Well, we made it a total of 8 days into Middle School (now w/ Update)

[Hendy hawk]

Why not have the parents and kids together at a school meeting with the principal and coach to discuss the issue.
If the parents of the bully are rebuffing the accusations, then everyone knows where the line is drawn.
If Alaska's son is able to handle it physically the by all means tell him to pop the kid to make him understand to stop it.
No one will be surprised at the outcome given the parents had been called to the meeting to try and resolve the issue to begin with.

 

[torbee]

But do I need to start out "hard" or escalate my stance when/if nothing is done. Apparently this coach is already getting tired of the situation, so this may be fuel for him to take further action. We've actually met him twice now and he seems like a great coach.

I've also seen situations like this get the script flipped and the harasser will suddenly become the victim.

I don't mean to be cruel, but I sure wouldn't be taking parenting advice from that poster. He is struggling with some stuff currently due to national politics and is a bit unhinged.

 

[jasonrann]

If that's your line, go for it.


I might suggest, adding some version of "should this matter continue it will be address via the legal system".


Personally, I'm not sending shit, I'm walking in and hand delivering that, having them read it, and before I walk put asking them, "do you have any questions".

But that's me.


(He is goinf to give you some fairy bullshit on creating a positive enviroment and meeting the needs off all the kids and you are goong to stop him and say "sorry sir but I'm not interested in how you want to deflect and defend the perp, this is my stance, my child is being sexually assaulted at your school, make a play or deal with lawyers)

 

[alaskanseminole]

I don't mean to be cruel, but I sure wouldn't be taking parenting advice from that poster. He is struggling with some stuff currently due to national politics and is a bit unhinged.

I take things with a grain of salt and enjoy seeing the opinions of others. Through the 3 pages, @tarheelbybirth 's small response was noted and headed. I sent the first email (the one he responded to). We'll see what the Coach comes back with. In my experience people will respond better when they feel they are being supported rather than attacked. In any case, I've now established a paper trail and the ball's in their court. I'll update y'all on what happens next and, again, I have no problem escalating if it comes to that.

Surprisingly enough, conflict resolution is taught very well in the Air Force. We start at the lowest level and work our way up the chain of command. We don't start off guns blazing (maybe that's the Marines).

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

Again, "rumor" has it this coach is already fed up with this kid, so this may be the fuel he needs to really take action. I'm going to give him an opportunity to address this first. Then, if needed I have zero issue walking into that school. IMO, no need to be a hot head out the gate.

Don't confuse being a hot head with setting very clear boundaries.


Your tone should be "this is a non negotiable for me, we are talking about my.childs safety, should this continue I will remove all.of.your power to control the narrative via the legal.system, and when it comes to.my child, I'll fire every ****ing round I own, then beat you ass with the rifle, this is the line"

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

I don't mean to be cruel, but I sure wouldn't be taking parenting advice from that poster. He is struggling with some stuff currently due to national politics and is a bit unhinged.

Haha,

This you:

Tell your son he has to establish dominance first and hump the shit out of the kid before he gets humped himself.

 

[UNIHawkfan]

Agreed but the problem is when it crosses over to directly affecting others. We are being told that if you react in any way and call it out, you are the problem and are not being supportive of alternative lifestyles...or something.

That’s not true. Making fun of the kid for being different is wrong. The kid humping other kids is wrong. Both can be (and are) true.

 

[alaskanseminole]

Don't confuse being a hot head with setting very clear boundaries.


Your tone should be "this is a non negotiable for me, we are talking about my.childs safety, should this continue I will remove all.of.your power to control the narrative via the legal.system, and when it comes to.my child, I'll fire every ****ing round I own, then beat you ass with the rifle, this is the line"

If my concerns are dismissed, then it may come to that. However, my hope is the coach addresses the behavior, it stops and my son never comes home to tell me something like this ever again. Isn't that the result any parent would want?

If it isn't addressed, then my next response will be me going to the school, then following up with another email for a continued paper trail.

 

[alaskanseminole]

Haha,

This you:

Tell your son he has to establish dominance first and hump the shit out of the kid before he gets humped himself.

You know Torb's was joking, right?

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

If my concerns are dismissed, then it may come to that. However, my hope is the coach addresses the behavior, it stops and my son never comes home to tell me something like this ever again. Isn't that the result any parent would want?

If it isn't addressed, then my next response will be me going to the school, then following up with another email for a continued paper trail.

Totally get it man, be comfortable with your decision, but don't move once you have drawn a line. People compound their problems because they are afraid of confrontation.

 

[bdcolt45er]

Agreed but the problem is when it crosses over to directly affecting others. We are being told that if you react in any way and call it out, you are the problem and are not being supportive of alternative lifestyles...or something.

Are we being told this? As you note there is a distinction when people's behavior is impacting others. My impression is that there is a lot less physical harassment and bullying than when I was a kid. I don't think some of things boys used to do to girls would be allowed to slide now a days and I think there is generally less teasing and fighting. At least that has been the experience with my girls so far.

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

You know Torb's was joking, right?

Yes, and I also hope he is smart enough to actually think politics impacts parenting is a joke, but, tis hbot.

 

[torbee]

Haha,

This you:

Tell your son he has to establish dominance first and hump the shit out of the kid before he gets humped himself.

Yes - a lighthearted and funny response to a relatively minor, non-important dispute between middle school dorks.

On the other hand, you are advocating punching an 11-year-old in the nose until it bleeds. Kinda fudged up 🤷‍♂️

You've been wound pretty tight lately.

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

Yes - a lighthearted and funny response to a relatively minor, non-important dispute between middle school dorks.

On the other hand, you are advocating punching an 11-year-old in the nose until it bleeds. Kinda fudged up 🤷‍♂️

I'm advocating an 11 year old set a boundary with another 11 year old.

 

[RileyHawk]

Soft.


Your kid is getting dry jumped during the social hierarchy stage of growing up.

Sure - he should take your example. Schedule a fight with this kid and then not show up. That'll teach him.

 

[Aardvark86]

How's this? + @Whiskeydeltadeltatango (Reminder, my kid's name isn't Jordan...and who would care if it was?)



Dear Coach _____________,

I hope this message finds you well. It was a pleasure meeting you at the Meet the Teacher event, and we appreciate your assistance in troubleshooting Jordan's locker situation.

However, I’m writing with a serious concern that has come to our attention from Jordan and other parents through his friends. It appears that Jordan is being harassed by another student in your class who is significantly larger than him. This student has been engaging in inappropriate and aggressive behavior, including "humping bleachers," attempting to "hump" Jordan, spraying perfume on him, and other unacceptable actions.

We have advised Jordan to avoid escalating the situation verbally, to walk away if possible, and to inform a teacher when necessary. However, this harassment is unacceptable and must be addressed immediately.

We are requesting that this issue be addressed and stopped immediately. Additionally, we would like to be contacted once it has been addressed, along with an explanation of the steps taken to resolve the matter and ensure Jordan's safety in class.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

good.

 

[Aardvark86]

If that's your line, go for it.


I might suggest, adding some version of "should this matter continue it will be address via the legal system".






Personally, I'm not sending shit, I'm walking in and hand delivering that, having them read it, and before I walk put asking them, "do you have any questions".

But that's me.


(He is goinf to give you some fairy bullshit on creating a positive enviroment and meeting the needs off all the kids and you are goong to stop him and say "sorry sir but I'm not interested in how you want to deflect and defend the perp, this is my stance, my child is being sexually assaulted at your school, make a play or deal with lawyers)

Whiskey, I'm with Alaska on this one.
1. It's always worth direct discussions before making threats about lawyers, particularly if you haven't actually engaged a lawyer or talked to a prosecutor yet. And because that is the way society should work in the first instance generally (a key theme in Gorsuch's new book ) and particularly if one lives in a relatively small jurisdiction.
2. There's no need to bring the drama, at least unless you already have an expectation that the coach will flip you the bird. That said, an intermediate step would be to simply add a line to the end to the effect of "I'll call you next week, or would be happy to meet in person to discuss, get an update, etc." Going in with one's chest puffed up is what got the parent in the Loudoun County situation arrested. Sure, he got exonerated and became a cause celebre in the Virginia gubernatorial campaign, but I don't think that's what Alaska is aspiring to.

 

[NDallasRuss]

 

[HawkMachine]

UPDATE:

Apparently this 6th grader is 5'4" and looks like this:

Does this new information change my advice to my son in anyway?

You can always work around size.

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

Whiskey, I'm with Alaska on this one.
1. It's always worth direct discussions before making threats about lawyers, particularly if you haven't actually engaged a lawyer or talked to a prosecutor yet. And because that is the way society should work in the first instance generally (a key theme in Gorsuch's new book ) and particularly if one lives in a relatively small jurisdiction.
2. There's no need to bring the drama, at least unless you already have an expectation that the coach will flip you the bird. That said, an intermediate step would be to simply add a line to the end to the effect of "I'll call you next week, or would be happy to meet in person to discuss, get an update, etc." Going in with one's chest puffed up is what got the parent in the Loudoun County situation arrested. Sure, he got exonerated and became a cause celebre in the Virginia gubernatorial campaign, but I don't think that's what Alaska is aspiring to.

I think my suggested verbiage was "legal system" which could simply mean "I'm going to call the cops if my kid is getting raped"

But


Less is more.



Take his advice Alaska.

 

[TennNole17]

Email and then in person if not resolved.

My only addition- and this is just me- I would be researching the kids parents 'social footprint' online to see what I'm dealing with.

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

Email and then in person if not resolved.

My only addition- and this is just me- I would be researching the kids parents 'social footprint' online to see what I'm dealing with.

Not to be a jerk but you just did exactly what I'm talking about, you realize in your scenario there are atleast 2 more times the kid gets "humped" right?


The one that sparks the email and then the one that makes them finally go holy shit we have to stop this after you go meet the guy face to face.


To thine own self be true.

 

[Herky T Hawk]

I take things with a grain of salt and enjoy seeing the opinions of others. Through the 3 pages, @tarheelbybirth 's small response was noted and headed. I sent the first email (the one he responded to). We'll see what the Coach comes back with. In my experience people will respond better when they feel they are being supported rather than attacked. In any case, I've now established a paper trail and the ball's in their court. I'll update y'all on what happens next and, again, I have no problem escalating if it comes to that.

Surprisingly enough, conflict resolution is taught very well in the Air Force. We start at the lowest level and work our way up the chain of command. We don't start off guns blazing (maybe that's the Marines).

I don't know about with schools, but in the business world starting at the lowest level and waiting for things to work their way up is almost never a good idea for any "critical" situation. I would categorize sexual harassment/assault as a "critical" situation.

If it was just the spraying of perfume or some name calling, that's one thing and I could see starting with the teacher. But this is a different level that could impact your child psychologically in the future. Especially if other classmates see that the behavior is tolerated when this child is a victim so they feel they have the green light to do what they want against the same child. Situations like that is what leads to isolated kids turning into school shooters when they get older.

I agree to not come in guns blazing threatening lawyers, but a description of the problem with a firm and defined expectation that it will be addressed and prevented in the future is absolutely the right thing to do in this case. I would also have no problem going straight to the principal, and dean of students if the school has one. Once again, with a documented paper trail. Like was said in the title of this thread, it was literally the 2nd week of school and the problems already started, there's only 30-something more weeks to go and that is a long time for a kid to be bullied if it isn't stopped.

 

[Herky T Hawk]

Oh and when in doubt, the old Bobby Hill usually works.

 

[alaskanseminole]

UPDATE:

Coach sent me a short email saying the situation was being handled, but MORE importantly, he picked up the phone and called me. He said he cannot disclose anything personal regarding the other student, but he's very well aware of the situation and it is being handled. He said the other child is not mean in any way, but he understands (basically the sexually aggressive and uncomfortable advances) that are going on and he's working with the school counselor and the parents of the student to get this behavior under control. He assures me my son won't be touched again.

 

[Whiskeydeltadeltatango]

UPDATE:

Coach sent me a short email saying the situation was being handled, but MORE importantly, he picked up the phone and called me. He said he cannot disclose anything personal regarding the other student, but he's very well aware of the situation and it is being handled. He said the other child is not mean in any way, but he understands (basically the sexually aggressive and uncomfortable advances) that are going on and he's working with the school counselor and the parents of the student to get this behavior under control. He assures me my son won't be touched again.

Coach sounds like a decent dude.



I'm willing to bet that counselor has some major red flags going off on why that kid is so hyper sexualized.

 

[alaskanseminole]

Coach sounds like a decent dude.

That's been my impression and my son liked him from the get go.

I'm willing to bet that counselor has some major red flags going off on why that kid is so hyper sexualized.

That will be for the counselor to determine. My priority is the safety of my kiddo and how my son handles himself in these types of situations.

 

[cfbfan23]

Thank the lord as Jordan is a terrible first name.

 

[Tom Paris]

The more I think about it, you need to hire this lady...

 

[Tom Paris]

We are in a society that wants you to conform to other people's mental disorders. Have fun!

You mean religion. Conform to their religious beliefs.

 

[Tom Paris]

You need to confirm the "rumor" in person with the coach.

That shouldn't happen if the teacher is a professional. He shouldn't discuss the other student with another parent. That's asking for trouble.

 

[Tom Paris]

I take things with a grain of salt and enjoy seeing the opinions of others. Through the 3 pages, @tarheelbybirth 's small response was noted and headed. I sent the first email (the one he responded to). We'll see what the Coach comes back with. In my experience people will respond better when they feel they are being supported rather than attacked. In any case, I've now established a paper trail and the ball's in their court. I'll update y'all on what happens next and, again, I have no problem escalating if it comes to that.

Surprisingly enough, conflict resolution is taught very well in the Air Force. We start at the lowest level and work our way up the chain of command. We don't start off guns blazing (maybe that's the Marines).

Please let us know if he talks about or acknowledges his opinion of the other kid when he replies. I'm curious to know. Hopefully he gets admin involved to protect your kid from dealing with this crap.

 

[alaskanseminole]

That shouldn't happen if the teacher is a professional. He shouldn't discuss the other student with another parent. That's asking for trouble.

Please let us know if he talks about or acknowledges his opinion of the other kid when he replies. I'm curious to know. Hopefully he gets admin involved to protect your kid from dealing with this crap.

See post #105. No, he did not discuss the personal life of the other student (as he shouldn't).

 

[Flie]

But do I need to start out "hard" or escalate my stance when/if nothing is done. Apparently this coach is already getting tired of the situation, so this may be fuel for him to take further action. We've actually met him twice now and he seems like a great coach.

I've also seen situations like this get the script flipped and the harasser will suddenly become the victim.

Just walk right in there, declare yourself as the alpha and punch the coach in the face! Then punch the kid doing the harassing, then hit your kid for allowing the harassment. Problem solved.

 

[SoDakHawk]

I’d email the school and also ask for -or offer- a follow up phone call. As others have said, you need to document it. A “sexual assault” allegation sets off all sorts of sirens. Choose your words wisely in the email based on how serious you want it to get initially. “Sexual assault” would most likely have to be reported to authorities. Our school has cameras EVERYWHERE and they can go back and watch the film within so many days of an event. It’s possible the incidents have been caught on video and no one has watched it.

Good. This should be. It's assault and it is sexual in nature. Rule #1 is to report to the police. It's their job to investigate and sort these things out. Maybe it will get the attention of this weirdo's parents when the PoPo come knocking on their door.

Have none of you had to do any sort of Safesport training?

 

[SoProudNole]

Yes, because I want my son to just punch a kid right out of the gate. Karate is for defense only (he's a purple belt) and the two friends he's in PE class with are from his dojo and are both brown w/ black stripe. I'm not really concerned for safety, per se', but the fact we've got some kid trying to sexually harass other kids. IMO we have to tread literaly or we'll become the instigator.

That seems odd in this situation.

 

[alaskanseminole]

That seems odd in this situation.

typo. "lightly".

 

[SoDakHawk]

I'm still trying to wrap my head around why this hasn't been reported to law enforcement. The coach, probably a few teachers, and a school counselor have first-hand knowledge that this kid has been assaulting other kids in a sexual nature. Are these people not mandatory reporters?

 

[bdcolt45er]

Wait. Are you work shopping a Cobra Kai spin off on HBOT?

 

[alaskanseminole]

Wait. Are you work shopping a Cobra Kai spin off on HBOT?