Die early or watch them deteriorate?

[fredjr82]

My maternal grandparents are in their 80s and really starting to have health issues (cancer, dementia, etc). My paternal grandmother also died with dementia in her 80s. My paternal grandfather died of Lung Cancer in his 70s.

My paternal grandfather went quick after diagnosed. It was like months. While it wrecked me, hindsight almost makes me prefer it that way? Watching loved ones be a shell of their former selves may be the hardest part about growing old ourselves.

What's been your experience? I know my old man (again who is also getting older) said his dad was "easier" than watching his mom slowly fade away. I think I agree

 

[fsu1jreed]

Die early....I'd rather die early

 

[fredjr82]

Die early....I'd rather die early

It's not about you. It's about those that are left behind. Death is easy on those doing the dying

 

[funksouljon]

My dad always said, I've seen slow and I have seen fast. Fast is far better.

And he did, 73 and had a massive heart attack on the way to get Mexican food. They were mobile and he didn't even make it to the hospital that was 10 minutes away.

But no suffering, he was fit and functional right up to the end.

 

[Dr. Phil Seuss]

My maternal grandparents are in their 80s and really starting to have health issues (cancer, dementia, etc). My paternal grandmother also died with dementia in her 80s. My paternal grandfather died of Lung Cancer in his 70s.

My paternal grandfather went quick after diagnosed. It was like months. While it wrecked me, hindsight almost makes me prefer it that way? Watching loved ones be a shell of their former selves may be the hardest part about growing old ourselves.

What's been your experience? I know my old man (again who is also getting older) said his dad was "easier" than watching his mom slowly fade away. I think I agree

My old man has death on his doorstep, so we about to find out. Nothing easy about dead relatives that you like. Don’t care how and when they die.

 

[funksouljon]

It's not about you. It's about those that are left behind. Death is easy on those doing the dying

Not necessarily. A prolonged, painful existence where you are not mentally acute or in pain or medicated to oblivion. Death can be very slow and drawn out depending on the situation and for the person doing it, the death can be a release from the misery of the last years.

 

[fsu1jreed]

It's not about you. It's about those that are left behind. Death is easy on those doing the dying

I said for both....I'd rather my parents die early than watch them AND I'd rather die early

 

[Scruddy]

You don't want to live with dementia or to see your loved ones suffer from it. My grandfather had early onset alzheimer's in his late 50s/early 60s (I actually didn't know this till much later, he was always kind of quiet then mostly quit talking bc it frustrated him when people couldn't understand what he was talking about) and developed dementia on top of that in his early 80s. He made it for another decade after the dementia got bad, to the point where he didn't understand how to get under a blanket in bed and thought my father was his dad and not his son. Was very hard watching him deteriorate the way he did, both mentally and physically. My parents told me to smother them with a pillow if they got to that point and I agree. Seeing a loved one become a husk of a human being is tragic and I am sorry if you are going through that.

 

[fredjr82]

Not necessarily. A prolonged, painful existence where you are not mentally acute or in pain or medicated to oblivion. Death can be very slow and drawn out depending on the situation and for the person doing it, the death can be a release from the misery of the last years.

Agreed. It was a shortsighted statement on my part

 

[fredjr82]

My old man has death on his doorstep, so we about to find out. Nothing easy about dead relatives that you like. Don’t care how and when they die.

It sucks and sorry to hear it. I never said either were "easy". Just which you would prefer having dealt with both.

 

[bunsen82]

My grandma is 97 and still walks a mile a day in the assisted living. She gets mad she is gaining weight, we are pretty sure she wasn’t eating regular meals, but she has always ate like a bird. She has lived a full life. Grandpa on hat side passed away at 80 in his sleep from a heart attack. Other grandparents lived into their 90’s. I am expecting 70’s for me.

 

[HawkeyeShawn]

I’m currently taking care of my 84 year old father. Survived cancer 8 years ago. Survived a stroke 4 years ago. He’s now 90% immobile. He can only transfer from hospital bed to wheel chair, wheel chair to lift recliner. His mind is still sharp. His days consist of watching TV and visiting with the caregivers I have staying with him 13 hours per day. The caregivers and I have been taking care of him now for the last 4 years.

He’s miserable every second of every day. He’s in constant pain from 60+ years of working construction, arthritis in every joint. He’s also dealing with major digestive problems which he complains about 24/7. He refuses to go to the doctor and deal with any of his medical issues. He wants to die. He says those words almost daily. I go visit him every morning before the caregivers arrive. Every day I walk in thinking this might be the day. Each day, “Good morning Dad. You awake?” Pause. “Yep.” Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

 

[Mister_Man]

While not formally diagnosed, we were pretty sure my father had dementia. He lived with either my sister or myself. Thankfully he always maintained a sweet demeanor. Compared to my mom's husband who has dementia and can get nasty and is an alcoholic.

My father started showing signs after turning 75 and having a bad flu. It seemed that his memory would get worse after each sickness which would be 4 or 5 times until he passed away last year at 85. His last illness was different in that he could not recover. The doctor offered a hospice and started him on morphine. He passed away that night.

I think morphine is certainly a way to fasten a death which is a godsend for some families. In other scenarios, doctors want to keep a patient alive as long as possible so that the hospital can keep on billing and billing.

 

[funksouljon]

OP, I think the other component is the younger kids. My kids will always think of their pops as the fit and able and mentally sharp guy he was. They knew him only as the guy who knew something about everything (he really did, was great at trivia if it was pop culture related).

Kids at a certain age know and understand that what they see now isn't how someone was in their prime, but they only observed my dad as the guy who still had it. That is the only memory they will have of him. They can see my mom physically and mentally aging and have commented.

 

[Colonoscopy]

My grandfather was a prankster. Dressed up in a ape costume and got hit by a school bus. Day after Halloween.

We should all be so lucky

 

[funksouljon]

While not formally diagnosed, we were pretty sure my father had dementia. He lived with either my sister or myself. Thankfully he always maintained a sweet demeanor. Compared to my mom's husband who has dementia and can get nasty and is an alcoholic.

.....

Exactly for my paternal grandmother, the light was on and someone was home sometimes but she was always the sweetest, most kind lady right to the end. My moms side... I was gone but I've heard stories about how nasty he got at the end.

 

[jasonrann]

My dad decided one day that it was time to shut it down and he had enough. He was gone in two months. He was 71 and could easily have made it another 15 years.

 

[jonesy5960]

Die early....I'd rather die early

Everyone says that until they get old. My mother in law is 94, and requires 24x7 assistance. She's shooting for at least 100.

 

[jonesy5960]

My grandfather was a prankster. Dressed up in a ape costume and got hit by a school bus. Day after Halloween.

We should all be so lucky

I'm just wondering how those kids felt watching that ape throw himself in front of their bus.

 

[jonesy5960]

I’m currently taking care of my 84 year old father. Survived cancer 8 years ago. Survived a stroke 4 years ago. He’s now 90% immobile. He can only transfer from hospital bed to wheel chair, wheel chair to lift recliner. His mind is still sharp. His days consist of watching TV and visiting with the caregivers I have staying with him 13 hours per day. The caregivers and I have been taking care of him now for the last 4 years.

He’s miserable every second of every day. He’s in constant pain from 60+ years of working construction, arthritis in every joint. He’s also dealing with major digestive problems which he complains about 24/7. He refuses to go to the doctor and deal with any of his medical issues. He wants to die. He says those words almost daily. I go visit him every morning before the caregivers arrive. Every day I walk in thinking this might be the day. Each day, “Good morning Dad. You awake?” Pause. “Yep.” Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

So if there were a death with dignity option where he lives would he take it?

 

[fsu1jreed]

Everyone says that until they get old. My mother in law is 94, and requires 24x7 assistance. She's shooting for at least 100.

Just a couple of years ago when it looked like I wasn't going to get rid of my bone infection I had started planning my way out...so no, I don't want to come close to seeing 100

 

[HawkeyeShawn]

So if there were a death with dignity option where he lives would he take it?

100 percent. His entire family would support that decision as well.

I think he would have already killed himself if he could get to and open his gun safe.

 

[3 and Out on D]

My wife died a month ago at 75. She was a 30 year serious cancer survivor, but died from other medical reasons following 3 years of full care where I was the caregiver.

I hope to go like my maternal grandpa an avid baseball fan, he died at a baseball game in Briggs Stadium, later known as Tiger Stadium.

 

[millah_22]

My maternal grandparents are in their 80s and really starting to have health issues (cancer, dementia, etc). My paternal grandmother also died with dementia in her 80s. My paternal grandfather died of Lung Cancer in his 70s.

My paternal grandfather went quick after diagnosed. It was like months. While it wrecked me, hindsight almost makes me prefer it that way? Watching loved ones be a shell of their former selves may be the hardest part about growing old ourselves.

What's been your experience? I know my old man (again who is also getting older) said his dad was "easier" than watching his mom slowly fade away. I think I agree

My grandma was diagnosed with alzheimers when I was in highschool. Watching how it affected my grandpa, dad and his siblings was pretty hard. The longer she lived, the worse it got between them. How they wanted to deal with assisted living, who would be driving her to and from appointments, moving them out of their home, etc.

The last year was bad. I don't wish that on any family. My dad and his siblings have since reconciled and are in good relationships with each other, which is nice. For a while, they weren't speaking though.

 

[millah_22]

It's not about you. It's about those that are left behind. Death is easy on those doing the dying

It was pretty hard on my friend who died at 40 from brain cancer.

 

[3 and Out on D]

100 percent. His entire family would support that decision as well.

I think he would have already killed himself if he could get to and open his gun safe.

My father-in-law didn't have a gun safe. He was a difficult person. I just hated it when he would come over unannounced and expect you to cancel your plans.

 

[JustSayOV]

There is not enough time in the day for me to type out the roller coaster ride my old man has been on for the last 10+ years....honestly couldn't even make half of it up (at least not make it up that all these things happened to the same guy).

Long story short he is now in a care facility post-stroke (and many other things), with the only functioning limb remaining being his non-dominant left arm and diminishing mental function (he's 65 years old).

My vote is 100000% would rather have been fast.

Yes it would have been devastating at the time if it happened quick, but the strain it puts on all family members during this last 10 years (sorrow, guilt, financial, etc.) and his own cognizance of his health has been horrible. He's been mentally with it the whole time enough to realize what's been happening and experiencing the decline....all the while knowing nothing can or will get better.

I sometimes feel guilty for two different things: 1) wanting him to go and 2) not wanting him to go so I can selfishly spend more time with him even though his quality of life it horrendous....

 

[JustSayOV]

I’m currently taking care of my 84 year old father. Survived cancer 8 years ago. Survived a stroke 4 years ago. He’s now 90% immobile. He can only transfer from hospital bed to wheel chair, wheel chair to lift recliner. His mind is still sharp. His days consist of watching TV and visiting with the caregivers I have staying with him 13 hours per day. The caregivers and I have been taking care of him now for the last 4 years.

He’s miserable every second of every day. He’s in constant pain from 60+ years of working construction, arthritis in every joint. He’s also dealing with major digestive problems which he complains about 24/7. He refuses to go to the doctor and deal with any of his medical issues. He wants to die. He says those words almost daily. I go visit him every morning before the caregivers arrive. Every day I walk in thinking this might be the day. Each day, “Good morning Dad. You awake?” Pause. “Yep.” Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

I 100% feel you on this @HawkeyeShawn . Its a difficult cycle to endure.

 

[JustSayOV]

My wife died a month ago at 75. She was a 30 year serious cancer survivor, but died from other medical reasons following 3 years of full care where I was the caregiver.

I hope to go like my maternal grandpa an avid baseball fan, he died at a baseball game in Briggs Stadium, later known as Tiger Stadium.

Sorry to hear this @3 and Out on D , my condolences. Being the primary caregiver is TOUGH.


Your second comment reminds me of the great Todd Snider who would like to tell the story between songs (was a joke) that he "wanted to die peacefully in his sleep like his grandfather had....not screaming and crying like everyone else in the car"

 

[jasonrann]

My wife died a month ago at 75. She was a 30 year serious cancer survivor, but died from other medical reasons following 3 years of full care where I was the caregiver.

I hope to go like my maternal grandpa an avid baseball fan, he died at a baseball game in Briggs Stadium, later known as Tiger Stadium.

I am very sorry for your loss, good sir. I wish we had more people on this planet like you.

 

[jonesy5960]

It's not about you. It's about those that are left behind. Death is easy on those doing the dying

Silly statement. It's about how you die.

 

[onlyTheObvious]

I don’t want to see my parents suffer from dementia but I also just don’t want them to die today when they are in their 80’s and doing fine.

There is no perfect world.

 

[beanerhawk]

It's not about you. It's about those that are left behind. Death is easy on those doing the dying

Because you don't want to watch the people you love see you struggle knowing it's hard on them maybe?

 

[pink shizzle]

Die early. My mom passed away when I was 21, out of nowhere. It hurt pretty damn bad.

My friend's mom recently passed away after years of battling dementia and that seemed much worse.

 

[McLovin32]

It was pretty hard on my friend who died at 40 from brain cancer.

I just had a friend pass away a few weeks ago from lung cancer at 36. Left behind a spouse and young child. Needless to say, the whole "dying" part wasn't too easy on her either knowing what she was leaving behind.

 

[St. Louis Hawk]

I’m currently taking care of my 84 year old father. Survived cancer 8 years ago. Survived a stroke 4 years ago. He’s now 90% immobile. He can only transfer from hospital bed to wheel chair, wheel chair to lift recliner. His mind is still sharp. His days consist of watching TV and visiting with the caregivers I have staying with him 13 hours per day. The caregivers and I have been taking care of him now for the last 4 years.

He’s miserable every second of every day. He’s in constant pain from 60+ years of working construction, arthritis in every joint. He’s also dealing with major digestive problems which he complains about 24/7. He refuses to go to the doctor and deal with any of his medical issues. He wants to die. He says those words almost daily. I go visit him every morning before the caregivers arrive. Every day I walk in thinking this might be the day. Each day, “Good morning Dad. You awake?” Pause. “Yep.” Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

Sorry you are going through this.

Both my parents died of cancer. Both ended up in hospice care. One went in about 4 weeks, the other in 9. Both periods seemed like forever.

I don’t know how you are handling 4 years.

I would pick fast. Watching them deteriorate was tough. Worst part is when they lost the power of speech but wanted to say something. Horrible.

The only favorable thing I would say about going slow is that I got to have some pretty cool conversations with them while their minds were still sharp and they could still speak.

And a good memory I have is on a shift change between my sister, and me, my Dad was sleeping. My sister nudges him to say she was leaving and I was here to take care of him - he looked over at me and just smiled.

I will take that smile with me to my grave.

 

[JMNSHO]

It's not about you. It's about those that are left behind. Death is easy on those doing the dying

Tell me you've never worked in a nursing home without telling me you've never worked in a nursing home.

 

[fredjr82]

It was pretty hard on my friend who died at 40 from brain cancer.

Silly statement. It's about how you die.

I just had a friend pass away a few weeks ago from lung cancer at 36. Left behind a spouse and young child. Needless to say, the whole "dying" part wasn't too easy on her either knowing what she was leaving behind.

Tell me you've never worked in a nursing home without telling me you've never worked in a nursing home.

Agreed and I stated as much above. I guess my statement was more AFTER the person had died. Not during their poor health into death.

 

[BrianNole777]

I just had a friend pass away a few weeks ago from lung cancer at 36. Left behind a spouse and young child. Needless to say, the whole "dying" part wasn't too easy on her either knowing what she was leaving behind.

Wow. Sorry.

Did she smoke?

 

[BrianNole777]

Fast.

I'd stop treatment at age 75 or so and start praying for trillions of years of bliss.