Cohabitation before marriage

[hawkifann]

Mr. Birch and I are so screwed. We lived together for two years before we married. He doesn't hunt, fish or golf. I'm not in a bunco club and I only visit local malls.

My wife and I get a lot of time away from each other...mostly because we have 3 kids who all have stuff going on in different locations. Divide and conquer. Can't remember the last time I golfed that wasn't on a family trip with her dad and I don't know if she even knows what Bunco is.

 

[pezhawk]

I have.

I also see the drama that living together creates; it works out much less than half the time...

Have you noticed how often couples that live together, bicker often?

Me too

Have you ever experienced a relationship of your own, or do you just observe others and make assumptions based on them?

There are various types of relationships some work, some don't...

 

[BrianNole09]

Have you ever experienced a relationship of your own, or do you just observe others and make assumptions based on them?

There are various types of relationships some work, some don't...

Yes, I've experienced my own; the nagging, the critiquing, the complaining, all that joy, I've experienced

Most relationships are dysfunctional. That's my experience and opinion. We can see that objectively when we look at the facts. That being said, I'm sure some are amazing, but that's a small minority.

Also, related to the thread topic, living together before marriage increases the rate of divorce, according to the social sciences.

 

[pezhawk]

Yes, I've experienced my own; the nagging, the critiquing, the complaining, all that joy, I've experienced

Most relationships are dysfunctional. That's my experience and opinion. We can see that objectively when we look at the facts. That being said, I'm sure some are amazing, but that's a small minority.

Also, related to the thread topic, living together before marriage increases the rate of divorce, according to the social sciences.

I don't believe you that you've had a serious relationship, where living together was even a topic.

 

[BrianNole09]

I don't believe you that you've had a serious relationship, where living together was even a topic.

I wouldn't have even considered it. It would have been a total trainwreck.

I just don't see the benefit to living together. I think it's good to have one's own space, until one is married...

I think you will disagree, and that's cool, brah.

 

[pezhawk]

I wouldn't have even considered it. It would have been a total trainwreck.

I just don't see the benefit to living together. I think it's good to have one's own space, until one is married...

I think you will disagree, and that's cool, brah.

Appreciate that, but another line of thought is don't express an opinion you challenge others on when you have no experience in it?

 

[BrianNole09]

Appreciate that, but another line of thought is don't express an opinion you challenge others on when you have no experience in it?

Well, I was born in 1983 and haven't been in the Army, but I can still have an opinion on WW2....right?

 

[pezhawk]

Well, I was born in 1983 and haven't been in the Army, but I can still have an opinion on WW2....right?

You can, but maybe step back and take in what people who actually have experienced the situation have too say and give it some thought, before you go all in on your shtick.

 

[EvilMonkeyInTheCloset]

So.....don't get married?

 

[BrianNole09]

You can, but maybe step back and take in what people who actually have experienced the situation have too say and give it some thought, before you go all in on your shtick.

I have. I had many friends cohabitate then get married.

Most were divorced within 5 years...

 

[hawkbirch]

I have. I had many friends cohabitate then get married.

Most were divorced within 5 years...

sounds like a friend problem, not a cohabitation problem.

 

[NoleATL]

I think this boils down to: I'll stick to even the worst marriage if I know if I divorce, I have to wait until marriage again to get laid.

 

[NoleATL]

from Psychology today:

6. Do you want to test out your relationship first by living together?

It's common for contemporary couples to live together before marriage, but their reasons for doing so appear to predict how happy their marriage will eventually be. When couples use cohabitation to test out a relationship, or when they cohabitate for practical reasons (e.g., finances), they tend to report less dedication to their relationships and less relationship confidence. Should their arrangement transition to marriage, these initial uncertainties could help explain why cohabitation before marriage sometimes leads to lower marital satisfaction (Kamp, Cohan, & Amato, 2003). Couples that are already highly committed, and cohabitate for other reasons — e.g., to spend more time together — might be better poised to move towards marriage.

If you read this closely, it really doesn't say much. Or, what is says is obviously obvious. Its comparing two people who are basically roommates (with benefits, perhaps) to people who move in together AFTER they are in a committed relationship.

 

[BrianNole09]

sounds like a friend problem, not a cohabitation problem.

No. It's pretty consistent with the social sciences. Cohabitation generally doesn't help marriages.

 

[FranklinHawk]

Lived together for a year (while engaged), approaching 30 wonderful years of marriage. I'd say it worked just fine in my case.

 

[NoleATL]

No. It's pretty consistent with the social sciences. Cohabitation generally doesn't help marriages.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/...-step-toward-marriage-not-a-rebellion/284512/

A more likely correlation...

 

[BrianNole09]

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/...-step-toward-marriage-not-a-rebellion/284512/

A more likely correlation...

Most studies don't shown that.

An interesting article here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201303/does-cohabitation-lead-more-divorces

 

[hawkifann]

If you read this closely, it really doesn't say much. Or, what is says is obviously obvious. Its comparing two people who are basically roommates (with benefits, perhaps) to people who move in together AFTER they are in a committed relationship.

That was my situation. My now-wife (no pic) and I dated mostly medium distance due to work. For several years we were about 90 min apart. Saw each other every weekend and occasionally during the week and got engaged that way. Eventually, I got a job where she was about 7-8 months before the wedding. Seemed to make sense to co-habitate rather than pay a premium for a short/non-lease place in Philly for that period of time. We didn't view cohabitation as a trial run, we were already committed, it just seemed to be the wisest use of scarce resources. I wasn't an HROTer yet in 1998, so I wasn't as hot and rich as I am now.

 

[bojihawk44]

Lived with my wife for about 2 years before we got married. No way in hell am I going to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone if they are a slob or just unpleasant to live with.

 

[Obviously Oblivious]

My wife and I lived together about 4 years prior to getting married. Our 30th anniversary is this month.

 

[longliveCS40]

No way I would get married without living together first. Being in a relationship with someone and being in a relationship while co-habitating are completely different deals. You learn a lot about a person by living together.

 

[LBoogie28]

Lived with my wife for two years prior to marriage. Eight years, one kid, with another due any day. It’s been great.

 

[NoleATL]

Most studies don't shown that.

An interesting article here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201303/does-cohabitation-lead-more-divorces

Most studies don't take into account age...

 

[hawkifann]

No way I would get married without living together first. Being in a relationship with someone and being in a relationship while co-habitating are completely different deals. You learn a lot about a person by living together.

While there's truth to this, I think there's also some significant amount of cases where people move in together and get bogged down in the mundane and lose sight of the relationship.....so I can see this being argued either way. Personally, my belief is that co-habitation isn't a major factor either way. Far, far bigger for me is picking the right person based on who they are, compatible life goals and philosophies and then treating each other well.

 

[HawkRugged17]

No. It's pretty consistent with the social sciences. Cohabitation generally doesn't help marriages.

Do you buy a car without test driving it?

 

[Rifler]

Do you buy a car without test driving it?

You can test drive a car, numerous times, without taking it home and parking it in your garage.....

 

[HawkRugged17]

You can test drive a car, numerous times, without taking it home and parking it in your garage.....

Good marriages last longer than most cars, so the test drive is a good idea.

 

[BrianNole09]

Do you buy a car without test driving it?

Humans aren't cars

 

[BrianNole09]

Most studies don't take into account age...

The social sciences are almost always on our side, broseph.

Christians win that competition vs. atheists

 

[HawkRugged17]

Humans aren't cars

Yep, humans are more important, thus the test drive.

 

[BrianNole09]

Yep, humans are more important, thus the test drive.

I think that's a big reason our divorce rate is so high: people view their spouse as an object for use.

 

[HawkRugged17]

Most studies don't take into account age...

 

[HawkRugged17]

I think that's a big reason our divorce rate is so high: people view their spouse as an object for use.

Don't tell that to my wife of 28 years!