- Sep 13, 2002
- 97,791
- 203,841
- 113
I feel this dude's pain. It's a tough one:
Dear How to Do It,
I was not the most comfortable around women when I was younger. If I was not in class, studying, or playing a sport during high school and college, I was working. So I did not start dating regularly until my mid-20s.
The women I dated always mentioned how well-endowed I was and became enamored with it. One girlfriend shared/bragged to just about everyone. A few women asked if I ever shot porn or considered it. I met my now wife in my late 20s and I married in my early 30s. My wife recognizes my size and shared I am by far the biggest she has ever seen. I very much love my wife and we have a great sex life. But I am now very much missing the jubilant reaction of women when they see my penis for the first time. I am cognizant about approaching 40 and I cannot help but think about them. I regret how shy and embarrassed I was of my size and that I did not embrace it.
I know this seems like a rich person complaining they have too much money. But I am becoming consumed by my large endowment, possibly to my detriment. I have joined large penis dating websites, visit size comparison sites, and read everything on the topic. I’ve become more confident. I’ve actually had conversations with women on the sites and have even shared penis pics (at their request) and have relished in their exclaimed excitement. I’ve also launched an OnlyFans (anonymously) and very much enjoy the feedback. I cannot help but feel I am in a dangerous zone pursuing these outlets. I’ve tried two therapists but ultimately became too embarrassed to bring it up. How do I get past this?
—Consumed By Large Endowment
Stoya: So he regrets being embarrassed about his size. Now, with these therapists, is his opportunity to embrace his size and everything that comes with it and get over his embarrassment. That’s the first thing. Don’t have sex with the therapist, but reckon with your giant schlong and what it means for you and the effects it’s had on your life. Say out loud in the therapist’s office, “I have a really massive penis and I miss the reactions I used to receive from women.” There’s an opportunity right there, right in front of him, which would probably help him untangle some of this.
Rich: Yes. Also, something that is seemingly deliberately missing from this letter: What does the wife think about him being on dating websites, sending these pictures, and having an OnlyFans? I have to imagine she doesn’t know about it, so that to me is the huge issue here.
Stoya: Yeah.
Rich: Sometimes you don’t ask people questions because you know the answer. But it seems at least a conversation needs to take place between him and his wife. “I have this newfound confidence. What can my outlet be? Can I talk to people online about it? Can I show people my dick consensually? Can we go to a sex club? Can we join swingers parties? What are you comfortable with? How can I get this out? I feel like I’m getting older and I’m making up for lost time.”
A lot of that is relatable, but if you’re not doing that with your partner, then you’re being completely unethical about it. I think this guy might be in the danger zone if he hasn’t discussed what he’s doing with his wife.
Stoya: I’m wondering if he wants to get past it, so he either doesn’t have to have a conversation with his partner or so when he does have that conversation, it can be a thing that he has stopped doing, that he is now appropriately apologizing for.
This is risky and maybe overly idealistic of me but they’re your partner. You should be able to share, “I’m struggling with this thing. I’ve done this ****ed up thing. I’ve engaged in this behavior behind your back that I should have been open and transparent about but wasn’t and it seems to be compulsive. I know I shouldn’t be doing it, but I’m doing it anyway. Will you help me get up the courage to talk to a therapist?”
Rich: Yeah, I do think that’s a very practical guideline, but I have to wonder how different this is from any kind of craving for attention. When you pair off with somebody, generally speaking, if we’re talking about mainstream Western culture, it’s monogamous. So this comes up in many ways. People wonder if what they’re giving up is worth what they’re getting—giving up the ability to flirt and show people your penis and all this stuff when you have a partner. He’s gone too far already if they hadn’t come to a prior arrangement. So I do think that as much as therapy will be useful in the way that you said, I can’t co-sign on the continuance of this behavior.
Stoya: No, I agree. He needs to use the therapist as the opportunity to work on getting over this feeling of embarrassment and go to his wife and say, “Hey, I screwed up. Specifically, here’s what I’ve done. I am asking you to be here by my side, as my partner, as I work through why I have done this and how I can work on whatever needs to change so I’m not doing it anymore. Unless, of course, you think this is great and want me to show everyone my massive member, in which case, fantastic.”
Rich: Right. To me, it seems like there’s a scenario in which a partner might be like, “You can’t be on dating websites. That’s crazy. You’re not dating.” But maybe having an OnlyFans, especially when you’re just getting the feedback, well, maybe they could deal with that. It seems like there’s enough room for negotiation here, or there could be, hopefully with a theoretically reasonable partner. You can’t really predict what people will say. I don’t think that there’s something innately wrong with wanting this kind of attention and feeling that crush of nearing 40 and wanting to soak it up while you can. But I think it’s about how you go about it.
Stoya: Also, you think you want the attention and then you get a little bit of attention and it feels good. But then you might get a lot of attention and actually thousands of trolls come out of the woodwork and then you never want attention again.
Rich: Be careful what you wish for.
Stoya: So do consider that. That may also be the dangerous zone, too.
Dear How to Do It,
I was not the most comfortable around women when I was younger. If I was not in class, studying, or playing a sport during high school and college, I was working. So I did not start dating regularly until my mid-20s.
The women I dated always mentioned how well-endowed I was and became enamored with it. One girlfriend shared/bragged to just about everyone. A few women asked if I ever shot porn or considered it. I met my now wife in my late 20s and I married in my early 30s. My wife recognizes my size and shared I am by far the biggest she has ever seen. I very much love my wife and we have a great sex life. But I am now very much missing the jubilant reaction of women when they see my penis for the first time. I am cognizant about approaching 40 and I cannot help but think about them. I regret how shy and embarrassed I was of my size and that I did not embrace it.
I know this seems like a rich person complaining they have too much money. But I am becoming consumed by my large endowment, possibly to my detriment. I have joined large penis dating websites, visit size comparison sites, and read everything on the topic. I’ve become more confident. I’ve actually had conversations with women on the sites and have even shared penis pics (at their request) and have relished in their exclaimed excitement. I’ve also launched an OnlyFans (anonymously) and very much enjoy the feedback. I cannot help but feel I am in a dangerous zone pursuing these outlets. I’ve tried two therapists but ultimately became too embarrassed to bring it up. How do I get past this?
—Consumed By Large Endowment
Get the How to Do It Newsletter
Sex advice from Rich and Stoya, plus exclusive letter follow-ups, delivered weekly.Stoya: So he regrets being embarrassed about his size. Now, with these therapists, is his opportunity to embrace his size and everything that comes with it and get over his embarrassment. That’s the first thing. Don’t have sex with the therapist, but reckon with your giant schlong and what it means for you and the effects it’s had on your life. Say out loud in the therapist’s office, “I have a really massive penis and I miss the reactions I used to receive from women.” There’s an opportunity right there, right in front of him, which would probably help him untangle some of this.
Rich: Yes. Also, something that is seemingly deliberately missing from this letter: What does the wife think about him being on dating websites, sending these pictures, and having an OnlyFans? I have to imagine she doesn’t know about it, so that to me is the huge issue here.
Stoya: Yeah.
Rich: Sometimes you don’t ask people questions because you know the answer. But it seems at least a conversation needs to take place between him and his wife. “I have this newfound confidence. What can my outlet be? Can I talk to people online about it? Can I show people my dick consensually? Can we go to a sex club? Can we join swingers parties? What are you comfortable with? How can I get this out? I feel like I’m getting older and I’m making up for lost time.”
A lot of that is relatable, but if you’re not doing that with your partner, then you’re being completely unethical about it. I think this guy might be in the danger zone if he hasn’t discussed what he’s doing with his wife.
Stoya: I’m wondering if he wants to get past it, so he either doesn’t have to have a conversation with his partner or so when he does have that conversation, it can be a thing that he has stopped doing, that he is now appropriately apologizing for.
This is risky and maybe overly idealistic of me but they’re your partner. You should be able to share, “I’m struggling with this thing. I’ve done this ****ed up thing. I’ve engaged in this behavior behind your back that I should have been open and transparent about but wasn’t and it seems to be compulsive. I know I shouldn’t be doing it, but I’m doing it anyway. Will you help me get up the courage to talk to a therapist?”
Rich: Yeah, I do think that’s a very practical guideline, but I have to wonder how different this is from any kind of craving for attention. When you pair off with somebody, generally speaking, if we’re talking about mainstream Western culture, it’s monogamous. So this comes up in many ways. People wonder if what they’re giving up is worth what they’re getting—giving up the ability to flirt and show people your penis and all this stuff when you have a partner. He’s gone too far already if they hadn’t come to a prior arrangement. So I do think that as much as therapy will be useful in the way that you said, I can’t co-sign on the continuance of this behavior.
Stoya: No, I agree. He needs to use the therapist as the opportunity to work on getting over this feeling of embarrassment and go to his wife and say, “Hey, I screwed up. Specifically, here’s what I’ve done. I am asking you to be here by my side, as my partner, as I work through why I have done this and how I can work on whatever needs to change so I’m not doing it anymore. Unless, of course, you think this is great and want me to show everyone my massive member, in which case, fantastic.”
Rich: Right. To me, it seems like there’s a scenario in which a partner might be like, “You can’t be on dating websites. That’s crazy. You’re not dating.” But maybe having an OnlyFans, especially when you’re just getting the feedback, well, maybe they could deal with that. It seems like there’s enough room for negotiation here, or there could be, hopefully with a theoretically reasonable partner. You can’t really predict what people will say. I don’t think that there’s something innately wrong with wanting this kind of attention and feeling that crush of nearing 40 and wanting to soak it up while you can. But I think it’s about how you go about it.
Stoya: Also, you think you want the attention and then you get a little bit of attention and it feels good. But then you might get a lot of attention and actually thousands of trolls come out of the woodwork and then you never want attention again.
Rich: Be careful what you wish for.
Stoya: So do consider that. That may also be the dangerous zone, too.
