- Sep 13, 2002
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My Mom Found My BDSM Gear—and Now Insists My Boyfriend Abuses Me
BY RICH JUZWIAKOCT 02, 20195:55 AM
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by ArtHdesign/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
TWEETSHARECOMMENT
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com. Nothing’s too small (or big).
Dear How to Do It,I’m a woman in my mid-30s, and my boyfriend is in his mid-20s. We first met through friends, then hit it off and began talking more through text and phone calls. (We currently live on opposite sides of the Atlantic.)
Our relationship is not vanilla in the slightest. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with that I’ve had this amazing level of sexual compatibility with. He’s a dom and I’m a sub in bed, by literal definitions. We are very into rope play and kitten play. I have a collar and leash set we use quite frequently when we’re together. He takes care of me in such wonderful ways after our play is over: runs baths, massages, snuggles on the couch with Netflix wrapped together in my favorite blanket. Inside and outside of the bedroom, this man takes care of my every physical and emotional need.
A few weeks ago I was visiting him overseas, and my mother was taking care of my pet rabbit and my plants. My son, who is 10, was with his father. There are no plants in my bedroom, and I keep it locked when I am not home so my son doesn’t wander in and find my toys. I don’t feel having to explain my BDSM activities to my son is appropriate at this point in his life or mine. Before I left for the airport, I double-checked the door lock on my bedroom. It was locked.
When I got home, my mother came over because she said she had to speak to me about something important. While I was away, she went into my bedroom and “stumbled upon” my toys and was incredibly angry that I let my boyfriend abuse me! She is adamant I need to leave my boyfriend because she doesn’t think it’s good for my son to see the abuse. My son hasn’t seen or heard any of the “abuse”: When my son is around, our sex is vanilla and quiet. We are quite discreet and careful about our activities. I am still angry with my mother, and I feel like she violated my privacy on so many levels it’s disgusting. My mother has since told most of the family that I let my boyfriend abuse me in bed, so now I’m getting “you should leave him now” from all sides. My boyfriend is positively mortified and is now asking that we not spend time with my family over Thanksgiving. I don’t blame him.
How can I kindly tell my family my sex life is none of their business and to drop it? Some have hinted that I’m a terrible mother because I am into BDSM. I have already stopped speaking to my mother, I’d rather not have to cut my entire family off, but I also don’t want to hear it anymore.
—All Tied Up
Dear All Tied Up,
Your story is, in essence, a classic outing. A piece of information about your personal life was stolen from you and distributed with the same concern-trolling intentions as those who want to “save” queer people from hell or AIDS or enjoying themselves too much. And with a save-the-child crusade, to boot! For someone who’s supposedly concerned about you being dominated, your mother sure did elbow her way into a position of power that has altered your waking live in a way that BDSM has not. You are absolutely right: Your mother did violate your privacy on so many levels that it’s disgusting. It’s one thing to have to put up with this at all, it’s another when it’s coming from your mother. It’s so unfair that in order to cope you must cut off connection with someone so close to you, and presumably to your son.
Your family is ignorant. If I were you, I’d remind them that you have not rifled through the underwear drawers of their personal lives. Who knows what you’d find there? There’s a wide range of activities consenting adults have devised (and at times stumbled into) in the name of pleasure. My quick assessment of sex-negative people is that they’re either hypocrites or repressed, and either way difficult to reason with. Given that your family’s response has been to tell you about yourself instead of asking you questions, I don’t think you’ll be presenting a kitten-play workshop for them anytime soon. Educate them to the extent that they are willing or able to be educated, and extract whatever relief you can from knowing they’re on the wrong side of this argument. I know familial estrangement is a lot to deal with, and the situation is already unfair as it is, but skipping Thanksgiving this year might not be the worst idea—if only to send the message that you’re seriously pissed and not going to take this anymore.
