Friends, Neighbors, Hawkeye fans,
I come here not to bury the 2015 Iowa Hawkeyes, but to praise them. It turns out I was a year too early when, in August 2014, I predicted that the Iowa Hawkeyes would win the Big 10's west division. The mistakes that coaches make live past them, while their successful endeavors are forgotten at the moment when the next failure appears.
So let it be with Captain Kirk. The noble Ahlibobwa hath told you Kirk was finished. As it is, 'twas a grievous error. And grievously hath Ahlibobwa answered for it.
You are not Squawkeyes, but pig-lovers, and men. And being men, hearing the word of Ahlibobwa inflamed you; it awoke anger in your collective black heart. However, it is Ahlibobwa who was inflamed, for he forgot the first rule of Captain Kirk: When much is expected, little will be achieved. When nothing is expected, Kirk will strike fear into the hearts of every Skunk-Badger, Boiler, and Kitten. The Offensive Line hath awakened from its slumber, CJ Beathard rides fleet of foot, slinging arrows with the ferocity and accuracy of a young Drew Tate, something unseen in aeons.
And woe has come to the Gophers. Dear Jerry the Killer fought valiantly, but his brutal illness hath claimed him in his prime. Worse yet, the CFB injury gods have smited the Gophers for their comeuppance. These Minnesota Gophers lead the conference and perhaps the nations in injuries. Those brave Gophers lost half their front 6 before a game had been played**
**Minnesota plays with a 'blocking' TE as well as a 'receiving TE. The blocking TE and 2 starters were lost before a game had been played. Since then Minnesota has lost 4 DBs, 4 DLs, and 3 more OLs. There have been several injuries at receiver. In one recent practice, over 20 fallen scholarship players did nothing more than watch as their compatriots soldiered on without them.
Never in my life as a Gopher fan have I seen such prolonged physical suffering. Rarely has any CFB team experienced so much injury. Those remaining Gophers have fought valiantly, yet it is difficult to attain glory when a quarter of one's troops are missing---the fallen weep while the remaining warriors put one foot down after the next.
So, Hawkeye brethren, when others exclaim 'Who Hates Iowa' I will always be the first to respond. That said, I admire the way Captain Kirk has risen like a Phoenix from the ashes. I believe that both Gophers and Hawkeyes are on an upward ascent, and I, Ahlibobwa decree that the triangle of hate will vie for the west division crown for many years to come!
Good luck tomorrow, hawkeyes. May both squads fight valiantly and avoid further injury. I have come to make recompense for my previous error. I prostrate myself complete with a plate of crow. Enjoy watching your rival on his knees, for after tomorrow the shoe may be on the other foot.
Go Gophers! Ski-U-Mah!
I come here not to bury the 2015 Iowa Hawkeyes, but to praise them. It turns out I was a year too early when, in August 2014, I predicted that the Iowa Hawkeyes would win the Big 10's west division. The mistakes that coaches make live past them, while their successful endeavors are forgotten at the moment when the next failure appears.
So let it be with Captain Kirk. The noble Ahlibobwa hath told you Kirk was finished. As it is, 'twas a grievous error. And grievously hath Ahlibobwa answered for it.
You are not Squawkeyes, but pig-lovers, and men. And being men, hearing the word of Ahlibobwa inflamed you; it awoke anger in your collective black heart. However, it is Ahlibobwa who was inflamed, for he forgot the first rule of Captain Kirk: When much is expected, little will be achieved. When nothing is expected, Kirk will strike fear into the hearts of every Skunk-Badger, Boiler, and Kitten. The Offensive Line hath awakened from its slumber, CJ Beathard rides fleet of foot, slinging arrows with the ferocity and accuracy of a young Drew Tate, something unseen in aeons.
And woe has come to the Gophers. Dear Jerry the Killer fought valiantly, but his brutal illness hath claimed him in his prime. Worse yet, the CFB injury gods have smited the Gophers for their comeuppance. These Minnesota Gophers lead the conference and perhaps the nations in injuries. Those brave Gophers lost half their front 6 before a game had been played**
**Minnesota plays with a 'blocking' TE as well as a 'receiving TE. The blocking TE and 2 starters were lost before a game had been played. Since then Minnesota has lost 4 DBs, 4 DLs, and 3 more OLs. There have been several injuries at receiver. In one recent practice, over 20 fallen scholarship players did nothing more than watch as their compatriots soldiered on without them.
Never in my life as a Gopher fan have I seen such prolonged physical suffering. Rarely has any CFB team experienced so much injury. Those remaining Gophers have fought valiantly, yet it is difficult to attain glory when a quarter of one's troops are missing---the fallen weep while the remaining warriors put one foot down after the next.
So, Hawkeye brethren, when others exclaim 'Who Hates Iowa' I will always be the first to respond. That said, I admire the way Captain Kirk has risen like a Phoenix from the ashes. I believe that both Gophers and Hawkeyes are on an upward ascent, and I, Ahlibobwa decree that the triangle of hate will vie for the west division crown for many years to come!
Good luck tomorrow, hawkeyes. May both squads fight valiantly and avoid further injury. I have come to make recompense for my previous error. I prostrate myself complete with a plate of crow. Enjoy watching your rival on his knees, for after tomorrow the shoe may be on the other foot.
Go Gophers! Ski-U-Mah!
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