Youth Wrestling

[fanpujols5]

I know this isnt hawkeye wrestling material, but have some questions or need some advice from fellow wrestlers, wrestling parents in regards to the emotional and mental side of wrestling.

As a wrestling coach of middle school kids and having a 9 year old boy in the sport. What are some good ways to help cope with kids after a tough loss? For ex. they just get so emotional and begin to talk down on themselves saying things like " I suck", " I quit", "I am no good" even though they have been wrestling so good and just have 1 bad loss on the day.

Right now after a tough loss and when the kids get emotional, I have been leaving them alone for about 5-10 mins to cool down and let them comeback to me when they are ready and then try to discuss what we did right and what we could have done better.

I have tried to explain to the kids that wrestling is a very tough sport and most likely we are not going to win every match. The kids wanna learn and get better, but I feel like I need to focus more on controlling their emotions better when times do get tough, but having a hard time figuring that out. Hence this post and looking for some more creative ideas to help with this mental barrier from fellow wrestlers and wrestling parents.

TYIA

 

[bluroptimo]

My two cents…

React the same way to wins as you do losses. Walk off the mat, get your next bout number, hydrate, fuel and later do some analysis. React and learn equally from wins and losses. Chop wood and carry water.

Kid should also be in charge of getting themselves ready for the match the same consistent way. The more wood they chop and the more water they carry on their own the better. Parents job is to calmly hold the child accountable especially for misbehavior and support the kids especially when they’re doing the right thing.

BTW all easy until emotions take over so practice this consistently.

Trouble shooting: At a calm time mimic a situation when kid loses control and have them practice the right behavior. Oh yeah, and chop wood and carry water.

 

[Big Fall]

My two cents...try to treat it like a martial art and make the competition a distant second to learning the sport and technique. I started my son in jiu-jitsu at age 5 and it was perfect in that regard. The kids "rolled" and worked on technique with each other but there was absolutely no focus on competition; only learning jiu jitsu. They would compete in doing push ups, handstands on the wall, etc. but never in a 1:1 match setting. I often wish wrestling had the same culture with younger kids but when winning and losing is the main focus and the intensity of the coaching gives the message that winning IS the most important thing, it's hard for kids to not have a big, emotional reaction. Obviously if they can focus on learning and improving, the winning matches takes care of itself down the road, but much easier said than done.

 

[artradley]

I think you’re handling it right. It takes a few bad losses to get used to handling the emotions. But, honestly, crying is part of the sport and never fully goes away. All you can ask from them is maintain their composure until they are off the mat and away from everyone.

 

[pumpdog20]

Don't make the matches bigger then they actually are, win or lose, pre or post match.

That's the only way you can get kids so young not to put so much pressure in themselves.

 

[fanpujols5]

I think you’re handling it right. It takes a few bad losses to get used to handling the emotions. But, honestly, crying is part of the sport and never fully goes away. All you can ask from them is maintain their composure until they are off the mat and away from everyone.

Its not the crying that bothers me, I understand them crying bec they want to win and get upset when they dont. Its more the attitude after the match. Kid is emotional kid (passionate with sports and winning) so when things don't go his way that is when the anger comes out. I've kind of thought it was that he was just young still and going through a phase as he is super young for his grade, just turned 9 as a 4th grader (makes the school deadline age by a day, September bday). He never fell behind academically so that is the reason for him being so young and us not holding him back in pre k or kindergarten.

 

[Gobblin]

We just stress wins and losses don’t matter, and the discipline, improvement, and mostly having fun cheering for their friends and club partners is what matters. Also we let him choose when he wants to wrestle in a competition.(which he always wants to because his buddies are going)

It’s also a great idea to leave them alone for 5-10 minutes after a match, win or lose. Hell, my nephew gets emotional after huge wins sometimes. Let them process it themselves and then guide them through their thoughts. Once that’s over focus on the POSITIVES ONLY. Work on the negatives the next week at practice and include one or 2 of his best pals or partners in the improvement part. We stress that’s it’s a team sport and it’s important to support your partners and pals

I also think it’s very important for them to have an actual coach that can focus on the improvement part more than us. Kids tend to take advice and listen much closer to a good coach they trust.

Good luck! We absolutely LOVE watching him compete. Watching them make gains without even knowing it is priceless.

My cheap $0.02

 

[IAChief32]

Send him out into the cold to run laps. Let the tears freeze to his face. This means he either has to stop losing or stop crying

 

[Rhino80]

My son is a 7th grader and has had a lot of success to this point. He has hit some walls, usually when he bumps up in age. The best advice I have is make your approval/comments on effort and preparation. I usually ask the same questions after a loss. Did you go as hard as you could have? Did you do everything in your power to prepare? I see a lot of parents make excuses for their kids. The ref made bad calls, that kid has a beard in 12U, he had x illness last week. That does a lot of mental toughness damage. Tell them that kid was better today, get stronger here or work on this and we'll be better next time.

 

[fanpujols5]

My son is a 7th grader and has had a lot of success to this point. He has hit some walls, usually when he bumps up in age. The best advice I have is make your approval/comments on effort and preparation. I usually ask the same questions after a loss. Did you go as hard as you could have? Did you do everything in your power to prepare? I see a lot of parents make excuses for their kids. The ref made bad calls, that kid has a beard in 12U, he had x illness last week. That does a lot of mental toughness damage. Tell them that kid was better today, get stronger here or work on this and we'll be better next time.

We have made strides in that department if we lose to a kid before and then following week we majored him. Thanks for the reply and helpful information!

 

[Rhino80]

Send him out into the cold to run laps. Let the tears freeze to his face. This means he either has to stop losing or stop crying

Are you my father posting from the grave?

 

[artradley]

Its not the crying that bothers me, I understand them crying bec they want to win and get upset when they dont. Its more the attitude after the match. Kid is emotional kid (passionate with sports and winning) so when things don't go his way that is when the anger comes out. I've kind of thought it was that he was just young still and going through a phase as he is super young for his grade, just turned 9 as a 4th grader (makes the school deadline age by a day, September bday). He never fell behind academically so that is the reason for him being so young and us not holding him back in pre k or kindergarten.

I went through similar deal. Son just got in before the deadline so he was four when he started K. First few years he cried with every loss, then eventually just big matches, then finally it was gone.

I never faced anger issues. No idea how you handle that. But nine is still very young.

 

[artradley]

My son is a 7th grader and has had a lot of success to this point. He has hit some walls, usually when he bumps up in age. The best advice I have is make your approval/comments on effort and preparation. I usually ask the same questions after a loss. Did you go as hard as you could have? Did you do everything in your power to prepare? I see a lot of parents make excuses for their kids. The ref made bad calls, that kid has a beard in 12U, he had x illness last week. That does a lot of mental toughness damage. Tell them that kid was better today, get stronger here or work on this and we'll be better next time.

Good point - never let them make excuses, and don’t make excuses for them.

 

[fanpujols5]

I went through similar deal. Son just got in before the deadline so he was four when he started K. First few years he cried with every loss, then eventually just big matches, then finally it was gone.

I never faced anger issues. No idea how you handle that. But nine is still very young.

Well at this moment, like I said before, after the match I leave him along for a good 5-10 mins for him to cool down and he eventually comes back to our spot on the bleachers, usually at that time he is good to talk to and talk about the upcoming match or get ready to go awards, but he is still sometimes a bit angry and gets frustrated and lashes out about quitting. So it is embarrassing a bit for him to do this in front of other parents.

It might be a sense of pressure he feels and not to let us down, but we talk all the time about its doesn't matter about the wins and losses, its about getting better everyday. He tells me he wants me in the corner for help, but it may help to step aside for some matches and let another coach handle the duties and see if that helps.

Like i said, he is a very emotional and young kid, age 9 in 4th grade. and I also think he gets way too anxious and nervous. Cause there was a time where we were up 14-0 and have like 20 secs left in the match and he complained about not wanting to finish it and felt nausea. So maybe it will come with age and maturity this will clear up.

 

[Kwoodhawk]

Well at this moment, like I said before, after the match I leave him along for a good 5-10 mins for him to cool down and he eventually comes back to our spot on the bleachers, usually at that time he is good to talk to and talk about the upcoming match or get ready to go awards, but he is still sometimes a bit angry and gets frustrated and lashes out about quitting. So it is embarrassing a bit for him to do this in front of other parents.

It might be a sense of pressure he feels and not to let us down, but we talk all the time about its doesn't matter about the wins and losses, its about getting better everyday. He tells me he wants me in the corner for help, but it may help to step aside for some matches and let another coach handle the duties and see if that helps.

Like i said, he is a very emotional and young kid, age 9 in 4th grade. and I also think he gets way too anxious and nervous. Cause there was a time where we were up 14-0 and have like 20 secs left in the match and he complained about not wanting to finish it and felt nausea. So maybe it will come with age and maturity this will clear up.

Anger is a secondary emotion. Something else going on beneath the surface that is getting triggered first and comes out as anger.

 

[Trapper85]

Once you figure out the healthy way to handle debate/adversity/emotions, please post it on all internet blogs so lots of adults can give it a try too. 😎

Because all individuals differ in many (sometimes unknown) ways, my thought is that it all needs to begin with truly getting to know each kid (and their family life?) and then tailoring response as best you can. More work than going with an "average response", but usually more fruitful. Frozen tears at -20 help some, destroy others.

P.S. the fact that you are asking for ideas/input is a great trait imo. Kudos to you.

 

[TS568]

My two cents...try to treat it like a martial art and make the competition a distant second to learning the sport and technique. I started my son in jiu-jitsu at age 5 and it was perfect in that regard. The kids "rolled" and worked on technique with each other but there was absolutely no focus on competition; only learning jiu jitsu. They would compete in doing push ups, handstands on the wall, etc. but never in a 1:1 match setting. I often wish wrestling had the same culture with younger kids but when winning and losing is the main focus and the intensity of the coaching gives the message that winning IS the most important thing, it's hard for kids to not have a big, emotional reaction. Obviously if they can focus on learning and improving, the winning matches takes care of itself down the road, but much easier said than done.

I agree with a lot of this for sure. Although one of sometimes overlooked things these competitions do besides handing out trophies and crushing kids’ spirits (half joking) is they fund the kids programs themselves. I know our school’s youth tournament raises money that helps us keep fees low which in turn helps fill the room. Like all youth sports though, there is an element of batshit crazy in wrestling that usually starts with the coach in the corner.

 

[ArkieHawk]

Fellow Youth Coach here:

1. Before the first competition of the season I always give the pep talk: “The coaches are excited when you win, but we are proud of each and everyone of you for being wrestlers, no matter what.”

2. In the parents’ meeting before the first competition we talk about “the ride home” and discuss good/bad strategies for how to talk to kids after a sporting event.

3. Always talk about the good after the match immediately after the match. If it’s a tournament, remind them there is a lot of wrestling left today. Wait until practice to talk about what to solve or fix. If you HAVE TO address it that day as a make/break for the next matchwait until they are warming up for the next match before “showing them something you want them to try” (making no reference to the previous match.) Kids at that age are largely unreceptive to constructive criticism during competition. They just hear criticism. Practice is the time they are receptive to working on what needs improving.

4. Determine the root of the anger. Too much pressure from Mom & Dad? Troubled home life? History of being bullied? Burn out on the sport? True emotional/social/behavioral disorder? You can’t keep a psychological profile on every kid in the club, but getting that extra insight can sometimes be huge. Managing the losing emotions of kids on the spectrum may require a different approach from a “typical” kid. I’m shocked how many autistic kids I’ve coached and Mom or Dad wait until like 2/3 of the way through their first season to tell me (or assume I just know).

5. Enroll them as leaders. This doesn’t work (and isn’t right) for every kid. But for certain kids I’ve used the, “I need you to be a role model. I am looking to you to set an example for the little life’s. Etc.”. And use that as a way to tell them the behavior and sportsmanship I expect. By making them a leader and example they actually police themselves after the first or second reminder. I’ve seen kids 180 their behavior with that one. Again, not right for every kid, but powerful when used right.

6. Build in reasonable breaks in competition, or consider setting a “pitch count” for younger kids for the season. It’s my observation that in pretty much all sports today kids are over-competed and under-practiced. I recently was talking with a coach from An elite club in a neighboring state who takes kids as young as 4 in his club and has a rule of “2 or 9.”Two years of practice or age 9, which ever comes later, before he lets kids compete attached. I asked why, and his rationale was: it takes at least 2 years to learn the sport well. I don’t want to lose great talent because they get destroyed in month 3 and think they suck. He also suggested that after that many years of learning the sport they have more skin in the game and are less likely to quit. I don’t have hard rules like that for my wrestlers, but I do encourage parents to give their kids a break. The focus on “tournaments every weekend” is good for the people who make money off the tournaments, but isn’t good for first graders IMO.

7. Lastly, Consider USAW Copper coaching certification. I did it 6-7 years ago, so maybe it’s different. It came with an actual textbook and was worlds better than USAW Bronze Certification, which most of us get. Maybe you guys in Iowa get Silver too, but in the South we only need Bronze. In any case, long story, but when I first started coaching I took both the Copper and Bronze courses and Copper was 10x more valuable to me.. There is a huge section on sports psychology for kids and why they quit. It helped me out with a lot of this stuff.

Good luck to you and your Club. I hope this young man/young lady grows out of the meltdowns after a loss. Most importantly, I hope s/he doesn’t quit and sticks with wrestling. You’re a good coach for seeking out resources to help them.

 

[moosemonster]

What worked for me in junior high is what works for me now. I drink a lot more after a bad loss.

 

[pml_dad]

What worked for me in junior high is what works for me now. I drink a lot more after a bad loss.

Absolutely, lot of drinking for me as well. Have you also tried hitting on the neighbor's wife while raising your voice at her husband? That's been a winner for me personally The only real downside I've run into is passing out facedown in the neighbor's barkdust, but when you do wake up no matter where that is it's important to march right back over and demand an apology...that's key. Perfect for preteens I've found too.

 

[fanpujols5]

Fellow Youth Coach here:

1. Before the first competition of the season I always give the pep talk: “The coaches are excited when you win, but we are proud of each and everyone of you for being wrestlers, no matter what.”

2. In the parents’ meeting before the first competition we talk about “the ride home” and discuss good/bad strategies for how to talk to kids after a sporting event.

3. Always talk about the good after the match immediately after the match. If it’s a tournament, remind them there is a lot of wrestling left today. Wait until practice to talk about what to solve or fix. If you HAVE TO address it that day as a make/break for the next matchwait until they are warming up for the next match before “showing them something you want them to try” (making no reference to the previous match.) Kids at that age are largely unreceptive to constructive criticism during competition. They just hear criticism. Practice is the time they are receptive to working on what needs improving.

4. Determine the root of the anger. Too much pressure from Mom & Dad? Troubled home life? History of being bullied? Burn out on the sport? True emotional/social/behavioral disorder? You can’t keep a psychological profile on every kid in the club, but getting that extra insight can sometimes be huge. Managing the losing emotions of kids on the spectrum may require a different approach from a “typical” kid. I’m shocked how many autistic kids I’ve coached and Mom or Dad wait until like 2/3 of the way through their first season to tell me (or assume I just know).

5. Enroll them as leaders. This doesn’t work (and isn’t right) for every kid. But for certain kids I’ve used the, “I need you to be a role model. I am looking to you to set an example for the little life’s. Etc.”. And use that as a way to tell them the behavior and sportsmanship I expect. By making them a leader and example they actually police themselves after the first or second reminder. I’ve seen kids 180 their behavior with that one. Again, not right for every kid, but powerful when used right.

6. Build in reasonable breaks in competition, or consider setting a “pitch count” for younger kids for the season. It’s my observation that in pretty much all sports today kids are over-competed and under-practiced. I recently was talking with a coach from An elite club in a neighboring state who takes kids as young as 4 in his club and has a rule of “2 or 9.”Two years of practice or age 9, which ever comes later, before he lets kids compete attached. I asked why, and his rationale was: it takes at least 2 years to learn the sport well. I don’t want to lose great talent because they get destroyed in month 3 and think they suck. He also suggested that after that many years of learning the sport they have more skin in the game and are less likely to quit. I don’t have hard rules like that for my wrestlers, but I do encourage parents to give their kids a break. The focus on “tournaments every weekend” is good for the people who make money off the tournaments, but isn’t good for first graders IMO.

7. Lastly, Consider USAW Copper coaching certification. I did it 6-7 years ago, so maybe it’s different. It came with an actual textbook and was worlds better than USAW Bronze Certification, which most of us get. Maybe you guys in Iowa get Silver too, but in the South we only need Bronze. In any case, long story, but when I first started coaching I took both the Copper and Bronze courses and Copper was 10x more valuable to me.. There is a huge section on sports psychology for kids and why they quit. It helped me out with a lot of this stuff.

Good luck to you and your Club. I hope this young man/young lady grows out of the meltdowns after a loss. Most importantly, I hope s/he doesn’t quit and sticks with wrestling. You’re a good coach for seeking out resources to help them.

appreciate all the insight. I will look into the USAW certification. This was really helpful!

Thank you!

 

[Gobblin]

Fellow Youth Coach here:

1. Before the first competition of the season I always give the pep talk: “The coaches are excited when you win, but we are proud of each and everyone of you for being wrestlers, no matter what.”

2. In the parents’ meeting before the first competition we talk about “the ride home” and discuss good/bad strategies for how to talk to kids after a sporting event.

3. Always talk about the good after the match immediately after the match. If it’s a tournament, remind them there is a lot of wrestling left today. Wait until practice to talk about what to solve or fix. If you HAVE TO address it that day as a make/break for the next matchwait until they are warming up for the next match before “showing them something you want them to try” (making no reference to the previous match.) Kids at that age are largely unreceptive to constructive criticism during competition. They just hear criticism. Practice is the time they are receptive to working on what needs improving.

4. Determine the root of the anger. Too much pressure from Mom & Dad? Troubled home life? History of being bullied? Burn out on the sport? True emotional/social/behavioral disorder? You can’t keep a psychological profile on every kid in the club, but getting that extra insight can sometimes be huge. Managing the losing emotions of kids on the spectrum may require a different approach from a “typical” kid. I’m shocked how many autistic kids I’ve coached and Mom or Dad wait until like 2/3 of the way through their first season to tell me (or assume I just know).

5. Enroll them as leaders. This doesn’t work (and isn’t right) for every kid. But for certain kids I’ve used the, “I need you to be a role model. I am looking to you to set an example for the little life’s. Etc.”. And use that as a way to tell them the behavior and sportsmanship I expect. By making them a leader and example they actually police themselves after the first or second reminder. I’ve seen kids 180 their behavior with that one. Again, not right for every kid, but powerful when used right.

6. Build in reasonable breaks in competition, or consider setting a “pitch count” for younger kids for the season. It’s my observation that in pretty much all sports today kids are over-competed and under-practiced. I recently was talking with a coach from An elite club in a neighboring state who takes kids as young as 4 in his club and has a rule of “2 or 9.”Two years of practice or age 9, which ever comes later, before he lets kids compete attached. I asked why, and his rationale was: it takes at least 2 years to learn the sport well. I don’t want to lose great talent because they get destroyed in month 3 and think they suck. He also suggested that after that many years of learning the sport they have more skin in the game and are less likely to quit. I don’t have hard rules like that for my wrestlers, but I do encourage parents to give their kids a break. The focus on “tournaments every weekend” is good for the people who make money off the tournaments, but isn’t good for first graders IMO.

7. Lastly, Consider USAW Copper coaching certification. I did it 6-7 years ago, so maybe it’s different. It came with an actual textbook and was worlds better than USAW Bronze Certification, which most of us get. Maybe you guys in Iowa get Silver too, but in the South we only need Bronze. In any case, long story, but when I first started coaching I took both the Copper and Bronze courses and Copper was 10x more valuable to me.. There is a huge section on sports psychology for kids and why they quit. It helped me out with a lot of this stuff.

Good luck to you and your Club. I hope this young man/young lady grows out of the meltdowns after a loss. Most importantly, I hope s/he doesn’t quit and sticks with wrestling. You’re a good coach for seeking out resources to help them.

#5 is brilliant!

 

[Irishhawkeye2107]

I preach focus on two things and I tell him they are the only things that matters to me.

1. Work hard and do your best.
2. Show good sportsmanship and make sure your opponent understands that you appreciate and respect their efforts.

I also have explained that we’re not out looking for trophies, we’re out to find good competition to help him get better. Going undefeated is not good for getting better so if that happens I’m doing you a disservice by not finding good enough competition.

 

[bman546]

Some good advice has been given, and some of what I write may be redundant, but I am consistent with my coaching and typically say/do the same things in this order.

1. Walk on and off the mat the same way. Nobody should know whether you won or lost by
your reaction or how you exit the mat.

2. If you don't take losses, you are most likely not getting better. You learn more about
yourself, as well as your skill set and where to improve from losses.

3. At this stage in time, we don't count wins or losses, we are focused on development and
getting better. I appreciate you are upset, and you don't like losses. I like that you don't
like to lose. But, just handle it with maturity and dignity. Put it behind you. Someone
who isn't bothered by a loss is not someone that is going to focus on getting better as
much as you.

4. Respect and trust the process, it will eventually pay off. Stay the course. It is a journey.