KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1, 2 AND3 !!

Legend12

HR King
Gold Member
Oct 3, 2002
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Moose Creek, Idaho
(Sorry to include Chapter 1, but since it's not on the board any longer I felt the need to include it.)

Chapter One

I had heard of the one they call HawkNate, but he was more myth than man to me. We had both been living in Kakertville for sometime, me since October 3rd, 2002 and him since January 4th, 2003, yet our paths had never crossed. But that was all about to change.
After hearing so much about his exploits I sent him an email and suggested that we combine our livers into one big Yagermeister holding cell and take the town by storm. He replied that he would be a willing participant and that we need to drink as much beer as we can while alive because, as all Hawkeyes know, “in heaven there is no beer.”
The plan was to meet up with HawkNate on a Friday evening in his neighborhood and spend the next 48 hours drinking, chasing skirts, debating off the wall issues and in general making fools of ourselves. Not wanting to leave others out of the fun he had arranged for 2 of his cronies, brantshawks and Hawkeye_Kegmaster, to join us for the festivities.
I rang the door bell, and as the door slowly creaked open I came face to face with the Yagerbomber himself, HawkNate.
“Is everybody ready?” I asked, while extending my hand to greet my new drinking partner.
He studied my outstretched hand for a moment and then extended his. But instead of a firm handshake I was greeted with a glass containing the nectar of the gods…Jagermeister and Red Bull. “It’s on,” I declared as we tossed our shots back.
“Looks like it’s just you and I, Legend12, so I hope you have your drinking shoes on.” He stepped out onto the deck, grabbed a couple of lawn chairs and handed one to me and set his up next to the stereo he was now fiddling with.
“Where are the other 2 guys tonight?” I asked.
He slowly shook his head in an obvious sign of disapproval as he began to talk. “Well, Keggy got married a while back and I haven’t seen much of him lately. I think he just sits at home and stares at the jar above his fireplace.”
“A jar? Why is he staring at a jar?”
“Well, rumor has it that is where his wife put his balls and he can now only dream of being the man he once was.” He had finally got the radio tuned into the station he wanted and turned it up so we could both hear it.
He dipped into the cooler at his side and pulled out 2 ice cold Budweisers and handed me one.
“What station do you listen to around here?”
He turned his John Deere hat sideways in a feeble attempt to look Ashton Kutcheresque and said “Well, I used to listen to a local guy, but he went bankrupt not too long ago and hasn’t been the same since. Now I pull in a station from the ‘Loo area and listen to this guy who calls himself NewsBreaker.”
“Does he break much news?”
“Well, he does have his moments, but most of his storylines somehow turn into rants about how Cub fans are the most dedicated fans in the world.”
“Does he know that 90% of supposed Cub fans think Kerry Wood is what their dining room table is made of?”
“Legend, you and I both know that, but trying to talk sense to some of these Cubs fans is kind of like trying to convince our friends that Mr. Hawk is a pretty decent guy.”
“True dat…but Carolina Hawk sat next to Mr. Hawk at a bowl game and he said that while he obviously enjoys getting people all worked up, he really is a good guy.”
HawkNate’s head shook again, this time in disbelief. “Speaking of Carolina Hawk, are any of the other Carolinians coming this weekend?”
“No, not this time…NC Hawk said he is watching the kids while his wife is Garage Sailing and IWWHTA1E has to meet with the police.”
“Police? What did he do?”
“That crazy ass kid jokingly gave someone his social security number and ATM password and they’ve stolen his identity.”
HawkNate finished off his bottle of Bud and reached for 2 more, which I took as a sign that I needed to slam the remaining 1/3 of my beer. So I did.
“Thanks! Bud and Jager, what a great way to start the weekend. Hey, you never told me why the other guy wasn’t coming out with us.”
“Oh yeah, brantshawks. Let me start by saying I’ve known him quite awhile and he’s been out with me plenty of times, but I’m not so sure about him anymore.”
“Really? Why not?”
“Well, he was all pumped and ready to go out with us tonight but then he sent me an email and said he couldn’t go because a new DVD set was coming out today that he had been waiting for so he was just going to do that.”
I nodded in understanding, “Sure, I can see that, I’m like that every time a new season of NYPD Blue is released.”
Nate reached into the cooler and brought out what could best be described as a little piece of heaven….a pitcher of Jagerbombs! He filled 2 Hooters labeled rocks glasses, handed me one and toasted, “To Kakertville!”
“To Kakertville,” I echoed.
Nate set his glass down and looked out across the lawn and seemed to be choosing his next words carefully.
“Legend, have you ever been to Best Buy?”
“What kind of crazy ass question is that? Of course
I have!”
“Well, I go there quite a bit, and I always check the latest DVD releases to make sure I have all the movies and shows I want.”
“Ok, I’m the same way, what’s the big deal?”
“Well, there’s only one DVD set that comes out today.” He took a long, slow drink from his bottle and stared at me for a minute before deciding to finish his thought. “The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, uncensored.”
That bit of information hung in the air between us like a hammock between 2 oak trees. I knew that there were no words that I could offer that would ease his pain and provide comfort. His drinking, golfing and carousing buddy was, at best, a metrosexual.
I thought it best that we get our minds right for the evening so I poured us a shot, held up my glass, and toasted with my new friend, “Go Hawks!”
HawkNate tossed back his shot and then leapt to his feet. “You know what we need? Bitches! Are any of your lady friends coming this weekend?”
“Well,” I started, “Hawkgrl17 is probably going to come in from Omaha this weekend to meet us, but she’ll call first as she doesn’t know the area very well and will need some directions.”
“Ok…give me her phone number and I’ll have one of my buddies call her. He’s from this area so he’ll be better at directions than either one of us.”
It sounded like a good idea to me. I mean, what was this guy going to do, call her the “C” word or something?
We finished our beers as Nate tried to map out a plan of attack for the evening. Eventually we decided we would just head out on foot and let fate take over from there. He handed me a beer and suggested I grab another as it was about 8 blocks to the bar we were going to start at.
“Uh, isn’t walking down the street with a beer illegal? I am sure the cops in your area wouldn’t approve of this, would they?”
HawkNate just laughed at me and slid a bottle of Bud into his pocket. “It’s a little different over here. We don’t even have police. We have what we call Admins.”
“Admins?? Please explain.”
“Admins don’t arrest you for minor transgressions. What they do is simply erase from memory anything you do wrong, as long as it isn’t TOO severe.”
“WOW! That sounds great; I’ve made a few mistakes in my life that I would like to have erased.”
“Same here. But the best part is even if your crime is so heinous you are not allowed in the neighborhood all you have to do is change your name and you can be back walking the neighborhood in minutes.”
Armed with this new bit of information I slid a bottle into each front pocket and we headed for the door. We walked in silence for a bit as I enjoyed the smells of freshly cut grass and burgers on the grill.
“I notice no one has fences around their yards, is there a reason for that?”
HawkNate smiled approvingly at my observation. “Yeah, one of my neighbors, 01BizGrad, took it upon himself to get a new ordinance passed making property line fences illegal. He said fences were tearing at the root of our society and he was not going to stand pat while his town succumbed to social decay.”
“Mmmm…sounds like an interesting fellow.”
“Oh, you just wait, there’s plenty more like him that you’ll meet this weekend.”
We crossed the street and suddenly I realized I had been here before. “Hey…this is the cemetery where my father is buried.”
“Yeah, I hadn’t met you when that happened, but I can assure you that all of the people you’ll meet tonight extended their thoughts and prayers to you and your family at that time.”
I came to a stop and stared across the cemetery. HawkNate followed my gaze and saw what I saw. There, up in a corner of the cemetery was a man sitting beside a tombstone, apparently talking to himself. “Do you know him?”
“Yes, I do. That is TAIHawk.”
“Is he crazy? He appears to be talking but no one else is there.”
“No, he’s not crazy. He’s talking to Nikki, his wife who passed away some time ago. She was taken from him much too early and he has turned to us many times during this time of need. Our neighborhood is like a family…there is plenty of fighting but boy when someone needs something we band together”
“Wow, this must be a pretty close group of people.”
“It’s really amazing how this neighborhood is full of people who have never met but they know so much about one another.”
I didn’t realize it, but while we had talked we had begun walking again and we were now in front of the high school. “Is this where you went to high school?”
HawkNate’s chest swelled with pride. “It sure is, the best 5 years of my life were spent in this building.”
There was a football field beside the school and I saw what were obviously a father and son standing in the middle of the field while the father read something to the son.
“Who is that?”
“Oh, that’s nolookpass and his kid. The kid was one of hell of an athlete and nolookpass wrote a little tribute to him that we convinced him to give to his kid before he took off for college.”
There seemed to be quite a gathering up ahead, so we quickened our pace to see what was going on. On the porch of a grand home was a man standing at a dais, speaking to the masses as they all nodded in agreement with his every word.
“Who is that? And more importantly,” I asked while perusing the crowd, “who are they.”
“That’s Iza. He’s best described as the most respected speaker of the community. He has quite a following as you can tell. Now some of these people just like to hear what he as to say, others try to carry his message but fail.”
“What are they some sort of cult?”
“Well, that’s not a bad description, but we just call them Want of Bees.”
One person stood out to me more than all the rest. He wasn’t in the group but across the street outside a different house. He was listening to the speech Iza was giving, but he seemed hesitant to join the crowd.
I handed HawkNate my empty bottle and fished another one from my pocket as I crossed the street to talk to this lonely soul.
“Hi, I’m Legend12,” I introduced myself.
“Hey, I’m HawkI5403, are you with all those people?” a shy voice answered back.
“No, I’m just passing thru. What about you, how come you’re not over there with all the Want of Bees?”
I noticed he kept looking down at his cell phone, but I refrained from telling him a watched pot never boils.
“Well, I am hoping they ask me to join them, but I’m like Rudolph,”
“Huh, what does Eric Rudolph have to do with this?”
I was becoming more puzzled by the minute.
“I meant the reindeer…I never get invited to join in the reindeer games. They know I want to be invited but it never happens.”
By now HawkNate had wandered over and heard what we were talking about. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Besides, if it really starts to get you down you can always join the TKC.”
Obviously perplexed, but happy to be involved in a conversation with others, he was not about to let ignorance stand in the way of human interaction. “Huh? What is the TKC?”
Nate took a deep draw from his beer and we both realized we were going to be in need of more beer very soon, but he wanted to help HawkI5403 out, so he delayed our departure to answer the question.
“The TKC was formed by people very much like you. They always had something to say but could never find anyone to listen or reply to their thoughts. So they formed a group that is now legendary, albeit to the consternation of some.”
“Wow! I need to meet these people.”
“Yes, you do…now go inside and wait for their phone call.”
With that HawkNate and I continued our trek and soon came upon what would be our first bar of the weekend. Just as HawkNate was reaching the door it flew open and a man came running out screaming for someone to save him. Luckily we were both paralyzed by shock and didn’t take another step because a second later another man came running out of the bar waving a dictionary over his head in a menacing manner.
He paused when he saw us and turned to HawkNate and asked, “Which way did that little prick moses.oatmeal go?”
Now, there is no doubt that if HawkNate had pointed the direction in which the man had run that an ugly situation would have gotten much worse. But HawkNate used the wisdom that one acquires from 5 years of high school and did his best to defuse the situation.
“Matt_teach, settle down. What’s the deal?”
“I was playing scrabble with some guys and moses.oatmeal caught me misspelling a word!”
“Uh….that’s the name of the game, isn’t it?”
“It was just a game between friends so it wasn’t that big of a deal…but he’s been in the bar for over an hour telling everybody how stupid I am and I just can’t take it anymore.”
And with that he took off down the sidewalk, in search of his prey.
We pushed open the door and made our way to the bar to order a couple of cold ones. As we waited for the bartender to make his way to us, I decided to ask HawkNate about an observation I had made during my short time with him.
“Uh, HawkNate, I notice that the only people we have seen so far have been guys. Where are all the women and children of the community?”
“Yeah, we need more women. But many of the members of the neighborhood start to pant and grovel at the mere mention of a member of the opposite sex. When your friend 17 shows up this weekend you’ll find out what I mean. Also, most women find the things the guys of the neighborhood talk about repulsive and/or boring.”
I turned and realized the bartender was waiting for our order. “Welcome to Wiggy’s, what can I get you?” A question immediately came to mind, but I refrained from asking it and just ordered two Buds. As the bartender went to get the beers I turned to HawkNate and asked him the question that had popped into my mind. “What in the hell is with that guy? Is that a wig, or does he have a black and gold afro?”
“That’s Iowa Wigman. A few years back he made a name for himself by wearing that wig to Iowa basketball games. And he has since parlayed his 15 minutes of fame into being the proprietor of this establishment.”
As HawkNate had been talking, a man seated at the bar had turned and listened to each and every word with great concern. And it was obvious that as soon as HawkNate was done the man was going to put his two cents in.
“You might want to tell your friend here that Iowa Wigman was popular because it used to be fun to be a fan. But now with that sumbitch Alford here bringing our program down to the ‘next level’ being a fan isn’t fun. I’d just as soon watch my crops die a slow death from a drought than see that man coach another game for my beloved Hawkeyes.” And that was how I met Soybean. I introduced myself and as soon as the beers were in hand we made our way to the end of the bar where 2 stools had opened up.
I got Iowa Wigman’s attention and ordered up a couple of Jagerbombs for us and glanced around the room to see what other characters I may see.


Chapter 2

HawkNate and I tossed back our shots and as he placed the glass on the bar he said, “Ya know, Legend, I think we should take a brief respite from Jagerbombs so I can show you this crazy art gallery next door.”
“An art gallery? Around here?” I asked in awe.
“Well, you’ll see why it fits into this neighborhood.” He tossed his beer back, set his empty bottle on the bar and headed for the door, assuming I would follow.
I followed him out the door of Wiggy’s and realized the streets had come alive with activity.
“Wow! People here really like to socialize after work, don’t they?”
HawkNate chuckled before he replied, “Yeah, normally we are out in Clive on a Friday, but tonight I thought we’d stay close by so you can meet more the locals.”
A man approached us and I could see HawkNate try to side step him, but to no avail.
“Hey, HawkNate,” the guy started talking a mile a minute, “what kind of shoes do you like? Who is your favorite president? What regular at Wiggy’s is most likely to have a $100 bill in their pocket? What is your favorite Michael Jackson song?”
“DEREK02, I really don’t have time for this right now,” HawkNate said as he gently pushed his way passed the man.
I followed him into a doorway and he turned to me before entering, “What you are about to see is a travesty, to say the least.”
We walked into a well lit room where the walls were painted a glossy white. In the middle of the room stood a man, oblivious to the fact we had entered the room. He began to speak, in a voice that sounded as if it was meant to be heard by the masses. “Here we have the beautiful Veronica. Notice the long, flowing brunette hair which gently drapes over her shoulders, accenting the perfect body on the perfect woman. Her eyes speak to you as she looks deep into your soul, and without ever moving her lips she can say a million words.”
In an attempt to not interrupt our speaker I leaned towards HawkNate and whispered, “Who in the hell is that, and what in the hell is going on?”
He tried to stifle a laugh and replied, “That is Hawkeye_til_I_Die. He stands here every night and raves about these women, but, and this pisses everyone off...HE NEVER PUTS THEIR PICTURES ON THE WALL!”
With that HawkNate turned, put his hand on my shoulder and guided me out the door. “Come on my friend, there is much more to see around here.”
We continued on down the street and passed a coffee shop where, in the corner of the outdoor patio, sat a young man reading alone. HawkNate nudged me and nodded towards the lonely soul, “That’s the Howler, one of the self-proclaimed intellects of the neighborhood.”
“Does he get picked on very much for such a trait?” I asked.
“Nah, not much, after all, every guy in his right mind wants to hang out with him.”
“Why?”
“His mom is HOT!”
We both laughed as we began walking again. “Where are we headed now, HawkNate?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I need a beer, so I thought another bar would be in order.”
“Sounds good to me, I’m never one to turn down a cold one.”
Two skinny guys went flying past us, dressed in black running shorts and gold tee shirts with ‘Hawkeyes’ emblazoned on the back.
“Go, boys, go!” HawkNate cheered. “That was Ivan_Drago and {Pe^Air}, they are going off to Iowa to run track. The entire community is proud of them.”
“That’s cool and all, HawkNate, but I need a beer.”
“Then let’s cross the street and hit that little bar there. It’s owned by a friend of mine, PervisEllison.”
“Tall Tales? That’s a crazy name for a bar. What is that all about?”
“HA! HA! PervisEllison gained fame in this neighborhood by telling some unbelievable stories about his adventures in Oklahoma. At first they seemed realistic, but over time people started to doubt him. So he played on his reputation by opening this bar.”
By this time we were at the door, “Well, he sells beer, so I’m a fan.”
But before I could turn the handle our attention was turned back towards the street as a 1976 Nova came barreling across the median and plowing into a Ford Explorer that had been parked at the curb.
“HOLY SHIT!” HawkNate shouted. “Should we go help this guy?”
I just smiled and shook my head. “No need. That’s one of my North Carolina boys.”
“How can you tell?” He asked.
“Look at the back window of the Explorer, do you see that sticker?”
HawkNate peered at the vehicle and read the sticker aloud, “w04?”
“Yep…and that means the driver of the car is none other than NC_Hawk!”
We could see NC_Hawk in the driver’s seat, grinning from ear to ear. “Well, I guess he can catch up with us after the admins are done with him.”
We turned and made our way into Tall Tales and were amazed by how empty it was. HawkNate stepped to the bar and ordered a couple of Budweisers and asked the bartender where everyone was.
“Well, Mike Z arranged a little trip today to see our friends at Warchant, but they should be back soon.”
“Legend12,” HawkNate stated, “meet dalynchmob, he’s the Friday night bartender here.”
I reached across the bar to shake the young man’s hand, “A pleasure to meet you, dalynchmob.”
“Of course it is,” he replied, “’cause I’m HOT!”
HawkNate rolled his eyes and led us to a table by the window so we could watch the streets come alive.
Just then a man and his daughter walked by. Or at least I THOUGHT was a man and his daughter. When they started making out I was certainly hoping that was not the case. They noticed us watching and the gentleman gave us the thumbs up.
HawkNate hollered out to them “Way to go Ice! And HawkChickie…I’m still waiting for you to hook me up with one of your friends!”
They both waved and smiled and continued on their way.
“Are they friends of yours?” I inquired, “Maybe they want to join us for a cold one.”
“No, I think they are out looking for Icemanx722’s dad, Sambud. He had a disagreement with Mayor Tom and hasn’t been around much lately.”
“Mayor Tom? Who is that?”
HawkNate smiled before replying, “Mayor Tom runs Kakertville. He is in charge of all the Admins and such. He does a pretty fair job, in my estimation, but with this many constituents it’s hard to keep us all happy.”
“Does he come around very much?” I asked.
“No, not really. He generally sticks to worrying about sports but every once in awhile he’ll let his true feelings be known and that can cause a problem.”
We heard it before we saw it. A loud murmur in the distance which was growing louder by the second. We peered up the street and saw a mass of people headed our way.
“There’s Mike Z!” shouted Nate, pointing to the man leading the charge.
“What in the hell is he carrying?” I wondered aloud.
“JESUS! Legend12, that’s a Florida State Flaming Spear! He must have let a pretty successful migration to return with a prize like that!”
“HawkNate…look behind him…there are actually some people wearing Indian headdresses! He looks like the friggin’ Pied Piper of Posting.”
The crowd reached us in a hurry and surged into the bar. The commotion was like none I had ever seen before. And out of the blue there as a woman! The first woman I had seen on this adventure.
She came over and gave HawkNate a big hug and then introduced herself to me. “Hi! I’m WendyNehring.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Wendy. How did you get hooked up with all these crazy bastards?”
“Well, most of these guys need a little sisterly guidance and that is what I provide.”
And with that she was on her way to the bar to try and keep peace between 2 men who had begun arguing quite loudly.
One man had long, flowing Jesus like hair and was in fact wearing Birkenstocks, too. “Yes, I understand you like it here in Kakertville! But one must also concede that to grow and see the points of others you must walk in their shoes, or sandals, as the case may be. But since I walk on water, you must be careful when following me.”
The other man, decked out in pure black and gold from head to toe, was eager to reply, “Yes, NPRLover, I agree. But you wingnut radicals do nothing to impress upon me a desire to walk in your shoes. All you do is rely on the past to predict the future when in reality you just need to know that Bush is right, you’re wrong! And if you doubt me I can quote several GOP bloggers that back up this assertion!”
The long haired one just shook his head. “Pjhawk, pjhawk. I am in awe of the depth that your lack of understanding conveys. What you and every other person in this community need to know is this: TEXAS KICKS ASS!”
By this time WendyNehring had arrived and began to quiet both men down.
HawkNate looked out the window and had a look of shock on his face.
I immediately turned and followed is gaze and could not blame him for staring. For walking our way was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. And behind her were about 20 guys, lapping up every word she said.
HawkNate was barely able to talk, but he let out a hoarse whisper, “Who is that?”
“That, my friend, is Hawkgrl17.”
“But, but…” for the first time in his life HawkNate was speechless.
“I know what you’re thinking. Yes, her rack is HUGE. She promised me if I gave her a boob job that she’d get naked…so we’ll see how tonight goes.”


Chapter 3

Hawkgrl17 came up and gave me a big hug and I then introduced her to HawkNate. He seemed to hang on her ever word, but then I realized he was just trying to look down her shirt.
Her followers had dispersed, but one guy hung back and was taking pics of us at an alarming rate. “Hey, 17,” I asked, “do you know that guy takings pictures?”
“Oh, that’s nolesfan911, he’s been trying to get pics of me for quite awhile so I guess this is his opportunity.”
HawkNate grabbed my arm and headed for the door, “Come on, Legend12, I have some other places I want to show you.”
Hawkgrl17 joined us as we made our way out the door. “Where are we headed?” she asked.
HawkNate wiped the drool from his chin as he tried once again to look down her shirt. “There are so many more people I want Legend12 and yourself to meet.”
As we reached the sidewalk 2 men, walking hand in hand, crossed our path and while I could not hear what they were talking about, I heard one of them mumble something about the church telling him how to live.
“Who was that?” I inquired to HawkNate.
“Oh…that was Grant Wood and his partner.”
“The other guy seemed to just be listening and not saying a word…is that normal?”
“Yeah, that’s Hozz. He’s been around these parts for quite a while but no one has ever heard him utter a word.”
We made our way down the street when we heard someone screaming. We looked across the way and saw a man standing naked alone screaming out the top of his lungs.
“Come on, you bastards! I have a huge tool! I’ll kick your butts! I have a huge tool!”
I glanced at Hawkgrl17 to see how she was reacting to the words. She was just giggling and then managed to say “He’s probably lying about kicking anybody’s butt, because he’s sure lying about having a big tool!”
HawkNate laughed and said “That’s Hawk-a-loogey. He thinks he’s the town bad ass, but he’s just talk.”
Just as I started to turn and start walking again someone ran by me, barely missing me. And then before I could gather my thoughts, 3 men in wheel chairs came careening around the corner. They paused for a moment and then the one in front pointed at the man who had just passed me. “There he is!” He hollered, and within seconds they 3 were off and wheeling after the man.
“Who in the hell was that?” Asked Hawkgrl17.
This was one I could answer. “That was TheBigHumanHawk who went running by. He used the handicapped stall at a football game awhile back and since then the handicapable community has been after him.”
“Oh, that’s crazy. How do you know him?”
“I was in a golf outing with him sometime ago.”
“You golf? Are you any good?”
“I am decent when I am sober. That day I was not, so TheBigHumanHawk and frakes had to carry me for the sake of our team.”
HawkNate had been without a beer for at least 30 minutes and was starting to get the shakes, so I thought it would be best for us to have a cold one. “Ok, HakwNate, let’s find the next watering hole and have out 1st beer with Hawkgrl17.”
HawkNate had a little extra bounce in his step as he turned the corner and headed for a dark building with a single neon sign above the door.
“WOW!” I said, reading the sign. “How cool is it they have a bar named after me?”
“What are you talking about?” Hawkgrl17 asked. “It’s my name up in lights. Or did you change your name to hawkgrl17 and not tell me?”
“Huh? It’s right there, it says Legend12. Are you going mad?”
By this time HawkNate was doubled over in laughter as he listened to Hawkgrl17 and I argue.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“This is Talking Goat’s bar. His sign is designed to appear as if it reads your name, so each person sees there own name so it tends to be a bit confusing.”
“Wow! That’s crazy, I bet people get pretty confused, huh?” I inquired.
“Oh yeah…and people have added words to the sign at time and to say people have gotten upset would be an understatement.”
Just then Mike Zierath and Todd Brommelkamp came out the door, proudly wearing their Admin Uniforms, walking on each side of a man who was obviously being escorted from the vicinity. The man being led away started screaming in a high pitched voice, “Yankees rule! Yankees are great! Red Sox suck! I hate the Cubs! Go Yankees! We own the World Series! I love the Yankees!”
HawkNate just shook his head as we side stepped the 3 men and opened the door. “That was Valpoguy. He at one time was a valuable member to the community but has recently just started ruining all conversations with his outbursts about the Yankees.”
We sauntered to the bar, with every male’s head being turned to catch a glimpse of the wonder that is Hawkgrl17, and ordered 3 beers from the bartender. As he handed me my Budweiser he looked me up and down, “You’re not from here, are you?”
“No, I am not,” I replied, “How did you know?”
“Well, your watch is set an hour ahead of everyone else’s around here, so you probably get a bit confused when conversing with people from this area, don’t you?”
“You seem to know a little bit about me, so let me introduce myself, I’m Legend12.”
He shook my outstretched hand, “I know your voice, I’m Hawkness Monster, I talked to you one night when you had lost your phone.”
My mind immediately recalled a story I had heard about this man, and it had nothing to do with a phone call. “Great to meet you,” I said as I headed for the men’s room to wash my hands.
When I came back from the men’s room I say HawkNate and Hawkgrl17 talking to a clean shaven bald man and a woman who seemed to be attempting to reason with HawkNate. I reached the group and slapped the bald man on his back, “Welcome, Carolina Hawk! I am glad you and twain32 could make it.”
“We’re always good for a road trip, Legend12, you know that!”
HawkNate turned to the bar and ordered a round of Jagerbombs, ”I need 5 ‘bombs, Hawkness!”
“MAKE THAT 6!” A voice roared from the door.
KRNA Kid, one of my friends from way back, had decided to join in the fun. We got our shots and as we all prepared to do our shot, I suggested we toast KRNA Infant, the most recent member to the HROT family.
The party was now really starting to get going, and we decided to make ourselves at home for a bit so grabbed a table near the door so we could watch people come and go.
The waitress brought us a bottle of Jager and set it on the table. “What is this?” KRNA Kid wanted to know.
She nodded towards the bar and pointed out a man wearing a black and gold shirt with the number 6 on the back. “He’s buying bottles for the bar and wanted to send one your way.”
I thought that seemed a little odd, so wanted to make sure it wasn’t a mistake. “Are you sure he wants to do this?”
“Yes, he does, we are cutting him a deal and only charging him $250 per bottle tonight.” And with that she turned and continued with her duties.
The Alford-hater from earlier in the evening, Soybean, walked in and headed for the bar and grabbed a seat. They were close enough that I could hear what they were saying and was amazed at their conversation. It seemed they had both been in the same rural area in the past and saw a creature they could not identify. From the seriousness of their voices it was obvious both were very sincere.
Soon their talk had attracted the attention of others and what at first was genuine curiosity from others quickly turned into scorn and ridicule.
After too much verbal abuse Soybean pushed away from the bar and glared at those that were mocking him. “You guys are assholes. I am sorry you can’t tell I am serious and have to resort to making fun of us. I have had it with this place…I’m outta here.”
As Soybean stormed out HawkNate, who had also been watching and listening to the exchange, just shook his head. “He’ll be back. They always come back.”
When Soybean reached the door another figure was coming in. The 2 men exchanged a hug and seemed to have a bond that didn’t need to be spoken. “Are they related?” I asked.
“No, that’s IAFever, and it goes even deeper than that. They are 2 of our veterans who have seen action. They don’t talk about it much, but when they do people listen, or at least they should. They don’t always get the respect they deserve.”
Carolina Hawk and twain32 stood up and said their goodbyes, they had a weekend at the beach planned and wanted to get a start on their drive.
KRNA Kid was busy walking aimlessly around the bar showing anyone and everyone pictures of his little one, not realizing that more people seemed interested in his 2006 NCAA preview than they did about his little angel.
Hawkgrl17 leaned over close, and whispered in my ear, “Can we go outside and talk? There’s something I want to tell you.”

END OF CHAPTER 3

This post was edited on 10/4 6:04 AM by Legend12if(GetAdminCookie() != 0) {document.write(' (Revisions[/URL])');}
 

HawkI5403

HR All-American
Nov 8, 2004
3,943
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

LOL, the last line might be the best.

And I STILL have the longest part in this book besides Legend and Nate.
 

Legend12

HR King
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Oct 3, 2002
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Yeah...the actual Chapter 2 is a bit longer...but that seemed like an EXCELLENT point(y) to end the post.
 

Sal_Paradise

HR Legend
Jan 15, 2002
15,110
3
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Nice work Legend! I think you got PJhawk a little wrong, but I'm not complaining. Very entertaining.
 

Legend12

HR King
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Oct 3, 2002
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

I think the board perceives pj a little over the top so I was just running with it. I hope it doesn't offend him, that was not my intention.
 

Sal_Paradise

HR Legend
Jan 15, 2002
15,110
3
36
Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Oh he's over the top, but over the top in the opposite direction you have him going. That's cool though, that means you aren't too stuck in the political threads, I envy you there.
 

Legend12

HR King
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Oct 3, 2002
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

I know he uses the term wingnut ALL the time...but not sure if that fits one party or two. I never get involved in the pol debates as I am as uneducated as humanly possible in that field and most of what is said goes over my head.
 

Sal_Paradise

HR Legend
Jan 15, 2002
15,110
3
36
Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

No problem. But he is referring to republicans when he calls them wingnuts. Hey, it's a funny ironic picture you've painted.

Sorry to fill your thread with these replies, I'll step back now and let it continue as it should. Thanks again, it's fun reading.
 

Legend12

HR King
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Oct 3, 2002
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Originally posted by Sal_Paradise:
No problem. But he is referring to republicans when he calls them wingnuts. Hey, it's a funny ironic picture you've painted.

Sorry to fill your thread with these replies, I'll step back now and let it continue as it should. Thanks again, it's fun reading.

Uh, yeah..that's what I was trying to do!
 

Hawkness Monster

HR Legend
Gold Member
Feb 22, 2005
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Nice work, Legend! This is the most anticipated work since the new Harry Potter came out.
 

Crazy Hawk

HR Legend
Jan 10, 2003
28,842
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Seriously...is HawkNate gonna lose his cherry or what?

To leave us like that is just awful.....not to mention the case of blueballs that Nate has now.
 

Austin&Hawk

HR All-American
Mar 2, 2003
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Originally posted by Hawkness Monster:
Nice work, Legend! This is the most anticipated work since the new Harry Potter came out.

I camped out at my computer until after midnight last night dressed as HawkNate waiting for this chapter.
 

HawkI5403

HR All-American
Nov 8, 2004
3,943
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Was this the shirt you had on then?

GayBoyz.jpg
 

Legend12

HR King
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Oct 3, 2002
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Not sure...this is probably the last one that will be posted here...I think the rest will be posted on my website so they don't get too burdensome.
 

Legend12

HR King
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Oct 3, 2002
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You guys are idiots...

...do you think I would let HawkNate get laid instead of myelf?

The man is a flat out pimp..he can get his own bitches!
 

IaPhoneMan4Hawks

HR Heisman
Oct 14, 2003
6,504
6
38
Re: You guys are idiots...

Very nice work Legend, you're catching most of the flavor of the HROT neiborhood. Keep it up, waiting now for the next installment...
 

Hawkgrl17

HR Heisman
Jan 29, 2005
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Beautiful work once again! I can't wait to see who I really get naked with!
 

Hawkness Monster

HR Legend
Gold Member
Feb 22, 2005
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Originally posted by Hawkgrl17:
Beautiful work once again! I can't wait to see who I really get naked with!

I heard it's going to be nolookpass.

Apparently, you lose a bet in chapter 7.
 

Mike Zierath

When not arguing with you buttheads, I'm fishing.
Staff
Jun 3, 2002
16,283
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Ooohhh,

I think you already know who that will be...

Nice work Legend, but I can't take credit for the Warchant migration, that was HawkinSTL I believe.

Z
 

brantshawks

HR Legend
Feb 27, 2002
16,479
3
38
Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

....there's no way that nate was out with booze and I wasn't even mentioned. As long as the prostitutes stay home, it would be a good night.
 

Pinehawk

HR Legend
Sep 16, 2003
20,018
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Nice job. The Pied Piper of Posting?! Good stuff.
 

Hawkigirl10

HR All-American
Aug 26, 2003
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Originally posted by Hawkgrl17:
Beautiful work once again! I can't wait to see who I really get naked with!

I think it will be 17, Chickie and me getting naked at our HROT slumber party...because we all know that girls get naked and have pillow fights and tickle fights at slumber parties!!
 

Legend12

HR King
Gold Member
Oct 3, 2002
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Thanks, Z...I didn't realize I was legendary.

(You'd think w/ a screen name like mine I would actually ASSUME that's where it was!)
 

Mike Zierath

When not arguing with you buttheads, I'm fishing.
Staff
Jun 3, 2002
16,283
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59
Flower Mound, TX
Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

I think Tom must have put it there. I didn't, but it is worthy.

So, next chapter, you don't have to worry about posting the previous chapter, we'll keep track of them for you...

Z
 

Hawkgrl17

HR Heisman
Jan 29, 2005
5,181
0
36
Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Originally posted by Hawkigirl10:

Originally posted by Hawkgrl17:
Beautiful work once again! I can't wait to see who I really get naked with!

I think it will be 17, Chickie and me getting naked at our HROT slumber party...because we all know that girls get naked and have pillow fights and tickle fights at slumber parties!!

I think you may have hit it on the nail there 10!
 

Carolina Hawk

HR Legend
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Sep 27, 2001
13,354
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Originally posted by Hawkgrl17:

Originally posted by Hawkigirl10:


Originally posted by Hawkgrl17:
Beautiful work once again! I can't wait to see who I really get naked with!

I think it will be 17, Chickie and me getting naked at our HROT slumber party...because we all know that girls get naked and have pillow fights and tickle fights at slumber parties!!

I think you may have hit it on the nail there 10!



Perhaps you 3 ladies would allow me to join in the nakedness and slumber party. I have never been naked with a girl before.
 

Hawkness Monster

HR Legend
Gold Member
Feb 22, 2005
41,804
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Re: KAKERTVILLE: CHAPTERS 1 AND 2!!

Originally posted by Carolina Hawk:

Originally posted by Hawkgrl17:


Originally posted by Hawkigirl10:



Originally posted by Hawkgrl17:
Beautiful work once again! I can't wait to see who I really get naked with!

I think it will be 17, Chickie and me getting naked at our HROT slumber party...because we all know that girls get naked and have pillow fights and tickle fights at slumber parties!!

I think you may have hit it on the nail there 10!



Perhaps you 3 ladies would allow me to join in the nakedness and slumber party. I have never been naked with a girl before.









Of course not. You're bald.