Interesting MIL v. DIL "who is the a-hole" . . .

[torbee]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter-in-law is a very private person, which I like to think I do a good job of respecting. She’s a stay-at-home mom to my toddler grandson, and she invites me over to babysit once or twice a week. My issue is that my DIL never tells me where she is going! This drives me crazy for three reasons: First, on a personal level, I’d like to have a friendly relationship with my DIL, and “What are you up to today?” seems like a banal conversation that even a private person can answer, at least vaguely (she can make up a lie about if it’s something awkward!). Second, I feel a little used that she is willing to take advantage of my free babysitting, but not have a conversation about her day. Finally, sometimes I have things I’d like to do on the days she wants me to babysit, which I would be happy to skip if she has an important appointment but not if she just wants to go get a manicure. I want to say that I won’t babysit anymore unless I know where she is, but that feels petty (in this age of cell phones I don’t truly need to know) and I don’t want to risk the time with my grandson. I just have to accept this, don’t I? But it’s weird, right?


— Disappearing DIL

Dear Disappearing,

I think it’s actually a little weird that you’re this obsessed with what your daughter-in-law is doing when she leaves the house. She might be going to an appointment, or meeting up with a friend, or enjoying a little leisure time—I’d argue that all of those things are actually important, albeit in different ways. You might be doing the family a favor by babysitting, but that doesn’t mean you’re owed an accounting of what she does every time she goes out. If you get a request to babysit, say yes or no based on your own availability and whether you want to do it that day. (It is of course perfectly fine to say no sometimes!) If you really care about having a good and friendly relationship with your daughter-in-law, you can try to find other things to talk about and other ways to connect with her—don’t think that saying yes to babysitting gives you the right to know everything she does when she’s not home.

— Nicole

My Daughter-in-Law Is Very Secretive About Where She’s Going When I Babysit

Parenting advice on unknown whereabouts, inappropriate chores, and unsympathetic in-laws.

slate.com

 

[Jan Itor]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter-in-law is a very private person, which I like to think I do a good job of respecting. She’s a stay-at-home mom to my toddler grandson, and she invites me over to babysit once or twice a week. My issue is that my DIL never tells me where she is going! This drives me crazy for three reasons: First, on a personal level, I’d like to have a friendly relationship with my DIL, and “What are you up to today?” seems like a banal conversation that even a private person can answer, at least vaguely (she can make up a lie about if it’s something awkward!). Second, I feel a little used that she is willing to take advantage of my free babysitting, but not have a conversation about her day. Finally, sometimes I have things I’d like to do on the days she wants me to babysit, which I would be happy to skip if she has an important appointment but not if she just wants to go get a manicure. I want to say that I won’t babysit anymore unless I know where she is, but that feels petty (in this age of cell phones I don’t truly need to know) and I don’t want to risk the time with my grandson. I just have to accept this, don’t I? But it’s weird, right?


— Disappearing DIL

Dear Disappearing,

I think it’s actually a little weird that you’re this obsessed with what your daughter-in-law is doing when she leaves the house. She might be going to an appointment, or meeting up with a friend, or enjoying a little leisure time—I’d argue that all of those things are actually important, albeit in different ways. You might be doing the family a favor by babysitting, but that doesn’t mean you’re owed an accounting of what she does every time she goes out. If you get a request to babysit, say yes or no based on your own availability and whether you want to do it that day. (It is of course perfectly fine to say no sometimes!) If you really care about having a good and friendly relationship with your daughter-in-law, you can try to find other things to talk about and other ways to connect with her—don’t think that saying yes to babysitting gives you the right to know everything she does when she’s not home.

— Nicole

My Daughter-in-Law Is Very Secretive About Where She’s Going When I Babysit

Parenting advice on unknown whereabouts, inappropriate chores, and unsympathetic in-laws.

slate.com

Nosy MiL but DIL is having an affair.

 

[torbee]

Nosy MiL but DIL is having an affair.

That was my first thought too. And though she didn't write it, I suspect MIL is suspicious of that as well.

 

[tarheelbybirth]

Gotta go with neither. The MIL is understandably curious and the DIL is a private person. Neither has crossed a line, yet.

 

[Colonoscopy]

I'd want to confirm that MIL actually has asked her straight forwardly what she is up to.

 

[Jan Itor]

I'd want to confirm that MIL actually has asked her straight forwardly what she is up to.

None of your business.

 

[win1forthe]

I don’t think she’s having an affair. My first thought was that she wants some alone time away from the kid and MIL.

 

[fredjr82]

It's a little weird to not say where you are going. Especially if it's a couple times a week consistently. My question is, why not just ask your son? If he doesn't know, then there is a problem

 

[Hoosierhawkeye]

It is pretty strange to leave the kids with someone and not tell them where you will be.

 

[Jan Itor]

It is pretty strange to leave the kids with someone and not tell them where you will be.

Happens all the time. She’s smoking someone else’s pole.

 

[TJ8869]

I keep telling her to just say she’s going to yoga, but she doesn’t listen.

 

[EasyHawk]

 

[Nole Lou]

I don't think its really any of the mother in law's business.

I somehow doubt that when the MIL asks, the daughter is like "That's strictly on a need to know basis, I refuse to tell you."

I'm sure the daughter is like "I have a few errands to do" or "I need to get out of the house for a bit" or "I have an appointment." And I'm guessing that just isn't good enough for the mother in law.

On top of that, the fact that the MIL is so damn concerned implies to me that she'd also have something to say if she DID know. Why do you need to know so bad unless you feel the need to judge how the daughter in law spends her time? I pretty strongly doubt that if you're having an affair you'd leverage your in-laws for babysitting, but the idea is so damn bold I almost hope its true. Most likely the MIL is a busybody and the daughter in law knows it.

The daughter in law is probably going to a chiropractor, a reiki healer, or driving an hour across town to buy vegetables from some organic hippie market, and just doesn't want to hear about it. I think that's reasonable. It's also possible she's going to therapy, fertility treatments, chemotherapy, or some other intensely personal thing. To me its really telling that she would demand her daughter in law tell a lie about it because of her insatiable need to be satisfied. That's an extremely self-centered approach.

If she truly feels the daughter is up to no good, or that only certain activities rise to the level of "earning" her babysitting, then she should just refuse to babysit.

The other side of this could be that the daughter in law is really taking advantage of the babysitting, and what started as an offer of occasional help has really become an obligation that the mother in law never had in mind. In that case, the daughter in law is in the wrong, but the mother in law has to deal with it directly. Her effort to try to not look like the "bad guy" by backing off the babysitting is potentially sewing the seeds of mistrust and could potentially lead to worse conflict.

 

[millah_22]

If MIL has a problem she can just stop babysitting. DIL has probably learned for one reason or another to keep her mouth shut around her.

 

[Derekd3408]

I'd say the MIL asking where or what the DIL is doing is normal in that situation. The DIL not answering is not normal. If you want your daily activities kept secret, then hire a babysitter. If you cant afford/get a babysitter, then keep your ass at home. MIL is doing her a favor. I'd respond differently if MIL was begging the DIL to watch the kids a few times a week.

 

[Jimmy McGill]

Third option? They both suck

 

[binsfeldcyhawk2]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter-in-law is a very private person, which I like to think I do a good job of respecting. She’s a stay-at-home mom to my toddler grandson, and she invites me over to babysit once or twice a week. My issue is that my DIL never tells me where she is going! This drives me crazy for three reasons: First, on a personal level, I’d like to have a friendly relationship with my DIL, and “What are you up to today?” seems like a banal conversation that even a private person can answer, at least vaguely (she can make up a lie about if it’s something awkward!). Second, I feel a little used that she is willing to take advantage of my free babysitting, but not have a conversation about her day. Finally, sometimes I have things I’d like to do on the days she wants me to babysit, which I would be happy to skip if she has an important appointment but not if she just wants to go get a manicure. I want to say that I won’t babysit anymore unless I know where she is, but that feels petty (in this age of cell phones I don’t truly need to know) and I don’t want to risk the time with my grandson. I just have to accept this, don’t I? But it’s weird, right?


— Disappearing DIL

Dear Disappearing,

I think it’s actually a little weird that you’re this obsessed with what your daughter-in-law is doing when she leaves the house. She might be going to an appointment, or meeting up with a friend, or enjoying a little leisure time—I’d argue that all of those things are actually important, albeit in different ways. You might be doing the family a favor by babysitting, but that doesn’t mean you’re owed an accounting of what she does every time she goes out. If you get a request to babysit, say yes or no based on your own availability and whether you want to do it that day. (It is of course perfectly fine to say no sometimes!) If you really care about having a good and friendly relationship with your daughter-in-law, you can try to find other things to talk about and other ways to connect with her—don’t think that saying yes to babysitting gives you the right to know everything she does when she’s not home.

— Nicole

My Daughter-in-Law Is Very Secretive About Where She’s Going When I Babysit

Parenting advice on unknown whereabouts, inappropriate chores, and unsympathetic in-laws.

slate.com

I need pics to properly pass judgement.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

The DIL clearly doesn’t like the MIL but like many entitled people is fine using her for free babysitting. MIL should just forget about it and enjoy the time with the toddler.

The other alternative is the DIL and her best friend have OnlyFans accounts and she goes over there a couple times a week to film new content. At least that’s how I picture it.

 

[Colonoscopy]

I don't think its really any of the mother in law's business.

I somehow doubt that when the MIL asks, the daughter is like "That's strictly on a need to know basis, I refuse to tell you."

I'm sure the daughter is like "I have a few errands to do" or "I need to get out of the house for a bit" or "I have an appointment." And I'm guessing that just isn't good enough for the mother in law.

On top of that, the fact that the MIL is so damn concerned implies to me that she'd also have something to say if she DID know. Why do you need to know so bad unless you feel the need to judge how the daughter in law spends her time? I pretty strongly doubt that if you're having an affair you'd leverage your in-laws for babysitting, but the idea is so damn bold I almost hope its true. Most likely the MIL is a busybody and the daughter in law knows it.

The daughter in law is probably going to a chiropractor, a reiki healer, or driving an hour across town to buy vegetables from some organic hippie market, and just doesn't want to hear about it. I think that's reasonable. It's also possible she's going to therapy, fertility treatments, chemotherapy, or some other intensely personal thing. To me its really telling that she would demand her daughter in law tell a lie about it because of her insatiable need to be satisfied. That's an extremely self-centered approach.

If she truly feels the daughter is up to no good, or that only certain activities rise to the level of "earning" her babysitting, then she should just refuse to babysit.

The other side of this could be that the daughter in law is really taking advantage of the babysitting, and what started as an offer of occasional help has really become an obligation that the mother in law never had in mind. In that case, the daughter in law is in the wrong, but the mother in law has to deal with it directly. Her effort to try to not look like the "bad guy" by backing off the babysitting is potentially sewing the seeds of mistrust and could potentially lead to worse conflict.

That's plausible, but bear with me a minute...

She's probably going to a sex shop to suck stranger dick. I don't get the feeling it's an emotional thing, she has a young child and is very close with her husband. They have a few things to clean up, sure -- what couple doesn't -- but nothing approaching a reason to cheat. But she just really gets off on stranger dick, it's just a sexual thing.

 

[beanerhawk]

There's something wrong with you if your asking your MIL to babysit and not saying a word about what you're doing. sorry that's just weird.

 

[QChawks]

no pics?

booo

 

[torbee]

There's something wrong with you if your asking your MIL to babysit and not saying a word about what you're doing. sorry that's just weird.

Well we are also only getting the MIL's side via the letter.

There is certainly the possibility the DIL just keeps it generic like "running some errands" or "going to an appointment" and doesn't feel it's necessary to give all the details.

If I were on my way to my weekly penis reduction appointment (seriously, I need it a bit smaller because Mrs. Torbee is getting worn out!) I would keep it pretty generic talking to MIL about WHAT appointment I'm attending.

 

[runkpanole]

Daughter in law is getting railed. Mother in law is jealous.

 

[HawCory]

I'd say the MIL asking where or what the DIL is doing is normal in that situation. The DIL not answering is not normal. If you want your daily activities kept secret, then hire a babysitter. If you cant afford/get a babysitter, then keep your ass at home. MIL is doing her a favor. I'd respond differently if MIL was begging the DIL to watch the kids a few times a week.

The letter didn't come out and say that the MIL has actually asked the DIL where she is going though.

For all we know, the DIL stops by her husband's office to give him a BJ while he eats his lunch a couple times a week, which would make her the hero in this story.

More likely, these two have just never really gotten along and their communication is a bit stand-offish in general.

 

[bagdropper]

More likely, these two have just never really gotten along and their communication is a bit stand-offish in general.

a) This.

b) In the cell phone age, is it really all that important?

c) While I would believe that it would be a common courtesy to at the very least give a little bit of detail, the entire thing begins with "a very private person"...so, that is probably the basis of the frosty to begin with relationship.

d) There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong to have boundaries for grandparents when it comes to grandchildren. Grandparents have zero right to "know everything".

And if that's a deal breaker of sorts for the MIL, that's HER problem. She'd damn well better know and accept that if she starts poking the lion on this, she may very well not get to see her GC at all.


Leave it alone, MIL. Don't make a mess of it.

 

[Derekd3408]

a) This.

b) In the cell phone age, is it really all that important?

c) While I would believe that it would be a common courtesy to at the very least give a little bit of detail, the entire thing begins with "a very private person"...so, that is probably the basis of the frosty to begin with relationship.

d) There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong to have boundaries for grandparents when it comes to grandchildren. Grandparents have zero right to "know everything".

And if that's a deal breaker of sorts for the MIL, that's HER problem. She'd damn well better know and accept that if she starts poking the lion on this, she may very well not get to see her GC at all.


Leave it alone, MIL. Don't make a mess of it.

DIL is a stay at home mom that's getting a free babysitter twice a week. She better not **** it up. My wife would give my mom a typed up detailed report of every minute she would be gone for that. Hopefully the MIL just says f it and makes the DIL be a mom 7 days a week.

 

[DropitlikeitsHawk]

Who fvcking cares.

 

[Rudedolph]

no pics?

booo

Was just going to say:

Dear Nicole,

Pics or gtfo.

Signed,
HROT

 

[Pinehawk]

Daughter in law should just move her family out of town. Then her M-I-L won’t need to worry about where she is, or babysitting the grandkids anymore.

 

[millah_22]

The DIL clearly doesn’t like the MIL but like many entitled people is fine using her for free babysitting. MIL should just forget about it and enjoy the time with the toddler.

The other alternative is the DIL and her best friend have OnlyFans accounts and she goes over there a couple times a week to film new content. At least that’s how I picture it.

how do we know DIL doesnt like MIL or is ungrateful? we only have one side of the story.