- Sep 13, 2002
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I Brought a Priceless Work of Art Into My Sex Life. Now Everything Is Falling Apart.
My marble Greek goddess has now been shipped away.
ADVICE BY RICH JUZWIAKDEC 06, 20232:47 PM
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I (46m) work in historic art preservation, a relatively small field, so I have obscured some details of this letter for privacy. A co-worker and I began having an affair at work (she is married and chose not to disclose our secret to anyone) about six months ago. She is incredibly talented, attractive, and sexual. We would wait until after work hours to sneak back into the storage areas of our workplace, where we would engage in all sorts of sexual fantasies, many involving art, which is a career and passion for us both.
About a month into our trysting, I was receiving an excellent blow job behind a somewhat famous neoclassical marble statue, which happened to be in our workshop being serviced. Right before I could orgasm, I had a sudden bout of dizziness, which occasionally happens to me, so to steady myself and without thinking, I reached out and grabbed the statue. To be more specific, I grabbed the larger-than-life marble ass cheek of a Greek goddess. The cold hardness and sensual curves of the statue combined with the hot (real) woman sucking me off, and overwhelmed my sensory brain. It was a good orgasm. My partner noticed, and we began incorporating the statue into our sex game, at one point having pretend threesomes, and even a crisis when bodily fluids needed emergency cleanup on a priceless work of art. I even found myself fondling this artwork while I masturbated alone late after hours.
Unfortunately, the work on our love statue was completed about two months ago, and the project was packed and shipped back to its museum home, leaving me unable to be aroused. I have not been able to get erect since the statue has gone. I considered commissioning a replica, but a full-size marble and place to put it is beyond my modest means. My partner has been upset with my newfound erectile dysfunction and doesn’t believe that I am sincerely love-lorn over a piece of sculpted rock. She tried to tempt me with an offer to find a woman to dress up and participate in the same pose as our sculpture, but I can’t imagine hiring a person to do something so silly. This is the longest I have gone in my adult life without being aroused.
—Marble Mania
Dear Marble Mania,
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There’s something about the formal tone and painstaking attention to detail in your letter that makes me wonder whether this is an embellished tale, but I’m willing to play along regardless, as the issue described has much potential to be worked through.
Who says marble is key here? Try commissioning a statue that looks like your beloved out of a more affordable material. Or go shopping for one that already exists—if nothing, it would be interesting to see if you respond to a similar but decidedly different sculpted body. Or try a mannequin or a sex doll. There is, after all, an upside to all of this: There will be no need for you to be putting your hands (or anything else) on a priceless piece of art any longer. For the ED, look into PDE5 inhibitors, and/or a cock ring. Sometimes things that are important are taken from us, and that can be disorienting or even cause certain deficits, but I think it makes more sense to try something, anything here rather than to admit that a marble statue straight up took you down.
