State of Confusion – Aging Iowa Hawkeye Wrestler to Retire Midseason
January 5, 2022
Iowa City – Dramatic controversy continued to plague the Iowa Hawkeye wrestling program over New Year’s Weekend. Besides the bombshell announcement that 3-time defending national champion Spencer Lee’s season is being terminated due to injury, there was much confusion about the potential return of one of the program’s most seasoned veteran wrestlers, 4-time All American Michael Kemerer. A trusted media source with an impeccable record disclosed via Twitter on Saturday that Kemerer – also known affectionately as “Grandpa Mike” to his teammates and fans – is calling it a career with the core of the 2021-22 season only about to begin. The announcement came as a surprise to no one, except Kemerer, who responded via Twitter “Do you know something I don’t know?” Sadly, the answer appears to be ‘yes’ – the aging wrestler had simply forgotten about an earlier decision to retire just 2 weeks prior. The announcement was to be made on January 3rd.
According to sources not authorized to speak on the subject, the team’s medical staff have become increasingly concerned about Grandpa Mike and what appears to be diminishing capacity. Over the Christmas holiday, he received a travel van tricked-out with a chair lift as a retirement gift. A confused Kemerer, however, insists that the van is a senior perk related to his impending return to the mat, which will require extensive travel. Team staff maintain that Kemerer is retiring.
One reliable source (a guy in a Hawkeye shirt) disclosed that the team recently completed a comprehensive review of the Hawkeye Wrestling Club’s financials, discovering that a dwindling slush fund was no longer sufficiently solvent to keep all of Iowa’s senior citizen wrestlers on the roster. With so many tired and decrepit men in the lineup, one wrestler would have to retire to keep funds available for the younger, less expensive guys coming into the program. There was much debate about how to determine who must go, with options ranging from a bingo tournament to an analysis of grandchild expenses to a review of who would have the biggest Social Security payout to cushion the blow. Ultimately, given the timing of the season, the team settled on the age-old test of manhood celebrated during the Festivus holiday – the Feats of Strength. Kemerer did not even make it out of the first round, suffering a shoulder injury to 141-lber Jaydin Eierman and being forced to default.
With Grandpa Mike apparently forgetting about all of these recent events, Head Coach Tom Brands is at peace with the decision. “Mike Kemerer is Mike Kemerer,” said Brands. “He always did things the right way, and we owe him a huge debt of gratitude for bringing Spencer Lee to the Iowa Hawkeyes. We will never forget that.”
Continued Brands, “Unfortunately, there have been some challenges with his memory and his overall health. We always do what is best for our wrestlers, and in this case, what is best for Mike Kemerer is to retire from wrestling and move forward.”
But what if Grandpa Mike insists on continuing his career, and shows up matside in a Hawkeye singlet ready to go out for the 174-lb. match against rival Minnesota this Friday night? What will Brands do?
“In the heat of the moment, I will get between him and the mat and tell him ‘I do not want this’,” replies Brands. “But, if he can remember the script and insist on going out there while looming over me, with the Hawkeye crowd going wild, I will be convinced he is healthy enough to go and, in the heat of the moment, I will send him on out there after a couple of hard smacks across his face. In the heat of the moment.”
The Iowa Hawkeyes host the Minnesota Gophers on Friday, January 7th at 8:00 PM CST. The match will air nationally on the Big Ten Network.
