So I was having a nightmare about Republican politicians incessantly using the term “woke” to label everything they oppose. Then my woke alarm went off. I hit snooze a couple of times but woke will not wait.
I woked downstairs and got my dog’s breakfast ready. He woked it all down and went out to do his business.
Meanwhile, my woke machine brewed a delicious, hot cup of woke.
It’s a nice, woke day, so I decided to take my dog for a long woke. We woked and woked for about 30 minutes.
When we returned, I read the woke news today. Oh boy.
Gov. Kim Reynolds declared Iowa’s public schools are woke, full of woke books and woke lessons about woke subjects. They must be stopped. They must be punished.
U.S. Rep. Ashley Hinson proclaimed she won’t let the military be woke on her watch.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. argued that wokeness is in the water supply.
Iowa Attorney General Brenna Bird warned that if businesses go woke, they’ll go broke.
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Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, our five-star generalissimo in the war on woke, declared he and only he can cure to the “woke mind virus.” It’s a form of cultural Marxism, he says. Or was it Marxist culturalism? It’s tough to keep track.
Let’s hope we don’t have to take a vaccine or wear masks. Heaven forbid.
It’s enough to make you drink three fingers of 20-year-old of single malt woke, with a Bud Light chaser.
But there was still woke to do.
I got my orders from International Woke Headquarters and began typing up my next column. Woke, woke, woke, I wrote.
Sure, I see woke as having empathy, calling out racism, fighting oppressive legislation, standing up to the persecution of the powerless, fighting misinformation and trying to address historic wrongs.
But we all know what I was really doing. Making conservatives feel bad. It’s just about the worst thing you can do nowadays.
I was spreading the woke mind virus. You caught me.
By midafternoon, even the most woke among us gets a little sleepy. So I poured myself a big glass of ice-cold Woka Cola. Sure, maybe I should have had a Diet Woke, but that’s not how I roll, or waddle.
Now it’s time to woke through all of my fan mail.
You’re a woke accessory to killing innocent babies. No, I’ve never even glared at a baby, let alone an embryo. Why is it that 99 percent of these anti-abortion emails come from men? Maybe it’s more about control than “life.”
You’re a woke groomer. Stop by my home office on any morning and you’ll clearly see how grooming is not a priority for me. I’ll start taking more frequent showers if you stop vilifying transgender kids who have done nothing to harm you.
You’re a woke hack and not a real journalist. I’ve been working for newspapers for 30 years, so I’m at a loss on what I should call myself.
Word manufacturer, maybe. Ink-stained wretch? Scribe? Scribbler? Opinionista? Burned out?
When the day is done, I woke into my living room and woke a cold one. Maybe someday I’ll write a column with “woke” mentioned 39 times. Take that Gov. DeSantis.
(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com
I woked downstairs and got my dog’s breakfast ready. He woked it all down and went out to do his business.
Meanwhile, my woke machine brewed a delicious, hot cup of woke.
It’s a nice, woke day, so I decided to take my dog for a long woke. We woked and woked for about 30 minutes.
When we returned, I read the woke news today. Oh boy.
Gov. Kim Reynolds declared Iowa’s public schools are woke, full of woke books and woke lessons about woke subjects. They must be stopped. They must be punished.
U.S. Rep. Ashley Hinson proclaimed she won’t let the military be woke on her watch.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. argued that wokeness is in the water supply.
Iowa Attorney General Brenna Bird warned that if businesses go woke, they’ll go broke.
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Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, our five-star generalissimo in the war on woke, declared he and only he can cure to the “woke mind virus.” It’s a form of cultural Marxism, he says. Or was it Marxist culturalism? It’s tough to keep track.
Let’s hope we don’t have to take a vaccine or wear masks. Heaven forbid.
It’s enough to make you drink three fingers of 20-year-old of single malt woke, with a Bud Light chaser.
But there was still woke to do.
I got my orders from International Woke Headquarters and began typing up my next column. Woke, woke, woke, I wrote.
Sure, I see woke as having empathy, calling out racism, fighting oppressive legislation, standing up to the persecution of the powerless, fighting misinformation and trying to address historic wrongs.
But we all know what I was really doing. Making conservatives feel bad. It’s just about the worst thing you can do nowadays.
I was spreading the woke mind virus. You caught me.
By midafternoon, even the most woke among us gets a little sleepy. So I poured myself a big glass of ice-cold Woka Cola. Sure, maybe I should have had a Diet Woke, but that’s not how I roll, or waddle.
Now it’s time to woke through all of my fan mail.
You’re a woke accessory to killing innocent babies. No, I’ve never even glared at a baby, let alone an embryo. Why is it that 99 percent of these anti-abortion emails come from men? Maybe it’s more about control than “life.”
You’re a woke groomer. Stop by my home office on any morning and you’ll clearly see how grooming is not a priority for me. I’ll start taking more frequent showers if you stop vilifying transgender kids who have done nothing to harm you.
You’re a woke hack and not a real journalist. I’ve been working for newspapers for 30 years, so I’m at a loss on what I should call myself.
Word manufacturer, maybe. Ink-stained wretch? Scribe? Scribbler? Opinionista? Burned out?
When the day is done, I woke into my living room and woke a cold one. Maybe someday I’ll write a column with “woke” mentioned 39 times. Take that Gov. DeSantis.
(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com
