- Sep 13, 2002
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter-in-law is a very private person, which I like to think I do a good job of respecting. She’s a stay-at-home mom to my toddler grandson, and she invites me over to babysit once or twice a week. My issue is that my DIL never tells me where she is going! This drives me crazy for three reasons: First, on a personal level, I’d like to have a friendly relationship with my DIL, and “What are you up to today?” seems like a banal conversation that even a private person can answer, at least vaguely (she can make up a lie about if it’s something awkward!). Second, I feel a little used that she is willing to take advantage of my free babysitting, but not have a conversation about her day. Finally, sometimes I have things I’d like to do on the days she wants me to babysit, which I would be happy to skip if she has an important appointment but not if she just wants to go get a manicure. I want to say that I won’t babysit anymore unless I know where she is, but that feels petty (in this age of cell phones I don’t truly need to know) and I don’t want to risk the time with my grandson. I just have to accept this, don’t I? But it’s weird, right?
— Disappearing DIL
Dear Disappearing,
I think it’s actually a little weird that you’re this obsessed with what your daughter-in-law is doing when she leaves the house. She might be going to an appointment, or meeting up with a friend, or enjoying a little leisure time—I’d argue that all of those things are actually important, albeit in different ways. You might be doing the family a favor by babysitting, but that doesn’t mean you’re owed an accounting of what she does every time she goes out. If you get a request to babysit, say yes or no based on your own availability and whether you want to do it that day. (It is of course perfectly fine to say no sometimes!) If you really care about having a good and friendly relationship with your daughter-in-law, you can try to find other things to talk about and other ways to connect with her—don’t think that saying yes to babysitting gives you the right to know everything she does when she’s not home.
— Nicole
My daughter-in-law is a very private person, which I like to think I do a good job of respecting. She’s a stay-at-home mom to my toddler grandson, and she invites me over to babysit once or twice a week. My issue is that my DIL never tells me where she is going! This drives me crazy for three reasons: First, on a personal level, I’d like to have a friendly relationship with my DIL, and “What are you up to today?” seems like a banal conversation that even a private person can answer, at least vaguely (she can make up a lie about if it’s something awkward!). Second, I feel a little used that she is willing to take advantage of my free babysitting, but not have a conversation about her day. Finally, sometimes I have things I’d like to do on the days she wants me to babysit, which I would be happy to skip if she has an important appointment but not if she just wants to go get a manicure. I want to say that I won’t babysit anymore unless I know where she is, but that feels petty (in this age of cell phones I don’t truly need to know) and I don’t want to risk the time with my grandson. I just have to accept this, don’t I? But it’s weird, right?
— Disappearing DIL
Dear Disappearing,
I think it’s actually a little weird that you’re this obsessed with what your daughter-in-law is doing when she leaves the house. She might be going to an appointment, or meeting up with a friend, or enjoying a little leisure time—I’d argue that all of those things are actually important, albeit in different ways. You might be doing the family a favor by babysitting, but that doesn’t mean you’re owed an accounting of what she does every time she goes out. If you get a request to babysit, say yes or no based on your own availability and whether you want to do it that day. (It is of course perfectly fine to say no sometimes!) If you really care about having a good and friendly relationship with your daughter-in-law, you can try to find other things to talk about and other ways to connect with her—don’t think that saying yes to babysitting gives you the right to know everything she does when she’s not home.
— Nicole
My Daughter-in-Law Is Very Secretive About Where She’s Going When I Babysit
Parenting advice on unknown whereabouts, inappropriate chores, and unsympathetic in-laws.
slate.com