I’m just gonna be “that guy”- that’s marriage and kids man. If your thing is communication- I suggest you guys go to therapy. Not for the therapist- though they help - but it’s a blocked off time each week without kids where you guys talk to each other. Parenting styles is a huge rock to crash against, y’all gotta align or at least recognize each other’s styles.This is a very good question. Taking alcohol completely out of the equation, a few things:
1. Communication. When we had our first child six years ago, we quit talking. Our lives were focused on our daughter, daily routine, schedules, etc. We were tired, we were cranky, we were in a dazed zone of daily life. When our son was born a year ago, it only got worse. Talking around the kids was even harder. I'm not talking about the weather or daily schedules or whatever, I'm talking about things between us that could keep us close and connected. Even if we weren't having the secks, we would know we were in love and still on the same page. Frustration and resentment grew in both of us.
2. Parenting style. She is WAY more patient than I am when it comes to the kids. With the daughter, if I have to tell her something five times, I get pissed and raise my voice, at times. Wife can remain calm and try to talk through it with her. That has just never been my experience. My dad could look at us if we were jacking around and that was all it would take.
3. Parenting style #2. Her family has always made a parade out of birthdays and Christmas. When there is a birthday, there are no less than 25 family members present. The ensuing haul of presents and shite is ridiculous to me. Christmas is the same way. Our house is essentially a storage locker of toys that NEVER get used. Most recently, a trampoline and play set out back. All she wants is her tablet. When I hear the words "I'm bored", it makes me want to jump off a bridge. The whole concept is insane to me and always has been. Just a waste. I'm glad I put my foot down when she wanted to buy a bigger house.
4. Overall pace of life. She told me yesterday that all I want to do during the week is "wind down" when I get home from work rather than do things with the kids. This is something that we'll have to work on because by the time I get home at 5:30 - 6:00, we do dinner, clean up and have bath time, it is pretty much time for books and bedtime. Our son goes to bed at 8:00, daughter at 8:30. That said, I could be MUCH more involved with getting the kids to school/day care, picking up and the daily load that the wife currently carries. I could also do more with the kids on the weekends instead of getting wrapped up in other things around the house. I do get a little chippy about this because she works at home in her own business and has a lot more flexibility than I do.
5. We never got our kids used to sleeping in their beds. That was mainly my fault because if they started crying or got upset, it took me right back to childhood trying to console my two year old brother (I was five) when our mom wasn't around. I never got over it. Therefore, our daughter always slept with us. Before I left the house, our son slept with the wife and he nurses during the night. I sleep with our daughter who is still scared to sleep alone. This definitely didn't help us in the intimacy department, but we rolled with it to keep things "calm".
I'm sure there are other things, but these are things we hit on yesterday.
Rooting for you.