Sooooo....what do you say, what do you do?

[jasonrann]

A very good friend of mine committed suicide over the weekend. Although we had not been in touch for a long time, he was a great person that helped me in a significant way at a time that it was greatly needed. He was from back home and had been living in Texas for a long time. Services will be there this weekend and I won't be able to get there. There will be something back in NW Iowa in the next week or two, but I doubt his wife and three kids will make that. It is common to send money along with a card in Iowa, but I never knew his wife and kids. Should I do something or just let it go? It has been at least 10 years since I have dealt with suicide so closely, I just don't want to do the wrong thing that could be potentially upsetting. I feel like I need to do something though. Advice would be much appreciated.

 

[SoFla-Hawkeye]

Card/email/note of condolences. Family can never have too much support. Even from “strangers”. 😕

 

[Rifler]

I would send flowers,... sorry for your loss..

 

[Brian_Fantana]

Jesus. That sucks man. Depression is a terrible thing. I don’t have any 1st hand answers for you but I wonder if they are setting anything up specifically for the kids where you could make a donation?

 

[jasonrann]

I would send flowers,... sorry for your loss..

I thought about this. However, after going through my dad's funeral, we had more flowers and plants than we knew what to do with.

 

[jasonrann]

Jesus. That sucks man. Depression is a terrible thing. I don’t have any 1st hand answers for you but I wonder if they are setting anything up specifically for the kids where you could make a donation?

Good call, I will ask around and see if there is anything in process. It sounds like this all happened pretty quickly, not sure if he lost his job or there was financial difficulty or what. The thought of him jumping off a damn overpass is about as impossible as anything for me to get my mind around.

 

[Run&Blade]

I would send flowers,... sorry for your loss..

I would send money, likely life insurance won’t pay because of suicide.

 

[Jerome Silberman]

I'm sorry for your loss, man. If you feel you need to do something, I would follow that instinct. Sometimes those efforts are just as much for our own emotional well-beingn as it is for the family.

 

[Fijimn]

Maybe a note with some good memories of your friend or a story that his wife can share with his kids. FYI - this week is Suicide Awareness/Prevention week. My poor stepdaughter has lost a of her friends, including her best friend and father. She wrote a very touching tribute.

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

anything is better than nothing and support will always be appreciated no matter who it comes from.

 

[RunRonnieRun]

Certainly send a card, and perhaps a letter explaining to his family how much he helped you and how much he meant to you.

Send a restaurant gift card. They still need to eat and certainly don't want to cook or clean. If you knew them, I'd say to tell them which day you'll be there to deliver dinner, but that would be weird in your case.

 

[FormerlyCyberCy]

I thought about this. However, after going through my dad's funeral, we had more flowers and plants than we knew what to do with.

I’d send a check for $100 and a nice hand written sympathy note to his wife.

 

[Tenacious E]

Good call, I will ask around and see if there is anything in process. It sounds like this all happened pretty quickly, not sure if he lost his job or there was financial difficulty or what. The thought of him jumping off a damn overpass is about as impossible as anything for me to get my mind around.

Damn dude sorry for your loss. I like the idea of something for the kids. Maybe some bonds so they will have something down the road that will appreciate in value.

 

[Old_wrestling_fan]

Jesus. That sucks man. Depression is a terrible thing. I don’t have any 1st hand answers for you but I wonder if they are setting anything up specifically for the kids where you could make a donation?

1. I am sorry to hear that news about your friend.

2. I think the idea of setting something up, or contributing to something that is already set up, for the kids is a great idea. Often, local banks will set up a fund like that. Maybe there ends up being enough to help the kids with college, maybe enough to go to an amusement park, who knows. But I suspect that it will be appreciated either way.

 

[Jimmy McGill]

I would write a letter that states all your favorite memories of him. Stories that will make the family laugh. People need something to make them smile when times are tough.

 

[jasonrann]

Wow, you guys are helping so much already. I have been having a hard time getting past the shock. While I have not seen him in a long time, he was ALWAYS one of the funniest and happiest people I knew. I feel pretty awful for not having kept in touch during what was obviously a brutal time. I will send something along with a hand written note and share some memories.

Do any of you know how this sits with the church? He was Catholic and another good friend back home has been in touch with the deacon, who was also a friend of Tim's to see about a service there. Does the church allow that in cases of suicide?

 

[FormerlyCyberCy]

I’d send a check for $100 and a nice hand written sympathy note to his wife.

And sorry about your buddy, Jason. This has been a tough year. People need to think about their family and get help.

 

[jasonrann]

And sorry about your buddy, Jason. This has been a tough year. People need to think about their family and get help.

Thanks, man. It is at times like this when I get PISSED about the stupid shit people get upset about. It's a serious reality check.

 

[Hoosierhawkeye]

Wow, you guys are helping so much already. I have been having a hard time getting past the shock. While I have not seen him in a long time, he was ALWAYS one of the funniest and happiest people I knew. I feel pretty awful for not having kept in touch during what was obviously a brutal time. I will send something along with a hand written note and share some memories.

Do any of you know how this sits with the church? He was Catholic and another good friend back home has been in touch with the deacon, who was also a friend of Tim's to see about a service there. Does the church allow that in cases of suicide?

The RCC of today conducts Christian funerals and burials for victims of suicide.

Ask Fr. Francis: What is the latest view of the Catholic Church on those Catholics who committed suicide because of long term depression and/or other physical illness? | Companions of the Cross

Without full freedom there is no full consent, and in such a case a grave wrong cannot be judged as a mortal sin. In fact, in the case of severe depression or mental illnesses, it would be doubtful if it can be considered a sin at all, since the person has lost control over his own thoughts and...

www.companionscross.org

 

[LuteHawk]

Most churches understand that suicide is not a normal act.
Something snaps in a person's brain and they are not
completely aware of what they are doing. It is important to
believe that God in his mercy and grace understands the
weakness of the human mind.

God alone knows what is in the heart and mind of a person
when they die. We do not know and we do not judge. We
depend entirely on the mercy and love of God for that person.

 

[yescyam]

Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me 3 months ago, only it was sudden heart attack for my buddy. We had not been in touch for years and I had not met his wife and kids. I sent a card to the wife and family explaining who I was, how I got to know him, and put in a cash memorial. His wife sent me back a very nice note saying how much she appreciated hearing from me (even though she didn't know me from Adam). So sorry about your loss. Sucks !!

 

[jasonrann]

The RCC of today conducts Christian funerals and burials for victims of suicide.

Ask Fr. Francis: What is the latest view of the Catholic Church on those Catholics who committed suicide because of long term depression and/or other physical illness? | Companions of the Cross

Without full freedom there is no full consent, and in such a case a grave wrong cannot be judged as a mortal sin. In fact, in the case of severe depression or mental illnesses, it would be doubtful if it can be considered a sin at all, since the person has lost control over his own thoughts and...

www.companionscross.org

Most churches understand that suicide is not a normal act.
Something snaps in a person's brain and they are not
completely aware of what they are doing. It is important to
believe that God in his mercy and grace understands the
weakness of the human mind.

God alone knows what is in the heart and mind of a person
when they die. We do not know and we do not judge. We
depend entirely on the mercy and love of God for that person.

My thanks to both of you.

 

[OrlandNole]

Certainly send a card, and perhaps a letter explaining to his family how much he helped you and how much he meant to you.

Send a restaurant gift card. They still need to eat and certainly don't want to cook or clean. If you knew them, I'd say to tell them which day you'll be there to deliver dinner, but that would be weird in your case.

This is a good idea.

If there is a financial need, most like a GoFundMe will be set up that you can contribute to.

 

[jasonrann]

Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me 3 months ago, only it was sudden heart attack for my buddy. We had not been in touch for years and I had not met his wife and kids. I sent a card to the wife and family explaining who I was, how I got to know him, and put in a cash memorial. His wife sent me back a very nice note saying how much she appreciated hearing from me (even though she didn't know me from Adam). So sorry about your loss. Sucks !!

Thank you!

 

[hawkguy77]

I would send money, likely life insurance won’t pay because of suicide.

It depends on the policy language and how long it has been in force.

 

[ghost80]

It depends on the policy language and how long it has been in force.

Most (but not all) policies have a 2 year coverage wait for suicide. That seems to make sense. I think sometimes people confuse that with a pay out when foul play is involved and the beneficiary is the perp of the foul play.

Really sorry to hear that Jason. I think a card and money would still be a good personal touch....even more than a Contribution to a Go Fund Me.

 

[McLovin32]

Sorry for your loss OP. That’s terrible.

 

[Fan In Black]

sorry buddy

 

[UNIHawkfan]

Certainly send a card, and perhaps a letter explaining to his family how much he helped you and how much he meant to you.

Send a restaurant gift card. They still need to eat and certainly don't want to cook or clean. If you knew them, I'd say to tell them which day you'll be there to deliver dinner, but that would be weird in your case.

This. A note from someone you don't know can be more powerful than a note from someone you do know, and the gift card is a good idea. My brother died unexpectedly (not suicide) almost 2 years ago and about a year later I got a FB message from some girl he dated after high school that I never met. She just said how great of a guy he was and how sad she was to hear of his passing. It meant a lot, and I'm sure your gesture will as well.

 

[Hammer93]

Sorry to hear about your loss Jason. A couple of years ago I lost a very close friend to Cancer. He was my best friend in my neighborhood that I met when I moved to Omaha. I went to purchase a $100 Dominos Pizza gift card for them to use when out of state family showed up to the house to stay for the funeral. After I talked about the reason for the gift card purchase, the Manager at Dominos actually added $50 to the amount that I purchased to to make the card $150. There are good people out there who do the right thing. Anyway......I think a monetary gift or a gift card for delivery food is always appreciated.

 

[funksouljon]

Wow, you guys are helping so much already. I have been having a hard time getting past the shock. While I have not seen him in a long time, he was ALWAYS one of the funniest and happiest people I knew. I feel pretty awful for not having kept in touch during what was obviously a brutal time. I will send something along with a hand written note and share some memories.

Do any of you know how this sits with the church? He was Catholic and another good friend back home has been in touch with the deacon, who was also a friend of Tim's to see about a service there. Does the church allow that in cases of suicide?

Handwritten note about how much of a positive impact he had on you. You regret you haven't been part of his life for a while because of the joy and help he gave you when in need. And even some details to make it even more tangible. Pics that she may not have would also be good exposure for other areas she was unaware of.
I reached out to a buddy's mom. I served with him, and several years after he died contacted her; his mom was very grateful for the positive refresher on her son's memory. From a complete stranger to her, but someone who clearly knew her son and had pics that she had never seen.
It can be such a small thing/effort for you that she can revisit when she needs a pick up later for the horrible situation. These types of grief periods take years get over (if at all).

 

[TJ8869]

Most (but not all) policies have a 2 year coverage wait for suicide. That seems to make sense. I think sometimes people confuse that with a pay out when foul play is involved and the beneficiary is the perp of the foul play.

Really sorry to hear that Jason. I think a card and money would still be a good personal touch....even more than a Contribution to a Go Fund Me.

I'm pretty sure GoFundMe keeps a percentage of all contributions. I would send money directly to her.

 

[stout1]

Everyone else has some great ideas that are sensitive and appropriate.

May I suggest that you offer up some conjugal visits as she finds herself in need as well?

Seriously, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find a way to provide comfort to them that helps you with closure.

 

[jasonrann]

Everyone else has some great ideas that are sensitive and appropriate.

May I suggest that you offer up some conjugal visits as she finds herself in need as well?

Seriously, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find a way to provide comfort to them that helps you with closure.

Ok, this made me laugh hard. Thank you!

That said, a very wise friend of mine once told me, with absolute seriousness and conviction, "do not mess with the latinas". I am sticking with that.

 

[LuteHawk]

This is without a doubt one of the most compassionate
threads that I have read on HROT. It tells me that folks
still care about other people both in life and in death.

 

[Rudolph]

Ok, this made me laugh hard. Thank you!

That said, a very wise friend of mine once told me, with absolute seriousness and conviction, "do not mess with the latinas". I am sticking with that.

Never? Not even to check the veracity of your wise friend's advice?

 

[jasonrann]

Never? Not even to check the veracity of your wise friend's advice?

If you saw the look on his face, you would understand. I think he legitimately had a bad experience.

 

[jellyfish10]

Jason you are a good, smart dude. A lot of good advice in here but the fact that no one mentioned sending some of that rub really pisses me of. My thoughts are with you.