Religious Advice Needed

[What Would Jesus Do?]

Alexa just announced a "fire weather watch" for my town, starting Wednesday.

Personally, I'd rather not have fires in my neck of the woods.

Which gods do I need to sacrifice to? And what are the best sacrifices?

Don't say "virgins" because I'm pretty sure their existence is a myth.

 

[FAUlty Gator]

Alexa just announced a "fire weather watch" for my town, starting Wednesday.

Personally, I'd rather not have fires in my neck of the woods.

Which gods do I need to sacrifice to? And what are the best sacrifices?

Don't say "virgins" because I'm pretty sure their existence is a myth.

Do the one with the multi-armed elephant and maybe throw in a few Hosannas. That oughta do it.

 

[Bonerfarts]

Alexa just announced a "fire weather watch" for my town, starting Wednesday.

Personally, I'd rather not have fires in my neck of the woods.

Which gods do I need to sacrifice to? And what are the best sacrifices?

Don't say "virgins" because I'm pretty sure their existence is a myth.

Too bad, we got Biden as president. Fires were better under Trump.

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

Too bad, we got Biden as president. Fires were better under Trump.

Good one.

 

[BelemNole]

 

[InsaneHawkJJP]

Don’t F around and find out! Pray to all of them just to be safe. Do some rain dances and throw as many virgins into as many volcanoes as possible. Also post as many boob pics as possible for good GIAHORT karma. You’re welcome and thanks in advance for the boobs.

 

[DooBi]

Sacrifice your neighbors house by burning it down. That way the fire department will be close if yours starts on fire. It'll be an answer to your prayers.

 

[EasyHawk]

We can start a prayer chain.

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

So which is the best brand of sauce to offer as a sacrifice? Rao's?

Can I just eat it, or do I have to set it out on an altar or something?

 

[RollingBallofButcherKnives]

Sacrifice your neighbors house by burning it down. That way the fire department will be close if yours starts on fire. It'll be an answer to your prayers.

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

Sacrifice your neighbors house by burning it down. That way the fire department will be close if yours starts on fire. It'll be an answer to your prayers.

Outstanding. But I don't think I have any MAGA neighbors.

 

[SoProudNole]

The ultimate religous question is "What Would Jesus Do?"

OP is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

 

[Tenacious E]

Alexa just announced a "fire weather watch" for my town, starting Wednesday.

Personally, I'd rather not have fires in my neck of the woods.

Which gods do I need to sacrifice to? And what are the best sacrifices?

Don't say "virgins" because I'm pretty sure their existence is a myth.

Just DM and I will provide you with wiring instructions. I pray to only the best gods, and I will put in a good word for you.

 

[Aardvark86]

Do the one with the multi-armed elephant and maybe throw in a few Hosannas. That oughta do it.

You mean the one homer simpson made fun of?

Just remember though. As Rev. Lovejoy noted, God didn't burn your house down. But he did act through all of your neighbors who tried to save it, whether they be Christian (Flanders), Jew (Krusty), or Miscellaneous (Apu).

 

[Bonerfarts]

Good one.

Trump = religion

 

[BrianNole777]

Here are some:

Prayers in Times of Bad Weather

A Catholic Life is dedicated to teaching and transmitting the Traditional Catholic Faith with a focus on fasting, the Tridentine Mass, and customs.

acatholiclife.blogspot.com

 

[BelemNole]

So which is the best brand of sauce to offer as a sacrifice? Rao's?

Can I just eat it, or do I have to set it out on an altar or something?

Rao's is good but add some fresh garlic and basil.
Try a fresh ricotta gnocchi.

 

[NDallasRuss]

"Tefnut was the goddess of storms and water in the Pharaonic pantheon."

"Her priests were expected to cherish storms, thus it was not uncommon to find them outside during fierce downpours. Their sacrifices to her took the form of animals."

There you go!

Tefnut

Tefnut was the goddess of storms and water in the Pharaonic pantheon. Unlike other members of the pantheon, who traveled to Toril on the ship Matet as manifestations to liberate kidnapped worshipers and went on to become the Mulhorandi pantheon, Tefnut remained behind. Tefnut's true form was...

forgottenrealms.fandom.com

 

[THE_DEVIL]

Fire gets a bad rap. Look at all the positives you get from it. So don’t fear fire…respect it

 

[Bonerfarts]

Fire gets a bad rap. Look at all the positives you get from it. So don’t fear fire…respect it

 

[Aardvark86]

Fire gets a bad rap. Look at all the positives you get from it. So don’t fear fire…respect it

 

[stickman80]

The God of Beer.

A full bladder can mean another hose on your fire.

 

[jasonrann]

Better rake your yard, brah.

 

[sadiehawkins]

Do a back burn

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

Here are some:

Prayers in Times of Bad Weather

A Catholic Life is dedicated to teaching and transmitting the Traditional Catholic Faith with a focus on fasting, the Tridentine Mass, and customs.

acatholiclife.blogspot.com

(At each '†', make the Sign of The Cross)

Jesus Christ a King of Glory has come in Peace.† God became man,† and the Word was made flesh.† Christ was born of a Virgin.† Christ suffered.† Christ was crucified.† Christ died.† Christ rose from the dead.† Christ ascended into Heaven.† Christ conquers.† Christ reigns.† Christ orders.† May Christ protect us from all storms and lightning† Christ went through their midst in Peace,† and the word was made flesh.† Christ is with us with Mary.† Flee you enemy spirits because the Lion of the Generation of Juda, the Root David, has won.† Holy God!† Holy Powerful God!† Holy Immortal God!† Have mercy on us. Amen!

I read that and my first thought was "...and we think Muslims are nutty with all their 'peace be upon him' and "praise Allah' and other interjections."

 

[IAFB2021Champs]

T’s and P’s

 

[BrianNole777]

(At each '†', make the Sign of The Cross)

Jesus Christ a King of Glory has come in Peace.† God became man,† and the Word was made flesh.† Christ was born of a Virgin.† Christ suffered.† Christ was crucified.† Christ died.† Christ rose from the dead.† Christ ascended into Heaven.† Christ conquers.† Christ reigns.† Christ orders.† May Christ protect us from all storms and lightning† Christ went through their midst in Peace,† and the word was made flesh.† Christ is with us with Mary.† Flee you enemy spirits because the Lion of the Generation of Juda, the Root David, has won.† Holy God!† Holy Powerful God!† Holy Immortal God!† Have mercy on us. Amen!

I read that and my first thought was "...and we think Muslims are nutty with all their 'peace be upon him' and "praise Allah' and other interjections."

Muslims don't believe Jesus was crucified.

Jesus's crucifixion is a historical fact.

Just a thought.

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

"Tefnut was the goddess of storms and water in the Pharaonic pantheon."

"Her priests were expected to cherish storms, thus it was not uncommon to find them outside during fierce downpours. Their sacrifices to her took the form of animals."

There you go!

Tefnut

Tefnut was the goddess of storms and water in the Pharaonic pantheon. Unlike other members of the pantheon, who traveled to Toril on the ship Matet as manifestations to liberate kidnapped worshipers and went on to become the Mulhorandi pantheon, Tefnut remained behind. Tefnut's true form was...

forgottenrealms.fandom.com

"Tefnut generally fought by striking her foes with lightning bolts. If this proved to be ineffective, she would teleport away from the scene of battle."

Sounds like someone from Star Trek. If the phaser doesn't get the job done, beam out.

 

[NDallasRuss]

"Tefnut generally fought by striking her foes with lightning bolts. If this proved to be ineffective, she would teleport away from the scene of battle."

Sounds like someone from Star Trek. If the phaser doesn't get the job done, beam out.

"Tefnut's true form was that of a slender, attractive woman with the head of a lioness."

Totally would.

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

Muslims don't believe Jesus was crucified.

Is that true?

My understanding is that they don't acknowledge His divinity, but I thought they accepted the rest. So I've always assumed they accepted His crucifixion but not that he was resurrected.

Why do we spell "crucifixion" with an "x" instead of as "crucifiction"? Is it because we want to put a cross in there, or because we don't want people pointing to the subword "fiction"?

 

[Bonerfarts]

Muslims don't believe Jesus was crucified.

Jesus's crucifixion is a historical fact.

Just a thought.

This is your gripe?

"Muslims believe he was raised to Heaven without being put on the cross and God created a resemblance to appear exactly like Jesus who was crucified instead of Jesus, and he ascended bodily to Heaven, there to remain until his Second Coming in the End days"

 

[BrianNole777]

This is your gripe?

"Muslims believe he was raised to Heaven without being put on the cross and God created a resemblance to appear exactly like Jesus who was crucified instead of Jesus, and he ascended bodily to Heaven, there to remain until his Second Coming in the End days"

Yep. I like history.

 

[BrianNole777]

Is that true?

My understanding is that they don't acknowledge His divinity, but I thought they accepted the rest. So I've always assumed they accepted His crucifixion but not that he was resurrected.

It's true.

The Quran was written 600 years after Jesus was crucified.

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

This is your gripe?

"Muslims believe he was raised to Heaven without being put on the cross and God created a resemblance to appear exactly like Jesus who was crucified instead of Jesus, and he ascended bodily to Heaven, there to remain until his Second Coming in the End days"

I did not know that. Interesting.

Sounds equally loony to me.

 

[Bonerfarts]

Yep. I like history.

 

[Bonerfarts]

It's true.

The Quran was written 600 years after Jesus was crucified.

The King James bible was written 1000 years after that.

 

[BrianNole777]

The King James bible was written 1000 years after that.

I think that's protestant.

 

[What Would Jesus Do?]

It's true.

The Quran was written 600 years after Jesus was supposedly crucified.

FIFY

 

[BrianNole777]

FIFY

Jesus's crucifixion is a historical fact. It's not up for debate.

Ask atheist scholar Bart Ehrman:


"The crucifixion of Jesus by the Romans is one of the most secure facts we have about his life."

Loading…

ehrmanblog.org

 

[alaskanseminole]

The way I see it, you can go one of two routes. Pray to the god of fire for control or to the god of water to extinguish. Either way, I have you covered.

Prayer to Hephaestus, God of Fire:

Mighty Hephaestus, master of flames, bearer of the forge's eternal blaze, we beseech thee, hear our humble plea. Grant us thy strength, thy sacred decree. In thy domain, where infernos dance, guide our hands with thy fiery lance. Control the flames that rage untamed, let not destruction be our name. Protector of craftsmen, artisan divine, in thy power, may safety shine. With thy wisdom, bring us clarity, shield us from fire's calamity. Hephaestus, hear our fervent call, bless us with thy watchful thrall. Temper the fire, let it be still, in thy name, we seek thy will.

Prayer to Neptune, God of Water:

Neptune, ruler of the boundless sea, master of waves and depths so free, we implore thee, in this hour of dread, quell the flames with thy watery spread. From thy realm where currents flow, with thy trident's mighty blow, extinguish the fire that threatens all, let thy waters answer our call. In thy oceanic embrace, we find solace, in thy currents, let safety chase. Bring forth thy torrents, thy soothing might, douse the flames, restore the night. Neptune, guardian of the aquatic domain, heed our plea amidst the fiery reign. With thy waters, wash away the ire, in thy name, extinguish the fire.