understanding.
The restroom is one situation I have concerns. Just because people can be a-holes.

What state is this employee employed in? Or even city? There are more-strict state and municipal regulations than those that exist at the federal level. But even the federal EEOC would frown on not allowing this employee to use the bathroom of their affirmed gender.

 

[CaboKP]

If they're cool with it ..

Give them a new offer letter to start in 2 weeks. Take a 2 weeks notice from their old identity and treat their final 2 weeks however they like (do they want to leave right away, or work out their two weeks? Do they want to have a going away party as their old self?).

Then the new identity starts in 2 weeks and hits the ground running. Forward their old email address to the new, etc.

If they're in sales or have contact with regular clients, they can call their clients and introduce themselves as the new rep (or however they want based on their relationship).

Out with the old, in with the new. Cleaner the cut the better.

As for other employees who will naturally be a little weirded out...remind them of whatever counciling/mental health services they have available to them (subtly, just have HR send a well being reminder email and drop the necessary details to obtain counseling).

As an employee, I'd consider something like that, but let them be your guide as to what they were comfortable with. Also ensure they know counseling resources are available.

I've made some assumptions about the size of your company there, but hopefully you have those tools available.

Solid suggestions, thank you!

 

[DooBi]

Awesome work. Good on ya.

 

[CaboKP]

What state is this employee employed in? Or even city? There are more-strict state and municipal regulations than those that exist at the federal level. But even the federal EEOC would frown on not allowing this employee to use the bathroom of their affirmed gender.

Located in Iowa. Headquarters out east. Company has 200k employees or so. Received HR info just before walking out today and didn't review yet. I assume there is a lot of info available.

 

[OILCHECKER]

If they're cool with it ..

Give them a new offer letter to start in 2 weeks. Take a 2 weeks notice from their old identity and treat their final 2 weeks however they like (do they want to leave right away, or work out their two weeks? Do they want to have a going away party as their old self?).

Then the new identity starts in 2 weeks and hits the ground running. Forward their old email address to the new, etc.

If they're in sales or have contact with regular clients, they can call their clients and introduce themselves as the new rep (or however they want based on their relationship).

Out with the old, in with the new. Cleaner the cut the better.

As for other employees who will naturally be a little weirded out...remind them of whatever counciling/mental health services they have available to them (subtly, just have HR send a well being reminder email and drop the necessary details to obtain counseling).

As an employee, I'd consider something like that, but let them be your guide as to what they were comfortable with. Also ensure they know counseling resources are available.

I've made some assumptions about the size of your company there, but hopefully you have those tools available.

So you want them to quit and then be rehired? Typically, if you quit or resign and then come back, you lose all of your seniority, accrued PTO and other benefits. Besides the fact that a manager likely couldn't just to decide to make this sort of arrangement with an employee. Let her and the mgnt above you make the decisions as how things should be handled - that what they get paid to do.

 

[The Tradition]

So you want them to quit and then be rehired? Typically, if you quit or resign and then come back, you lose all of your seniority, accrued PTO and other benefits. Besides the fact that a manager likely couldn't just to decide to make this sort of arrangement with an employee. Let her and the mgnt above you make the decisions as how things should be handled - that what they get paid to do.

@thewop 's suggestions were tongue-in-cheek, I hope...

 

[The Tradition]

Located in Iowa. Headquarters out east. Company has 200k employees or so. Received HR info just before walking out today and didn't review yet. I assume there is a lot of info available.

If Corp. HR suggests a "Diversity Day" I would ignore that advice.

 

[Hawkeye Swarm]

The restroom is one situation I have concerns. Just because people can be a-holes.

Is it possible for people to have legitimate concerns regarding bathroom use without you concluding that they're an "a-hole"?

 

[ThorneStockton]

Seems it hasn't been mentioned, but might want to inquire if they have any preferences for how to go about it.

 

[The Tradition]

Seems it hasn't been mentioned, but might want to inquire if they have any preferences for how to go about it.

And hope the employee doesn't want some grand company announcement about it.

 

[bhawk24bob]

I would have just said "ok" and left it at that, but I also wouldn't have paused because I probably wouldn't have been paying attention.

 

[CaboKP]

Is it possible for people to have legitimate concerns regarding bathroom use without you concluding that they're an "a-hole"?

That is fair. I could have stated it better.

Some people will pass judgment or complain is what I should have said. Regardless of reasons, I may hear about it some.

 

[alaskanseminole]

So the employee is trans and non-binary? (those are different things, right? ...I thought it was an either/or)

 

[The Tradition]

That is fair. I could have stated it better.

Some people will pass judgment or complain is what I should have said. Regardless of reasons, I may hear about it some.

Wait to see if anyone complains. Don't try to do some sort of group sensitivity training. Deal with issues when they come up... individually.

 

[CaboKP]

Seems it hasn't been mentioned, but might want to inquire if they have any preferences for how to go about it.

That will be one of my first questions when I talk with them again.

 

[Ehhhdolph]

One of my employees informed me they are transgender.

We were discussing normal work and I generally keep the mood light especially if an employee is doing good work. I touch on a few key points, but I try to be positive regardless of topic.

When they told me, I was completely caught off guard and I know I paused for a few seconds before I told them, "I have their back and will do anything needed. The rest of the leadership team will provide 100% support and no one will judge or say anything negative".

We continue chatting discussing their new name and their timeline.

I could tell it took all their strength to tell me. It hit me how difficult it must be to live in their shoes. They mentioned feeling suicidal urges as early as 5 years old.

Has anyone helped someone through a similar situation? Also, what can I say to help? I've started conversations with HR members for guidance, but HORT seems to know a bit about everything.

Insist that all of your other employees disbelieve their lying eyes and do everything they can to ensure the trans employee's "reality" and "lived experience" become everyone else's reality. The most important thing is to be held hostage by someone claiming they'll do a suicide if they aren't catered to. We'd do it for anyone else who was threatening possible suicide.

 

[CaboKP]

So the employee is trans and non-binary? (those are different things, right? ...I thought it was an either/or)

Trans only was what we discussed. I didn't think to ask about non binary. I don't know if those are mutually exclusive.

 

[The Tradition]

Trans only was what we discussed. I didn't think to ask about non binary. I don't know if those are mutually exclusive.

Well you need to get the pronouns right.

Trans is usually he/him or she/her depending on which way the transitioning is going.

Non-binary and gender queer likes the they/them stuff.

Unfortunately, you'll have to clarify that with your employee.

 

[alaskanseminole]

Trans only was what we discussed. I didn't think to ask about non binary. I don't know if those are mutually exclusive.

You were using They/Them/Their pronouns, so you confused me. I recommend you asking before just throwing them out there like that.

 

[CaboKP]

You were using They/Them/Their pronouns, so you confused me. I recommend you asking before just throwing them out there like that.

I was just refeaining from saying if this is a man or woman in this scenario.
Completely get you point.

 

[Ehhhdolph]

I was just refeaining from saying if this is a man or woman in this scenario.

Who even knows what those things are? Maybe both?

 

[thewop]

"what pronouns should I use when I'm talking about you with others?"

 

[thewop]

@thewop 's suggestions were tongue-in-cheek, I hope...

Not tongue in cheek. First thing I said was "if they're ok with it" and to be sure it's what they wanted throughout.

Obviously it's ceremonial to help both them and their coworkers make the transition, they should keep their seniority, etc... (Although one could argue they shouldn't keep that I suppose...after all it's a "different person," but that wasn't my thinking).

 

[fredjr82]

To the OP...

 

[Ehhhdolph]

"what pronouns should I use when I'm talking about you with others?"

What reality should I construct in your absence, Divine One?

 

[JWolf74]

Is it possible for people to have legitimate concerns regarding bathroom use without you concluding that they're an "a-hole"?

No. It's a bathroom. Everyone pees/poops. Get over it, a-holes.

 

[THE_DEVIL]

Pic?

 

[alaskanseminole]

No. It's a bathroom. Everyone pees/poops. Get over it, a-holes.

Maybe the OP could have a story time for his employees in the conference room.

 

[markfromj]

Trans only was what we discussed. I didn't think to ask about non binary. I don't know if those are mutually exclusive.

They are.

 

[millah_22]

Trans only was what we discussed. I didn't think to ask about non binary. I don't know if those are mutually exclusive.

It's okay that you referred to them as they here. It's not hurting anyone.

 

[NorthernHawkeye]

I would have just said "ok" and left it at that, but I also wouldn't have paused because I probably wouldn't have been paying attention.

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

You seem to be doing just fine.

From an HR standpoint, it should be all about performance anyway. Not how this employee identifies.

This.


Keep it by the numbers and professional. You are not a therapist, you are not a medical doctor, you are an employer offering pay in exchange for thier time and abilities. Support them and stay the hell out of it.

 

[Nole-4-Life]

Holy shit I gotta get off this planet.