Let's tell some jokes today

[lucas80]

I was driving over to Chicago on Friday and heard an interview with Chet Coppock. He has a new book about Doug Buffone out that he was plugging. He ended the interview with a joke Buffone used to tell.

A fireman comes home one day and tells his wife that at the firehouse they have a simple system. If they hear one bell ring it means get the helmet and gear on. Two rings and you slide down the poll. Three rings and you jump in the truck to go to the fire. He tells his wife he wants a system at home. One bell means she strips naked. Two bells means jump in the bed. Three bells means start making love.
The next day he comes home and yells out, "One bell"! The wife strips naked. "Two bells", he shouts!. The wife jumps in the bed. "Three bells", shouts out the husband and they begin to make love. Suddenly the wife yells out, "Four bells"! The husband stops and says there is no four bells? The wife says, "Four bells means roll out more hose, you aren't anywhere near the fire yet".

 

[INXS83]

I was driving over to Chicago on Friday and heard an interview with Chet Coppock. He has a new book about Doug Buffone out that he was plugging. He ended the interview with a joke Buffone used to tell.

A fireman comes home one day and tells his wife that at the firehouse they have a simple system. If they hear one bell ring it means get the helmet and gear on. Two rings and you slide down the poll. Three rings and you jump in the truck to go to the fire. He tells his wife he wants a system at home. One bell means she strips naked. Two bells means jump in the bed. Three bells means start making love.
The next day he comes home and yells out, "One bell"! The wife strips naked. "Two bells", he shouts!. The wife jumps in the bed. "Three bells", shouts out the husband and they begin to make love. Suddenly the wife yells out, "Four bells"! The husband stops and says there is no four bells? The wife says, "Four bells means roll out more hose, you aren't anywhere near the fire yet".

After his Tampa Bay Buccaneers had just lost their 20-something consecutive game, an interviewer asked John McKay if he had any opinion on his teams execution. McKay quickly said, "I'm for it".

 

[LuteHawk]

The week after Easter, the Sunday School teacher asked
her 2nd Grade class, "Does anyone know what the resurrection
is?"

One boy answered, " I don' know what the resurrection means, but
if you get one for more than 4 hours, you are suppose to call
your doctor."

 

[LuteHawk]

A guy in our subdivision was extremely overweight. His
wife convinced him to go on a water diet. So instead of
losing 40 pounds he gained 17 gallons.

 

[The Tradition]

A Muslim, a terrorist, and a traitor walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. President?"

~rimshot~

 

[hawkeye54545]

Iowa State Football

 

[markfromj]

A skeleton walks into a bar.

"Give me a beer and a mop".

 

[LuteHawk]

My neighbor and his wife go out twice a week to an upscale
restaurant in our large city. They have bubbling beverages,
fabulous food, and cozy companionship. He goes out on
Tuesday nights and she goes out on Friday nights.

 

[TJ8869]

Four nuns were standing in line to give confession. The first nun steps up and says to the priest, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I touched a man's penis with my finger."

The priest instructs her to recite five 'Our Fathers' and dip her finger in holy water.

The second nun steps up and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I touched a man's penis with my hand."

The priest instructs her to recite five 'Our Fathers' and dip her hand in holy water.

At this point the third nun turns to the fourth nun and says, "You should go ahead of me. You'll probably want to gargle the holy water *before* I sit in it."

 

[Chuck C]

I was going to be the OP for Halloween, but there's no way I can fit 7 cocks in my mouth.

 

[3 and Out on D]

The Detroit Lions name Jim Bob Cooter their offensive coordinator.

Joke of the day.

 

[ANYCHawk]

You know how to make Holy Water?



You boil the hell out of it.

 

[longliveCS40]

A penguin is driving through Arizona and has no AC in his car. It's blazing hot and all of a sudden his car starts bucking and running poorly. He pulls into a nearby service station and asks the mechanic to check the car out.

Instead of waiting in the service station, he sees an ice cream parlor next door so he goes over to have an ice cream cone. The poor penguin doesn't have opposable thumbs and it's 100 degrees out so the ice cream melts all over his beak and face.

He heads back over to the service shop and the mechanic lifts his head out from under the hood of the car and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin wipes his face and says "No, it's just a little ice cream."

 

[DanL53]

Santa is visiting the workshop. He passes an Elf and says, "What are you making Blinky?"

Blinky shows him a rocking horse. "Very nice!"

Santa passes a second Elf and says, "What are you making Tooly?"

Tooly shows him a Raggedy Ann doll. "How sweet!"

Santa comes up to the newly hired Elf, "And what have you been working on?"

The new Elf turns around with a little metal box, brightly painted and with a crank. He starts turning the crack and music comes out. "Ta tink, ta tink, ta tinkle de tink!" Suddenly a clown pops out of the top of the box!

"Hmmmmmm, very interesting, Torquemada!"

End. Now that's $%%^&ing funny.

 

[DanL53]

A guys wife is walking down the stairs in her sheer nightgown when the husband looks up at her, catches a view of her and says, "You are not the woman I married".

How hurtful, at first. Then she thinks about it and replies, "Well than, I must not be your wife! I'm free! I'm free!" And she skips out of the house and down the street singing, "I'm free! I'm free!"

A neighbor sees this and approaches the husband. "Did you know your wife is dancing down the street in a very sheer nightgown singing, "I'm free! I'm free!"?

The husband replies, "Now that's the woman I married!"

 

[The Tradition]

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

St. Peter is standing in front of the Pearly Gates. He's behind a pedestal with the "Book of Life" open. St. Peter pulls his finger down the page and exclaims, "I can't believe this! It says here that you're 147 years old!"

The lawyer stammers, "There must be some mistake... I'm only 72..."

"Not according to the number of hours you billed," St. Peter shot back....

 

[DanL53]

And finally. A young man, just married, is getting nowhere with his shy, young bride. To make matters worse, in the suite next door the couple can hear a newly wedded husband. About every ten minutes he screams, "I'm coming! Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Thunk, thunk!!!

Well, after a couple hours the young man goes next door to ask for advice. A very short man answers the door and the young man says, "Congratulations, it sounds as if you are having a great time!" The other man answers, "I would if I could just get onto the bed!"

 

[DanL53]

Oh, what the heck.

What goes, "Clop clop, Bang Bang! Clop Clop."?

An Amish Drive By shooting

 

[Pepperman]

Guy and his wife are at the grocery store and they're walking through the aisles. He grabs a case of beer and puts it in the cart. She looks at him and says "we don't have money for that beer, put that back". So he does and as they keep shopping she gets to the beauty aisle and grabs some cosmetics. He says "hey, why do we need this, and do we have money for it?" She answers, "that's only $40 and besides, it makes me beautiful", and he replies, "put it back and get the beer, it does the same job for only $15"

 

[mplshawkeye21]

Not a joke, but a funny video...

 

[lucas80]

I was going to be the OP for Halloween, but there's no way I can fit 7 cocks in my mouth.

I'm glad I was here today for you to attempt to fill an empty patch in your life by being an anonymous, internet tough guy.

 

[Chuck C]

I'm glad I was here today for you to attempt to fill an empty patch in your life by being an anonymous, internet tough guy.

Lighten up Frances, it's an old Halloween joke.

 

[who r u]

 

[BABiscuit]

A penguin is driving through Arizona and has no AC in his car. It's blazing hot and all of a sudden his car starts bucking and running poorly. He pulls into a nearby service station and asks the mechanic to check the car out.

Instead of waiting in the service station, he sees an ice cream parlor next door so he goes over to have an ice cream cone. The poor penguin doesn't have opposable thumbs and it's 100 degrees out so the ice cream melts all over his beak and face.

He heads back over to the service shop and the mechanic lifts his head out from under the hood of the car and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin wipes his face and says "No, it's just a little ice cream."

Gotta drive when you can't fly.

 

[INXS83]

I was driving over to Chicago on Friday and heard an interview with Chet Coppock. He has a new book about Doug Buffone out that he was plugging. He ended the interview with a joke Buffone used to tell.

A fireman comes home one day and tells his wife that at the firehouse they have a simple system. If they hear one bell ring it means get the helmet and gear on. Two rings and you slide down the poll. Three rings and you jump in the truck to go to the fire. He tells his wife he wants a system at home. One bell means she strips naked. Two bells means jump in the bed. Three bells means start making love.
The next day he comes home and yells out, "One bell"! The wife strips naked. "Two bells", he shouts!. The wife jumps in the bed. "Three bells", shouts out the husband and they begin to make love. Suddenly the wife yells out, "Four bells"! The husband stops and says there is no four bells? The wife says, "Four bells means roll out more hose, you aren't anywhere near the fire yet".

The kindergarten class was playing 'word association'. The teacher would say a letter and a student would say a word that starts with that letter. The teacher ignored dirty Johnny through most of the alphabet, even though he raised his hand vigorously for almost every letter. When they got to "W", nobody else raised their hand except for Johnny. The teacher thought about it, gulped, and called on dirty Johnny. He said the word is 'whoom'! The teacher said, "oh, womb, where babies come from?". Dirty Johnny said, "No! Whoom, the sound they make when 2 elephants f$#k!!"

 

[LuteHawk]

In a mobile home park in Venice, Florida a widowed woman
was sitting on a park bench. She was 66 years old.

A 74 year old man approached her and smiled..
The woman asked, "Are you new here?'
The man replied, " No, I have been gone for 20 years,
I was in prison for killing my wife."
The woman stammered and said, " Oh, so you are single!!!"

 

[DanL53]

The eighty five year old married couple were sitting in rocking chairs on the porch. Over sixty five years of marriage. Suddenly and without warning the wife reached over and pushed the back of the husbands rocker so hard he flew out of it and rolled down the stairs. He stood up and asked, "What was that for!?!?"

She answers, "Sixty-five years of being a bad lover!"

Hours later, they are still rocking when the husband reaches over and pushes her rocker so hard she flies out and down the stairs! His wife yells, "Why did you do that!?!?"

He answers, "That's for you knowing the difference!"

 

[DanL53]

The elderly wife gets a call from the Doctor who has just examined her husband. "Ma'am, you husband is in great shape, physically. In fact, rather than 85 he seems to have the body of someone more like 60. But I'm concerned about his mind."

She asks why.

"Well, I told him he was in great shape and he said the Lord takes good care of him. He went on to say that in fact when he gets up at night to tinkle the Lord turns the light on for him."

Just silence on the phone. "Ma'am, did you hear me ok?":

She replies, "$#%^&!!!!! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

 

[The Tradition]

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

St. Peter is standing in front of the Pearly Gates. He's behind a pedestal with the "Book of Life" open. St. Peter pulls his finger down the page and exclaims, "I can't believe this! It says here that you're 147 years old!"

The lawyer stammers, "There must be some mistake... I'm only 72..."

"Not according to the number of hours you billed," St. Peter shot back....

There's an abbreviated version of this joke:


A lawyer dies....


LOL, man... I love that one!

 

[pablow]

What did one Rastafarian say to the other when they ran out of marijuana?

"What's that sh*tty music?"

 

[SCHawkFan]

What does a West Virginian say when he wants sex?


Hey sis, wake up.

 

[The Tradition]

Okay, a lawyer is driving down a highway with his arm resting in the open window. He accidentally sideswipes a guardrail, losing his arm in the process.

When the police and paramedics arrive, he's sitting in the grass crying, "My beautiful Mercedes! What have I done?

The first responders ask him, "You're crying about your car? What about your arm???"

The lawyer thinks about it for a second, and starts crying again, "My beautiful Rolex! What have I done?"

 

[Big_Palooka]

Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant that escaped from prison? ......... There's a small medium at large.

 

[DanL53]

The old bull and the young bull are grazing on a hill when the young bull says, "Hey old timer! There's a nice heard of ladies down there! What say we run down and make sweet lovin' to one of those cows?"

The wise old bull replies, "How about we WALK down and make love to 'em all?"

 

[CarolinaHawkeye]

What does a West Virginian say when he wants sex?


Hey sis, wake up.

And while we are at it:

If a West Virginia couple get a divorce, do they go back to being brother and sister?

What do you call a West Virginian with two cars up on blocks? Rich

 

[pablow]

An Irishman goes to the bar each night and orders three beers. After a bit of this routine, the bartender asks "why do you order three beers?" The man replies - "ones for my dear mother and the other's for my sister. They both still living in Ireland, God bless 'em."

After a few months, the Irishman comes into the bar and this time he orders only two beers. In shock, the bartender says "My God did your mother or sister pass on?'

"Naw" the Irishman says, "I quit drinkin'."

 

[iowalaker]

One day Hulk Hogans wife went shoe shopping. As she was trying on shoes, a young man was helping her out. Mrs. Hogan was wearing a tiny skirt that day and when she was sitting down in the chair, the young man could see she was wearing no underwear. He looked up at her and said, Mam, I would like to fill your pussy up with ice cream and eat it all night long. Mrs. Hogan was upset and said I'm married to hulk hogan, and I'm going to tell him what you said and he's going to come down here and whoop your ass.

She went home and told Hulk, and Hulk just sat there. She said, aren't you going to go beat his ass? He replied with, No way. I'm not ****ing with anyone who can eat that much ice cream.